Diary of a Workaholic...

Dear Diary,

As I've written to you before, one of the companies I applied to wants me to finish an online test before Monday. I plan to do it tomorrow morning -- the first thing I will do on an otherwise idle Saturday. That way, I will have eaten the proverbial frog by lunch and things are only going to get better afterward (I hope).

I also told you about a mental breakdown I had a few days ago. Good things came out of it. For the past two days, I have been reading about quarter-life crises and ways to mitigate them. Many articles provide a good description and reading them had a strange effect of making me feel understood. All of a sudden, I no longer feel alone. Just as important, the reading led me to renew my interest in stoicism.

I've read multiple times about Amor Fati ("love of one's fate"), but this is the first time the idea clicked on me. The engineer part of me always believed that things that could be improved should be improved. If an undo button exists in real life, I would have used it many times to return to the past and fix my mistakes. But then, I read Nietzsche's concept of Eternal Recurrence. Eternal recurrence states that given a long enough time horizon, events are going to repeat. Happiness and sadness, love and heartbreak, achievement and disappointment are all essential components of existence without which life would have been less profound.

All of a sudden, I feel grateful for everything -- good and bad -- that happened in my life. What does not k*ll you does not necessarily make you stronger. Sometimes it leaves you crippled. However, it also trains you to be perceptive, which is an essential ingredient to a profound and wholesome life. I am grateful for all my misfortunes and the wisdom they taught me. As I take my online test tomorrow, I hope I will remember that success and failure are equally preferable. I also wish to live according to this idea from now on.

On a lighter note, due to repeated watching of Katy Perry's Wide Awake, YouTube started recommending Katy Perry's songs to me. I stumbled across her earlier album called One of the Boys, which is so refreshing to hear. It is musically distinct from Teenage Dream and her latter works. If I did not see the name on the album, I would have thought that it was an album by an indie pop-rock band. I like it so much that I am currently listening to it as I write you.

I'm off to watch a film, meditate, read Midnight's Children, and get a well-deserved sleep. As always, thanks for listening, Dear Diary. Wish me luck for tomorrow.


Sincerely,

Bright (and Grateful) Penguin

Things I am grateful for today: (1) the opportunity to reflect on Amor Fati and Eternal Recurrence, (2) Waking Up In Vegas and Mannequin by Katy Perry, and (3) the time to read a few chapters for my certification exam next week.

Dear Diary,

It is Sunday night right here. Despite having fewer interview practices this weekend, I feel rather tired. It may be because of the online test I took yesterday morning. The test was difficult and I think I made a silly mistake in one of the questions. However, I am also surprised by how calm I felt during the test. It seems that I already have a shallow (but hopefully definite) grasp on Amor Fati and Eternal Recurrence.

I also started meditating again on Friday night. I slept like a baby afterward despite knowing that I had to take an online test first thing the next day. However, the effect of the meditation has probably worn off by Saturday night. I was watching a biography when my internet connection decided to stop working. It occurred around 15 minutes before the film ended, so naturally, I threw a tantrum. I was so absorbed in watching the film that I lost my patience when the ending was cut short. I was so angry I did not meditate on Saturday. In retrospect, it is probably difficult to feel patient at that time. But with more practice, maybe I will be able to observe my thoughts (and emotions) more consistently.

Since yesterday, I've been interested in watching biographies. It is so inspiring to watch the journey of successful people. Understanding that they too struggled to get where they are makes it easier to love one's fate. Of course, a perfect Amor Fati is an unconditional love of one's fate -- loving it even when no happy ending is forthcoming.

Sincerely,

Bright Penguin

Things to be grateful for: (1) found so many great songs today, (2) a sweet dessert my mother bought for me this morning, and (3) the opportunity to practice stoicism and meditation.

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was my birthday and I worked from home. As a consequence, many people wished me happy birthday on WhatsApp. Today I went to the office and was quite surprised when I received two cakes (one from the HR department, one from my project team members). The timing of the surprise was a little bit inconvenient, but I appreciated them nonetheless. I was planning to work from home for tomorrow, but not everyone has received their fair share of the cake today. As a result, I will have to go to the office, slice the cakes, and share them with my colleagues. I must not forget to save one or two slices for my mother too.

