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Diary of a Workaholic...

brightPenguin4569 November 2nd, 2021

Dear diary,

I am a Bright Penguin and a workaholic one too. This is my first entry and I was prompted to write this because I need someone to talk to.

My employer has just ordered everyone to start working from office again and I feel sad because of it. Now I have less time to spend around my mother and my dog. Moreover, I have been overworked lately due to lack of staff in my team, so I may have been doing what should have been done by a team of 2-4 people. On top of that, I also have a part-time job, am preparing for a certification, as well as looking for another job.

It's difficult to juggle this all already, but today I felt that I hit my limit. After nearly 12 hours at work (which happens every day), I crashed at home. I was supposed to workout, prepare for an upcoming interview and take a test for my certification. I ended up watching YouTube for 1.5 hour, did not workout, did not prepare for the interview, and did not do well on the test. There were 22 problems, I was only able to reach 18 questions even after skipping a handful of those. Out of the questions I answered, I was pretty sure some of them were wrong.

Tomorrow, everything starts all over again. I am going to wake up at 5, reach the office at 7.30 and crashed at home again at 9pm. I wonder how I can get out of this trap. This is not where I wanted to be at this age.


Sincerely,

Bright (and Workaholic) Penguin

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brightPenguin4569 OP November 17th, 2022

Dear Diary,

When it rains, it pours. I had five interviews during the past four days. In fact, two of those interviews were on-site. Two days ago, I had to leave the comfort of my room and go to the downtown area for these interviews. As if in déj vu, I remembered visiting that office around 3 years ago. I also had two interviews at that time, but unfortunately did not get the offer. This time is different: yesterday I received an offer from this company. I feel grateful and confused at the same time. Obviously, I feel happy that a path for my exit is now available. But, I also feel a fear of missing out. What if the other companies also liked me and extended their offers? What if they would give me even better job offers? Oh well, I'm trying not to think too much about it. This penguin will only take things one day at a time.

Yesterday, I had a rather quiet day. There was no interview yesterday, so I got the chance to recuperate before today's interviews. Yesterday night, though, I had an interview practice with a friend. I did not do well on that practice and, as a result, I felt anxious for the rest of the night. I slept at midnight but woke up again after one hour, apparently woken up by a nightmare in which I answered endless interview questions and kept making one mistake after another. After about one hour, I managed to have a sleep ridden with job-interview-themed nightmares again. I woke up this morning feeling tired and anxious. By lunchtime, I also felt nausea.

After lunch, things recovered a little. My first interview began and I think I did well in most of the parts. There was a tricky question that stumped me at the end, but hopefully, my confidence and accuracy prior to that moment would carry my overall interview performance. I had two hours to rest, and then another interview began. I felt that I did well on the second interview. (Not perfect, but perhaps good enough).

Needless to say, I skipped my workout today. I barely have the energy to write this journal, but it's important to catch up with you, Dear Diary. The past four days have been so eventful, that I want to remember them. But before I go, I want to update you on several things that don't fit any narrative at all. That's why I fit them into a list. Please bear with me, I hope you won't find them boring. One, I finished Midnight's Children and started reading the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Two, I am halfway through the Cowboy Bebop live-action series, which is not very good compared to the anime but is sufficient to provide me with closure. Three, I started meditating again. Four, I've been playing routinely with my mother's yellow pet bird. Five, I think I saw a new gecko in my bathroom.


Best regards,

Bright (and Exhausted) Penguin


Things to be grateful for today: (1) the job offer I received, (2) the opportunity to do my best during two interviews today, and (3) the support that I received from my family in these uncertain times.

2 replies
2aphod8eeblebrox November 17th, 2022

Your interviews sound so taxing, @brightPenguin4569! It must be hard to throw yourself into each one so completely, but I'm sure the interviewer appreciates your efforts (or at least they should.) Glad to hear you are meditating again, and I hope it helps you sleep better even in the absence of a workout.

Of course I am happy to read that you have started the Hitchhiker's Guide! I'm actually loading up my phone with the radio series, so I can listen for the 8 hundredth time on my trip. Truly, it is funny every time.

1 reply
brightPenguin4569 OP November 18th, 2022

@2aphod8eeblebrox Indeed, the interviews were so taxing! But this is quite common in my line of work and especially where I live. Thanks a lot for your encouraging words!

