Diary of a Workaholic...

i hope u r doing well today.

Dear Diary,

Plenty of updates today! It's gonna be a two-in-one journal entry: one for yesterday and one for today. To keep it interesting, I'll go backward from today to yesterday.

The past two days have been rainy, which always makes my work hours more likable. Unfortunately, my data pipeline broke this morning. A mechanism that I used to distinguish between data containing numbers and letters stopped working. As a result, it failed to read customers' phone numbers and a few tables failed to load properly. I spent almost the entire morning fixing this pipeline, which violently reminds me of the less-than-ideal state of my job. I don't have the educational background to do this and had to learn much on the job. Without a knowledgeable supervisor to guide me, I was somewhat surprised that I could manage to hold things together for this long. One person instead of one team. A phenomenal thing that will, unluckily, go unnoticed by the management. This realization prompted me to spend the rest of today applying for even more jobs, hopefully paving my exit route from the exploitative relationship my employer has forced me into.

Another thing also motivated me to apply for even more jobs. My interview, supposedly scheduled for yesterday night, was canceled. The interviewer proposed to reschedule it for today. I accepted within 20 minutes of receiving her email, but she did not reply to me. I'm going to wait for a week, before following up with her. Interestingly, a firm I applied to two weeks ago got back to me. I am going to finish (yet another) online assessment this Saturday morning. Fingers crossed!

Yesterday was more unusual than today. I had to run an errand in the morning and, to avoid the forecasted rain, I took a taxi soon after I woke up. During the journey, I had a lively discussion with the taxi driver about supply chain. Halfway through the conversation, I realized something was off: he was much too knowledgeable about manufacturing to be a taxi driver. I planned a few indirect questions which might help me piece the puzzle together. The moment I asked the first question, he predicted my intention and gave an admission that he had been laid off about a year ago from a managerial job in a factory. I felt a strong desire to help him get back on his feet, but couldn't help since I am not in a position to hire/fire anyone. I took this as a reminder to be grateful for my current situation and to be compassionate to those in need.

In place of the canceled interview yesterday, I watched The Rehearsal. It was so intriguing that I ended up watching two episodes, completing the first season. It's a refreshing show; very unexpected, even from Nathan Fielder. I also had the chance to indulge myself in nostalgia about graduate school. At that time, my pre-sleep routine consisted of playing Skyrim and watching Massage Sloth video on YouTube. I did not play Skyrim yesterday, since I no longer have the energy to play games these days. But I watched the newly-released Massage Sloth video. I thought about my days as a graduate student. I love being able to do independent research and living alone. Perhaps this is a strong indicator that I should try living reclusively one day. Living reclusively, in an off-the-grid homestead, has always been something I would like to do. Now, this goal is tentatively committed to my bucket list.

Sincerely,

Bright Penguin

Things to be grateful for today: (1) The canceled job interview, a great opportunity to practice equanimity, (2) father recovering from his flu, (3) time to reflect and write this journal.

Dear Diary,

I felt surprisingly happy today. There has been a corporate event for the past two days. I joined several of my colleagues from different departments in a seminar. I found it particularly refreshing that no one on my team was nearby, so I had the chance to mingle with other people. It's true that I was initially resentful of the event.

On Sunday night, I felt terrible that I had to travel to a different location the next morning and sat next to people I knew nothing about. I also thought the event would be a waste of time, as my current priority was to get another job. In order to get another job, the best course of action is to keep applying for jobs and prepare for interviews -- yet I was forced to socialize with people I did not know (let alone care) about for two days! I admit I was perhaps too single-minded in the pursuit of my goal.

First of all, the event was a great opportunity to develop social skills, which will be necessary if I am to take dating seriously in the near future. Though I am distrustful of strangers and usually treat people with cold emotional detachment, I've warmed up a bit to the people sitting next to me during the event. Lunchtime provided plenty of time for me to get to know them and, perhaps, I started to care a little about their well-being. It is as if the human-shaped cardboard cut-outs suddenly become flesh and bones that have vivid dreams and fears. Of course, this should have been obvious from the start. I have to acknowledge that my workaholic lifestyle has had a pernicious impact on my social skill and well-being. I must stop being cold and calculating all the time, but I can't even begin to comprehend how I am going to fix this mindset. My love of solitude has again and again shown its dark side.