I said the timing of the birthday surprise was inconvenient, because I also had a call with an employee from another firm that I want to get into. About half an hour before the call, my colleagues surprised me with the cake and I felt afraid I wouldn't be able to make it to the call on time. But magically, I made it on time -- and received a referral from him. I'll send my resume in a few weeks just to space out my interviews.

Oh, another good news, the firm that previously ignored me has just sent an online test a few days ago. I will take this test on Sunday. I also passed the online test that I took last week and received an invitation for the first-round interviews. Things seem to be going well now. But I must not forget my commitment to stoicism. I am grateful for the good things that happened today, but I must also be prepared if things do not turn out well.

I wanted to write you now so that I can remember today. Just last week, I remember experiencing mental breakdowns and could not focus at work. That unpleasant experience turned out to be a source of strength that I can rely on now. I've been meditating every day for almost a week now and I seem to possess more equanimity these days. Now it is up to me to maintain this habit for months, years, and hopefully the rest of my life.

Sincerely,

Bright Penguin

Things to be grateful for today: (1) dumplings for dinner, (2) a productive day at work, and (3) time to study for my certification exam, which will occur in about 33 hours.

Dear Diary,

It is as if a heavy burden was lifted from my shoulders. Yesterday morning, I completed my certification exam. It was a grueling 4 hours and 20 minutes exam but I felt I did relatively OK. The night before (Friday night), I did not have a good sleep. I was not sure why I could not sleep well that night, but perhaps my mind was occupied with something I have yet to understand.

I woke up on Saturday morning with a light headache and plenty of time to go to the testing center. I arrived at the testing center half an hour early and the staff allowed me to begin right away. By 1 pm, I finished my exam and my light headache had grown in weight. Fish sandwiches and French fries from a nearby McDonald's alleviated the headache slightly -- just enough for me to start my ride back home. I took the rest of Saturday to sleep, eat, and just be a generally-unproductive penguin. But I deserved that rest. Sometimes the time is worth wasting.

Fast forward to today (Sunday morning), I had another test related to my job application. Fortunately, it began at 10 am and I could take it from home. The test was actually quite fun. It resembled a strategy game I used to play before. I was able to accomplish the supposed objective of the game. Though it does not guarantee I will move forward to the next step of the recruiting process, I feel quite good today because of it. I hope I will get the job. Fingers crossed.

One of my favorite bands, the 1975, uploaded a new song to YouTube a few days ago. The song is called "I'm In Love With You" and it is such a fitting name. I've been listening to that song on repeat today. It even tempted me to pick up the guitar again. However, I settled for playing the readily-available air guitar whenever I hear the intro of the song. The video was also superb. It has an Easter-egg type of message, depicted as graffiti on the wall, which says "everyone is disappointing once you get to know them."

I can relate to that message. I get bored of people easily. But, for the past week, I feel that I remember how falling in love feels. Just to be clear, I did not fall in love with someone at all. It was a rather abstract emotion that I sometimes get at night. It was a great feeling and I feel that it motivated me to date again. It's been 8 years since I let anyone in, but perhaps it's time to change.

Oh, another thing, I have been meditating routinely now. I've also managed to introspect about stoicism during my meditation. Seems like those two things can be combined into one exercise. I strive to have unshakable equanimity. I hope that I will pass my certification exam and job test, but I also want to develop strength and persistence in the face of failure. Let's see what happens next.

Sincerely,

Bright Penguin

Things to be grateful for today: (1) seems to do well on the job test this morning, (2) finish 10 weeks of workout program today without skipping a single day, time to rest for the next 2 weeks, and (3) remembering how it feels to fall in love for the past one week, such a precious feeling.

Dear Diary,

The past 3 days have been cloudy and rainy where I live. As a result, the temperature got colder, and working on the balcony during the day became more enjoyable. The sleep at night also feels cooler and cozy. Alas, my dog kept going in and out of my room last night. She kept scratching at the door and, at some point, also barked incessantly to be let in/out of the room. I woke up today with a light headache, which gradually subsided throughout the morning.

