Diary of a Workaholic...

Dear diary,

I'm back... after 8 long days of not writing you. There is not much to update, to be honest. Only very slight changes happen since last week.

This week I've been working from home. Yesterday and the day before, there was an important event in the office, to which I was invited. But I did not feel like coming, so I stayed at home. I hope nobody notices my absence. In any case, I've been working on a new task since Monday which I found exciting. I was supposed to program in a programming language I've never heard of, in order to create a new button in a CRM app my team uses. So far it's been challenging, but rewarding at the same time.

The good side of working from home is that I can spend lots of time preparing for my certification exam also. I've spent close to 2 hours studying today. Unfortunately, there is rumor in the office that we are going to switch to 75% work from office arrangement. I'll have to be cautious when studying in the office, otherwise people are going to be suspicious about what I am planning to do all along. On the other hand, I will also have less time for workout if there is indeed this new arrangement. To prepare for it, I've been trying to wake up 30-45 mins earlier every day for the past 1 week to do HIIT jump rope -- and failed miserably every day 😂.

A few days ago I found out that one of my favorite bands has released a new album years ago. While this is a good news, I also found out that it was their last album after they broke up. Wishing them the best going forward. So these past 2 days I listen to their album, called ZILLA by Fenech-Soler. I've also listened a little bit more to Cannons, whose songs are very relaxing. Oh one more thing, I've been picking up Rubik's cube again. I am training myself to do blindsolving, which I'm still very far away from achieving.

In terms of my prep for the job interview in July-August, I got a new practice partner. So now I have 3, slightly too many since I can only comfortably pack one practice session a day. For now, I'll have to be OK with two practices on Saturday, and one more on Sunday. One of them works for a game company that my college best friend wants to get in. So introduced them to each other. Hopefully something good will come out of it.

That's all from me, dear diary. Off to reading The Snow Leopard and watching How to be a Tyrant on Netflix! Bright Penguin, signing off.

Best regards,

Bright Penguin

Things to be grateful today: (1) great dinner since it's my father's birthday, (2) focused study session for my certification exam, and (3) challenging and stimulating new task at work.

Dear diary,

I haven't been feeling good today. Somehow today felt unproductive. I had many meetings throughout the day that prevented me from studying for the exam. At the same time, I felt so exhausted that I procrastinated this past 1 hour; I was supposed to prepare for my interview, instead I listened to music on YouTube. On a more optimistic note, at least I now know that my favorite bands Muna and TOPS are going to release new albums.

Why does procrastination feel so good at the time, but feels so bad afterwards? I felt that I deserved to rest after a day of working hard, but then I actually felt guilty for taking so much time (more time than planned) to rest. I remember the technique of mindfulness to remind oneself the bitter aftertaste of procrastination, but I just could not seem to apply it. I hope next time I can better control my impulse. So, yeah, today I did not do any exam or interview prep. I hope tomorrow will make up for today's lack of prep. I will have to go to the office tomorrow, which is not fun at all.

Before my workout today, I had some time sitting on the balcony when it started to drizzle. The sky was grey, except towards the west where it gradually becomes blurred orange. I listened to the sound of the raindrops hitting the roof and somehow it reminded me of Baltimore. When I rented my professor's house, I also liked to sit on the balcony, watching the skyline of Baltimore and the Inner Harbor. This nostalgia made me pensive for the rest of the night. During the workout, I took the rest time to read about Universe 25 experiment and Schizoid Personality Disorder (SPD). Is it possible that I have SPD? Some of the descriptions seem to fit me pretty well.

Why is it so difficult to make a great friendship/relationship? Am I not cut out for it? Did I isolate myself too much to the point that I did not meet those I would have been happy with? Sounds sad to think about it, but maybe there is truth to that. Looking back at my days in the university, it looks like a place filled of hope and genuine connection -- but I was so stressed out to secure my permanent stay in the US. In the end, I was not able to stay and I do not have that many friends I still keep in contact with. Could I have done more to create a satisfying social life? I'm pretty sure, the answer is yes.

I feel that I don't belong where I am now and spending time to develop relationship here is not worth it. I won't connect with them anyway. I better use my time to get away from here, to a place far far away.

