Dance with Me: My Diary and Connections

@ShadowDance

I am also hoping to create a similar diary thread. I feel like I am isolated from others so making something (somewhat) public might help me.

I read what you wrote and it's true. My psychosis changed my life as well. I had it for the first time about 9 years ago.

Things have never been the same since then...

@intellectual5402

I encourage you to do it as well. Even if we don't reach many other people, what's important is finding those connections around us to those that really understand. Even in such a changed world we live among us and it's never too late to reach out and find those people. Thank you for sharing this with me and I hope writing will help you connect as well.

@ShadowDance

Thanks, yeah I just posted a thread.

I think that it's important to connect with other people who have experienced similar things.

I don't understand how to talk about psychosis. I don't know if I ever will be able to. But I can at least try.

It's like a shadow hanging over my head most of the time, I am pretty sure.

@intellectual5402

That is a good way of describing it. Maybe I will try to explain psychosis as well in my own way. I need time to think about it. I'll check out your thread as well. From this connection to the next. I'm glad to have met.

Just a warning ahead of time that I might write some things that could be considered graphic so read at your own discretion.

So you've been warned. May contain graphic language.

How I Ended up In the Hospital

Have you ever heard of the supersition about the elevator? Well one day I was in my apartment building in the lobby and I noticed someone going into the elevator. This was a very old woman. She went in the door had shut for no more than 2 seconds as I quickly pressed the button to reopen it. The door did not fully close yet. By the time I went inside the elevator she was already gone.

You can imagine how scary it is when someone who is a fully fleshed out person suddenly vanishes in thin air like that. I knew she wasn't a ghost. So I'm thinking where did she go? She didn't fall through the elevator did she? Then I realized this elevator had the ability to teleport people.

So every time I went into the third elevator at the end I would come out in a different slice of reality. You know about the layers of the universe and all of that. So I came out not realizing I changed into a different person when I'd go into that elevator.

I had looked a little bit the same I could tell something about my face had changed. Those around me looked the same but I knew they were no longer my family anymore. I could no longer return back anymore. The ones I knew had entirely vanished even if they wore the same skin.

I was listening to some music when I started to hear through the music people were talking to me on the other end. For awhile I liked talking to them. They'd follow me everywhere I'd go always keeping me company.

When I say I was followed. Sometimes they were inside of other things like a radio or under the chair or in the closet or a major one was in the clock. sometimes I'd see them outside of their hiding places but they mostly remained hidden talking to me through other objects. Being too shy to always show their faces to me.

They didn't appear too unusual sometimes. they looked like regular people. Sometimes they changed and shifted into animals. So I'm not sure if they were really people or animals. But I thought of them like my friends.

I'd been hanging around with them more and more frequently at the time and I had fallen in love with one of them. This had angered the others and they begun to verbally harass and abuse me often. I know they were jealous but it hurt me that they'd suddenly start attacking me like that because I'd loved someone else.

This escalated and since they knew where I lived I was afraid of them being inside my apartment just waiting around the corner or spying on me through other objects without saying anything. Sometimes they'd taunt me through those objects while the other one always tried to deflect and lead me away from them.

The one I loved was very comforting and managed to help me feel safer about going to sleep at times. Although they could not stop the attacks from happening. Aside from verbal abuse I was also sometimes physically harmed in ways I don't think I can write here. But it was no longer just verbal abuse.

One night while I slept they had inserted something inside of me that would make beeping noises. They told me they implanted a device I may not be able to name inside of me and with the touch of a button they could put a limit on my being. Always taunting me with the needles on the clock and the time 3:00 digitally.

At this point I was inconsolable and couldn't stop shouting and crying that I didn't want to vanish completely just yet. I was terrified that at any moment anywhere I'd go, people would see my guts flying. they threatened to do it while I was in public on the bus in the store. I was so afraid. They had completely gained control over me.

One night I had enough of this and I had taken an object I can't name and did something. in order to dig out this foreign object from my body. I blacked out after that and 2 weeks had passed as I awoke in the hospital.