If I pass the recruiting process, I will have a new job that forces me to be more sociable. Perhaps accomplishing this one thing will enable me to achieve my professional and social goals simultaneously.


Best regards,

Bright (and Surprised) Penguin

Things to be grateful for: (1) time to socialize with strangers in a less formal setting, (2) watching Spirited Away last weekend, and (3) the chocolate-cheese-peanut stuffed pancake my mother bought for dinner.

@brightPenguin4569 I never really believed in telecommuting - as it's bad for the environment. Enough's enough doing this for our own selfishness only to create pandemic inducing environments that destroy everything anyway. Because of all this - I just retired (with very little money) and telecommute everywhere that I can't walk. I don't own a car - I'm just done.

There's more than one way to live. Even though society says we should work - we don't have to. There's other ways to get by - like just taking care of ourselves (which is what I mainly do). We also don't need money to live - contrary to society's beliefs. Saving money is just as great as making it - a penny saved is a penny earned.

Dear Diary,

I had a restful sleep yesterday. It was so restful that I probably slept with my neck twisted to one side for an entire night. This morning I woke up with a literal pain in the neck, which got worse throughout the day. I am surprised that the persistent pain in the back of my neck was able to decrease my mood to work today. Naturally, I worked from home this Friday. I still would work from home even if my neck wasn't painful, but at least I have an excuse.

I was going to update you about my interview on Monday but I was too tired these past few days. I seemed to have done well during the interview. There was a minor problem during the technical part; I was trying to approach the problem from a different perspective. However, I corrected this rather quickly and arrived at the correct answer. The interviewer told me that my long preparation was evident in the interview. She stated that she was impressed by the speed and the creativity I displayed in attacking the problem. Two days later, I received an email from HR, asking me to schedule a feedback call with them. I've scheduled this call for next Wednesday and expressed my wish to be informed about the interview outcome. Did I advance to the next step? So far, no reply. I guess I'll have to wait a few more days to know this.

Over the past 2 weeks, I have also applied for specialist positions at other companies. One of them sent me an aptitude test and a technical screening, to be finished before tomorrow. I did them both today. The technical screening would have been difficult if I haven't studied for my certification exam. Fortunately, I spent lots of time studying, thinking, and deriving the theories covered in the exam. All it took for me was a few hours of skimming the 500-pages textbook and I immediately felt prepared to solve the technical screening. It was an exhausting 2 hours, but now I can sleep soundly again (hopefully without the pain in the neck).

That's all for today. Off to play CIV 5 as Germany!

Things to be grateful for today: (1) Multiple great album releases from my favorite artists this month: The 1975, Lamb of God, and Tove Lo!, (2) Felt confident when answering the technical screening, (3) healthy vegetarian dinner just now.

Dear Diary,

I'm going to update you on my job interview. Three days ago, I finally received a feedback call from the HR personnel. She told me that the assessment from the interviewer was very positive and I advanced to the next round. I'm likely to have another interview next week or the week after. This is good news but also anxiety-inducing for me. I have to do well on four subsequent interviews to land the job.

It also made me notice that I've gotten too comfortable in my interview practice. I routinely have technical screening practice on areas that I've improved on but neglected another part entirely. I feel that I have to be mindful of this in the future. People say it is impossible to have comfort and growth simultaneously. But it's just so easy to unconsciously stop growing and feel comfortable. I have to periodically review my routines when it comes to interviewing. I took one small step this week to that end. I contacted an old friend who just landed a position in my dream job. I asked him to quiz me on my weaknesses and I finished this call just now. As a result, I now understood what I have to do next to ensure success in my interviews.

Next week is going to be action-packed. Monday: my best friend's last day at work. Tuesday: I was invited by management to meet people from companies I am interviewing with (hope no one will notice). Also Tuesday: I will receive the result of my certification test. I find myself being anxious whenever I think about the potential result of my test. Ideally, I will pass the exam. But what if that's not the case? This is the culmination of 5-6 years of preparation for the certificate and I hope it has a good ending next Tuesday.

I feel that my anxiety is starting to get out of control again. To be honest, most of the time I feel empty, but on important days, like next Tuesday, I feel anxiety and apprehension. It's true that I stopped meditating a while back. I found it difficult to maintain it for more than 2-3 weeks at a time. I perceive a push, an internal motivation, to begin meditating again but discovered that it was difficult to put this into practice. Funny how I can't seem to spend 10-15 minutes a day on my mental health. I want to really instill a sense of acceptance in my life. I think it's worth being a loser just to learn to love one's fate.

