Diary Entries......?

@memelord500

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Alrighty, day two....

It's quarter past three in the afternoon, I am still in my pyjamas, I made pancakes at 12, at two had nothing since and am extremely tired.

Bit of a sucky day. Woke up feeling like my bones were made of lead and like someone was sitting on my chest. Eventually managed to get out of bed and then sat doing nothing, drank my coffee and then couldn't exercise because my brother brought his friends in. So I made pancakes instead.

Felt manic, all over the place, sudden burst of complete chaotic energy and felt perfectly fine. Now I've dropped, I feel so tired.

I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to do anything.

This sucks.

Day three of diary entries.

Sucked to get up today, but hey I got up! I managed to exercise and brush my teeth, I even took a shower. I'm exhausted, physically and mentally, but I did everything.

Kind of had a mini freak out this morning cause I fell of the bandwagon and SH last night. Like an idiot I used my arm, and realised when I was getting changed to exercise I wear *tank tops to exercise*! Freaked out cause I don't wear long sleeved sport things, and no way would I have been able to explain away a hoodie. In hot weather it's easy to say you're cold but sweaty sporty stuff is less easy to explain hoodies lol.

Spent like ten, fifteen minutes dabbing green concealer, then normal concealer over and over lol.

Haven't eaten much today, some leftover chicken breast, but I will later, swear. Dad's home which sucks so I guess I'll be sitting in the kitchen for a few days! Ah well, it'll be fine.

So overall, yay for slogging through and doing my morning routine but boo for SH... so..... I'm basically at the same point I was?

I'm so tired.

Everything's sucky.

Why does it have to be like this? Why does it have to be feel terrible or feel blank? Why do I have to care so much about my body and me and everything, and why do I have to hate myself so much?

Why do I have to be like this?

I'm so goddamn tired.

Alrighty, day five. TW// self harm and suicidal

Today was a bit better. I ate three full meals, whaaaaat, and I feel moderately okay? I guess? Felt very, very, very ill though although I'm not sure if that was the food or not.

I feel bad. And angry. Because of so many things but mainly this: I haven't been diagnosed with anything.

I haven't been diagnosed so I can never be entirely, 100 percent sure what I have. And that makes me reluctant to tell people things because I haven't been diagnosed so obviously I don't have anything.

But I'm not okay.

Okay people don't self harm.

Okay people haven't wanted to die, really badly and even went so far as to write a goodbye note before not going through with it. (Okay now though on that front, somehow)

Okay people don't hate themselves, and their body and their personality.

Okay people don't stop eating and hate themselves after eating.

Okay people don't feel so tired, so bone deep exhausted by everything, by just living, and either sleep too much and can't get up or sleep too little and can't stop moving because of an itch they can't scratch.

Okay people don't question their every move, word, sentence and they don't act so painfully awkward around people or have stupid trust issues and almost ridiculous self esteem issues.

Do they?

And I can't go to a doctor's because that's just not an option. So it sucks when people think I'm okay because I don't have pills or because I'm good at acting alright.

(Day five continued)

But despite that, I'm still here. I'm still struggling through the mess that is me one breath at a time even though most days it's sucky.

I. Am. Still. Here.

And yeah I'm still hurting, and yeah I'm not fixed, and yeah it's fricking tough. So tough, I can't even explain it correctly. But I'm still working on myself and trying.

And that's good right? I'm still valid, right? Sometimes it feels like I should be happy or okay because I don't 100 percent know what's wrong with me and I can only self diagnose or hedge an almost certain guess.

That's what was eating at me today. But I (sort of) dealt with it and I'm still here. I can say that much.

😊

Day six was good. It wasn't excellent and I still had bad moments, but I dealt with it. I had an evening bath, just now, it lasted like two hours lol, and read my book and just took some time to....be. Just live and relax.

And it felt really good, I feel really relaxed. Some family issues but that's okay. So yeah, today was good. More on that tomorrow, phone down time has started 😊

So...

I don't know. I had an amazing day yesterday, with my friends out and about, it was brilliant even in the pouring rain. I think that made it better too, the rain I mean. I loved it so much and had so much fun.

Just chatting and walking and laughing and doing things, going places. I love my friends so much, even if one of them is only new and we're still building a friendship. And today I feel grand. Fine, bit tired and sore after yesterday, but fine.

Sometimes though. Sometimes I feel perfectly normal and I think to myself, I'm fine I don't have a mental illness or issues or anything. I can't, because I feel too fine and normal. And then I believe that I just over exaggerate and search for attention or help I don't need.

But then sometimes, the Bad arrives and I don't remember ever being fine and I'm so convinced that I need help and something is wrong with me. But in the back of my head I'm thinking that nothing is wrong I'm just over exaggerating, which is very confusing.

Because it all tangles up and twists and merges until I have absolutely no idea what I am. And sometimes my brain is a bully. And sometimes it's quiet. And I don't really get it?

But yesterday I was truly normal. Well, somewhat. And I had a great time. A really, really, really great time that I hope I'll remember forever and look back on fondly. Sometimes I don't remember things, and I am determined to remember yesterday because it was brilliant.

So yeah, that's my entry today

Day whatever. I don't even know anymore. I'm so tired.

Every blink is a struggle to not just close my eyes and sleep. At least I've been eating. That's something I suppose.

Tired. So so tired.