I decided to make a diary

Dec 7

We have been silent for 3 days. No words from him, but i know special way to know where he is and what's he doing online. Maybe he's working and after stressed from work he wanted me time. He doesnt reply my message since Dec 5. I wonder what he did now. But when i go to online shopping account we shared together it's seems like he took a look at stuffs i marked for him. I know what he likes so when we're not dating yet i baited him with that. He seems to be enthusiastic. Now he's still like that, despite being silent. He gave gift in online games we play together too but we're not in match together. If he want to be free i already give him freedom he wants. I'm not angry. I simply miss him tho.

My cat went back home after i called him in place he usually hide. Even my 5 years pet can appreciate my presence. Well i haven't been home for one month. I keep wondering if i have to go somewhere else for one month too so that he'll notice me. But i don't want to be that cruel. Am i too soft?

9 dec

he texted me yesterday around 9 pm, i was on a trip and put my phone on flight mode we talked again in the morning. everything was fine, we talked about his favorite things again. but things went south when i told him not to lend money. it's seems like he doesnt like it. so i stopped texting to prevent any bad argument. i dont even incite any fight. i sincerely care about him but why...

I hope he'll come to his sense soon. maybe he just tired after not being let to go anywhere for 3 days... maybe

Dec 11

I ended up being the one apologize. He said it's fine. We talked a lot about new game we play but still we're not in game together for now. I keep wondering yes we started as fwb now we're in normal relationship. I wonder why he didn't ask any sexual stuff again from me. Am i not attractive anymore? he even put celeb pic in his home screen. why was i jealous?

12 dec

he's still not putting my wa number into contact but we still communicating somewhere else. i wonder if it's just small thing and i should just ignore it. at least he made some effort when he explain who that girl in his chat profile pic. really it's silly. maybe that's what communicating for. i felt like his time for me is getting less. but he told me i dun have to change myself to look like others really? keep wondering why am i so insecure.

my other problem is why am i getting sleepy a lot these days

dec 13

both of us are tired. i asked photo from him so i can see his tiring face in the morning. i just notice too the reason why our relationship is boring is because i kept asking "how are you?" "have you been eating?" so i dived into his hobbies and now we have lots of things to talk about. i think i should be satisfied enough? since my friend's ldr romance died in 6 months because of boredom. so i dun want to end up like that.

dec 16

it had been third week or maybe fourth? he never showed up during weekend. at this point i believe he's working out there. he's in stressful job. but even when i'm tired i still show up to greet him. meanwhile him? hahahahaha

i enjoy game he told me but we never have time to be in game together.

why are you like this. why why why why

why wont you just live with me and leave that goddamn abusive company. why you insist you have to work by yourself. you have me who can help you

dec 17

he's being online but doesnt message me even just a bit. he doesnt message his friends either. meanwhile his ex contact was online when he's online aaaaaaa

i'm trying to trust him but...

meanwhile in my workplace there is a woman who hate me without any reason.

dec 18

morning

i feel like an idiot for missing him but it's seems like he doesnt miss me even just one bit. he's being online for many times, maybe for work. if that's the case he can tell me "hey baby,i'm working right now. i'll get back to you soon"

I barely sleep now, and sometimes my eyes hurt. No i didnt cry. my feet also hurts. i tried walking 1 km on 12 cm high heels. he told me to buy one to wear in office. so i did. i wonder if he'll chat me again when his beloved heels arrived.

i told him if he want open relationship it's okay so why is he like this to me. if you want to break up just tell me. not disappearing every weekend, letting me initiate most of the time. i'll go away from his life. i'll go away from all our friends.

maybe when we make up( i wonder if it'll happen) i'll wonder at myself why i write this. i'll think of this as memento.

there's thing called brexit so i think i'll also do lifexit.

dec 20

midnite

finally i know what's on his head. so i think i'll stop talking about him now.

i'm going to talk about myself. my senior coworkers are hating me and my friends. i dunno what should i do with them. who cares if they want to go somewhere else where they can bitch about us. who cares. why they talked about it openly when i was there. really they're so childish.

this world should abolish senior system in office, really...

in the other hand i want to learn how to be assertive. how can i?

dec 22 i spend lotsa money now. just for food and kitchenware. i called this self healing. so many people here. there are also family ._.

dec 24

i'm so lonely

dec 25

i.was playing game a lot i watch video i wash clothes. but still i'm feeling uneasy. just why.

dec 26

morning

it maybe silly if he actually responded to me after everything i think. it's been 6 days since he appear online but not messaging anyone in groups. but he let his bestfriend know "oh i'm on a job so i cant go to cinema with you". really? he told him but not me. a

it's been SIX DAYS

i really not that important? should i just start a fight with him. he'll ended up breaking up with me then.

i tried to make everything good again but why it doesnt work

i also consider lifexiting myself a lot because of that. if it really happen no one can stop me anymore.

dec 27

he contacted me yesterday, he told me he dropped his phone inside water. i decided to trust him. at this point i also know he cant buy any phone so he used telegram pc. but i told him if he want to go somewhere for 6 days he need to tell me before he go that looooong time really. but nothing can be done if and his phone was like this. i'm being anxious again. i want this anxiety because he doesnt contact me to go away

2 jan 2020

happy new year everyone. last time i decided not to contact anyone in chat or media social for 2 weeks, i'm still on first week.

i broke my own rules by replying to my bf new year greeting. but it'll be rude to ignore. no one text me new year greeting. others think it's sinful so they dont.

whatever. still there's 10 days left. i miss him.

now time to fix many things in my room tho