I received an important email today. I will have two job interviews next Friday. I've prepared for this interview for months but somehow still feel that I could do more. I was trying to squeeze in some additional prep today, but my colleagues kept handing me more work to do. I couldn't finish them all today so I will continue working on those tasks on Monday. Hopefully, this weekend provides adequate time for me to prepare more for the interview.

As usual, the rainy season made me introspect. After work, I drank milk tea on the balcony while thinking about nothing in particular. I enjoyed it a lot. I wish I have more time to just think and do nothing. Soon after, I had an online seminar about building open-source projects, which was really insightful. Today has been really enjoyable, to say the least.

I've also noticed a slight change in myself since two weeks ago. I now think a lot more about romantic relationships. Throughout the day I read some articles about the MBTI personality types and potential matches for my personality type (Mine is INTJ and my potential matches are ENTP and ENFP). I began imagining an abstract person with an ENFP personality type and, funnily enough, I enjoyed this exercise more than I thought I would. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it's because I have more time these days due to having finished the certification exam and taking a break from weight-lifting. In any case, I take this as a hint that I should start dating again soon. But not before I sort out my career trajectory.

That's all for today. I'm going to watch Synecdoche, New York, and start my pre-sleep routine afterward. Thanks for listening, Dear Diary.

Sincerely,

Bright Penguin

Things to be grateful for today: (1) raining almost all day, I love rain, (2) started listening to heavy metal again, grateful for Blotted Science's Machinations of Dementia, and (3) realizing that I am still able to yearn for romantic love.

Dear Diary,

I would normally feel accomplished if I have utilized my day productively. But this is not the case today. It is true that I've used my morning to finish many tasks. I was able to stick to the Pomodoro technique quite well today. Breaking down tasks into smaller components and doing each in 30-minutes chunks is really one of the best productivity hacks. The problem is new tasks kept coming before I was able to finish the previous ones. I ended up working until 10 pm. I wish I could spend more time preparing for my upcoming interviews on Friday, but I could not.

Speaking of the upcoming interviews, they make me anxious. I've done a lot of preparations but, for some reason, I am still afraid that I won't do well in the interviews. As if that's not enough, I have to go to the office the day before the interview. I was asked to lecture about data science to new employees of the company. Unfortunately, this means I will have less time to rest for my interview the next day. When it rains, it does pour.

To mitigate my fear, I did a short Stoic exercise called fear-setting. I pulled an Excel file, then created 3 columns, named "What I Fear", "How to Mitigate", and "How to Avoid". It was a one-row table since I am now only afraid of not passing the interviews on Friday. However, I'm underwhelmed by the effect. It did not seem to relieve my anxiety at all. I will meditate after this. Hopefully, the meditation will relieve a little bit of the anxiety I've been feeling.

For some inexplicable reason, today I felt a strong desire to re-watch 500 Days of Summer. I remember watching Ruby Sparks last week, almost to the hour. It was an okay film, in my opinion. But it reintroduced me to a feeling I haven't felt for quite some time. Just to be clear here, 500 Days of Summer has been my comfort movie since college but, at the same time, I feel the need to watch it again today. However, because of my 14-hour shift at work today, I also do not have the time to watch it now. I need to start my pre-sleep routine now, otherwise, I won't wake up on time tomorrow.

That's my cue. Bright Penguin, signing off.

Sincerely,

Bright (, Lonely, and Exhausted) Penguin

Things to be grateful for today: (1) fantastic vegetarian meals for lunch and dinner, (2) time to watch the sunset for half an hour today, and (3) my family, I love them so much.

Dear Diary,

It has been an eventful week so far and it's not even over yet. In fact, there is a good chance that tomorrow is going to be the most eventful day of this week. Why? My job interviews, of course. I feel prepared intellectually, but also mentally. No matter what happens tomorrow, I will be happy. If I succeed, I will be one step closer to my career goal. Otherwise, it's an opportunity to cultivate the Stoic inner peace I've always wanted to have. But let's set the interview business aside for now. I want to talk to you about what happened today and yesterday.

