I want the bad feelings gone.

Thank you, @Desmynn6789. It's good to know someone cares. I've always been insecure, and I don't have much social experience. I've hit a run of being particularly not social in recent years. I'm trying to come out of my comfort zone and build more experience online, because of COVID. I had planned to go out in person more to meet people, but then that happened. It's been a trial even online, very similarly to how it was when I worked in public. I've had to overcome the same problems up here that I was dealing with in person.

I'm so lonely and have had so little romantic or sexual involvement that I not only find it hard to believe men would personally desire me, I don't understand how or can't believe that men desire any woman anymore. It's not part of my reality. They either aren't interested at all, make insultingly lackluster attempts to date, are friendly but not willing to do anything romantically, or want to hurt me. None of that is desire or passion. If they have it, they keep it to themselves. A man on a dating site I was very interested in told me he was scared. I'm thinking, my God you're going to leave me like this because you're scared? Is that what others are doing? Does it matter? I'm still alone.

I can see and have gotten enough compliments here and there to know I am physically attractive, though I don't know how much. It doesn't matter. It doesn't mean anything to anyone. It doesn't make anyone like me. I'm usually very kind, I feel like I should be interesting and fun. I would enjoy me. But no one cares. It's not worth anything to anyone else. Or not worth the effort. And I fear part of why people dislike me is because I'm not confident, but how do you get confidence when no one gives you positive feedback to build the confidence on? It's like I'm attractive! Even though there's literally no one around me acting like I am. It looks crazy. It all looks crazy.

I work so hard to convince myself of hope and positivity and to make myself happy and enjoy believing good things can happen, but it is so shaky. The other day, I was feeling good, hoping, and I hoped something that made me suddenly think, what if that's not realistic? What if it's not right for me to hope that? Or I see a woman online who is desired or loved and it makes me feel so bad because it seems like another world or not real.

I didn't mean to go into all that. I was going to just say I have no friends to hear what they experience and what they do. I know women of all kinds get treated like crap and horribly disappointed. I assume it is much more common than women being appreciated. But how do other women who are confident deal with it? I assume they get enough good from the benefit of their greater social experience or greater confidence that they can put it into perspective. I'm trying, but I have no guide and I am afraid my efforts are wrong and are not helping or are making things worse. I fear in trying to be more social and build my confidence, I am just increasing the likelihood and temptation for harassers. Or people are wondering why this is so hard for me. They don't know the way my life has screwed me up and I don't want to go sharing that with a bullhorn. I'm trying to get better and share the good things, not whine all the time about my problems. No one wants to hear that either. There seems be to be some magic formula for that. Either it's okay for certain people to break down or you can do it just the right amount or in the right way.

I feel like I'm crazy, and I'm so tired of having to worry about this same mess. I want it to stop. A few months ago I ugly cried at least once a day and felt suicidal very often. I've made myself better enough that the ugly crying and the suicidal thoughts are more rare occurrences, I seem to have even lessened my overthinking recently. But I still feel like romance and sex are unbelievable things or aren't allowed for me for some reason. Mostly, I guess I'm afraid that my efforts to be likable or appealing and my hopes are wrong. And I feel wrong for feeling that way, but I can't stop.

I'm dumping a lot on here. I need to talk so bad.