Best regards,

Bright (and Sad) Penguin

Things to be grateful about: (1) sitting on the balcony during the rain, triggering a happy memory, (2) MUNA's Anything but Me and TOPS' Waiting, can't wait for them to release the albums, and (3) my family.

Dear diary,

Here I am writing to you again after almost two months. I'm sorry that I only wrote to you when I'm sad. It seems that the idea of a gratitude journal is more appealing than it is practical. I can tell you about what happened in the past one month or so, but it's rather boring -- just plain old studying for my exam (which I will take in about 90 days) and prepping for job applications. Instead, let's talk about why I came back here again after so long.

Today my father and mother argued at dinner again. Mother was talking about how she wanted to go to Canada to meet my sister and maybe take a vacation there with all four of us. It's a reasonable wish since it's been quite some time since we all vacationed together. Seemingly out of the blue, my father accused my mother of lacking empathy, then he told us all about how work was stressful and that going to Canada was not cheap. All of those things are likely true, but I was immediately put off by the accusation. The entire 30 minutes or so of dinner became a pity party for my father.

It's funny how a couple can be married for 25-plus years, but still not able to look eye to eye. For my part, I also wish that the vacation to Canada can be postponed to December. I don't feel like taking a vacation when my exam and job interviews are impending, but I would never accuse my mother of lacking empathy. This is why people have conversations: to exchange ideas and understand each other better. Without conversation and before it, there are likely plenty of misunderstandings. My father seems to expect everyone to read his mind and gets upset when this psychic ability turns out to be absent in the people around him.

To be honest, occurrences like this one made me feel pessimistic about love. The other day I read that most people need not worry about finding someone they love for marriage; they'll end up marrying for fear of dying alone anyway. In some sense, I think this is true for most marriages. However, I continue to have this unrealistic wish to not marry until I find the right one. Deep down I'm afraid that one day I will succumb to the pressure of marrying for the sake of not dying alone.

I came to think of the stoicism work I read. I should not complain if I cannot change it. Indeed, I cannot change my father, but I can learn to dissociate and disengage from his behaviors that I dislike.

Dear diary, I have no one to talk to about important issues, except you. I still feel deep loneliness inside but writing you has been therapeutic. I'm grateful for that.

Best regards,

Bright (and Confused) Penguin

Things to be grateful for today: (1) tomorrow is a holiday, (2) spicy salmon onigiri I ate early this evening, and (3) successfully completing my daily dose of study for the exam prep today.

Dear diary,

The time is now half an hour past midnight and I've just finished studying. Don't worry, I'm not going to complain about my day today. Aside from a few things, today was quite great.

Let's start with the bad news, I sent two other messages to new people in the company I am targeting. But just like last week, I received no reply. I am going to try again next week. Hopefully, I'll be able to get another referral for the job I am searching for. Enough of this, let's get to the good part.

I arrived in the office this morning pretty early. At 7.30, when I put down my backpack on my chair, there was an announcement of a lockdown. They told everyone to vacate the place in 2 hours because the elevator will be locked. Apparently, someone in the next office got COVID. So I sent a few emails and headed down to the food court. I did not return home since today was also the last day of my colleague at work.

So I worked at the food court until around 9 when my colleague arrived to meet me there. We talked quite a bit, then I began working again. He did some stuff with the computer, making sure it was ready to be handed over back to the IT department. At around lunchtime, we took the train to a shopping mall where we planned to meet another past colleague of ours, who now already work in a much better company than my current employer.

We met her at the noodle shop, waited in a long line, and finally ate while we reminisced about the past. The conversation naturally steered towards talking about my potential future as well. I was the only one who has not resigned from my current employer. The work environment had become progressively more toxic over time, but I have not yet secured another employment at my target company. I will admit that I may be overly ambitious, but that's OK. Ambitious goals excite me and push me to spend an ungodly amount of hours working every day.