Yesterday, I had a mock interview practice with an old friend. He's worked at the same company that's going to interview me tomorrow. I was a little dissatisfied with how I performed during the practice, but he said I will be fine. I do hope so. Just before writing this journal, I revisited the interview questions he gave me and how I should have answered them -- with the benefit of one full day of thinking instead of 2 minutes. Strangely, I did not revisit it because of anxiety, but more because of curiosity. I plan to approach tomorrow's interviews with curiosity also, not anxiety.

Fast forward to today, I woke up pretty early despite the lack of sleep the night before. As I told you, I went to an office of my employer's sister company. I co-led a data science training for half a day. The other co-lead of the session is my former supervisor. During breaks, we had a heartfelt conversation about careers and family. I volunteered the fact that I will have two interviews tomorrow. As a response, he gave me advice on how to tackle them and wished me the best. We also talked about his 20-months old baby, my sister, and his new position at the sister company. He expressed his frustration with the general unwillingness of his superiors to change how things have always been done.

The status quo is the antithesis of progress and, as a chief digital officer, he seems to be fighting this status quo by himself. I indirectly stated that he should find a new employer; you can't fit a square peg into a round hole. He replied wisely, with a story, that as a parent, he must prioritize his child before his own career. I was floored by this answer. I think he deserves so much better career-wise, but at the same time, I admire his dedication to the people who depend on him. Good times passed by quickly and the data science training was over. I walked with my former supervisor to the lobby and said goodbye to him. If things go according to plan, I will have a new job before the next data science workshop. If that's the case, today was quite possibly the last time I meet him. But if it's up to me, I won't let that happen. I hope, one day, I can repay his kindness.

I returned home and spent the rest of the day working on my balcony. There was also a new staff on my team. It is unfortunate that I was unable to meet her on her first day. But I asked for a colleague's help to onboard her for today. I also WhatsApp'd her a series of free courses on Kaggle, to refresh her skill in programming. Tomorrow I will onboard her more properly. I've planned the content of the onboarding for half an hour today, but it seems to be good enough. After lunch, I will assign her to continue the online tutorials so that I can take my interviews without distraction. I will definitely silence my phone and ignore any messages from my colleagues. I have to prioritize the interviews.

At this point, I want to make sure I feel rested for tomorrow. I'm just going to relax now: maybe by listening to music, watching some short films, or reading a novel. In any case, I am proud that I've been meditating every day for 18 consecutive days. Hopefully, it becomes a lifelong habit.

Sincerely,

Bright (and Hopeful) Penguin

Things to be grateful for today: (1) genuine conversation with my former supervisor, (2) delicious Chinese Lamian for dinner, and (3) time to relax today.

Dear Diary,

I'm feeling pretty exhausted today -- but I feel happy too! I had a good sleep yesterday night and woke up a bit later than usual this morning. I skipped breakfast again and went directly to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Returning to my room, I checked my phone and concluded there were signs that I had to do some rapid firefighting. Besides the planned onboarding call for the new employee, my WhatsApp was bombarded with various requests that seemed urgent. Before the scheduled onboarding, I replied to those messages. Except for one request, the messages managed to calm down my colleagues. I then scheduled another call to resolve that one remaining request. Magically, things calm down at around 11 am. But the most important part of my day has not yet begun.

My mother walked my dog this morning and returned just before lunch. We managed to eat lunch together, but my mind kept coming back to the upcoming interviews. I kept doubting my preparation for the interviews and worried that my colleagues might WhatsApp or call me during the interviews. Fortunately, my colleagues were really quiet after lunch. No request and no call whatsoever. I was able to take both 1-hour interviews back-to-back without any distraction.

Here come the interviews! My first interviewer was really friendly. After a brief small talk, we went straight to the technical test. I was supposed to solve the problem in 30 minutes, but halfway through, I noticed some complications I did not realize previously. I ended up having to revisit some of my assumptions and was able to finish it in 41 minutes. Afterward, my interviewer asked me standard questions about my resume, career, and education. We closed the call with a Q&A session, which I utilized to find out about their corporate culture and career advice for 20-somethings like myself. I hope the interviewer will not penalize me for spending more time on the technical screening. Once the first interview was over, I had 30 minutes break. I went to the restroom, then went back to my room to listen to a few songs. Then I began the second interview.

