🍎 Freddy's Apple Orchard

@froggeychair

Hiya Freddy, nice to meet you! I'm so glad you've created a virtual safe space for letting out how you feel and what you think! Apple orchard sounds lovely hehe! 💛

I love the quotes you shared, specially the last one! 💛

hi hi rainbow room hhhhhh

I miss April. I miss April 2013.

Spring is one of my favorite seasons. I hope it doesn't get too warm so soon.

It's that time again where I tend to miss everything. I miss tramy and her "hhhhhhhhhh". I miss Chris' apartment in Vienna. I miss Paul and Chuu and Pfeffer-Catto and Min and Kathi and Twitem and Duy and Joshi. I miss Marco and Sol and Soy and the AC Gang and the people who joked around with us C-Poser. I miss playing Animal Crossing until 3 am while sitting besides an open window and counting stars. I miss counting stars. I miss Jule letting me stim with her phone in chem. I miss Melli who never fulfilled her promise to play a violin duo with me. I miss chasing mini Geisti through my piles of books. I miss Kai who never wrote a song with me again. I miss Uliana, *** I hope she's alright. I miss Mina. I miss Shy and JimJim. I miss making up stories and lying to my parents to secretly meet up with Morocutti. I miss sending pinatas to Odette. I miss Fishi. I miss teaching Capybara about how beautiful she is. I miss listening to Philipp. His hyperfixation rants were the best. I miss playing cah with the honey crew. I miss EmoIsa. I miss Shelly. I miss Tamara. I miss all the groupchats whose names I don't remember.

Countless people who took up all my time. I thought I'd miss them but I don't. Knowing I don't miss them is weird. People are beautiful but so pointless. I come to the same conclusion once again: People aren't for me.

Why is nature so attractive but people so boring [to me]? Why is it that I adore mathematics and latin and ancient greek and classical music so much instead? It's apl week and I'm excited to be alone.

I miss April. But April is so close.

So many things are changing. I feel like my mind is constantly changing and it's hard to keep up. There's so much to do. I am painfully aware of some structure and routine I'm missing. I am finding ways to feel better. I am finding ways to be happier. I am finding ways which make more sense but it is weird to only discover this now.

I look around and they seem to have structure. They seem to know what makes them happy. I wish I had that structure. I wish had a clue. It's ridiculous. It's funny. It's ironic. My struggles are overseen because of my struggles. Steph was convinced at first that I'm doing perfectly fine. Steph then was convinced I'm lying, then I'm overdramatizing. After that Steph was convinced I'm underdramatizing. After that she was convinced I have depression. After that I had intrusive thoughts and anxiety according to her. Yesterday it was school's pressure and today it's my own fault because I started something which was way later than when my problems even started. She doesn't understand and I can't explain. But I still depend on her and others see her as more trustworthy than me. Nothing of this makes sense.

I seriously need some structure. How come nobody ever taught me? How come they forced their structure on me and now it's all my fault. How come they say they love me so much but they don't like my way of being happy.

hhhhhhhhh it's May and it's beautiful outside. I am proud of myself. I feel better than usual. I am proud of myself for breathing. I am actually so handsome. I am proud of myself for being and I know it's going to be okay. Because it's May and the birds are singing and I keep learning.

The songs I used to listen to suddenly are so boring and pointless. They feel just like social interaction. Classical music and being alone are so colorful. They sparkle. Like magic. It's apl week and I'm excited. My mind feels a bit like walking through a golden sparkling apple orchard.

piece of the day: Vespri solenni per la festa di San Marco by Monteverdi Claudio

grrrrrrrrrr frustrated cuz i did it again. i wish I could stop. i know i don't want this. I know this doesn't make me happy. It's a routine which seems so attractive when I'm dissociated. It's seems right for me because it seems right for others. It often is right for others. Not for me though. I don't want to hurt them again. I don't want to explain. I just want to be happy and I'll be happy when I stop that.

I need some structure to stop. I need some routine I can do instead.

How do I get this into my head. How do I get into my head that dissociation might be comfy but I'd rather have myself present when it's as easy as saying bye. or just leaving. or reading. or studying. or breathing. There are so many things I want to do and still I keep coming back to the one things which is killing me.

It's May. It's beautiful outside. But it's hard to pay attention to the beauty of nature today. Maybe Chopin will help. It's apl week and I'm excited but I seem to mess up my own apl happiness.

Incredible how I just can't do ***.

It's like I don't want to be happy.

Incredible how I can't get help since 2 years straight and they still don't know how to help me. Incredible how misunderstood one can be. Incredible that my best chance for recovery will put me back to the beginning.

I seriously need some structure and routine or else I'm going crazy. My mind is all over the place.

I'm doing better than I think. I'm handsome. It's May. April is over and the rain is pouring gently outside. I am strong and I can do this. I am strong and I am learning. I am strong and it's May so everything is going to be okay.