Funny story: I just realized your name (and the tagline on your profile picture) was taken from Hitchhiker's Guide. I agree with you. It's really funny. I've only read a few chapters but I know right away I'm going to enjoy this.

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brightPenguin4569 OP November 25th, 2022

Dear Diary,

Today has been pretty exhausting (and fulfilling) for me. About 2.5 hours ago, I finished an assignment related to another position I applied to. This assignment took almost my entire waking hour since Wednesday noon and, still, I wasn't able to finish it. Unfortunately, I had to submit it at 7 pm, so I did.

In total, I am now going through five recruitment processes: (a) two in the negotiation stage, (b) one in the final selection stage, and (c) two in the early selection stage. I negotiated the compensation offer with the two companies a few days ago, which means I only need to wait for now. I don't mind waiting for long since my target job was actually the one in the final selection stage. I can only hope that the final selection stage moves quickly and smoothly. As for the two early selection stages, I completed the test for one of them just now and will take the other one next Tuesday. Next week is going to be exhausting!

As I told you before, I feel really exhausted today. This caused a small conflict between me and my mother during dinner. My mother was talking about selecting packaged peanuts as a gift for my sister's host family in Canada. She said one brand was delicious but the packaging was terrible, whereas the other one was not-so-delicious but has great packaging. She asked me to help her choose.

I told her to purchase both of them, pour the not-so-delicious ones into a plate, and move the delicious peanuts into the great packaging. Voila! But she seemed irritated by this and told me that I have a weird way of thinking. She suggested that, perhaps, it was because I think too much in the first place, mentioning the fact that I spent almost an entire day finishing an assignment for my job application. This got me. This really got me.

As I felt tired (due to the assignment) and disappointed (due to the assignment not being finished by the deadline), what my mother said got to my nerves. It ruined my mood and I became silent. Whatever my mother said, I only replied curtly. I haven't had time to reconcile with her after dinner, since I was still angry. I am no longer angry now, but now she is in her room and I am in mine. Tomorrow, things will become normal again as if nothing ever happened -- but, for some reason, it just doesn't feel good to sleep with this feeling. I won't do anything about it, of course, but I just want to write to you about this. Maybe one day, I can be more expressive of my feeling to the people I care about, instead of resorting to writing an online diary.

That's all for today. I'm off to watch Violet Evergarden. It's a bit corny at times but, to be honest, I still like it. Perhaps, I have to compensate for my over-analytical and hyper-cynical nature during the day with a dose of romantic-comedy anime sweetness. Bye bye for now.


Best regards,

Bright Penguin


Things to be grateful for today: (1) delicious scallops for dinner, (2) Pat Metheny's Kin album, and (3) the opportunity and time to write you today.

brightPenguin4569 OP December 3rd, 2022

Dear Diary,

Bright Penguin is back, reporting from Sister Penguin's room. Why from Sister Penguin's room? Let's update you on the boring stuff first before we get to the good stuff.

My interview this Tuesday seemed to go well. It was an intense three-and-a-half-hour test, but I was able to submit a result that satisfied my pride. I hope it was good enough for the interviewer as well. On the other hand, my dream company told me a few days ago that they may have to postpone my interviews until January 2023. They informed me that most of the interviewers are already taking their time off and there is a long office closure coming up. I pushed back by saying that it will be better if they can conduct the interviews this month, as I already received offers from two other companies (which is true, by the way). The HR was receptive to what I said and promised that she will do her best to schedule the interviews as soon as possible. I'm not too optimistic though. I continue to hope that they will interview me and come up with a decision to hire or not, prior to my answering the other two offers. But that seems unlikely. Needless to say, this postponement sent me into limbo and I'm disappointed that my job search dragged on longer than I expected.

Now on to the good stuff. Today I took both my parents to the airport. They are going to visit my sister in Canada. Then, on my way home, I stopped by a shopping mall and treated myself to an ice cream crepes and a haircut. These treats made me happy but were not able to relieve my sadness from being left alone at home. I also felt sad because my dog was also sad. My dog kept looking for my mother and, failing to do that, whined in response. This is why I moved to my sister's room. My dog has been sleeping in my sister's room at night, accompanying my mother. I hope this can lessen the sadness my dog and I are feeling.