My second interviewer was also very friendly, but he was rather quiet. For the technical part, I received a simpler case than in the first interview. What made it challenging was the interviewer left me to my own devices. He did very minimal guidance in how I tackled the problem. Fortunately, I was able to solve it in less than 30 minutes, though there were a few miscalculations in my approach. Overall, I thought it went relatively well. In the grand scheme of things, the few miscalculations I did probably did not matter much for the end result. It worried me a little bit for a few hours after the interview, but I am no longer concerned about it now.

For a few hours after the second interview finished, I felt a dopamine rush quite like what I usually feel after solving difficult coding tasks. At the same time, I felt exhausted too. I wanted to say many things to my mother during dinner, but I could not because I did not have the energy. So here I am, writing a journal for you. I hope I will pass the first-round interviews. But, if I don't, at the very least I tried. More importantly, it will train me to think like Marcus Aurelius.

I will take the well-deserved rest now. I still remember I wanted to watch 500 Days of Summer, but I don't think I have the energy to do that tonight. I will probably watch some music videos on YouTube instead.

Sincerely,

Bright (and Exhausted) Penguin

Things to be grateful for today: (1) interviews that went (relatively) well, (2) lunch and dinner with my mother, and (3) time to rest.

Dear Diary,

It's past midnight here and, to be honest, I am feeling pretty tired. Definitely too tired to write a long story. But today has been full of surprises, so I need to record what happened and how I felt. To my future self, let today be a Stoic reminder that how you respond to failure matters much more than whether or not you can avoid failure.

Unlike yesterday morning, today morning has been rather mundane and typical. Yesterday morning, I woke up with a terrible stomach ache, which disabled me from doing anything productive for half a day. Food poisoning, I think. But as yesterday came to a close, the deep pain in my upper abdomen gradually subsided. By today morning, the pain has disappeared but something else came up one hour before lunchtime. I heard back from the company that interviewed me last Friday. It was a rejection.

I immediately closed my laptop, took my headphone, and lay down on my bed. I closed my eyes and listened to 5-6 songs at high volume. As I processed the hard truth, I realized I was not as sad as I expected. In fact, I was more intrigued than sad. I wanted to know why I got rejected and how I could improve. I focused my mind on the music and I think I was able to reach a state called Non-Sleep Deep Rest (NSDR). Thirty minutes after, I got back up and tried to assess my emotion. Yes, there was sadness (and it's still here now), but it's something I can handle. What a valuable lesson, a first-hand experience of Amor Fati. I am strangely sad and grateful at the same time.

At lunchtime, I received another email from another firm who has been ignoring me for 2 weeks. They invited me to the first-round interviews. Funny how one failure and one (small) success can come within one hour of each other. I haven't responded to this message yet, because I don't know how I should respond. I felt excited, but I also felt anxious. What are the chances that I failed my technical interview a week ago but will succeed in a similar interview soon? I don't know. I need time to think about this. I will likely respond tomorrow.

I also thought about the interviewers who rejected me. I sent one of them a nice message inquiring about feedback so that I can do better in the future. He replied in a few hours, suggesting that we talk about it over a call. So I scheduled this call for next Monday morning. Curious what he has to say about my performance last week.

Finally, I remember telling you about the quarter-life crisis a few weeks ago. Though I implied it has been solved in a few days, I must admit it still lurked in the back of my mind. I realized the crux of this crisis is caused by the lack of romantic relationships in my life right now. I've been watching interviews of a female musician who has an ESFP personality nearly every day for a few weeks. This past week, I realized why I did this. This public figure reminded me of a past crush in college. She's an ESFP -- one letter away from what I suppose to be my ideal match ENFP.

We were close in college and we even dated a few times. But she did not want to take it further. We remained close friends: we sat next to each other in classrooms and the library, had lunch and dinner together, talked on the phone frequently, and were many times mistaken to be a couple. But even friends drift apart. When I graduated and had to move to the East Coast for graduate school, we had a lengthy phone call which was also the last phone call I ever had with her. Now, with me back in my home country, we are on opposite sides of the Earth: she is in sunny and dry Southern California, while I'm somewhere in rainy and humid parts of Asia.