This is a very personal story for me to share and I thank you if you've read this entire long thing. A lot was going on during that whole year leading up to the hospitalization. But I'm happy that I made it out alive. Even though not many people understand my experience or the pain and suffering I've went through, I felt alone for all this time.

Thank you for reading. That has been my entry for today.

The censorships are something else but it's still kind of graphic.

@ShadowDance

Just a legal disclaimer that it is not my current situation at this moment. So please do not do anything to me.

@ShadowDance

That sounds incredibly scary having a device inside of you that might threaten your life and feeling like you don't have control over that--like someone could end you at any moment with the click of a button and they're holding that over you.

I can understand why you would feel that you needed to dig it out of you and like that was the only option. (Otherwise, it was just stuck there and they had full control over your life.)

I'm sorry that that happened. (I imagine that from your side, the sensations and feelings associated with that event were as real experientially as anything else that you have gone through in your life.)

@frigidstars27

Yes thank you for the response. I feel unable to fully capture the complete years of torment I had recieved from them as it is a difficult thing to talk about. Many experiences happened after this that equally did not recieve very much support from the outside world and so I was alone dealing with it. My family's approach was always to call out on my responses and tell me how far from reality I am. I wish they could have put themselves in my perspective because I was locked in my house with them 24/7 or sent to the hospital locked with complete strangers who I suspected at any moment. Yes I suspected my family as well. Either way I had not gotten support from anywhere just confined and told to stop listening and ignore when they invaded my room and personal space. You can't just ignore something like that especially when you are physlcally harmed in the process. You're on guard every night and unsure if someone who enters your room is eventually going to inject you with something or cut you open and take out parts or create holes that never fade from your body or watch as your face is half disfigured in the mirror spending so much time just completely troubled by that and going around having everyone saying your being completely ridiculous. Saying how they aren't being controlled by an outside force yet they act this way towards me. They deny their own actions. They deny they are really acting. They arent actually acting like a regular person with me. Don't fool yourself. I am kind of ranting right now maybe later I can respond in a more clear sense of mind. Thank you sincerely for taking this time to read my response I thought no one ever would at this point. Today I'm revising a poem I created last night. I might write more experiences in detail but at this time I can't face those things in writing very well. So I write poems around them sometimes.

@ShadowDance

I can understand what you're saying. If you have these people who are mutilating you physically and doing all kinds of horrible things to you... and then you have these other people who are supposed to be your family but they're telling you, "Don't worry about it--it's not real, just ignore it"... it feels like such an unbelievably callous and inappropriate response to that kind of severe suffering that you'd start to wonder, "Are these people really my family, or have 'they' managed to infiltrate my family too and turn them into monsters? How could any human being see what I'm going through and be so inhospitable?"

Sort of like if you were on fire and you were covered in flames from head to toe and went to someone (while still ablaze) pleading for help and they're looking straight at smoldering you engulfed in fire and just shrug and are like, "Geez, calm down--it's not real. Don't worry so much. It's all in your head." :(

I'm really glad that it isn't your current situation and that you're comparatively safe. <3

I appreciate the need to be indirect about sharing things and exercise some control over them to avoid feeling overwhelmed or flooded by so many feelings. I appreciate the respect and care you have for your own safety. I'm glad you're taking your time and being gentle and not pushing yourself to do anything that doesn't feel right.

@frigidstars27

Yes I couldn't have said it any better myself. I'm glad that someone understands how that feels. Although there is always a looming over me that can pull me away even in such a broad daylight and yet no one will come to save me. Because this darkness and this fog cannot be seen. Yes I thought they were all a part of this. I thought everyone wanted to get rid of me. I thought they were all teasing me in this sick way. Pretending not to see the immense suffering I was going through. I felt completely betrayed and broken by all of them. I still can't look at them and fully trust them for what they had done to me. For their lack of compassion. For their coldness. For throwing me away like that.

