Chamber of Secrets

Sometimes I’m so fudging tired of being sad and I want to be happy and I don’t want mood swings all the time and sometimes I just feel like I’m falling and falling and falling, going nowhere but not being able to do anything.
And I feel cold or numb or just sad and scared. And I try to be happy and I’ve been trying to be more confident and speak up more but every time I speak up, I mess up and then I’m shaking bc I’m scared. I’m so so scared. I’m scared I’m not enough I’m scared that I can never be enough I’m scared that I’ll always be alone I’m scared that everyone will leave I’m scared that people will see the mask I put on. Or maybe I want someone to see the mask. To see what I do for my friends for the picture I have to paint because when they met me I was nothing but a ball of sunshine and now I’m not that but if I show that people will see my red eyes they will see my sadness so I can’t. I can’t let them see me. Bc if they did, they would all leave. Nobody wants the girl who loves to read who isn’t exciting who thinks Shakespeare is cool who cries at least twice a week who is fat who can’t be fashionable bc fashion is messed up who can’t measure up no matter what she tries

I just want someone to hold me together. I feel like I’m dissolving piece by piece and nobody fudging notices they just see the painted smile I have. They just see the girl with smiley eyes and the girl who laughs and smiles and blushes and jumps.

They never see me.

Sometimes that is me. But a lot of the time, it’s not.

A lot of the time, I’m sucking in my tummy and looking around at all the people who have more that one friend, who is only still here bc she has to be. I look at the people and I know that they might feel the same as me that they might be wearing masks that they cry too but that voice is drowned out by the fear that I am the only one.

I feel so alone

Totally different subject here (simp warning)but

i miss you Hyram. You weren't by bc or anything but I still miss you. I miss the way you would laugh and I miss the sweatshirts you always wore. I miss when you made me laugh. I miss when I caught you looking at me. I miss when we somehow always ended up together on group projects, and I miss working with you.
I miss it when you came to me for help with hw and you wouldn't ask for the answer, but you would let me lead it to you. I miss it when the answer was sitting on your nose, and you still couldn't see it. I miss it when you would make that durpy sound to make me laugh. I miss the acne that didn't even matter because you were amazing and kind and you never said a bad word around me. I miss your blue eyes and wild blonde hair.
who knew you would turn out to be such a(insert curse word).
For anybody is reading this-here's what happened

When school let out in March of 2019, I figured we would go right back after two weeks. We didn't. I never got to tell him that he were the highlight of my day. He was going to a different school than I was, so my chance was lost.
anyway, I dealed with it, and I tried to forget.

mat the beginning of my next year in school, about a month in, I told my friend that I missed Hyram. She immediately widened her eyes, and I was confused. So she told me something.
now, I'm young. I'm only 14. So when my friend told me that he was dating someone, I was like, okay, cool.
but then my friend told me he asked for s*x only a week in with this girl. It was like a punch to the stomach.

Hyram Orcutt, I thought I knew you. I can't connect the boy you were with me to that kind of person you ended up being. I wish you weren't. I have no idea if you were like that all along, or if you changed, but I'm crushed. This happened in around September 2020. And I still miss you. I miss the sweet boy, the funny one, the one who would make me laugh.

I hate that you turned out that way. I hope you read this someday and maybe you won't remember me, but I HATE that you turned out to me such a butt hole ( I don't curse).

butt hole even as you are, I still miss you

So my big sis was amazing in school. She was smart and took all the AP classes and she ended up getting a full scholarship to Brigham Young University, the school she wanted to get into.
my big bro is just about the opposite. He has tons of missing assignments, and he is smart, he just doesn't apply himself. So he gets Cs in school, and almost fails three classes.

bc of this, I have no idea where I am supposed to go. Where is normal? Which sibling do I want to be like? I have no idea. I mean, obviously I don't want to almost fail my classes, but I also don't want to be taking all the AP classes and getting scholarships.
I just don't know where I am supposed to land on This spectrum.

@Leah57

Wow. I’m returning here more than a year later, and just. Wow. I remember writing this in one of my darkest moments, in a time where everything was so hard. Things still are hard, but I’ve been able to find support and to overcome some of these hardships. For example, I realize that Hyram is kinda a trash bag, although younger me thought otherwise. I’ve been able to evaluate what I need in a relationship, and if I’m ready for one, which I’m still not. And I’m okay with that.

I’m adding to this thread to give hope to anyone who reads it. All that stuff about a mask and feeling lost and lonely all the time? That has gotten way way way better. I don’t need to mask as much anymore, and I’ve found people who can support and love me for who I am. It just took time. At the time, I couldn’t see a future where I was anything but hopeless, crying, and alone. But here I am, and I have hope, I have friends and family, and I still cry, but I’ve learned how to get through it.

I remember feeling this lost, in 2021. I remember all of this, and the heart-wrenching feelings I went though week after week. But I found help. I found hope again. And for anyone who is reading this, I know you can as well. Maybe my problems seem insignificant to yours, but it’s still possible.

It might never go away completely, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean that you failed, or that you haven’t grown. An epic story is never without trials. Rather, those trials help shape you, and give you things you wouldn’t have had otherwise. I’ve gained a sense of compassion and love for everyone around me, and I’ve found new talents and strategies that came from those dark times.

I still have a long way in my journey, but now, I’m able to try again. I’m no longer falling, I’ve found solid ground. I still need help, and I’m still healing, but however long it takes, ( whether months, years, or decades), I’m willing to try. I hope you will too.

I’m sorry this was such a long post, and it might not make much sense. I probably repeated a lot of things. But these things are what I think. Maybe I’ll come back in another year, wherever I may be in my journey.

Lots of Love, Leah

@Leah57

Wow. I’m returning here more than a year later, and just. Wow. I remember writing this in one of my darkest moments, in a time where everything was so hard. Things still are hard, but I’ve been able to find support and to overcome some of these hardships. For example, I realize that Hyram is kinda a trash bag, although younger me thought otherwise. I’ve been able to evaluate what I need in a relationship, and if I’m ready for one, which I’m still not. And I’m okay with that.

I’m adding to this thread to give hope to anyone who reads it. All that stuff about a mask and feeling lost and lonely all the time? That has gotten way way way better. I don’t need to mask as much anymore, and I’ve found people who can support and love me for who I am. It just took time. At the time, I couldn’t see a future where I was anything but hopeless, crying, and alone. But here I am, and I have hope, I have friends and family, and I still cry, but I’ve learned how to get through it.

I remember feeling this lost, in 2021. I remember all of this, and the heart-wrenching feelings I went though week after week. But I found help. I found hope again. And for anyone who is reading this, I know you can as well. Maybe my problems seem insignificant to yours, but it’s still possible.

It might never go away completely, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean that you failed, or that you haven’t grown. An epic story is never without trials. Rather, those trials help shape you, and give you things you wouldn’t have had otherwise. I’ve gained a sense of compassion and love for everyone around me, and I’ve found new talents and strategies that came from those dark times.

I still have a long way in my journey, but now, I’m able to try again. I’m no longer falling, I’ve found solid ground. I still need help, and I’m still healing, but however long it takes, ( whether months, years, or decades), I’m willing to try. I hope you will too.

I’m sorry this was such a long post, and it might not make much sense. I probably repeated a lot of things. But these things are what I think. Maybe I’ll come back in another year, wherever I may be in my journey.

Lots of Love, Leah