Just adding a page to the book, here.

5/15/20

When it comes to this particular issue, I don't have the courage and I'm not ready. But I am going to get there.

I have to be much gentler to myself sometimes.

5/16/20

I was sending a message to my friend and in the message I said

"I want to wake up and see the light! Hello!"

I was referring to the weather, but I think that sentence works in more ways that one. =)

5/31/20

Why can't I get you out of my head?

Why won't you go?

We don't speak. We don't do anything that concerns the two of us anymore.

And yet, I cannot get you out of my damn head no matter how many times I think I succeed. Part of me thinks it's because I am not forgiving myself for the past. And the other part of me thinks it's because I miss the way we were all those months ago.

I am allowed to miss you, but not want anything to do with you. And yet--I hear your voice in my head like I did all those months ago. I feel like I came full circle because right around this time last year, I wasn't dealing with one single person, and by the time August came I was happy because I didn't have anyone bothering me, or anyone's baggage and I didn't have to care about ANYONE but myself.

Now I just want to start over again. But I also don't want you weighing me down. And yet...

I'm sure I'm the only one out of the two of us who is thinking this way. So "typical" of the female right? Be the overly emotional one who just can't seem to get a handle on what she's feeling. Dramatic, Overreacting, It ain't that serious.

I know it ain't that serious but I'm tired of people telling me the reassuring things. I just want to have my emotions is all.

This is how I'm feeling.

I want to give anyone a moment to briefly say how they feel.

Go!

6/1/20

Happy June!

Today was rough.

6/2/20

My heart is breaking. There is too much going on internally and externally. It's probably going to take me days to unpack what's going on, how I feel, how angry and saddened I am.

It's difficult to say the least. What is going on?

6/3/20

4:01AM

I ended a video chat and was getting ready to head to bed. I heard violent screaming coming from outside my window. When I looked outside I saw a man physically abusing a woman with my very own eyes.

I was triggered. After I called the proper authorities, I stood frozen a little bit by the window. Without closing my eyes, I could remember everything that happened to me before. Right down to the emotion.

Lately, I have been grappling with the fact that I've been abused in more than one form from past relations that I had. I never noticed it until it became physical. And it has added to all my personal feelings related to assault.

Everyone in this world has a choice. Why does it seem like the only choice is to use violence these days? If we love, then we don't hurt. And if we hurt, then we don't love.

6/8/20

I feel different.

Not a good kind of different. Not a bad kind of different.

Just different. But I don't think it's bad. At least that's what my intuition telling me.

6/12/20

If you don't heal your past

Your past will inhibit your present

And your present will make your future stagnant.

6/18/20

I have you days and I have down days. Today was a 60/40 day.

60% Down

40% Up