Diary of a Workaholic...

Dear diary,

I had an epiphany today! I know why I work a lot and why I don't have many close friends. I studied intensely over the weekend again today, and since I was alone, I had time to reflect. I asked myself, why do you study this much? What are you hoping to happen if you are successful in your study? I probed myself with this question. I realized that I am hoping for a successful career, which will turn me independent and able to choose where to settle down.

As you know, I don't feel that I belong where I am now, but I see no way out of here except through stellar career and possible relocation abroad. But sometimes I feel hopeless too. My current job is quite exciting, but does not pay well and has limited growth prospect. If I spend too much time here, I will be stuck since no one will look at my resume anymore. But at the same time, I feel that the current situation already made it difficult for me to make the switch. Everything seems difficult right at the moment where the most important thing is at stake.

I want to belong and to settle too, but not right here. I want to move to another place where I can be more transparent about my religious belief. The people here seem so different from me that sometimes I think I am on a different wavelength.

I wish myself strength and patience to bear this problem.

Best regards,

Bright (and Disappointed) Penguin

Dear diary,

It's been a week since I wrote to you; sorry for that. I've been busy again this week, but this weekend I feel a little more relaxed. I limited my mock interview practice to 3 times this weekend and I had 2 during the weekdays. I will split my training over the weekends and weekdays from now on. It's better for my mental health as I am not as stressed out during the weekend anymore.

You know, things have been going well. I was able to submit my work earlier than the deadline and have some free time to do my job-search -- in the office! (I know, what a risky move). But I guess it's confirmed what I knew all along; nobody cared where I am or what I am doing as long as I deliver what I'm supposed to deliver. My supervisor also allowed me to work from home last Thursday and Friday so I was able to put more time for job-search. I'm going to ask for work-from-homes again next week.

I actually feel grateful today. I still feel lonely, but for some reason I also sense that I have the power to do this; that I can strive even in difficult situations like this. I guess it's because one of my mock interview partners told me I've improved substantially since last month -- though I did not realize any improvement at all. Maybe I was being too hard on myself.

That's it from me today. I'm going to prepare for sleep and read Plato's The Republic. I love it when I have some quiet time before I sleep.

Best regards,

Bright (and Grateful) Penguin

p.s. Hi upvoter, thanks for reading. I hope you are well.

Dear diary,

You know, today one of my colleagues at work broke down crying at lunch. She seemed to be fighting with her husband. She was so upset she read the chat to me and several other people. I'll be honest, it felt so uncomfortable, especially given that I am not too experienced in relationship. I can't imagine being so attached to another person that a chat from him/her can break down a person like that. Is losing autonomy a prerequisite to a great relationship, or is it actually a red flag?

Weeks ago, that same colleague asked me what's my deepest fear. She asked it so casually that I was taken aback. Maybe I haven't thought about it consciously, but deep down I know I am scared of something. That time, I said to her that my deepest fear is losing my autonomy. This is true, of course. I am afraid of losing my independence, but it's not my deepest fear. After some reflection, I am sure now that my deepest fear is not being able to reach my potential.

This seems to be the primary issue at work. I've been in the same position for 2 years, but they have yet to fill a supervisor position above me. In fact, many of my friends told me I was functioning as a mid-level and have been filling in some of the jobs that the yet-to-be-hired supervisor is supposed to do. I guess this is good, but how can I grow without a mentor? Even worse, my employer seems to be taking advantage of me by paying me lower than my value.

I'm 100% sure that I'm going to quit, but I have yet to find a new job. Meanwhile, the overload at work is draining my energy. By the time I got home, it is so difficult to job-search again. At the same time, I am getting older and I sometimes have a FOMO on romantic relationships. It's been years since I last dated and I figure I will have to relearn it somehow. But I don't want to settle yet. Ideally I will get a good job next year, relocate to Singapore/Australia, start dating there and then maybe settle. I don't belong here, but getting out is so difficult.

I missed the US so much. Will I ever be back?

