Hopeful's Journal - Replies wanted

@Hopeful0001

I messed up... 

He broke up with me. 

It's not fair. 

He had a wife. He never told me -- I was the one who found out months into our relationship. We almost made a year and he broke up with me.

Because apparently what I did was cheating but his cheating doesnt matter because his wife doesnt know. I talked to some people online, flirted with them, and sent some pics at times. That was bad. But deep down i did it cause it is not fair, he has a wife and yet he was trying to force me into this monogamous relationship. And each time, he knew exactly what I did to mess up as if he was the person I chatted with or that he had my device cloned.

It is just too coincidental. Like how do you know? And when I ask, he says thats not what matters, what matters is that I did it.

I found the wife's pinterest and I am thinking about telling her.

I begged him not to leave me. he told me he needed to think. I asked him what are you thinking. He said he was thinking about me and if I really have it in me to be any better or if I am just telling him what I think he wants to hear for right now.  I begged him, saying I can do better, that I am taking new meds and they will work...he told me he doe snot want excuses every time I slip and not to use meds as an excuse for bad behavior and that I dont get to play games with him like that.

I said I wont.

The hard thing for me is

I feel like my heart is clenched

I cant imagine a life without him.

He told me that I need to remmove myself from tin der and any dating rooms immediately that he doesnt want to hear about harmless looking and swiping anymore, that he let that ride all this time but obviously it is not harmless so I dont need to be in that environment. and that theres never anything harmless about flirting especially in a dating app

I told him I would delete the app and he told me to shut down my profile. told me you want to be on tin der you can be on it when we are not a thing not ever during

I deleted it.

He told me 

if he comes and sees any random men on my sn ap next time he sees me he is blocking me without a word. 

@BurkeDevlin Read my diary please

@Hopeful0001 Is this who I think is is? 

If so, I am so sorry I'm only seeing this now.  If you'd sent me a PM I would have gotten a notification and logged on.  Again, I'm so sorry and I promise I wasn't ignoring you.

It sounds like you are (were?) in quite a spot.  Have things been better over the summer?

Let me just say that this person sounds like bad news.  If you need someone to tell you you deserve better, here I am.  You deserve better.  You're a classy lady.  Don't let this doorknob string you along.

I didn't realize how much pain you were in.  Have you gotten any relief at all?

Cant believe the state attorney contacted me...

can't believe they believe me...

1.5 years later and it is finally happening...

They are going to officially file for charges against him...

I am terrified. 

@Hopeful0001 It sounds like you have an awful lot on your plate. Your struggle through all your troubles is not unnoticed...surely I'm not the first Cupsian to read your journal.

If you have to contact state law enforcement about someone, you obviously don't need him in your life.

Re your doc: the most important trait a doctor can possess is attentiveness. If he doesn't listen to what you're telling him, then tell him to take a flying leap off a short pier & find a better doc. The 2nd most important (or equally important?) trait is the ability to think outside standard tests/diagnostics. Docs who can't or won't are the ones who misdiagnose patients, especially patients with rare diseases. Two months ago I was notified that my initial Dx (in early 2017) might've been a mistake. If so, I am not the first person to which it has occurred.

I also have chronic illnesses pain, though they're probably nothing like yours...not on a day-to-day basis, at least.

Do the best you can. When the 💩 hits the fan, remember: "this, too, will pass." That has gotten me through many dark days.

@slowdecline48

*hug* thank you. yes, it has been great having that man out of my life. I just really hope this trial is not too much for me. I know that I want it, I know that I need justice. I need him to face some type of music for his behaviors.

And oh yes, this doctor is pretty great, but yeah, If a doctor doesnt believe me, ill pay another doctor. I just hate being in so much pain but as you mention you have chronic pain, I am sure you can relate!

*hugs once more * thank you for your kind words.

Anytime. If you ever need to take your mind off your troubles & you have sufficient gas in the tank for it, there are also chat rooms here. Each one has a slightly different emphasis. When I go, it's usually to the Sharing Circle...there's usually a mod & an assistant running the room. I've found it helpful at times.

@slowdecline48

Thank you <3 Ill check it out.

My dad is frustrating me.

I know he has been showing signs of cognitive decline but my entire life he has been lazy and loud...  and I am doing him favors and he is do disrespectful. Smh. I love him but he needs to not call me names.