Afterward, we walked to a nearby cafe where we talked for two additional hours. This time we talked more freely, no longer hindered by the noodle that has to be chewed inside our mouths. No new information was offered, but somehow I also felt freer in sharing my feeling with them. After all, both of them no longer work for the same supervisor as I do, and, thus, no incentive to sell my secret for career advancement. After a long time of hiding my dissatisfaction with work, I finally could talk to people who were in the same boat. The moment was fleeting, however. After a ride for one colleague arrived, we bid her farewell and we took the train back to the office building. Then we parted in front of the train station, him heading back to the office to take his motorcycle while I went to yet another shopping mall to buy dinner for my parents.

As I sat down in that restaurant, waiting for my takeaway order to be completed, I thought long and hard about my career. I was surrounded by supportive people but was too blinded by suspicion to realize it. Suspicion is a terrible disease, separated from recklessness only by a thin line of healthy trust which I do not have. But perhaps I should try straying too far on the side of recklessness. I spent the rest of the day in a pensive mood.

The dinner was pretty good, my parents said they enjoyed it. Soon after dinner, I reviewed some exam questions for my certification exam and studied a little bit for my job search. I was so focused on doing this that when I looked at the clock it is already half an hour past midnight. That was the time I started writing to you. I want to remember what I felt today.

Thank you for listening, dear diary.

Best regards,

Bright (and Contented) Penguin

Things to be grateful for today: (1) fantastic lunch with old friends and fantastic dinner with my parents, (2) MUNA's self-titled album was released today, Runner's High is a great track, and (3) time to think about things.

Dear diary,

I should have written to you last week but I forgot. For some reason, last Thursday I felt really tired and did not have the energy to write. In between, work piled up and I forgot that I wanted to write. But here I am now.

Last week, I went to the office even though it wasn't my schedule to work from the office. I still went because there was a vitamin shot as well as an offline meeting with some IT vendors I was working with. The vitamin shot was not much different from usual, but it made me notice some interesting things this time. One of the supervisor-level employees for the same project kept complaining about the injection to the doctor. After some time, she actually refused the vitamin shot. I felt bad for the doctor. I felt that my colleague was a bit too harsh to the doctor.

After the vitamin shot, I went down from the office floor to the lobby. Unfortunately, I met my bosses in the elevator and, needless to say, they questioned where I'm going. To avoid any complications, I just said I was going home. Then I walked to the train station and arrived rather quickly at the meeting location. There was great food and some people to talk to. I suspect most people there were introverted since they did not talk much if I did not ask questions to them. But I did ask questions. A lot. It felt awkward but it's a nice change. Following lunch, we had a short seminar about the software. Long story short, it was over and I went back to the office via train.

On the train, I was feeling in touch with my emotion. I imagined that I no longer live with my parents and the train ride was just another daily commute. I enjoyed imagining it since I am pining for independence these days, but I also thought about the things that I would miss: the daily dinner with my parents, my cozy room, and my Maltese dog, and I suddenly felt unsure about moving out. Of course, I am still going to move out eventually. It's an important stage in growing up, but it's so great that I still have the capability of realizing the things I will miss. I am sure I will miss those things and maybe more. I just hope it's not too late to appreciate it now.

As for today, nothing special. Studied all day for my certification in the office. Nobody noticed that I wasn't working at all. 😂

Best regards,

Bright (and Nostalgic) Penguin

Things to be grateful for today: (1) delicious cake and milk after lunch, (2) productive studying during the day, (3) arrived home early and had time to work out before dinner, and (4) an interesting job opening on LinkedIn.

Dear diary,

Today was rough. The day of my Zoom call with my potential future boss finally came. I woke up rather early and had this call at 8 am. I prepared a script of what to say and thought about how to respond to different replies that he may have had. Of course, the call didn't go as planned. He asked a detailed question about my past experience and achievements and I couldn't answer well. I did not expect interview questions at this network call. He kind of pushed me to answer it and I think my answer did not impress him. At that point, he turned off his desk light and he only appeared as a silhouette on my computer screen.

The next 15 minutes were a bit awkward. I had a list of questions that were pretty good, in my opinion. I asked them one by one, sometimes interjecting with follow-up questions in between every time he gave an intriguing reply. I thought I handled the Q&A session quite well, but my answer to his question about achievement probably set me up for failure. He answered shortly and it seemed as if he was only doing it out of politeness. Obviously, he did not refer me to HR. It ruined my whole day.