Best regards,

Bright Penguin

Dear diary,

I worked from home today and did not have to wake up as early as usual. Felt so good! Yesterday night I had a call with my part-time job supervisors in the US. They are really smart and I hope I can be as smart as they are one day. The thing is because of the Daylight Saving Time, the time is even worse for me. The meeting started one hour before midnight! That's why I have to work from home today.

This morning was OK. I detected a performance issue in my ETL script two days ago and today I took some time to look at my code and think for possible improvements. But the more I looked at it, the more confused I was. It seemed that the code was far more complex that it needed to be. But as I tried to simplify the logic, I was convinced again that nothing can be trimmed. I spent almost an entire day trying to improve it, but to no avail. Even worse, 3 hours before my work hour ended, there was an end-of-year celebration at the office and I had to join online too. To be honest, I also did not enjoy the event. I no longer feel that I belong to my company. My friends are all good, but I feel it's time for me to move on to another job (which I have yet to apply for).

I am a major introvert and I know other people who are also introverted. However, for some reason, it seems that other introverts can sometimes feel good in social gathering. This is not the case for me. I always felt alone in social gathering. I enjoy talking to a small group of friends -- 4 people max. More than 4 people would be draining for me. Add to this the fact that I felt out of place among my colleagues. This was supposed to be a great day (e.g., Friday, work from home) and yet when the work time was over, I felt uneasy. I don't know why. Maybe because I failed to fix the code, or because the social event made me realize I am trapped where I am.

I really want to finish all the job applications I had to finish, but I can't seem to find the energy to do it after work. If only my body does not require rest. I feel really hopeless now, because I have to get out of here and the only ticket to do that is a great career which will grant me independence. I hope, one day I will look back to this day and realize my anxiety about career was unnecessary.

Tomorrow, I have to wake up early for medical check-up. As soon as I get home, I will work on the job applications again, and try to apply to at least 2 companies. I doubt they are going to interview me anytime soon since they are probably on vacation already. I feel relieved too though. It gives me some time to rest. I hope they will interview me in January and I am ready for a new job in February. Slow down, tiger. This is not yet December 31st. Hold on with your New Year's resolution! 😝

Oh, almost forgot. Things to be grateful today: (1) Found a great, older song of Jungle called Casio, (2) Had a quiet evening routine, and; (3) Did not have to wake up at 5am today.

Best regards,

Bright Penguin

Dear diary,

Tomorrow (or rather today, since it's past midnight) will be the last day in 2021. For some reason this made me sad. It's like saying goodbye to someone you didn't really like at first, but end up appreciating in the end.

I guess it's not the only thing that made me sad. Today I went to the office and gave my keys to the HR department. For the fourth time in my current job, they moved me yet again to another floor. I was just beginning to appreciate the phone booth in floor 37, when they announced that they are moving me back to floor 56. I know I'm going to miss the privacy the phone booth gave me and the espresso machine they have. So today, I took half a day working in floor 37, tasted the coffee for the very last time, looked out the window and tried to absorb everything before the moment fleets away. During the last hour in the phone booth, I had a melancholic song about goodbye on repeat (called River by The Knocks). When I finally left the place, I actually said bye to the receptionist.

I felt a little better during the early evening since I had time to do jump-rope again. It's a great workout, but such a pity that I no longer have much time to do it due to my employer wanting everybody to work from the office. After the workout, I ate fish and sprouts for dinner with my parents. Then I had about 1 hour until my interview practice, which I used to listen to The Knocks' River on repeat for the second time today. (Second but not last. I'm listening to it on repeat again as I am writing this). Then came the interview practice.

I was given a difficult problem during the interview practice, and did not do well. I feel my interview partner was being nice to me when he said I did well enough. I feel that I could have done better. This made me feel down too. I felt unprepared for the next step in my career and just felt plain incompetent. I know it was just practice, but I feel that I should have done better.

Something good came out of it though. I suddenly felt warm and fuzzy about all the family members and friends that I have. They stuck with me, accepted my faults and celebrated my victory, even though I am sometimes cold to them. Today I learned the difference between admiration and love. Maybe I do not admire them that much, but by God I love them.

