BurkeDevlin / CaloenasNicobarica All-Purpose Chat Thread

@BurkeDevlin

Well, took forever to get back to you. Sorry 'bout that. Was strugglin' more or less with my depression this time around. This'll be the first time in two weeks that I go to see my psych since he took a vacay. Wonder if there's some correlation? I know naught. Hope you're doing a bit better.

My ears are fine now! The crap that was sitting in there is finally draining and best of all- no pain. So I'm happy! I really don't wanna throw in an extra trip to the specialist if I have to. My glands seem to be less inflamed and I have around a week to go, but it's like this super antibiotic where you take five pills and then it lasts two weeks. Apparently, they interfere with stuff a bit less. So, yay! <3

It's a hard trap not to fall into- comparing oneself. I wondered the same thing myself, if they really learned anything? I'm learning a lot just going back over the concepts of even simple science stuff. I mean- that's a helluva lot of data to in-take. You think 10's bad? I saw some kid who had like 90-something. And then this one engineer guy who took 3 months and just grinded out a freakin' Masters. Like...what? O_O; Urgh. It's difficult because the school itself worships these kinds of people and I'm always told, "Yeah! And soon we'll get you accelerated!" Accelerateaccelateraccelerate. e_e; I wouldn't mind doing an extra class or two if I had the time...but... I need to work up to that level. I'm glad to get some outside perspective on it. Straight from the horse's mouth so to speak! Thanks. <3

I thank you for your words. Y'know, I downplay those a lot. When they ARE serious! I guess I've been told I'm lazy and whiny about everything. I dunno- nowadays I know I'm not. I mean have you looked at social media? Holy carp. O_O; Women b*tch about traits of different makeup as their main annoyance? Hah. Wow. I feel... kinda different from other women- but that doesn't mean all women are annoying like that. I've met some damn good women AND men. So, I know they're out there. Anyway... my new advisor has been super cool already. He tries to engage me on different topics, which is something I need. Dat socialization. lol He's also very positive and sends those little inspirational meme type things. I was feelin' a bit down and he basically was inspiring me that I WOULD get this done. So, you guys are awesome in my book. :)

Uh, I will say that they changed the grading policy thing and it freaks me out. It used to be just Pass/Fail which I liked- now there's Competent and Exemplary. X_X; I've never really scored exceptionally high on stuff- I don't like how they think GPA is related to being competent at work. XD Kinda weird. Tell it to Bill Gates. A rare exception, but still. I feel a bit nervous because of those changes- so I'm tryin' not to psych myself out. Seems just labeling has changed. Boo.

BTW, how's school and the changing season going for you and your children? Good, I hope. Seems like it'd be a bit chaotic. Did you ever make gyudon? Was wondering how it turned out? Gyudon can be tricky sometimes, there's a lot of little things to do in prepping it. I'm taking more of a healthy initiative lately and starting to cook more healthy stuff lately. Maybe I'll have some more recipes to share. Though those lists on CookingLight have what I'm gonna be serving up. Cuz little kid taste buds. XD

Yeah, the courts are still very heavily leaning towards mommy=best type of thing. Statistically, it says guys do more abuse or whatever, but I've been abused equally by males and females. So...huh. That's not everyone's experiences, but there really needs to be an end to this where the abuse of men is some laughable thing. Because seriously, that probably perpetuates the abuser mentality. Guess I'm just ranting now. At least you documented what you needed to and focused on the interactions with the children. Sounds like you've got your stuff together the best you can. Still it must be hard for you. *hugs*

The whole thing with the weird boyfriend thing just strikes me as odd. We talked about that in chat awhile back, so you know my thoughts on that. But...trying to move in with some random guy and drag children into it? I'm assuming this guy is pretty new or at least post-divorce involved? That's pretty weird to me. Maybe not to modern society, but... I dunno. Someone acting like how that ex-wife is acting strikes me as pretty bizarre, unstable even. I doubt I'll be jumping into some guys arms when I divorce and wanting to move in post-haste. Not to mention her other "loveliness"... it's very much something I understand. I really feel for you and your children as they have to endure those mind-games and how infuriating it must be to deal with someone willing to openly cause her children discomfort to put it lightly. I only have cats and I'm worried about Puer tryin' to take those- he never cleans the box and doesn't want to take them to the vet when they need to be. In fact, a bout of crazy broke out via warpath mode where he freaked out about taking them to the vet to receive care. Yeah. Basically, like if your ex freaked out on you if your children were sick and thought it "proved that she didn't love them" because she let them get sick. ...and some part of me feels like you probably this scenario or similar.