I could not work during the entire morning. They just gave me another ad-hoc job yesterday after office, but fortunately, I was able to finish it today pretty soon. But afterward, my emotion dragged me down. I didn't have the energy to do anything productive so I watched YouTube. The timing was right since I've just discovered that VSauce has made his Mind Field documentary free. So I watched two episodes before lunch. Nothing special happened after lunch, to be honest.

Gradually my bad mood subsided, but there is still the bitter aftertaste even now. It's obvious that being rejected does not feel good, but I wish I have more Stoic resilience to this kind of setback. Well, I guess this is time to practice what I've been trying to learn.


Best regards,

Bright (and Disappointed) Penguin


Things to be grateful for: (1) delicious spaghetti and salmon for dinner, (2) Vsauce Mind Field series, (3) I get to work from home and spend some time with my parents and my dog.

Dear diary,

I have an important update for you. Yesterday (Sunday that is), I had a mock interview with a senior employee of the company I want to work at. This is not the real interview yet, since I haven't sent in my application (more on this later). She gave me a brainteaser that seems easy at first but turns out to be difficult later on. My estimate ends up depending on the population size of my hometown and the spending habit on car gasoline. Needless to say, I don't have these two numbers memorized and my solution to the brainteaser was spectacularly wrong. I asked her to rate me from 0 to 10, where 0 is really bad and 10 is really good. She was being merciful and said, "below 5". Below 5 could mean anything from 0 to 4, but perhaps she meant some number closer to 0.

Naturally, I felt some apprehension about even applying for the job. I felt under-prepared and worse, ignorant about my own weaknesses. This is why I haven't sent my job application. It's true that I received a green light on July 26. I could basically send my application and there's a good chance I will receive a chance at an interview. But once I do that, there's no turning back. The clock will start ticking and I have to be ready for some difficult interview questions.

After some reflection, I decided that I will apply anyway. I planned to apply for the job today but felt too scared to do it. I will do it tomorrow. I promise. I guess a hard no will be better than to be left hanging like this forever. A no is permission for me to move on and find other things -- and perhaps to try again in the future once I feel more prepared.

Today was pretty good, I was able to spend the entire morning practicing for my certification exam. The exam is in early September. Within 30 days, I will have to be ready for the exam. I somehow feel confident about this, but as I found out the hard way confidence is not a good indicator of performance sometimes. At least I try.

I feel happy today. Not the kind of happiness that occurs when there is something special, but the kind of happiness you have when you've had a calm day. I worked from home and spent a bit of time talking to my mother. I also chatted up with an old friend from Japan who recently got a job in Germany. We were going to schedule a call soon to catch up. It's funny how two people from different countries met in the US 9 years ago and were still able to keep up friendships. I honestly felt happy about this catch-up. It's a way for me to reconnect with my life in college -- a reminder of my idealism of youth, which is nowadays under assault nearly every single day. It's easy to give up on my dream due to the mundanity and boredom of adult life, but I won't.

Oh, by the way, I just finished Seven Years in Tibet recently. Such a good book. I'm going to watch the film this weekend. That's all I have for you today. Off to reading Charlotte's Web.

Best regards,

Bright (and Contented) Penguin

Things to be grateful for: (1) a productive day: great workout, great exam prep this morning, (2) a great cup of hazelnut coffee I drank while watching the sunset, (3) VSauce Mind Field documentary about the wonders of neuroscience, and of course, (4) my family and my dog.

Dear diary,

I had a pretty fun Saturday today. I did not do any prep for interviews or my coming exam. Instead, I went to a wedding with my mother. My father didn't go because he was out of town. He returned home early this evening, but that made it impossible to attend the wedding this morning. Anyway, it was a wedding of a family friend. She went to Europe and fell in love with a guy there. As my mother and I waited to greet the happy couple at their seats, I watched a slideshow of pictures from their travels. I've seen their selfies at Stonehenge, several French-looking castles, sidewalks with New York-style scaffolding, and many other places in my home country. Seems like a great couple. I wish them a happy life.