It's May. The air is cold. It's pouring non-stop outside. The trees look like they absorb the rain water the moment it touches their leaves. It like magic. They are sparkling. Kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kirakirakirakirakirakirakirakirakirakirakirakirakirakirakirakirakirakirakirakira

My mind is all over the place. Seriously need some structure and routine.

I'm pwoud of myself for managing to express how I feel to my therapist today. Pwoud of myself for telling Steph no. Pwoud of myself for breathing. Pwoud of myself for trying. Pwoud of myself for drinking water. Pwoud of myself for trying to take a nap. Pwoud of myself for opening the window. Pwoud of myself for revising the new piano stuff. I'm managing ofcourse, I'm strong and handsome but still hurts.

April is over. I miss April.

I'll never get my head to cooperate with this but I really have to because otherwise I am ***.

What's the matter mind just do it? Please do it

i'm so tired. i say no to stuff so i can gain energy to study and pass the *** year and they hate me for it. i tell her the truth for the first time about how I feel about stuff and her reaction: "wow that's your fault". Mhm sensory issues aren't exactly my fault even when my mind and body are weird about it. i can't grasp the concept of love and this makes it hard to believe she's trying to help.

proud of myself for how prettily I organized my shelf, I did such a good job hhhhhhh proud of myself proud of myself pwoud of mysewf.

It's May and it's pouring again. It's beautiful outside and I'm handsome as ever hhhhhhgggg "Wir sehen Neptun" "mAnChMaL"

Piece of the day: Die Moldau

I dunt hav enewgy and I cawnt get enewgy. The things which used to hewp me don't hewp anymowe. Music doesn't sound good. *** and other Socials is a NoNo cuz ovawhewming as weww. What does Fweddy do?

It's May and I'm slowly going insane.

I can't *** do this anymore. Anytime someone asks me how I am doing I want to burst but if I burst they'll call me an evil psychopath. At this point I can't do anything for myself anymore.

I solely live for other people so they can live off my energy. Imgoinginsaneimgoinginsaneingoinginsane. Can I please leave that *** groupchat? Can I please put my *** phone away. Can I please stop this? I mean I really want this to stop. But if I'll put my phone away anxiety and chronic pain and all thoughts will come back in. And either way I'll perish. I'll perish. People say talking will make it easier. But after talking I'll still perish. And everything will be even worse than before.

I want to run away. Far away. I want to get distance to all these people who consider me their f. I don't want to have these people in my life which pull me into invisible contracts, who think overstepping boundaries is alright when they pulled me unknowingly into that contract, i dont want to have these people in my life i don't want to have these people in my life i don't want to have these people in my life. everywhere I go it's natural everywhere i look it's normal everywhere i look it's the only acceptable option. please stop. please stop talking to me. please stop telling me I'm special. please stop telling me you want to spend your life with me please stop making plans with me please stop caring about me more than about any other person. please stop. i want all of this to stop. i want to be able to say i'm non-friending. i want to be able to say no. i want to be able to say i don't care. i want to be able to ignore everybody around me. i want to be able to be apothiplatonic without forcing *** onto myself. could somebody make everyone around me disappear? please lemme start a new life somewhere where nobody knows who I am as an eremite in the woods. It's May and I want to scream. "Wir sehen Neptun." "mAnChMaL"

Piece: Chopin e minor etude

nope nope nope nopenopenppenopenopemppe

cmon please shut up i don't want this. i don't want the hearts, i don't want the "awww did something happen luvvv<3". please goawaypleasegoawaypleasegoawaypleasegoawsy teleport me out of here

It's May and I feel empty.

My head is spinning. I don't know what I'm doing anymore but that's probably more than before. The internet is so empty. People are so empty. So boring and pointless it's insane. I try to engage in social but it's pointless. I want to run away from all these people. I don't want to fit in, I finally want to leave.

yupp I'm going crazy. i knew this'd make me feel awful. what am I doing? what are u doing, freddy?

What are you doing, Freddy? Don't you know that will make you hate yourself? Yupp, I know. I'm aware. Why does everything have to be so real? I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to bang my head against a nice solid wall so I never have to think again. I want to run far away. I don't want to go back. I don't want to go back to people. Most of them are so sweet. And I still hate it. Why can't I just back off? Why do I feel so obligated to talk to other people? What are you doing, Freddy? what are you doing

I should find some healthy coping mechanisms. The f one is not helpful. Funny how it keeps making me insane and I can't help it. I meditated today twice. Proud of myself for that. Fs make me go insane. Getting up was easier today. My head is a mess. I don't know how to act anymore. I often know how I'm supposed to act. I learned to act that way. But it's painful. It makes me more functional I guess but just to other people. I loose control over myself and it doesn't feel like I'm truly alive. What are you doing, Freddy? I am doing my best. That has to be enough. It is enough. It will be enough. I know that. But I wish everything was easier.