In the process of moving my stuff to my sister's room, I had a sudden realization. Being left by someone feels very different from leaving someone. I now understand why my parents were really sad when I lived in the US for six years. Viewed from this angle, I feel grateful that I did not get a job in the US because I am now able to be more present in my parents' lives. Simultaneously, moving to my sister's room allowed me to see my room without its usual contents: no laptop, no reading light, no pillows, just walls, and tables. It saddened me to see my sanctum changing shape and losing its usual ability to comfort me on lonely nights. Moreover, since I plan to move out after getting a new job, I know that this will happen again sometime soon.

By the way, did I tell you that I also slept in my sister's room three years ago, almost to the date? That time, there was a severe rainstorm that short-circuited my air conditioner. That is why I had to evacuate from my room and sleep in my sister's room for nearly a month. For some reason, I now feel nostalgic about that time as well. I was also job-searching at that time, which led me to my current job. To commemorate that period, I am also listening to the playlist I listened to three years ago: The Knocks' New York Narcotic and Taylor Swift's Lover.

Happy Holidays, Dear Diary.


Best regards,

Bright (and Pensive) Penguin


Things to be grateful for today: (1) quality time with my parents before they boarded the plane, (2) time to relax at the shopping mall, and (3) a healthy dinner composed of tofu with seaweed and an unripe jackfruit dish.

brightPenguin4569 OP December 11th, 2022

Dear Diary,

It has been a week since my parents went to Canada. They sent me cool photos from Whitehorse, Yukon where they searched for aurora borealis. Due to bad luck, the sky was cloudy over the past few days and they couldn't even see the moon. Unfortunately, they had to leave Whitehorse to visit other cities in Canada. Their photos renew my interest in living reclusively, especially in regions like Alaska. I'd love to build a log cabin and live reclusively one day. In any case, my parents are going home in a few days. What's more? My sister is returning home too! It has been years since all four of us gather at the same time at the same place.

I also want to update you on what happened on Friday. I was supposed to have an interview that day, but the interview ended up being canceled. Funnily the interviewer joined the Zoom call five minutes late only to say that he couldn't interview me, since my employer is one of his clients. He refused to interview me for fear of being accused of poaching talents from clients. Oh well. After the supposed interview, I went to a restaurant at a nice hotel where there was a meet-up. This meet-up was arranged for people who pursue the certification exam that I passed a few months ago. It was nice that, despite my introversion, I was able to enjoy the events and made a few connections. I won't neglect to mention the incredible food: yakisoba, gyoza, broccoli & tofu, salami pizza, mashed potatoes, cheesecake, and chocolate cake. Yes, I ate them all!

I arrived home at 10 pm, with a little bit of a runny nose. Naturally, I felt afraid that I might have gotten infected with the coronavirus. So on Saturday morning, I went to get a PCR test which returns a negative result. I ended up taking flu medicine to alleviate my flu-like sickness. Fortunately, I recovered completely on Sunday morning. There were also two other things that stood up on Saturday. First, on my journey to the PCR test, I met a family acquaintance. Unexpectedly, he asked for a loan from me. I declined politely, by stating that he should ask my parents instead. Strangely, he became apprehensive at the time. I offered to pass his request to my parents but he refused. Secondly, due to boredom (which I don't get to experience a lot lately), I purchased a game called Papers, Please on Android. It was a pretty fun game.

The past week has been really special for me. Living in my sister's room has been quite like a vacation. The layout of the furniture, the color of the wall, and the decoration all present a change of air that I desperately need. However, tonight may be the last time I am going to sleep here. Tomorrow morning, I will move my stuff back to my room. On Tuesday, my family will return home and I have to vacate my sister's room.

One more thing, I'm going to have an interview tomorrow morning. I had been feeling rather anxious since the interviewer was quite senior. She used to hold the highest-ranked position in the firm in my country, so I expect her to give me a challenging problem tomorrow. I've been meditating sporadically for the past few days in order to fight the resulting anxiety. It's really hard to meditate consistently when things are quiet. I wish I can be more consistent though. I need to maintain my spiritual well-being by meditating and being mindful of the Stoic philosophy that I want to apply to my own life.

That's all for today. I found a great anime called Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny Girl Senpai. I like it quite a lot and am going to watch it now. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I seem to enjoy romantic stories these days.