Like with any interpersonal thing it takes time to find the right one. A lot of trial and error. They can tell a lot about how or why you're doing the things you are even if you're on guard. Which I certainly was. Sometimes I still am. Besides modalities and stuff that they specialize in, it's important to see how you simply feel or communicate around that person. Do they make you feel a little on edge? Feeling it out with your gut instinct. Because the seriously f***ed up ones I found my gut had a VERY potent reaction to. And the ones more subtle I eventually learned how they were and dropped them.

Some therapists are willing to work on a scale via your income and your circumstances. The best thing to do is call or e-mail them and explain your situation. If they can't accommodate you they may refer you to someone else that can(though who knows how good they'll be? They might be amazing.). Sometimes it'll flat out say if they do or not, this will also give you an idea of how they handle things in general and let you see their personality a bit more. You can also request a phone interview or session- sometimes they'll do a half session and you can decide then and there if they're a fit for you. Don't be afraid to say no. Seriously. Another thing! If you have an EAP program at work, you can use that for sessions at people in the network. I believe the one I've seen you get three free sessions to work on a problem and then sometimes you can bounce off of it- but the therapist has to be willing. This is also good for trying out different ones.

One of the most important things to focus on is yourself. I vent a LOT about Puer, but the main focus is taking it back to me and how I can resolve the crap I've been through and still thrive- and leave the situation. Healing, that should be your priority- and anger is certainly a part of that. But don't be too wound up on making it a blamefest about termagant over and over again. I was on a forum about personality disorders for awhile and it was super unhealthy. Throwing armchair diagnoses everywhere, lack of boundaries, scaring each other out of seeking help. Met a friend on there, and she was focused on making it all about how her husband had a PD. I understand...but when she finally DID go to therapy she got a therapist that was sitting there on the phone buttering her up and saying "Oh yeah, he totally does have NPD!" She was three hours away, and she could only go once a month. Eventually, she stopped speaking to me because I told her she needed to focus on herself and not just pick a therapist that would focus on such things. While that was important, it still has you attached to them and the situation still. Many of those people haven't ever left behind their situation even when divorced due to the rage and hate they have still. I get it, I have trauma to deal with- but I feel like what they have is a variation.

It sounds like you have a lot of unresolved stuff to work on, and maybe even stuff you didn't even know was there. And that's fine, the first step to healing is simply admitting it's there in the first place, and that takes courage. So don't be too hard on yourself, there's a lot of truths and stuff to struggle with when you finally get there. I struggle with those same thoughts- and since childhood as well. It takes time to knock those sh*tty programs out of power. Pretty much leaped into the first person's arms to say they loved me. And yeah, red flags ahoy. Desperation because of well, not having love or acknowledgment. Growing up in an abusive situation, I felt that abusiveness came with any relationship. Which is pretty damn sad, and part of me thinks I deserved that. Which I know is not true, but...yeah.

I kinda went on. Hope this was somewhat informative on therapy or what you were after. There's a lot to discuss on the subject. Hope you have a good weekend! Maybe I'll ping you for a chat sometime. My last section of this class is freakin' huge so I have a lot of work to do. lol

10 classes and 90+ CUs or essentially credit hours I believe. Not classes. But still, a metric buttload.

@CaloenasNicobarica I'm so sorry the Depression Monster has gotcha for a bit. *Hugs* I know how hard that is, and I hope your appointment was very helpful yesterday. Speaking of therapy, you gave me some very wise advice and I appreciate it. I really am thinking about it. I can admit that there are things that need to heal, I just don't know where to start or, sometimes, if it's worth the bother anymore.

Thanks for asking - school is going great! Fortunately, they both like their teachers, and each have at least a couple of friends in their classes. And my daughter was invited to write for the school newspaper! She is also on the safety patrol. I'm very proud. She asks me for advice on how to handle her wayward second-graders.