We did not eat during the wedding, however. Besides the usual caution related to coronavirus, we did not find the food to be particularly appetizing. So we went to a shopping mall and ate there. It was an old shopping mall. My parents, my sister, and I used to go there quite a lot when it was still a popular shopping mall. One day, road construction occurred in front of it, and the finished road made it so inconvenient to enter the shopping mall if one traveled there by car. Since that day, the shopping mall became less and less crowded, and soon the coronavirus lock-down delivered the final nail in the coffin.

Arriving at the mall, my mother and I went to a Japanese restaurant that used to be a family favorite. There was only one waitress serving four tables of customers (including us). Obviously, we weren't surprised that the service was slow. We were surprised however when the delicious food we expected turn out to be bland. We ate the food rather quickly and concluded that the restaurant has seen better days. I offered to buy dessert for my mother, but she said we should probably buy the dessert somewhere else. We walked around the shopping mall and, with each step, it became more obvious how abandoned it has become. There are more closed shops than there are open ones! We decided to enter a fast-food chain and ate ice cream waffle there. When that finished, we quickly departed from the mall. It was so eerie to see something one used to cherish deteriorates into such a sorry state.

My father arrived home this early evening and he brought popular food from the cities he visited. There was bread filled with a type of fish which was really delicious. We had a pretty lively dinner where we talked about the wedding this morning as well as all the food my father brought home. We also talked about my Maltese dog who was shaved a few days ago. Poor dog. She seems to have eczema. As an effort to reduce her scratching herself (which injured her skin quite severely), we decided to shave her fur and clothed her in unused clothes. Now, if she tried to scratch, it will only scratch the used clothing, not her skin. Hopefully this treatment, in combination with the different diet and medicine injection every 2 weeks, works to alleviate her severe skin disease.

Finally, yesterday's date kind of stuck out to me. August 5, 2019, I still remember that day clearly. I woke up early, walked to McDonald's on Fort Avenue, and enjoyed my breakfast there. I had the usual English muffin sandwich and the southern-style tea, so it was not the food that made it memorable. But somehow I was able to truly stay in the present during that breakfast. I was aware of my rather sad and upcoming departure from the US in two weeks -- but accepted it nonetheless. With graduate school and research jobs over, I was able to finally take a break and absorb my surrounding. I didn't realize that being present while having breakfast at McDonald's can be a profound moment, but I'm telling you now that it is. The past three years of mindless chugging along in a corporate job have made me unable to appreciate the simple things in life. Well, I guess it's not the corporate job per se, but my single-mindedness when trying to achieve tasks. I want to be more present from now on.

Best regards,

Bright (and Joyful) Penguin

Things to be grateful for today: (1) lunch at the used-to-be-favorite Japanese restaurant, (2) a great wedding this morning, and (3) plenty of time to think and be grateful for my current circumstances.

Dear Diary,

Today I had phone calls with senior employees from the companies I want to work for. In total, I had two phone calls, one for each firm. I think it went rather smoothly. The senior manager for the first company was so friendly. He used to be a software engineer himself and transitioned smoothly to a managerial position. I felt rather inspired by his intelligence and humbleness, though in the end, he did not give me a referral. Strangely, I still felt good after the call.

I had about 30 minutes before the second call, so I calmed myself down by playing with my dog. Then I entered my room again and started the call. The person from the second company had a more senior title; he was after all the director. As I waited inside the Zoom call, I felt nervous. My heartbeat became uncontrollable when I noticed it was four o'clock sharp and he had not joined the call yet. I started to think if perhaps I input the wrong call ID, or if he was busy. Six minutes in, he suddenly joined the call. I introduced myself and was going to start the Q&A session when surprisingly, he offered to simply forward my resume to HR. I received a referral before even asking for it. I can't wrap my head around this. It seems that the quality of the call has no correlation whatsoever with the probability of getting a referral.

Aside from that, today is not too unusual. Yesterday was bittersweet though. I had a farewell lunch with a colleague. We had been working for almost 3 years together and we started working at the company at around the same time. He resigned last week and found a new employer who is much better. We reminisced a little bit about the past and talk about the future. I am happy that he found better employment. After lunch, I thanked him and said I hope I will be able to work with him again in the future. Congratulations on the new job, my friend!

