🍎 Freddy's Apple Orchard

@froggeychair

Hiya Freddy, nice to meet you! I'm so glad you've created a virtual safe space for letting out how you feel and what you think! Apple orchard sounds lovely hehe! 💛

I love the quotes you shared, specially the last one! 💛

hi hi rainbow room hhhhhh

I miss April. I miss April 2013.

Spring is one of my favorite seasons. I hope it doesn't get too warm so soon.

It's that time again where I tend to miss everything. I miss tramy and her "hhhhhhhhhh". I miss Chris' apartment in Vienna. I miss Paul and Chuu and Pfeffer-Catto and Min and Kathi and Twitem and Duy and Joshi. I miss Marco and Sol and Soy and the AC Gang and the people who joked around with us C-Poser. I miss playing Animal Crossing until 3 am while sitting besides an open window and counting stars. I miss counting stars. I miss Jule letting me stim with her phone in chem. I miss Melli who never fulfilled her promise to play a violin duo with me. I miss chasing mini Geisti through my piles of books. I miss Kai who never wrote a song with me again. I miss Uliana, *** I hope she's alright. I miss Mina. I miss Shy and JimJim. I miss making up stories and lying to my parents to secretly meet up with Morocutti. I miss sending pinatas to Odette. I miss Fishi. I miss teaching Capybara about how beautiful she is. I miss listening to Philipp. His hyperfixation rants were the best. I miss playing cah with the honey crew. I miss EmoIsa. I miss Shelly. I miss Tamara. I miss all the groupchats whose names I don't remember.

Countless people who took up all my time. I thought I'd miss them but I don't. Knowing I don't miss them is weird. People are beautiful but so pointless. I come to the same conclusion once again: People aren't for me.

Why is nature so attractive but people so boring [to me]? Why is it that I adore mathematics and latin and ancient greek and classical music so much instead? It's apl week and I'm excited to be alone.

I miss April. But April is so close.

So many things are changing. I feel like my mind is constantly changing and it's hard to keep up. There's so much to do. I am painfully aware of some structure and routine I'm missing. I am finding ways to feel better. I am finding ways to be happier. I am finding ways which make more sense but it is weird to only discover this now.

I look around and they seem to have structure. They seem to know what makes them happy. I wish I had that structure. I wish had a clue. It's ridiculous. It's funny. It's ironic. My struggles are overseen because of my struggles. Steph was convinced at first that I'm doing perfectly fine. Steph then was convinced I'm lying, then I'm overdramatizing. After that Steph was convinced I'm underdramatizing. After that she was convinced I have depression. After that I had intrusive thoughts and anxiety according to her. Yesterday it was school's pressure and today it's my own fault because I started something which was way later than when my problems even started. She doesn't understand and I can't explain. But I still depend on her and others see her as more trustworthy than me. Nothing of this makes sense.

I seriously need some structure. How come nobody ever taught me? How come they forced their structure on me and now it's all my fault. How come they say they love me so much but they don't like my way of being happy.

hhhhhhhhh it's May and it's beautiful outside. I am proud of myself. I feel better than usual. I am proud of myself for breathing. I am actually so handsome. I am proud of myself for being and I know it's going to be okay. Because it's May and the birds are singing and I keep learning.

The songs I used to listen to suddenly are so boring and pointless. They feel just like social interaction. Classical music and being alone are so colorful. They sparkle. Like magic. It's apl week and I'm excited. My mind feels a bit like walking through a golden sparkling apple orchard.

piece of the day: Vespri solenni per la festa di San Marco by Monteverdi Claudio

grrrrrrrrrr frustrated cuz i did it again. i wish I could stop. i know i don't want this. I know this doesn't make me happy. It's a routine which seems so attractive when I'm dissociated. It's seems right for me because it seems right for others. It often is right for others. Not for me though. I don't want to hurt them again. I don't want to explain. I just want to be happy and I'll be happy when I stop that.

I need some structure to stop. I need some routine I can do instead.

How do I get this into my head. How do I get into my head that dissociation might be comfy but I'd rather have myself present when it's as easy as saying bye. or just leaving. or reading. or studying. or breathing. There are so many things I want to do and still I keep coming back to the one things which is killing me.

It's May. It's beautiful outside. But it's hard to pay attention to the beauty of nature today. Maybe Chopin will help. It's apl week and I'm excited but I seem to mess up my own apl happiness.

Incredible how I just can't do ***.

It's like I don't want to be happy.

Incredible how I can't get help since 2 years straight and they still don't know how to help me. Incredible how misunderstood one can be. Incredible that my best chance for recovery will put me back to the beginning.

I seriously need some structure and routine or else I'm going crazy. My mind is all over the place.

I'm doing better than I think. I'm handsome. It's May. April is over and the rain is pouring gently outside. I am strong and I can do this. I am strong and I am learning. I am strong and it's May so everything is going to be okay.

It's May. The air is cold. It's pouring non-stop outside. The trees look like they absorb the rain water the moment it touches their leaves. It like magic. They are sparkling. Kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kira kirakirakirakirakirakirakirakirakirakirakirakirakirakirakirakirakirakirakirakira

My mind is all over the place. Seriously need some structure and routine.

I'm pwoud of myself for managing to express how I feel to my therapist today. Pwoud of myself for telling Steph no. Pwoud of myself for breathing. Pwoud of myself for trying. Pwoud of myself for drinking water. Pwoud of myself for trying to take a nap. Pwoud of myself for opening the window. Pwoud of myself for revising the new piano stuff. I'm managing ofcourse, I'm strong and handsome but still hurts.

April is over. I miss April.

I'll never get my head to cooperate with this but I really have to because otherwise I am ***.

What's the matter mind just do it? Please do it

i'm so tired. i say no to stuff so i can gain energy to study and pass the *** year and they hate me for it. i tell her the truth for the first time about how I feel about stuff and her reaction: "wow that's your fault". Mhm sensory issues aren't exactly my fault even when my mind and body are weird about it. i can't grasp the concept of love and this makes it hard to believe she's trying to help.

proud of myself for how prettily I organized my shelf, I did such a good job hhhhhhh proud of myself proud of myself pwoud of mysewf.

It's May and it's pouring again. It's beautiful outside and I'm handsome as ever hhhhhhgggg "Wir sehen Neptun" "mAnChMaL"

Piece of the day: Die Moldau