Change of seasons, well, I'll let you know when it happens. After a nice, cool first week or so of September, summer is back for another kick in the teeth and now they're saying 90s are not out of the question for later in the month.

My ex started dating this guy in the spring after we had agreed to divorce but before she moved out of the house. In fairness, she was open about it - she told me she wanted to date and asked if I had a problem with it. I told her I didn't - I was glad to have her out of my hair, to tell the truth. We agreed that we would leave the kids out of it. This put me in the curious position of having to cook up cover stories for her midnight booty calls. Sometimes on the fly.

I know she had the kids meet him before she moved out because I was going on a business trip and she took the opportunity. She asked what I thought about it, and I told her I didn't think it was a good idea. She did it anyway.

We haven't had the chance to make guydon just yet. It's been…a rough week. I haven't been feeling depressed, just stressed out and kinda wiped. So it's been a 'throw stuff together' kind of week.

It started on Sunday with a squabble with my ex. I have this female friend who adores my kids and has offered many times to come and hang out with them if I never need. Since I'm a single dad, in my ex's territory and don't have family of my own nearby, a willing babysitter whom I can trust is very valuable. I wouldn't say she's a close friend, but I've known her a few years, and the word 'friend' probably fits her as well as anyone.

My ex - and she has my daughter doing it too - often interrogates me or accuses me of dating this person. Which I'm not. And which it would be none of her business if I was. Still, my ex gossips with the kids about her, and has them, especially my daughter, disliking her unfairly.

So it happened that it looked like we might be in a bind with the kids, and I suggested my friend as a sitter. I got this lecture about how "$Daughter doesn't like her…I don't trust your judgement…we have no background check…you're an Aspie and don't understand…" Then, after trying to discourage me from, you know, gently talking to my daughter to find out why she has a problem with my friend and maybe reassure her - she called my daughter to drag her into it, and no doubt, tell her what she should say (or not say) to me if we talked about it.

Oh, I was livid.

I have to listen to all of these 'concerns' about a platonic friend I've known for years, and she has to drag the kids into the middle of it with her gossip - this after she shoved a boyfriend down their throats while she was still living here.

She has control issues, and probably some jealousy - and I still fear the endgame is to move them all up with the boyfriend, at which point it serves her well for me to have few child care options. And she'll always manipulate the kids to get her way and there's nothing I can do about it. Damn, maybe I am depressed after all.

On top of this, I had to get a lot of work done Sunday night. So I hardly slept at all, between being overworked and upset - was working till midnight Monday and Tuesday as well, so I never did get caught up. We have some pretty serious product issues going on - which actually by now I'm getting a little more optimistic about. But the week was rocky.

I had the most bizarre argument with our UK Managing Director on Monday - I'm doing everything I possibly can to help him out with his customer, and he conceded that. Wasn't asking me to do anything different. But he kept coming at me on the phone because he wasn't sure about my 'mindset'. Like, dude, what do you want from me? I've worked with him a long time and I understand he's under a ton of pressure, so we're cool.

But sheesh - for a guy who hates conflict, it sure keeps finding me.

I'm really glad you've found a good advisor that you click with. And I'll say it again - someone who did a Masters' in 3 months did not learn the material at a Masters level. They just didn't. I have a Masters' and I studied with some very smart people and none of them could have learned the stuff in anywhere near 3 months. Don't be too impressed, and especially don't be intimidated. I'll tell you something else, too - I only ever glance at GPA on a resume. If it's really poor and the person is a very recent graduate, then I may ask about it, but in this business it's mostly about the projects you've done and what you can show.

On a personal level, too - I meant it when I said that your story is just starting. It sounds like you've really looked within and learned a lot, I'm impressed - and very, very hopeful for you. Thanks for listening and for letting me in, a little. I'm honored.

Talk to you soon.

@CaloenasNicobarica Challenge failed. I went to the park pumped up to try 4 miles.

But it was mighty soupy.

I let discretion be the better part of valor and eschewed the third lap.

I'll try again next time.

Hope your science is going well!

@BurkeDevlin

Hey, don't worry about it, man!

You tried, and hey... who wants to be part of soup, anyway?

