Dance with Me: My Diary and Connections

@ShadowDance

I am also hoping to create a similar diary thread. I feel like I am isolated from others so making something (somewhat) public might help me.

I read what you wrote and it's true. My psychosis changed my life as well. I had it for the first time about 9 years ago.

Things have never been the same since then...

Just a warning ahead of time that I might write some things that could be considered graphic so read at your own discretion.

So you've been warned. May contain graphic language.

How I Ended up In the Hospital

Have you ever heard of the supersition about the elevator? Well one day I was in my apartment building in the lobby and I noticed someone going into the elevator. This was a very old woman. She went in the door had shut for no more than 2 seconds as I quickly pressed the button to reopen it. The door did not fully close yet. By the time I went inside the elevator she was already gone.

You can imagine how scary it is when someone who is a fully fleshed out person suddenly vanishes in thin air like that. I knew she wasn't a ghost. So I'm thinking where did she go? She didn't fall through the elevator did she? Then I realized this elevator had the ability to teleport people.

So every time I went into the third elevator at the end I would come out in a different slice of reality. You know about the layers of the universe and all of that. So I came out not realizing I changed into a different person when I'd go into that elevator.

I had looked a little bit the same I could tell something about my face had changed. Those around me looked the same but I knew they were no longer my family anymore. I could no longer return back anymore. The ones I knew had entirely vanished even if they wore the same skin.

I was listening to some music when I started to hear through the music people were talking to me on the other end. For awhile I liked talking to them. They'd follow me everywhere I'd go always keeping me company.

When I say I was followed. Sometimes they were inside of other things like a radio or under the chair or in the closet or a major one was in the clock. sometimes I'd see them outside of their hiding places but they mostly remained hidden talking to me through other objects. Being too shy to always show their faces to me.

They didn't appear too unusual sometimes. they looked like regular people. Sometimes they changed and shifted into animals. So I'm not sure if they were really people or animals. But I thought of them like my friends.

I'd been hanging around with them more and more frequently at the time and I had fallen in love with one of them. This had angered the others and they begun to verbally harass and abuse me often. I know they were jealous but it hurt me that they'd suddenly start attacking me like that because I'd loved someone else.

This escalated and since they knew where I lived I was afraid of them being inside my apartment just waiting around the corner or spying on me through other objects without saying anything. Sometimes they'd taunt me through those objects while the other one always tried to deflect and lead me away from them.

The one I loved was very comforting and managed to help me feel safer about going to sleep at times. Although they could not stop the attacks from happening. Aside from verbal abuse I was also sometimes physically harmed in ways I don't think I can write here. But it was no longer just verbal abuse.

One night while I slept they had inserted something inside of me that would make beeping noises. They told me they implanted a device I may not be able to name inside of me and with the touch of a button they could put a limit on my being. Always taunting me with the needles on the clock and the time 3:00 digitally.

At this point I was inconsolable and couldn't stop shouting and crying that I didn't want to vanish completely just yet. I was terrified that at any moment anywhere I'd go, people would see my guts flying. they threatened to do it while I was in public on the bus in the store. I was so afraid. They had completely gained control over me.

One night I had enough of this and I had taken an object I can't name and did something. in order to dig out this foreign object from my body. I blacked out after that and 2 weeks had passed as I awoke in the hospital.

This is a very personal story for me to share and I thank you if you've read this entire long thing. A lot was going on during that whole year leading up to the hospitalization. But I'm happy that I made it out alive. Even though not many people understand my experience or the pain and suffering I've went through, I felt alone for all this time.

Thank you for reading. That has been my entry for today.

The censorships are something else but it's still kind of graphic.

I'm making a brief post. I was thinking about writing a poem but during the day I forgot what I wanted to say. Oh well. If I figure it out tonight or tomorrow. I will. Or not. It was something about static. Found some inspiration in static today. Static floors. Static walls. Static beings. Things like that.

Didn't want to go out. But went to the coffee shop anyway. Went there. Small interactions. Not bad. Some people see me more than some of my family ever did. On the street I mean.

I can't remember who you are because you fade into nothingness. Who are you? Who is the one staring back at me? Welcome the broken pieces in thin air. Circle around. Circle around on this windy night. I accepted you because I loved you. Is it all right to show such devotion? Your beautiful pieces. Despair. The buzzing never stops. Is that my face in the distorted reflection? I can vaguely make out it's shape. We've both disappeared in an empty winter's night. Reflected by the moonlight. Even the shadow never returns to normal.