Best regards,

Bright Penguin


Things to be grateful for today: (1) Galantis' The Aviary and Church albums, Pillow Fight is such a great song, (2) sleeping in my sister's room for the past week, and (3) anime Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny Girl Senpai.

brightPenguin4569 OP December 16th, 2022

Dear Diary,

This has been yet another eventful week. I was supposed to have a total of four interviews this week but one got canceled, so I had three which was still quite many. Two of these interviews were with my dream company: one on Monday, and the other one has just finished six hours ago. The one on Monday was quite tough as the interviewer was quite senior. She asked me lots of difficult questions and I was stumped multiple times during the interview. The one I had just now, however, seemed too easy that I felt afraid they were trick questions. Besides that, my internet also got disconnected in the middle of the interview. I hope it wouldn't impact the assessment negatively. Lastly, I also had an interview yesterday at a different company, which was only for backup in case my Plan A did not work out. Nonetheless, I was glad to hear that I did well on this backup interview and received an offer today. In total, I now have three offers waiting for my signature. Hopefully, my dream company will get back to me soon, so that I won't have to decline any of the backup offers before getting a definite yes/no from them.

There were a lot of interesting developments in my current work as well. On Tuesday and Wednesday, there was a two-day training event at a hotel. The training session itself was quite interesting in some parts, though I found the rest of the materials boring. What I liked about it was the meal provided by the hotel. On the first day, I had spaghetti with carbonara sauce and spiced fish which I enjoyed thoroughly with milk tea. The meal on the second day was equally delicious, consisting of spaghetti Aglio e olio and fish piccata. Unfortunately, I did not have the time to enjoy it. A colleague bothered me with an urgent task that I had to finish quickly before lunchtime was over. So I stuffed my mouth with this delicious meal while looking at my phone screen and replying to WhatsApp throughout. In 15 minutes, I returned to the auditorium to finish the urgent task. I was so upset, I had to seriously hold back my impulse to just resign from my position.

Finally and definitely not least, my parents returned from Canada with my sister. My sister was spending some time at a shopping mall right after leaving the airport. I picked her up on my way home from the training. She seemed sad about leaving Canada, and this reminds me of myself three years ago. To an extent, I still feel sad about leaving the US as well but the sadness had become manageable these days. This is a normal feeling in any form of farewell. I even felt sad about moving back to my room only after one week of sleeping in my sister's room. But this won't deter me. Tomorrow, I will take my parents and my sister to a nice restaurant and buy them a meal. Hopefully, this is enough as a warm welcome for my sister.

One more thing. I just finished the series Rascal Does Not Dream of a Bunny Girl. I found the latter part of the series boring, but the first three episodes easily compensated for it. The series actually reminded me of Haruki Murakami's work and made me want to read fiction works with a similar style. After finishing Hitchhiker's Guide, I will probably pick up Cloud Atlas for my pre-sleep night-time ritual of reading. I am also curious about the Rascal Does Not Dream of a Dreaming Girl film. It might be able to evoke the kind of feeling I've been seeking. However, due to a terrible internet connection today, I will likely postpone watching it until tomorrow. For now, I'm going to play CIV 5 as the Mayans.


Best regards,

Bright Penguin


Things to be grateful for today: (1) being able to have dinner with my parents and my sister for the past few days (we haven't done this for a few years at least), (2) doing well on interviews and receiving three offers so far, and (3) opportunity to practice amor fati and mindfulness meditation in between interviews.

1 reply
2aphod8eeblebrox December 20th, 2022

Hi again, @brightPenguin4569. Just caught up on all your December updates. Congrats on all the job offers so far! I hope the one you have been waiting for comes through in a timely manner.

"Papers Please" is a great game. Lately I've been playing "Not Tonight" - same mechanics, but with a dystopian Brexit concept.

Your story about your mom's comment at dinner really connected with me. Striving for something only to be casually dismissed as frivolous really hurts.

Reading about all the amazing food you've been eating (or rushing through eating) has made me hungry. Can't wait to read about what it's like to have your sister home with everyone.

1 reply
brightPenguin4569 OP December 26th, 2022

Hello there @2aphod8eeblebrox! Thanks for the congratulations!

How was your vacation with your SO? Looking forward to reading your story in your diary entry!

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brightPenguin4569 OP December 26th, 2022

Dear Diary,

I was planning to write you last weekend, but things came up and I had to delay it until today. But it's better late than never, so write I will.