I've been listening to slowed+reverb edits of popular songs on YouTube. One of the songs I repeatedly came back to had an animation loop from an anime I did not recognize. For some reason, the animation communicated messages that resonated with what I often feel at night: loneliness, nostalgia, and trying to find beauty in the impermanence of things. In short, I loved it! I was able to deduce that the loop came from Cowboy Bebop. After reading the synopsis of the anime, I've decided to watch it. I'm going to do it now. Ciao!


Best regards,

Bright Penguin


Things to be grateful for today: (1) had a delicious dinner today, I took two servings of my regular portion, (2) the health and well-being of my parents and sister, and (3) time to reflect on my personal philosophy, despite relatively busy day practicing for the upcoming interviews.

Dear Diary,

I had a bit of fun today. I know it's Monday, but today has been rather atypical. I arrived late at the office today and, as a result, someone has already sat on my usual seat. Strangely, all the other seats in the office space were also taken, so I placed my backpack on a seat near the pantry. Even though the location was a bit awkward, I was able to position my laptop in such a way that no one can see my screen. That way, I was able to write some scripts for my upcoming interviews. I worked this way for an entire day.

At 9 am, my colleague arrived and sat at a seat next to me. As I said before, today is his last day working here. I am happy for him as the work culture has become more and more toxic over time. I sometimes wonder if I should have left a long time ago. But my colleague did not leave me a lot of time to wonder. He cracked some jokes and talked to me quite a bit. He said he wanted to have lunch at a ramen shop in a nearby shopping mall. I thought this can be a great farewell party for him, so I invited 6 other people to join us. At around noon, eight of us walked to the ramen shop just in time to be seated with enough space. On the way there, I tried looking for the Indian restaurant I often bought from. In place of the familiar orange-white-green decoration, I saw a closed shop front. My favorite restaurant was permanently closed.

I did not have much time to think about this as we soon arrived at the ramen shop. Unexpectedly, I had a lot of fun. I told a few jokes to the entire table. At times, I responded to my colleagues' statements with funny sarcastic comments. Many of these made my colleagues laugh. As some of my colleagues weren't very close to me, they were surprised that I could also be funny. In the office, I usually have a serious, unsmiling face that can't be perturbed. I felt happy hearing this statement. Perhaps I have better social skills than I thought. It's true that I also used to tell jokes and sarcasm when I was a dorm-living college student. But it was a long time ago and I thought my social skills have atrophied. Perhaps, it only took the right moment for me to spread my social butterfly's wings again.

Roughly one hour after the permitted lunch hour was over, we headed back to the office. I worked on my interview scripts again as I do not want to leave anything to chance. A few hours of working on this made me feel dizzy. I decided to take a break. I took a seat in the pantry that overlooks the city skyline. As I ate my chocolate-peanut stuffed pancake, I looked into the distance from the height of the 56th floor.

I saw many tall buildings, the blue sky, and occasional grey clouds; then I also saw the small cars, motorcycles, and pedestrians down below. I thought about my recent lunch experience and reflected on what I should learn. Though sometimes people irritate me, I feel that I can also feel happy with them. Despite many setbacks in my career, all of a sudden gratitude rushed through me. I recalled the sacrifices my family has made for me, the fun weekly visit to the cinema that we used to have when I was in high school, and all other experiences that are personally-and-uniquely mine. I feel grateful and happy with my life. I noticed that sometimes I focus too much on self-improvement that wherever I look I saw imperfections. I should be more generous with myself and the people around me. Life is not to be taken for granted and I have to learn to enjoy it before it passes by.

Before I went home, I took a selfie with my colleague whose last working day was coming to an end. In my car, on my way back home, I realized that I want to be with people. I just have to invest more time and effort in cultivating relationships.

Best regards,

Bright Penguin

Things to be grateful for today: (1) delicious spicy ramen and stuffed pancake, (2) rigorous workout about one hour ago, and (3) time to prepare for my upcoming interviews.