Happy early New Year, dear diary. I hope I will continue to write you in 2022.

Best regards,

Bright (and Melancholic) Penguin

Dear diary,

Today was quite unremarkable, except for some events. As usual, my code stopped working and I had to spent an entire day debugging it -- and it's not even near finished. I will have to continue doing it tomorrow. Just thinking about it made me tired. I guess, these things will never end until I finally resign and get a new job.

Something new happened today though. After lunch, I grabbed a coffee with my colleague. We used to talk a lot (or more accurately, complain) about our employers. He was planning to resign too, but then his wife got pregnant and now the baby was born. He hasn't changed his opinion about moving to another company, but I guess he has to be more cautious about resigning now that he has dependents. I hope he felt understood because of our brief conversation after lunch today. It feels good to have someone who understands you, even if he/she only understands a small part of your problem.

By the way, I've been watching Twin Peaks season 1 for a few days now. What a great show. But in the middle of watching some episodes, the video just got cut off. This is what happens with pirated stuff. But the worst thing is that I did not want to watch the pirated copy, only that I have no choice. For some reason I cannot quite comprehend, Amazon, Hulu, and other streaming companies do not allow me to sign up without US debit cards. How am I to get a US debit card if I'm not based in the US anymore? So here I am, stuck with pirated copy of a masterpiece that I would be more than happy to buy (I'll even pay extra if given the chance). I have to confine myself to watching half of each episode and finish it by reading the Wikipedia page. I never thought I would be willing to watch a film this way, but David Lynch is a genius.

After a few weeks of relapse, yesterday I started meditating again before sleep. It helped me sleep better and I felt better in the morning too. I'm going to start again today and hopefully keep up this habit for the next 3 months (or more).

Best regards,

Bright Penguin

Dear diary,

Yesterday night I went to sleep very exhausted from work, but I spent some time to meditate for 15 minutes before I hit the bed. As a result, I was able to get ~7 hours of deep sleep. I woke up from a dream this morning. In that dream, I was back in community college. I was studying together with a few people I don't recognize in a sort of canteen I never saw before. What struck me was how real it seemed and how happy and light-hearted it made me feel. That dream lingered in my mind for the entire morning.

I'm not sure why that dream stuck in my mind. In a way, maybe it reminded me how it feels like to belong, to feel happy and understood. College time was weird. Everybody was in the same boat, fighting a common enemy -- study and exams. Somehow after graduation, people went their separate ways and lose things in common. It saddened me that despite my effort to reconnect with past college friends, we simply had nothing much in common now and any attempt of conversation soon became awkward.

During the day, I was able to debug a pretty tough part of the data pipeline. By mid-day, I was finished with my work. I spent the rest of the day reading about the career I'm trying to switch to. I read about their management, work culture, and so on. I was able to form some ideas as to what to write in my cover letter. Hopefully, I will be able to pour the ideas well when the time comes for me to write the letter. However, the traffic on the way home was terrible. One and a half hour sitting on a car is something I will never wish on anyone -- not even my worst enemy!

I did an interview problem just now and, despite the high difficulty, I think I did well. That gave me a reason to sleep with a smile on my face. :)

Best regards,

Bright (and Happy) Penguin

Three things to be grateful about today: success at pipeline debugging, quiet night time, nice dinner composed of fried noodle, fish fillet, and sauteed vegetables (not to mention that I was eating them with my mom and dad).

Dear diary,

I just logged in after about a week and got excited when seeing the new UI of 7Cups. It looks simple and concise. It kind of made me want to try the group chat again.

Today I was able to accomplish lots of things during the day. I finished one cover letter, drafted another two and practiced an interview. I was supposed to have a partner giving me an interview practice but she was busy at work. Hopefully she will be able to handle her workload. I feel a little guilty even asking for her time now.