Many things happened last weekend. On Saturday (Christmas eve), I caught up with old friends from high school. We went to a shopping mall and dined at a local pizzeria. Taking advantage of the free refill of blackcurrant tea, we sat there for an hour after finishing the meal, delighted by the opportunity of constant refreshment while exchanging several years' worth of life stories. During the conversation, I felt impatient to hear their stories and to tell mine. However, after several hours of talking, I sensed that we almost ran out of conversation topics so I called it a day. Even old friends can run out of topics. Deep down, I felt a little sad that we seemed to have grown apart. We worked in different sectors and, for that reason, we had little things to talk about except to reminisce about the past. Strangely, I also felt happy. They have grown so much in their career that I felt a genuine desire to support them, even if that means they will grow further apart from me. Few things are more painful than realizing that your friend has stayed the same for years. I arrived home before sunset to find a surprise gift from my mother and sister: a Bluetooth speaker.

The next day, my parents and I went to the church for the Christmas service. My sister did not join, claiming that she was still dealing with jet lag. This excuse seemed reasonable, but I suspected that she had a hidden motive for not going to the church. Returning from the church, we picked up my sister to eat out for lunch. On the way to a restaurant, I became more convinced that my sister may have changed as much as I did from living abroad. My mother seemed to have rummaged through my sister's luggage and found a face mask with an LGBTQ rainbow flag. She demanded an explanation from my sister, who said that she mistakenly bought it in Canada, not knowing that it symbolized support for LGBTQ. Quickly, my father concluded the matter, instructing my sister to never wear this mask and to throw it away promptly.

I am highly confident that my sister is straight, due to her already being in a relationship with a boy for several years, maintaining it across a long distance. Nonetheless, I am also highly confident that my sister supports equal rights for LGBTQ, owning the face mask as a sign of support. Perhaps she was surprised to find such antagonism from my parents, but things are really different here where I am. I also consider myself an ally of LGBTQ. This is why I kept an American flag in my backpack, reminding me to advocate for the freedom of the disenfranchised. On the other hand, a blatant display of such support is not likely to be received well here. I hope my sister won't get in trouble and will learn quickly how to support this cause in a more discreet-yet-effective manner. I can't help but feel compassion for those who are misunderstood in my culture.

Skip forward to today, I was supposed to work but spent almost an entire day attending a medical check-up. To be honest, I feel happier this way. Having received the year-end bonus, I now feel much more disengaged at my job than ever before. The hospital also provided me with breakfast; this never failed to make me happy. This reminded me that happiness sometimes only requires simple things. I went home and realized that a few people have pinged my WhatsApp, assigning me new tasks. I ignored them and played a video game instead. For about a week, I've been so fascinated with Cities Skylines. I built my first city and achieved all the milestones in the game on my first try, which I suppose was good enough for a beginner. Today I started a new city, which I hope will be even better than my first attempt.

I've also been rewatching Makoto Shinkai's animes. On the weekend, I rewatched Garden of Words which had carried me through hard times during graduate school four years ago. I don't know what is it about Japanese authors and anime directors, but they seemed to have a knack for tugging at your heartstring.


Best regards,

Bright Penguin


Things to be grateful for today: (1) Parcels' self-titled debut album, which I am listening to right now using the new Bluetooth speaker, (2) a simple but nice meal at the hospital this morning, and (3) time to play Cities Skylines on a Monday.

brightPenguin4569 OP January 2nd, 2023

Dear Diary,

Happy New Year! In this new year, I've decided to continue writing you. I must tell you that writing to you has been beneficial for me. I now feel I have a place to express deep emotions that I'm reluctant to express elsewhere. I am sorry to start this new year on quite a somber note, but I've been feeling pretty sad lately. I thought it will be good to express it here.

The past week has been mostly boring for me. Most of my colleagues took their vacation and I was left without many tasks to do. I occupied myself with Cities Skylines during the weekdays. The lack of progress in my job search (due to year-end office closures) also reinforced my desire to take a short break from pursuing my long-term goals. So, on Friday night, I watched an anime called I Want to Eat Your Pancreas (IWEYP). I was expecting a regular anime but was left with overwhelming grief after finishing the movie. I won't spoil anything here, but the interaction between the main characters was reminiscent of my past relationship with my ex in the US.