Dear Diary,

I wanted to keep the excitement until the end, but I can hardly contain it: I passed my certification exam! After 5 years plus of preparing for this certification, I finally managed to pass the most difficult and most time-consuming exam in the sequence of difficult and time-consuming exams. It was also the last exam, so now I can dedicate more time to studying other subjects. I read a few statistics about the exam result and realized that less than half of the test-takers passed this year's exam. If only I could reach out to them personally, I would tell them to not be discouraged by this temporary setback. Persistence can only be built in the face of failure -- and persistence is much more valuable than passing any single exam in the world.

Initially, I only wanted to update you on the exam but, since I'm already here, I'm going to tell you about my entire day. Bear with the bright penguin here. The climax of the story is behind us, but in the spirit of persistence, I'm going to continue writing.

I worked from the office pantry again today. Not because my seat was taken, but because I found the pantry more enjoyable than my cubicle. It felt freeing to not have my sight constrained by the cubicle walls. As the day went by, some of my colleagues (who had lunch with me yesterday) also moved to the pantry and worked there. One of them sat at the same table as I did, and the others circled around us. In silence, we worked on our individual tasks but occasionally water-cooler conversations (or should I say pantry-table conversations) would start. I bantered and exchanged a few jokes with them throughout the day. Work was less productive but more enjoyable this way.

At lunchtime, we picked up our office-provided food catering package and returned to the same seat in the pantry. Chewing vegetables and spicy fish, I also managed to listen to one of my colleagues talk about his dissatisfaction with the work. He has worked for four years and felt that his career has somewhat stagnated here. On the other hand, he felt apprehensive about moving to another company, due to the uncertain economic condition. I told him that I had been feeling that way for about a year. I also advised him to refuse to be driven by fear. It's true that some fear has a genuinely terrifying cause but, with some thought, I hope he will not be paralyzed by fear.

A few hours after lunchtime, I accompanied the company management to meet senior staff from the company I wanted to join. I had the sense that the senior staff recognized my name, but I was grateful that she did not mention it to anyone. After this meeting, I worked again. When I headed home, the traffic had become terrible. I arrived home after 90 minutes of being locked inside the cubicle-like constraints of my car. On the way home, I picked up my mother who had been shopping for winter wear in preparation for the December trip to Canada to visit my sister. Unfortunately, I will not be joining my father and mother on this trip. I have to sort out this job-switching business before my state of mind is ready for a vacation.

Then I received the news about my passing the certification exam. I decided to postpone leg day and indulge myself for tonight. I'm now going to take a night shower and probably watch Cowboy Bebop afterward. It's an interesting anime series. It seems that there is more than meets the eye.

Best regards,

Bright (and Grateful) Penguin

Things to be grateful for today: (1) passing the certification exam, (2) healthy and delicious lunch at the office, and (3) a renewed sense of camaraderie and friendship with colleagues.

Dear Diary,

I'm going to open up about my bad habit. Today I made an effort to break this habit and succeeded. I recently realized that I often made promises to myself and break them afterward. I made one such promise about a few weeks ago: if I reach the first-round interview with my target company, I am going to buy myself a treat for lunch. As I updated you two weeks ago, I made it to the first-round interview stage (though HR was quite slow in scheduling this interview). Strangely I forgot about the treat. So today I made things right and bought myself a treat: sushi bento of salmon nigiri and maki as well as avocado juice with chocolate syrup.

The sushi bento came from a convenience store next to my office building, which sold many delicious ready-to-eat foods but no dining table for the customers to sit at. So I returned to my building. But because I did not want my peace disturbed, I did not return to my workplace. Instead, I headed to a cafeteria in the basement. To legitimize my right for dining there, I bought avocado juice with chocolate syrup. I like avocado juice, but in this particular instance, I did not plan on buying it willingly. In the end, however, avocado juice turned out to be a perfect complement to a sushi bento. After the satisfying lunch, I sat in the cafeteria for a while, not wanting to end the great experience. But good things come to an end, so I eventually returned to the office. It's funny how I have a habit of taking away things I like from myself. I will have to get to the bottom of this bad habit, but for now, it's enough to acknowledge and call it by its proper name.