What's the point if I keep harming myself. I am not going to stop am I? It isn't even a knife. Without it everything is pointless. Without it I reread my favorite manga, study, read, practice instruments and learn languages. My life is so perfect without it. So perfect it would be pointless. I want to freeze time and go. Far away. Somewhere to Lola and farer along.

Turns out. Everything is hard because I'm overwhelmed. Turns out sleeping makes it better. But how am I supposed to keep up w school when I need the whole afternoon to recover from school. Cry.

What's wrong? Everything.

Daylight is too bright. Makes my head hurt. Phone screen makes my head hurt. Eating makes me feel sick no matter what I eat or how much. No matter what I do anxiety catches up when I don't keep my perfect structure. Breathing hurts, my finger tips hurt, my feet hurt. Dissociated I can't get my mind to cooperate but when I am grounded my body doesn't cooperate. My parents don't believe I dissociate but they deeply believe in my sensory issues being my own fault. Funny. So so funny. Funny. funnyfunnyfunny. I never realized the physical signs of overwhelm my body has been giving me were overwhelm lol. It still sounds very fake to me that other people don't feel like they were just run over by a car after school.

I'm scared I know I'm doing stupid things but I can't reach my mind or body. I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared cuz i flipped through my notebook and I just hope I'm imagining my schizo & psychosis symptoms getting stronger.

the people around me love me and care Abt me a lot and it makes me want 2 throw up. other people would be so happy. i wish I could just transfer attraction other people feel towards me to someone else. need a friend? here u go!!!! i don't want them!!!! please take them!!!!! please get all these people off me who think it is ok to pull me into a friendship contract without asking. please get me out of platonormativity

On the Bright Side i made apothiapl flags 2 better show my passion for hating friendships and rejecting platonormativity and I added dimin/unedo to my pronoun sets for the spinterest obsession also i feel miserable but less insane than last week so ok

going insane again

i am ovethinking this again I've been overthinking this so many times. i need to stop it's making me go crazy. i just want to sleep. whyyyyyy am I doing this. it's alright it's okay breathebreathebreathebreathebreathebreathebreathe.

someone get me out of my brain. i am so scared of ending up in a psychward again. last time was horrible and i'm scared. i hate people. they want to put me into psychwards.

I don't know how I ended up in this headspace again.

I spent the whole day on my phone but I deep dived into my special interest so well I feel so dissociatey but that makes sense. So I didn't get anything done but I now know I have a special interest in human behaviour and that explains so much. But it made me forget I am a living human being who is supposed to get stuff done. Andddd now I am stressed and anxious because I don't have structure, I am supposed to function and I have to navigate these social situations tomorrow I have no idea how to deal with.

I lost my mind again. In too many things.

Can't trust psychiatrists, doctors or any medical professionals. Can't trust my guardians. Can't trust my fam. Can't trust my friends. Can't trust the people close to me. Can't trust the people I talk to. Can't trust socials. Can't trust my own mind or perception. Can't trust anyone or anything. Nowhere is safe.

I'm so stupid. "If I master social interaction my life will be amazing I'll be happy" Surprise, you never will. You don't even want to ha. Try to figure that one out. I hate people.

Scared of psychward. just scared. I don't trust them. I don't trust anyone. Doctors are the worst from all. I need to stop talking. To anyone. My friends are some *** vampires longing for my blood and energy. A lot of people are. I thought everything is going to be okk when I tell people stuff makes me uncomfy. But platonormativity reigns their minds. They're hopeless. "We care about you." "I'm so glad we've met" "hey bestieee". No, shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. I wish I was allowed to stab them. Fantasizing about some aesthetic daggers in the back's of the people I talk to.

my brain doesn't work. made impulsive decision 2 meet up w my "friends". trying to comprehend that i feel awful becuz i met up 4 hours w my "friends" and that destroys me completely cuz like I'm aware but people around me keep telling me or experiencing other things than me so it's like kinda shocking my memory is quite reliable actually sometimes can be and idk how to tell my therapist anything that's on my mind like i literally cannot tell her if I do not script it out. i totally don't get that btw but somewhere in between audhd trauma constant dissociation chronic pain burnout anxiety depression hating people not trusting doctors i guess it makes sense or sumthing

hewo dear apple orchard, i haven't been here for some days~ I hope some peace and quiet helped you blossom? mhm it's prolly not yet the time for you to carry blossoms and fruits. it's june which makes me painfully aware of how much time I loose thanks to dissociating through life. even on good days it's so difficult ugh. today started off good ! i even stimmed and remembered to breathe and take a break... but one small thing can flip my mood in under a second. My piano teacher is going to ask me how my music performance went and how do I explain I didn't play even one correct chord? She'll understand I'm sure but I hate being vulnerable and I hate to admit I have zero control over my mood. I'm dreading that conversation already.. i am aware what's happening with me and my mindset right now. it's changing and that's scary. it's good change but it's hard to see it as good change when to most people I'm just becoming less useful or worse

@froggeychair

hey. Long time no see.