It was a sad anime just as it was, but the nostalgia it triggered made it even sadder for me. On Saturday, I spent an entire day rewatching scenes from IWEYP and Your Name as well as a few reaction videos to them. At midnight, there were plenty of fireworks for the new year, but I was really focused on indulging my desire for nostalgia. I was so overwhelmed by the flood of emotion that I could not sleep until 4 am. I still feel emotionally heavy even though I tried to distract myself yesterday by watching a mystery anime (Erased) on Netflix.

I will admit it here. I have a weak spot for girls with bubbly personalities. Most of the girls I've had romantic interests in are outgoing and social. Perhaps it compensated for my introversion. This is why watching certain animes often trigger an emotion that is familiar but also rarely felt lately. I now realized that it is not that I haven't moved on from my ex, but that I want to be in a relationship again with someone like her. I want to start dating again, but at the same time, I fear that I will never meet someone who will complement my personality again.

In the end, I am not really sure what triggered episodes of excessive worry and grief about romantic relationships in me, but I know this isn't the first time. I had one of these episodes in 2022 last August as well. After a few weeks, unpredictably the feeling of heaviness will lift up and I will feel normal again. This may be a sign that I have to start taking care of my emotional well-being -- and I intend to do that, really -- but I hope I can finish all this job-searching business before dating again.

That's all for today. I'm probably going to watch some other sad anime.


Best regards,

Bright (and Sad) Penguin


Things to be grateful for today: (1) the ability to fill my usually-empty heart with love again, (2) a nice latte before a workout, and (3) time to think about personal relationships and the future

brightPenguin4569 OP January 9th, 2023

Dear Diary,

The year 2022 has ended, but my culinary adventure has not! On Saturday, I went to a friend's wedding. It was quite a glamorous wedding and the meals were served in a Chinese banquet style consisting of eight dishes. I gained one kilogram in a single day. In any case, I hope my friend will be happy in his marriage. The next day, I went to the church with my family and there was communion. I felt bored throughout and daydreamed about other things during the Sunday service. After the church, we went to have lunch together with an aunt's family from the mother's side. Her son (my cousin) is going to have a wedding in a few months and would like my family to help plan the event. During lunch, my uncle jokingly asked me if I already have a girlfriend -- to which I replied that I do not have a girlfriend yet since nobody wants to be with me. I was only partially joking since I know I should spend more time putting myself out there before meeting the right one.

Then Monday came. I received yet another offer last week and sent my counteroffer today. Unfortunately, my long-awaited interview decision from my target company has yet to arrive in my email inbox. I hope it will end happily and that the wait is worth it. Before my workout, I also had an interview with another company and did quite poorly. In any case, I took it as a learning opportunity, especially since I was actually targeting a different company.

I also finished reading Hitchhiker's Guide and Restaurant at the End of the Galaxy last week. Soon after, I picked up a sentimental light novel by a Japanese author, Yoru Sumino. I've been reading this novel for a week, but the heavy melancholic feeling from watching I Want to Eat Your Pancreas has yet to subside. I even finished the anime series Erased, which I like a lot, but I still feel lethargic and melancholic most days. I'm baffled: how can something so delicate as romantic anime can crush me so completely?

I have a hypothesis why I've been feeling blue lately. My taste in watching romantic anime and movies might satisfy my craving for close relationships. Due to the lack of it in real life, maybe I subconsciously substituted it by watching a simulation of romance through a computer screen. In a way, though, I sometimes think that fiction is better than reality. With all the dull bits cut out, and the important events highlighted and presented in proper sequence, I believe (well-written) fiction will always be more beautiful than reality. My idea of romantic relationships has become so idealized that I fear I can never live up to it in the real world. Maybe this is the core of my fear. Perhaps I am scared of saying goodbye to the idealized version of romantic relationships and sacrificing that for what's real. I really should start dating again soon.


Best regards,

Bright (and Melancholic) Penguin


Things to be grateful for today: (1) delicious dinner and lunch, consisting of Hainanese rice and Japanese bamboo shoots, (2) rigorous workout session before dinner, and (3) plenty of time to think and read today.

brightPenguin4569 OP January 11th, 2023

Dear Diary,

Breaking news! I received a job offer from my target company! Nearly 18 months of interview practice and networking paid off today. A senior employee who interviewed me in December called me today and informed me about the offer. I was initially feeling apprehension, due to him being late to the call by almost an hour. That was one of the longest one-hour periods in my life. Sitting in front of my laptop, earphones connected to my phone, I checked WhatsApp every five minutes but there was no call. When he finally called, the call only lasted two minutes, but I felt really happy afterward.

