Getting through it step by step

Things were going pretty good and now tbh I have no clue where they are going. I thought that if I pushed her out of my head and acted like I was moving on then the pain would go away and stop being so strong. But lately it is just getting worse. Everyday gets a little harder to fight and to continue trying to be strong when all I want to do is give up. I see her all the time. She ignores me and so does he. It's like no matter where I go I am disappointing someone. At home, at school, and just everywhere. I disappoint myself because I know I could be doing better and I know I could fight harder to get what it is that I am trying to get. I could have fought for him and kept going even though I was scared of my feelings but I didn't. I chose the safe route and hid from my feelings by shutting him out and breaking up with him. I let my past take hold of my future and now I feel lost. On the same day I lost the girl of my dreams. Me and her have been on and off for like a year and I had finally told her how I truly felt and owned up to my mistakes but it was too late. She already had someone else to make her happy. Without her I feel like I am drowning with no way up for breath. I am trying to get out on my own and make a meaning fro myself. I am almost 18 and I am trying to get my life together but it is so hard. Trying to find a job is stressful, getting a license is draining, and trying to find a cheap apartment with a way to get to school is emotionally and physically exhausting. I feel like no matter what I do I am never going to be able to pull myself together and that I am always going to be stuck in a bad place. Nothing seems to work anymore so I just numb it all. I know that isn't the right decision but what else is there to do when all I am doing right now is failing everyone and everything. The fight goes on and on and on but all I want is for it to stop. I want the pounding and the pain to go away. I want all the disappointment to just leave me alone. But most of all I want to be enough. I want to be enough for someone. I scream and scream but no one seems to hear me. I cry but nothing even bothers me. I am numb at this point. I no longer feel things that I know I should. But hey I am just a teenager right? I don't know what love is, I don't know what pain is, I don't know what stress is, and I don't know when I am about to give up. With all the things that has happened to me you think the pain would be easier by now but tbh it gets worse to the point to where you can't feel a thing.

But it's alright. Everything is going to be just fine. I am going to be just fine. Always having to be the positive one that listens to all my friends and helps them out. Never getting a break to just be me for a while. No feelings are what I have at this point.

But I'll get through it, I always do.