By the way, a funny thing happened to me. I finished the Vsauce Mind Field series yesterday. Today I felt post-series depression because of it. As I am finishing this diary entry, I kept wondering what I want to watch after this and wishing that there are new Mind Field episodes. Well, I guess that's a hallmark of a great series, novel, music, etc. The key is to be present when those things haven't ended yet. I have to remember that.

I also finished Charlotte's Web about two days ago. It was a children's book but I dare say it moved me. It evokes all strong emotions that children have to learn at some point: compassion, indignation, devotion to friends, fear of death, and grief, just to name a few. If one day I have a child (or children), I would definitely read Charlotte's Web to them before bed. (Velveteen Rabbit, too).

Now I'm going to watch Seven Years in Tibet on Netflix and read Midnight's Children afterward. Cheers!

Best regards,

Bright (and Happy) Penguin

Things to be grateful for: (1) calls with senior employees that went smoothly, (2) the nostalgic playlist playing over my earphone now: The Knocks' 55 and Saint Pepsi's Hit Vibes, and (3) the Malaysian milk tea I drank in the early evening.

Dear Diary,

It's been quite some time since I talked to you. Not much has changed in terms of my daily habits; it's just working and studying all the time. But I'm progressing slowly. One of the companies I wanted to work for sent me an online test today. I'm supposed to finish the test before next Monday. Hopefully, I'll be able to pass this test and continue to the interviews. It's true, there may be 4-5 interviews after the test so it's not a guarantee, but at least I'm getting somewhere. On the other hand, the HR from two other companies I applied to did not reply to my message at all. It's funny because a senior employee from one of the firms referred me for the position, but I did not hear back from HR. I hope it's only because they are busy. To top this off, I'm going to take my certification exam in 11 days. Exciting, but nerve-wracking at the same time.

Outside of work, I've been feeling pretty down lately. People talk about midlife crises a lot, but I suspect a lot of people my age also experience crises. I'll turn 27 in a week, which somewhat made me reflect on my life. I thought a lot about marriage and relationships. At this rate, I'm never going to meet someone I like since I work/study all the time. Sometime soon, I may have to deprioritize my career and start dating again. Yesterday night, I felt so panicked when thinking about this that I looked for advice in online forums about marriage/relationship regrets. It did not answer any of my doubts: some people regret being unmarried, and others don't. However, one passage stood out. A user wrote that I will likely regret being unmarried if I never explore my options. It's true, marriage can be a great thing if you're married to the right person. Thus, to minimize regret, I simply have to go out a lot more and try to find that person. If that person does not exist, then being unmarried is more justifiable and probably won't be regrettable. It gets tricky though. The more time I spend on dating (or trying to date), the less time I have for my career. How do I choose between career and relationships? How do I strike a balance that is right for me?

I felt melancholic this entire day. I woke up at 7, skipped breakfast, and worked from home. I did some coding until 9 am, but then my nerves got the best of me. I left my desk, lay down on my bed, and listened to songs for about 1.5 hours. Most are songs I associate with old memories. I found out that one of those songs (Katy Perry's Wide Awake) has a music video. I played it on repeat several times in a row. (Later on, before my daily workout and after my night-time study, I played it on repeat again). I was trying to escape the present and return to the past, where any uncertainty has been removed. When I was finally able to put down my music player this morning, I sat down in front of my laptop but was unable to focus. I decided that I probably have to start meditating every night again.

If someone forced me to choose between careers or relationships, I probably wouldn't choose. It's hard to say goodbye to my dream of a fulfilling career and a loving relationship, but perhaps I have to acknowledge that these two sometimes come into conflict. The anxiety about making the wrong move paralyzed me. I don't know how to go forward, and I just want to stay still.

Thanks for letting me vent, dear diary. I suppose it's time for me to meditate, read, and sleep. I wish sleep will erase my worry and tomorrow will be better. I've been trying to read Midnight's Children but struggled to keep my interest and focus. I'll likely pick up another book to read tonight, or maybe not. I don't know. I can't seem to decide anything these days.

Bright (and Melancholic) Penguin

Things to be grateful for today: (1) pre-workout banana bread and tea, (2) Katy Perry's Wide Awake music video, which helped me get through the day, and (3) enough time and energy to write you, dear diary.