I chatted a little bit with my supervisor today. We made a one-year planning for my department and he was very supportive. I guess he did not know I was planning to resign. Speaking of which, actually one of my friends at work just announced his resignation. This month will be the last month he works here. Maybe I am not the only one who does not feel a good fit with this new project.

I also received a message from my sister in Canada who just got promoted today. I congratulated her and I feel so happy for the rest of the day. If I'm not able to immigrate to the US, at least my sister has a chance to immigrate to Canada. Just think about it. The doors and opportunities it can open.

I'm going to call it a day now, dear diary. Today has been productive and exhausting. To top it off, today was a leg day and I add HIIT cardio at the end of my workout. Now my thighs are sore and I feel so lazy to do anything. That's OK though. It's time to rest anyway. On to Twin Peaks...

Best regards,

Bright (and Hopeful) Penguin

Three things to be grateful about today: accomplished lots of things for job-search, able to maintain diet and workout programs, did well on my self-interview practice.

Dear diary,

I did not do any work again today. This week I worked from home and pretty much had nothing to do. My supervisor did not assign me any new work and seems pretending to be busy too. This is a good thing, since I was able to do lots of job-searching for the past 5 days or so.

I sent an email to the boss of the new company I want to work for -- and he replied! He referred me to the HR manager and things seem to be going well. The HR manager copied the email to her staff and they haven't got back to me. I'm waiting for something good on Monday. Too bad next week I will have to work from the office.

I also managed to find great songs today. I don't know what it is with YouTube, but sometimes it recommends really really good songs. I like Pete Yorn's music but I've pretty much listened to all of his albums so I was looking for something similar in style. That's when YouTube recommended Far Caspian's EP called The Heights. Actually I've listened to Between Days about 5 years ago (during the end of my college year, good times!) I liked it but it didn't really click with me that much. The Heights was different, it clicked immediately. Then YouTube kept recommending good albums, like a band called Moving Mountains. They have Bandcamp too, so I can buy their albums legally.

I was supposed to have practice interview today, but my practice partner got Covid. He insisted on practicing but I told him to rest instead. His health is more important than practice and finally he agreed with me. So we ended the call. I hope he will recover soon.

For some reason, I also feel nostalgic for two weeks ago. It was the New Year's Eve. Nothing much happened but I felt light-hearted all the same. I cannot express it better than Jane Austen:

"Upon the whole, therefore, she found, what has been sometimes found before, that an event to which she had looked forward with impatient desire, did not in taking place, bring all the satisfaction she had promised herself. It was consequently necessary to name some other period for the commencement of actual felicity; to have some other point on which her wishes and hopes might be fixed, and by again enjoying the pleasure of anticipation, console herself for the present, and prepare for another disappointment."

Best regards,

Bright Penguin

Three things to be grateful about today: (1) a reply from the boss of my target company, (2) found a new recipe for my afternoon coffee: coffee, brown sugar, white sugar, salt, milk, (3) was able to spend some time rubbing my dog -- she was so happy!

Dear diary,

If there ever was an exhausting Sunday, today would be it. I had two interview practice sessions today. I did quite well on the first, especially considering the difficulty of the interview problem. Unfortunately I did not do well on the second. But that's OK. I've learned to accept that sometimes you win and sometimes you lose in life. Other than that, there's nothing special today, to be honest. Aside from interview practice, I spent lots of time listening to music and reading.

It's a pity that I have to go to the office tomorrow, especially considering that the Omicron variant is getting worse here and that there was an earthquake recently. The office building was quite tall and I think it will be foolish for my employer to keep insisting that everybody goes to the office. What if another earthquake occurred tomorrow? Going down 56 floors by stair does not sound pleasant to me. Add to that the recent eruption of the Hunga-Tonga volcano which has a potential to trigger tsunami. It just does not sound wise to go to the office. But hey, if the boss said so, you got to do it right? .... NOT. I hope I can move to another job pretty soon.

Time to relax for now.

Best regards,

Bright (and Indignant) Penguin

Things to be grateful today: (1) cool and windy weather, (2) time to relax before sleeping, (3) plenty of time to listen to music and read.