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YellowComfort
696 M Little Steps
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts40 Forum posts52 Forum upvotes56 Current upvotes56 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2022 Member sinceJuly 6, 2020
Recent forum posts
In Therapy But Feel Bad
Journals & Diaries / by YellowComfort
Last post
 April 26th, 2022
...See more I've been in therapy for a few months now. I like my therapist and when I talk to them I feel good and when I say certain things, they say the emotionally supportive things you'd expect, but in between I find myself feeling things that don't seem right. I feel like my pain over bad things I've experienced isn't as valid as other people's and I'm even more confused about victim blame and stuff than I've ever been. I find myself feeling that we deserve the bad things that happen to us. Am I just dealing with some really ugly feelings that need to come out and it's normal or is something wrong? I've told my therapist many of these feelings.
A Rant on Pushing Relationship/Confidence Advice
Journals & Diaries / by YellowComfort
Last post
 December 19th, 2021
...See more These are some thoughts I'm having after having read the worst example of this I've ever seen. You can determine how useful they seem to be. ---- So many people are either selling something or just trying to push advice on these topics and I think maybe having the opposite effect than what they intend, or what we'd intend by reading it. It's all, you've got to feel this and you've got to be this. When people of all kinds find love and people who like you won't be bothered by little details. Men, women, people of all kinds want to and should feel good around someone. That's the most important thing. We do all need positive self-talk. Let's work on that, if we need to. Otherwise, I think we can do a whole lot better by just thinking of it as making sure we're around someone who makes us feel good and making the other person feel good and not worrying about whether we're enough this or enough that and trying to micromanage ourselves so we can be confident/strong ENOUGH. It defeats the purpose. We are. We're beautiful and unique and powerful. We don't have to become those things. We just have to let go of worrying so much.
Sex deprived, trying, but crazy
Journals & Diaries / by YellowComfort
Last post
 January 7th, 2022
...See more I am 37, and I've had very little sex. It's made me quite irrational. I struggle to think anyone would want to be with me even though that shouldn't be true. I keep thinking I need to have sex really badly. Not just with anybody. I imagine I could do that, for what it'd be worth. My point is, I keep thinking having more experience, it actually being part of my reality again to be a sexual creature, would fix it. That actually being touched by someone would prove that someone could enjoy touching me, this body, not some dream 30-something y/o they made up in their head and haven't felt of or another one who may be very different from me. But then what happens if I get disappointed? Women are supposed to be able to feel beautiful and valuable all on their own, they say. And I don't want my happiness and wellbeing in this area to be tied to how someone else feels or what they're capable of. But how do I build confidence in an area without any proof to build said confidence on? Can I be reasoned with as long as this is my situation? I'm starting things to try to improve my social situation, but it's slow going and I still have these feelings. I also worry that me feeling like this will come between me and someone I'd want to be with. Do I admit I'm scared? What kind of sex can I have with someone if I can't admit it? It's all about confidence these days. But you've got to build it somewhere. What do you do when you're still trying to do that?
Writing to therapist outside of session
Journals & Diaries / by YellowComfort
Last post
 December 11th, 2021
...See more I just had a first therapy session to discuss my relationship with my mother and my goals for a social life. The therapist seemed very nice and it seemed to be going well. She told me I should apply to jobs and go to school. Well, when I got done with the session and my mother found out what the therapist had suggested, it started a HORRIBLE fight that went on until the middle of today. I tried to stand up to eat some lunch and could barely even stand on my legs I was so depressed. Because of the nature of the therapy session, I felt it was important to tell the therapist what had happened. It doesn't seem like the type of thing someone should go through alone if they have someone to talk to about it anyway. So I wrote a detailed account of what was going on last night to try to create an accurate picture and sent it to her after-hours. She had told me I could write to her and gave me her phone number to text her. I haven't bothered to write again to update with what happened later that night and today. It's been over 24 hours and I haven't heard a word. Should I feel bad about this? I had a crisis over here and felt that it was very relevant to our session and very important to being able to help me. I wasn't surprised that she didn't answer me right away. Therapists do need their own life and have other people to think about. But no message at all? It makes me feel very hopeless and like I'm all on my own to deal with something that seems to me too big for someone to deal with alone, well, with being mentally abused. I feel more than ever like I have to do whatever I'm going to do for myself. Which, right now, means making peace with someone who's been abusing me and looking for ways to make enough money in my own way to get out on my own if I need to, and hoping the promises I'm now hearing are valid. I guess the therapist thinks I don't need an answer. She told me what she thought I needed to do and I guess there's nothing else for it. If I could do something that drastic and still live in this home, and do it without any support, I wouldn't have felt I needed to get help. Neither me nor my mother have anywhere to go. I even checked into living in the car. It's illegal here. You can't even sleep in your car or park for more 4 hours here. The therapist is at the women's shelter. I didn't know if maybe I needed to be there or needed some other assistance. I guess/hope not. This afternoon I was wondering if it's just not practical for some people to be healthy. Maybe some of us just have to bow to our fates. I was out then. When I got home, my mother said she is willing to get help and make some changes. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I don't know whether I'll keep the next therapy appointment or not. I'm so disappointed by not hearing anything and having to still feel so alone.