I was reading a lot of stories in online forums about INTJ male and ESFP female relationships. I think I found myself somewhat consoled by these stories. Luckily, for some inexplicable reason, this crisis also resolved itself in the last few days. I am still not dating anyone, but now I feel less urgency to date. For sure, this is something I have to do in the near future, but not now.

That's it for today, Dear Diary. Today has been a roller coaster: scary but enjoyable. I need to remember not to take everything so seriously. I'm only here to enjoy the ride. Need to keep this in mind.


Sincerely,

Bright Penguin


Things to be grateful for today: (1) found a good older album of Bring Me The Horizon called There is A Hell etc, (2) a great workout this early evening, and (3) the chance to practice Amor Fati in real life.

Dear Diary,

Sunday, 9.24 pm, Bright Penguin checking in! I should have written a journal entry last Saturday (8 days ago) but was too tired to do it. Let it be simply said that my father, mother, and I went to lunch that day. It was special to me because we haven't been eating out together since the coronavirus pandemic started in early 2020. Oh and I also paid for the lunch with my own salary. It felt so good to be able to repay (a little bit of) what my parents did for me. Enough with nostalgia, let's update you on what happened this week.

So my mother has been going to church again recently. On a few of those occasions, I accompanied her and today is one of those days. (We've always been a churchgoer family, even though the pandemic made us stop going to church for fear of getting infected.) We walked from our home to the church and sat through the morning service. As a closeted agnostic, I no longer have faith in Christianity (or any other religion), but I still appreciate spending some quality time with my mother. Half an hour before the morning service was finished, it started raining. It became evident later on that this rain was quite severe as some parts of the road in front of the church became flooded.

Fortunately, my mother and I managed to walk to a nearby convenience store for shelter before the flood. I tried ordering a taxi to take us home -- without success. The weakness of ride-hailing app is that it depends on the drivers' willingness to ride as well. Obviously, fewer people are willing to drive in the rain. As I continued to wait for the ride-hailing app to find a taxi, I requested my mother to phone a taxi company. There was probably some misunderstanding, but my mother ended up not ordering any taxi despite having reached the taxi operator. I was so baffled and frustrated with the situation, I snapped at my mother. I brusquely asked for the phone number and called it myself. I think I saw sadness in her eyes. Before the taxi arrived, I canceled it again because an acquaintance of ours met us in the store and agreed to take us home. Arriving home, wet and sleep-deprived, I returned to my room and slept until lunchtime.

Upon deeper reflection, I shouldn't have snapped at my mother like that. For an entire day, I feel regret for losing my patience. Perhaps I did not communicate well with my mother, contributing to her misunderstanding my plan to return home. In any case, I should have been more patient with her. I admit I've been skipping a few days of meditation recently. Perhaps this is a reminder to be more consistent with meditation -- and to bring a more mindful attitude to daily life as well.

Speaking of mindfulness, I also had an interview practice with a friend. I gave him a technical interview drill for 40 minutes and he was supposed to drill me in return. Instead, he repaid me with something more valuable. We ended up talking about careers, life, and family. He was more senior than me and, in a way, far more experienced than I am in the industry that I'm trying to break into. He talked about how there are always trade-offs in life. Successful careers often require sacrifices in physical health or family relationships. In a matter-of-fact tone, he explained to me that in the firm he's working at, many of the highly-successful people are unmarried or had early heart attacks. As a compromise, he stated to me that I should do what feels natural. If working endlessly does not make me happy, then I should introspect and pursue the "missing pieces" in my life. He said being happy with the present, instead of anxious about the future, will help me live a happier life. I agree with this. After all, the journey sometimes matters more than the end. But then again, I don't learn well from advice. I need to see what I'm made of. Working 12-16 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year indeed sounds like hard work and is common in the industry I'm trying to break into. But perhaps I can do it and find fulfillment in it?

I'm going to have my interview next Wednesday. Wish me luck, Dear Diary,

Sincerely,

Bright Penguin

Things to be grateful for today: (1) spending quality time with mother this morning, (2) Alfredo pizza for lunch today, (3) 1 hour and 30 minutes of sleep before lunchtime, (4) wise advice from mock interview partner, and (5) not feeling depressed about ESFPs and my ex-crush anymore. Here's to moving on from the past and being open to new experiences! 🍻