I'm making a brief post. I was thinking about writing a poem but during the day I forgot what I wanted to say. Oh well. If I figure it out tonight or tomorrow. I will. Or not. It was something about static. Found some inspiration in static today. Static floors. Static walls. Static beings. Things like that.

Didn't want to go out. But went to the coffee shop anyway. Went there. Small interactions. Not bad. Some people see me more than some of my family ever did. On the street I mean.

I can't remember who you are because you fade into nothingness. Who are you? Who is the one staring back at me? Welcome the broken pieces in thin air. Circle around. Circle around on this windy night. I accepted you because I loved you. Is it all right to show such devotion? Your beautiful pieces. Despair. The buzzing never stops. Is that my face in the distorted reflection? I can vaguely make out it's shape. We've both disappeared in an empty winter's night. Reflected by the moonlight. Even the shadow never returns to normal.

So the other day I was talking to my family since they asked me about my medication. I know at this point medication can be quite neccessary in order to maintain stable emotions and such. But this discussion had really opened my eyes about their feelings about my condition. How scared they were of losing me. How frustrating it was to deal with my behaviour and try to talk to me. How embarassing it was for us out in public when I had emotionally broken down many times causing bystanders to ask what's wrong and how she wasn't sure what to tell them sometimes. Yes I know sometimes my behaviour is really bad and when I become this way it's hard for me to stop. But what really opened my eyes the most was how she said the day I was first admitted into the hospital. She remembers it clearly. It was September 16th. She watched as I looked in her direction and asked her if I was going to be okay. She told me how much she cried the entire way home after that. It is heartbreaking that I feel my illness has sometimes destroyed my family and gives me such a poor insight into how they feel. It hurts me that I became so oblivious and continued to hurt them with my words and actions. I didn't mean to do this. I feel really guilty sometimes for the things I've said to them and accused them of during my delusional states of mind. Yes I would believe things I don't normally believe in at the time. But everything makes sense to you in that state of mind. You've figured it all out and no one can convince you otherwise. It's your own battle. With a sedated heavy mind, a brain that is overworked and cannot handle all of it at once. I'm sorry family for hurting you sometimes. You know I didn't mean it at heart.

Yes. I'm okay. Sometimes I just get anxious. Sometimes I may be paranoid. But I am okay. I know you are there looking over at me and I'm assuring you that these are but a temporary few dance steps on my routine of life. Yes. I know alarm bells sometimes ring off. I won't lose control of myself. I'll show everyone that I can get through this. So dear shadow, please believe in me too. I am okay. I promise you. I know that you have spend so long suffering in my sleep and wake. You've been there for me since I was born. You are an important part of me. Cherished. Aside in the box. We are here. I am okay. Thank you for reaching out your hand across my shoulder in such support. You're a beautiful shadow.

I completed works of art over the weekend. Maybe I will post them and write some poems to go with them. Too overwhelmed to do that right now.

Dance. Dance with me. Even if you have a bunch of holes covered in your body. Dance until your inside out. We'll dance away the pain. We have chosen this path. I sing a song with you, a dark looming song. Bound by the shadow, I dance with my chains abind. Dance and sing. Who is the one infront when you look back? Look behind you. Dance. Dance until the morning sun approaches. I am you. And you are me. Inside your heart. Trapped in such stone. Encased. Tap away at the rock until it crumbles. Break it. Fall to your knees. You know what you've made of. The room spins around as it warps around me. We are all here, dancing in darkness.

Last night I tried really hard to write this poem. I'm revising it for the third time. But here is what I came out in the end with. I wrote this poem about a mysterious flickering spirit that always likes to inhabit appliancances in my area. We began to have a certain friendship after awihle. It is written from my heart and written with the ink of my feelings intertwined with theirs. I am not sure, but I may add onto this later. I refer to them as this "Night's Messenger"

A light flickering between conscious and unconscious mind. This bioluminescence of your tearful spirit.