Apart from that, I also feel grateful for my gradual recovery from anime-induced melancholy. Contrary to my expectation, the recovery was expedited by doing something I hate: going to the office and talking to a few colleagues. Due to the absence of privacy there, I had to stop indulging my melancholy and create an appearance of productivity instead. I did so by forcing myself to work despite feeling distraught. Surprisingly, I was able to feel engaged in my work again and achieved a week's worth of work since yesterday.

I already felt better yesterday, but just to make sure I satisfied my melancholy to the fullest, I finished the I Want to Eat Your Pancreas light novel and watched the anime for the third time. To complete the treatment, I also watched the third episode of Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny Girl Senpai, but found it to be boring. I wonder why I liked the series so much in December. Perhaps, the lack of human contact (due to my family traveling abroad) made me crave human interaction. But now that there are people around me, I no longer have that craving.

Considering these events, perhaps I am forced to conclude that the thing one wants to do the least is often what he/she needs to do the most. I was lonely most of the time. This made me turn to anime and books which, to an extent, simulate human interaction. But what I need the most is human contact with family, friends, colleagues, and perhaps, one day, a girlfriend too. To be honest, sometimes loneliness feels good though. I feel that loneliness enhances my sensitivity to beauty. Being melancholic forced me to keep in touch with my emotion.

That's all for today. Contrary to my initial plan of reading Cloud Atlas next, I'm actually going to pick up Little Prince by Saint-Exupery now. The timing seems right for that book.


Best regards,

Bright (and Happy) Penguin


Things to be grateful for today: (1) receiving a job offer from the target company, (2) not feeling melancholic anymore, and (3) being able to accomplish a lot in the last two days.

brightPenguin4569 OP January 20th, 2023

Dear Diary


Last Friday, I talked to my supervisor about resigning; he was so shocked that he asked me to repeat what I said slowly. This conversation started the slow-moving process of my resignation from my current employer. I plan to take a break for 4-5 months before joining my new employer. Despite the slowness, at least things are moving. I'm going to talk to the director next Wednesday. Hopefully, he will not try to block my attempt to resign. I won't hesitate to burn bridges if necessary, but let's hope it won't get to that point.

Additionally, the office now implements a 100% work-from-office policy. This means I have to wake up at 5 and will reach home after sunset every weekday. I knew it was going to be unpleasant, especially given that the traffic in my city has gone back to normal. The IT department also instituted a firewall for all media-related websites; now I cannot drown the noise distraction around me with music any longer. Plenty of things to be upset about, but I'll admit that there is a silver lining to this. Increased proximity to my colleagues made me feel more connected again. The melancholy I talked to you about a few weeks back? It vanished into thin air. In its place, I now occasionally feel a sense of friendship, usually triggered by having lunch together with a few colleagues. It's a fleeting feeling though. After all, I'm going to resign pretty soon.

After a week of working at the office, I must say I miss working from my balcony. Today, I went home at lunchtime, with only a few of my colleagues noticing. I wouldn't care even if many noticed, but I am happy that I was spared the need to explain my early departure. At home, I finished the logistics of joining the new company: submitting documents for the background check, reading a few articles for onboarding, and so on. Due to the Chinese New Year, my office will also close on Monday. So this is a beginning of a relatively long weekend for me.

Aside from work, I also finished The Little Prince last week. I enjoyed reading it, but it seemed deceptively simple to me. Perhaps a lot of the underlying messages went over my head. Soon after, I picked up Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami. I found it difficult to put it down. Though I feel that there is too much sex-related stuff in some parts, I love the sense of intimacy that the book evokes whenever I read it.

I'm going to close this day by watching Josee, The Tiger, and The Fish (and possibly reading Norwegian Wood as well).


Best regards,

Bright Penguin


Things to be grateful for today: (1) Periphery's new singles Wildfire and Zagreus, (2) the long weekend, and (3) the ability to adapt to the 100% work-from-office arrangement relatively well