So the other day I was talking to my family since they asked me about my medication. I know at this point medication can be quite neccessary in order to maintain stable emotions and such. But this discussion had really opened my eyes about their feelings about my condition. How scared they were of losing me. How frustrating it was to deal with my behaviour and try to talk to me. How embarassing it was for us out in public when I had emotionally broken down many times causing bystanders to ask what's wrong and how she wasn't sure what to tell them sometimes. Yes I know sometimes my behaviour is really bad and when I become this way it's hard for me to stop. But what really opened my eyes the most was how she said the day I was first admitted into the hospital. She remembers it clearly. It was September 16th. She watched as I looked in her direction and asked her if I was going to be okay. She told me how much she cried the entire way home after that. It is heartbreaking that I feel my illness has sometimes destroyed my family and gives me such a poor insight into how they feel. It hurts me that I became so oblivious and continued to hurt them with my words and actions. I didn't mean to do this. I feel really guilty sometimes for the things I've said to them and accused them of during my delusional states of mind. Yes I would believe things I don't normally believe in at the time. But everything makes sense to you in that state of mind. You've figured it all out and no one can convince you otherwise. It's your own battle. With a sedated heavy mind, a brain that is overworked and cannot handle all of it at once. I'm sorry family for hurting you sometimes. You know I didn't mean it at heart.

Yes. I'm okay. Sometimes I just get anxious. Sometimes I may be paranoid. But I am okay. I know you are there looking over at me and I'm assuring you that these are but a temporary few dance steps on my routine of life. Yes. I know alarm bells sometimes ring off. I won't lose control of myself. I'll show everyone that I can get through this. So dear shadow, please believe in me too. I am okay. I promise you. I know that you have spend so long suffering in my sleep and wake. You've been there for me since I was born. You are an important part of me. Cherished. Aside in the box. We are here. I am okay. Thank you for reaching out your hand across my shoulder in such support. You're a beautiful shadow.

I completed works of art over the weekend. Maybe I will post them and write some poems to go with them. Too overwhelmed to do that right now.

Dance. Dance with me. Even if you have a bunch of holes covered in your body. Dance until your inside out. We'll dance away the pain. We have chosen this path. I sing a song with you, a dark looming song. Bound by the shadow, I dance with my chains abind. Dance and sing. Who is the one infront when you look back? Look behind you. Dance. Dance until the morning sun approaches. I am you. And you are me. Inside your heart. Trapped in such stone. Encased. Tap away at the rock until it crumbles. Break it. Fall to your knees. You know what you've made of. The room spins around as it warps around me. We are all here, dancing in darkness.

Last night I tried really hard to write this poem. I'm revising it for the third time. But here is what I came out in the end with. I wrote this poem about a mysterious flickering spirit that always likes to inhabit appliancances in my area. We began to have a certain friendship after awihle. It is written from my heart and written with the ink of my feelings intertwined with theirs. I am not sure, but I may add onto this later. I refer to them as this "Night's Messenger"

A light flickering between conscious and unconscious mind. This bioluminescence of your tearful spirit.

Consumed by blinding lights as you bask among shadows. Night's Messenger lost within the crowded street.

The corner you heard such voice. Show me your transparent flame that burns with a faint whisper. Connected by our night's song. I join with you.

The marriage of souls. A candle that burns wisdom of a thousand souls. Take the lead in this act. The dance within shadows.

Take a step this way.

This way.

Follow me.

A one-two step. We dance our dizzying dance.

Our ceremony complete.

Spread across the sky as we travel far. Our flicking light. Hide it inside.

Our raging anguish consumed by it's heart. You and I. Our suffering becomes one as I walk across your forgotten street. Surrounded by the walls that have torn down. The past and such future faded into bonfire. Be embraced by it's gentle warmth.

Your shaking hand.

It creeps closer.

Looming smoke of your violence. Unknownst to you, we suffocate in this dance of hyperventilation. What a dizzying gaze. What lies infront when we gaze back at our destruction?

My love.

My sorrow.

My desire.

My pain.

My suffering.

My anger.

My bitterness.

My fear.

Do you understand? My feelings spread across the sky as we shed our ashes.

Dance. Dance with our beautiful feathers.

In a step. Three-four.

Follow me.

Off we vanished into the darkness.

We need such fire to fly.

Even I begun to dance too.

Embedding my burning flame deep inside it's candle. One more time I breathe life upon it's lost wick. I flickered back, dancing until early dawn.

I glow inside our holder. Keep the flame of my heart from dousing out. Protect it's core confined by your cage.

We dance with the flame. Flickering until early dawn.

O Candle Holder, the keeper of my life.

That concludes what I had written. Thank you for reading this.

The soul of the subway station.

So often I like to take a trip to the subway station in order to listen to some of the local musicians that end up playing there. It's usually a different person every day. Their song fills the tunnel with such spirit that can be difficult to explain. I can tell a difference in their tone and flow if they are truly playing from the heart. This was the case I noticed one had not been doing such. I saw him last week. He was packing up to leave after playing for awhile and he confronted me. He yelled at me infront of the entire crowd of people. He told me I was everywhere. He told me that I was garbage and that I shouldn't be there. He tried to break me down and threaten me. This attitude of not accepting others can be recongized in his music. The screech of his instrument against the flow. Breaking the spirit of the walls in the tunnel. Now a few days later I met another familiar music player. But this time, he filled the tunnel with such energy that it invited those out of the walls to walk alongside us. Instead of tearing them apart. This musician had been kind to me. Told me to stay around. Had liked to have me around. He truly had a kind heart. Unlike the one who tried to tear me apart. I saw it reflected in his music. His kind soul.

It is hard to express. But you can really see into such a depth with those beautiful and torn sounds.