Consumed by blinding lights as you bask among shadows. Night's Messenger lost within the crowded street.

The corner you heard such voice. Show me your transparent flame that burns with a faint whisper. Connected by our night's song. I join with you.

The marriage of souls. A candle that burns wisdom of a thousand souls. Take the lead in this act. The dance within shadows.

Take a step this way.

This way.

Follow me.

A one-two step. We dance our dizzying dance.

Our ceremony complete.

Spread across the sky as we travel far. Our flicking light. Hide it inside.

Our raging anguish consumed by it's heart. You and I. Our suffering becomes one as I walk across your forgotten street. Surrounded by the walls that have torn down. The past and such future faded into bonfire. Be embraced by it's gentle warmth.

Your shaking hand.

It creeps closer.

Looming smoke of your violence. Unknownst to you, we suffocate in this dance of hyperventilation. What a dizzying gaze. What lies infront when we gaze back at our destruction?

My love.

My sorrow.

My desire.

My pain.

My suffering.

My anger.

My bitterness.

My fear.

Do you understand? My feelings spread across the sky as we shed our ashes.

Dance. Dance with our beautiful feathers.

In a step. Three-four.

Follow me.

Off we vanished into the darkness.

We need such fire to fly.

Even I begun to dance too.

Embedding my burning flame deep inside it's candle. One more time I breathe life upon it's lost wick. I flickered back, dancing until early dawn.

I glow inside our holder. Keep the flame of my heart from dousing out. Protect it's core confined by your cage.

We dance with the flame. Flickering until early dawn.

O Candle Holder, the keeper of my life.

That concludes what I had written. Thank you for reading this.

The soul of the subway station.

So often I like to take a trip to the subway station in order to listen to some of the local musicians that end up playing there. It's usually a different person every day. Their song fills the tunnel with such spirit that can be difficult to explain. I can tell a difference in their tone and flow if they are truly playing from the heart. This was the case I noticed one had not been doing such. I saw him last week. He was packing up to leave after playing for awhile and he confronted me. He yelled at me infront of the entire crowd of people. He told me I was everywhere. He told me that I was garbage and that I shouldn't be there. He tried to break me down and threaten me. This attitude of not accepting others can be recongized in his music. The screech of his instrument against the flow. Breaking the spirit of the walls in the tunnel. Now a few days later I met another familiar music player. But this time, he filled the tunnel with such energy that it invited those out of the walls to walk alongside us. Instead of tearing them apart. This musician had been kind to me. Told me to stay around. Had liked to have me around. He truly had a kind heart. Unlike the one who tried to tear me apart. I saw it reflected in his music. His kind soul.

It is hard to express. But you can really see into such a depth with those beautiful and torn sounds.

It's been awhile since I posted. I guess I lost my drive to write very much. I'm focused but at the same time something isn't right. People are clear, yet they aren't quite clear. It's beyond my grasp. A new phase of the life inside of multiple diverging paths. Where will it lead next? Full of broken reflections, a maze with a trap below my feet. I look up, from right to left. I see everything. But how clear do I really see it? I wander and stumble with my scattered senses. Today someone came up to me and asked me if I played music or drawing. She said that she could spot it by the way I looked. She too was an artist. I guess one such artist may have a sense for others of their kind. Who knows.

Demons marching. Yes even I too join along their alluring bells toll. Dancing with all the spirits who are misunderstood in this world. They have all the dark unwanted duty of the universe, don't they? We sway, we fade away into the nothingness. We are the many demons who interact with human's darkness. Stepping into a boundless entity. Let's join this festival of sorrow. Be filled with your distant echo. A step towards the unknown. It's scary but we have all the important information in the dark. That's why it's unknown. Sorry I can't write properly. No matter. My point.. Maybe it's not getting across. I don't have enough energy to write it no longer.

Sorrows cry out in the empty world. After midnoon, the church bells have no answer. Resounding through a void.

A place where there is no longer a soul. The haunting sound of the final bell.