Living with someone with conflicting view on social life during COVID
Journals & Diaries / by YellowComfort
Last post
 November 30th, 2021
...See more My primary relationship in my adult life has been with my mother, because of a mixture of discouragement from her, struggles to be social when I tried, and anxiety. I started having a midlife crisis a few years back and finally worked out a way to try to meet more people, but COVID came along. We've both locked ourselves away at home this whole time. I'm fully vaccinated (It's caused tension in the house). I see seemingly everyone else living varying degrees of a normal life. All I want is to go on a few dates when I can find someone suitable to go on one with and try to deal with as few people when I go out with them as possible. Not to concerts or fairs, not even inside a restaurant, just something outside and with that person. Whenever it seems appropriate, I'd want to be alone at length with said person. Problem is my mother won't even let family come over to help with things or visit them because she's scared of COVID and won't get vaccinated. She's gone from saying she's upset about staying home all the time to talking about people she's known who lived like that. We've talked about my desires enough that she knows I'm looking and I told her I wanted to go on dates and my plans, but from the way she talks, I can't tell if she's accepted the full implications of that, and I don't want to push it until I absolutely have to. I feel wrong potentially bringing home this dread disease, but I'm so lonely and unused to social things and depressed and anxious. I've had to fight to overcome being suicidal because of my loneliness, worries, and hopelessness. Nothing seems fair or right. I can't get a clear idea in my head of what everyone else is doing and what is the right thing to do. I feel like, logically, it's all about reducing our chances of getting it with what we have to do and how we feel comfortable, but what do you do when you live with someone who feels differently than you do?
It's simple. I'm afraid.
Journals & Diaries / by YellowComfort
Last post
 November 16th, 2021
...See more Often, I realize I'm worrying/overthinking, consumed with a focused issue and the underlying cause is simply being afraid. I make it this huge problem to be dealt with, but It all comes down to fear. I'm afraid. That's all.
I want the bad feelings gone.
Journals & Diaries / by YellowComfort
Last post
 November 20th, 2021
...See more I've been going through an early midlife crisis for years and I got really, really depressed earlier this year. The good news is that I focused heavily on my mental health and built a lot of self-care strategies that helped me go from a scary state to a more normal one. The reason I'm writing this post is that the bad feelings aren't gone, gone, and when they come back, I feel like I should be able to make them go away. I'm not very patient. I feel like I have to be fixed, like I have to be confident and healthy right now. I am afraid I can't build positive relationships with people because I'm not confident/experienced enough. I'm building experience and trying to gain confidence from who and where I am, but I guess I'm scared that it's too little or I'm doing it wrong because I'm having to do it all by myself. I've been trying to get therapy but I don't have much money and I guess everyone's got so many clients who do have money because there are so many people wanting therapy these days, that I just can't be worked in.
No way to prevent a bad reaction
Journals & Diaries / by YellowComfort
Last post
 November 28th, 2021
...See more My mother is very anxious. I have a lot of anxiety too, but our experiences are not always the same. I feel like conversations are often a minefield. Not always. Sometimes it's just relaxed and fun. But it's often the minefield situation. Today's example: she told me something that happened and I had a thought about it(not about her, but something about the situation that could be worried about). I didn't think it was helpful, so I didn't offer it, but I did think it. She continued to bring it up and I think actually asked me what I thought about it, so I had to say the thing or lie. We separated and during that time, I worried about what hours of conversation about the concern I was going to cause by saying it. Turns out that this time, we did talk about it a little more and it seems to be okay. But that is not always the case. We can get in bad arguments about things like this and have long crises of worry about things like this. And I feel like there's no way to prevent it. She brings up a topic and I'm at the mercy of her reaction to it. I wonder what is this and is it unusual? If it seems odd that I'm bringing this up after an incident that didn't turn out badly, it's because I've been thinking a lot about things like this lately and I've been waiting for both a clear thought and enough time to write freely to come together. I want to start using this journal thing more.
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