I also wanted to write you yesterday but I was too tired. I have to tell you about what happened during the weekend. A company I am interviewing with (really, yet another one???) sent me a problem statement on Friday night and I had to finish the entire technical screening in 48 hours. This meant all my time between Friday night and Sunday night would be allocated for this assignment. I managed to submit it 20 minutes after the deadline, but HR accepted it nonetheless. I suspect this kind of project would be done in 2-3 weeks in reality, but I felt happy I could do a miniature version of it in 2 days. On Sunday night, I felt really exhausted that I lost the ability to do simple math. During my practice interview, two hours after the submission of the assignment, I was given a series of math problems similar to the ones I will experience in a live technical screening. It's funny how I kept making mistakes when multiplying numbers. Fortunately, I regained this arithmetic skill this morning.

Oh, one last thing. I have to update you about a gecko lizard who has been living in my bathroom for the past 1-2 weeks. As a nocturnal animal, this gecko had plenty of opportunities to meet me during my excursions to the bathroom. In between sessions of playing CIV 5 and watching Cowboy Bebop, I would encounter this gecko in various places: on the floor in front of the bathroom, next to the trash can, or on the ceiling inside the bathroom. I have become accustomed to this gecko and, actually, I've grown to like it quite a bit. I've always liked staying awake past midnight and this gecko felt like a loyal companion in my nocturnal respite from mundane office life.

Last night, I did not stay up late since I exhausted my energy on the weekend assignment and interview practice, so I did not meet the gecko. Unfortunately, I woke up this morning to find this gecko lying still next to the bathroom door. It died during the night. For some reason, I felt a pang of sadness. I crouched next to the dead gecko and thought about the time I used to see it on some nights. I hope it has had a nice life and, though I don't believe in an afterlife, I hope heaven exists for this gecko. For an entire day, I reflected on the fragility of life and it made me grateful for what is not yet taken away from me.

Best regards,

Bright Penguin

Things to be grateful for today: (1) sushi bento and avocado juice, (2) EDM playlist that I listened to during work: The Chainsmokers' Sick Boy, Calvin Harris' 18 Months, and Deadmau5's While(1<2), and (3) life and everything that it has to offer.

Dear Diary,

"You're gonna carry that weight," so ends the Cowboy Bebop series. Two days ago, I finally watched the last two episodes of Cowboy Bebop and I was surprised by how melancholic I felt after finishing it. I did not expect the story, the characters, the mood, and the setting to linger with me. Yesterday, I tried curing this post-anime depression by watching the hidden episode ("Mish-Mash Blues") and the full-length movie ("Knockin' on Heaven's Door"). It only exacerbated my melancholy. I kept wishing to experience the camaraderie and friendships that the characters had in the series.

Perhaps this explained my recent tendency to be happier during the night than during the day. I now feel disconnected from my colleagues again and, as a result, I compensate by immersing myself in a fantasy world at night -- be it an anime series, a realism novel, or pretty much anything that simulates the feeling of belonging. I notice that it usually triggers a vicious cycle: I feel lonely, turn inwards, immerse myself in a fantasy world, feel more lonely, turn even more inwards, and so on. But it's difficult to stop. It seems that I prefer the abstract idea of belonging to the actual experience of it. Real life is messy and mundane, fantasy world is neat and dramatic.

Speaking of mundane, I am going to take Monday and Tuesday off. So I can stay a bit later tonight, but not too late. I will have two interviews for the next two days: one on Monday morning, and another one on Tuesday after lunch. Strangely, I was able to get the Tuesday interview after using a rather uncommon approach. After applying about a month ago and receiving no reply at all, I reached out directly to the LinkedIn account of the HR personnel. I managed to schedule a call with her and made a good impression throughout. Voila, in less than one week, I am invited for an interview. Sometimes I wonder what actually goes on in their HR department. What happened to the application I sent a month ago? Why was it ignored? Apparently, my profile was suitable for an interview but the application somehow fell through the cracks.

As I said, real life is messy. Now it's time for me to immerse in a fantasy world again, one of which is about to end. There is only one chapter remaining in the novel I'm reading, Midnight's Children. I hope I will be able to handle the double melancholy of Cowboy Bebop and Midnight's Children. But maybe, before that, I should try watching the live-action version of Cowboy Bebop. Perhaps it can cure my post-anime depression slightly.

Best regards,

Bright (and Melancholic) Penguin

Things to be grateful for today: (1) the opportunity to feel camaraderie through watching Cowboy Bebop, (2) time to relax today, and (3) the chance to interview for the next two days. Who knows what will come out of it? Either a new job or an opportunity to practice Amor Fati.