There will always be tomorrow. <3

Science is going! Gettin' through some right now, actually. Weaning myself off of petty amusements like video games and the like is kinda hard, because I too used them as a means of escape. Some escape can be healthy and warranted... but I want to REALLY focus on what lies ahead before me. Not just sit here and rot in Nowheresville with king Normalton of Nightmaresville.

BTW, did you know that Oscar Wilde made some children's stories? They're fabulous to read, actually. The Happy Prince and Other Tales. I usually find a good deal of stuff on the archive.org of various kinds. One of my net haunts for books and various things. I know you're on a budget, there's a lot to sift through but it's kinda fun sometimes. The old time radio section is pretty killer!

Hope you're feeling better, I certainly don't think less of you for trying your best. <3 Remember that. I'm sure that's what your other friends and allies would agree on as well!

@CaloenasNicobarica I did not know Oscar Wilde was a children's author! That's very cool.

Here's my favorite Oscar Wilde story I always like to tell. He toured America at one point in the late 19th century and he actually made his way out towards the frontier where folks were a bit less - literate.

So he gives this talk on Shakespeare to a pretty rough audience, and they really enjoy it and someone asks him if he (Shakespeare) would ever make his way out there.

Wilde tells him unfortunately, that's not possible because Shakespeare is dead. The guy asks, "Who shot him?"

And thanks - yeah, I'm not beating myself up too hard. It had been a bad week and I'm just glad to be back on the exercise wagon. I do feel a bit stalled in pursuit of fitness goals, and that can be demotivating, but with the cooler weather (eventually!) I'm sure I'll add some distance.

In other sports news, our softball season came to a crushing end last night. We went to extra innings, scored 4 times in the top of the inning (yours truly ignited the rally with a line-drive leadoff single and a hustling first-to-third dash) - and coughed up 5 in the bottom to end the year. End-of-year party is still on for Saturday, though. It was a fun season.

Have fun in class!

@BurkeDevlin

Oscar Wilde's children stories have such a mark of him on them! A very different air than the other fairy tales out there. Refreshing, and still very sassy and haughty. XD I love that story! That's really freakin' awesome. "Who shot him?", indeed!

I'm glad you're back on your fitness kick. I keep hearing about this particular form of yoga where you exercise in practically a sauna. WTF, is this a dungeon or something? I get it would be amazing to get all that stuff out of your system and such...but geez. I barely worked out in summer due to the heat. Think I'll try to join you on that wagon train of fitness you got goin' on there. Hope it's goin' good for you!

Even though you lost, I can sense an underlying enthusiasm. And hell, at least you did something social and with a team. That's praiseworthy in itself. <3 Are you going to continue with your softball when it resumes next year?

In my classes, I'm a little behind. Kinda got avoidant because of some stuff going on. Felt like tomatoes hitting a brick wall so I took a couple days off. Not to mention Puer's usual hijinks. e_e; I know things were pretty chaotic the last time I spoke with you regarding termagant- hope things have cleared as much as possible or at least you are of calmer mind.

Take care.

@BurkeDevlin

I've been prepping a text wall for firing on here! Haven't forgotten about hooking you up with that ritual and such, so that'll be on there. Workin' on my Organizational Behavior/Management class. LOLOLOLz I can haz management. Hope you're having a good weekend and your run was 5k-rific.

@CaloenasNicobarica Organizational Behavior! Cool - planting the seed of the dark side. I actually took Organizational Behavior in grad school and it ended up being more interesting of a class than I expected. The professor was really into it - I would think that would be a topic hard to get 'really into' but he was. He used case studies from the German Army in WWI, which this history nerd thought was cool anyway.

It was great talking with you last night and I look forward to posting with you later. I hope you're feeling better. I actually spent a lot of this morning / afternoon laying down with a headache. It's a little better now, so I'm going to try and go out and get a few things done.

Cheers!

@BurkeDevlin

It's kinda interesting of a class, but it's mostly study after study kind of stuff and vocab. I know a bit about the personality stuff they're referring to and some aspects... but I dunno, it's coming off as drab. Feel like my Dale Carnegie is going to teach me more. One of the times I wish that there were actual lectures or something like that. Your old professor sounds awesome. Would absolutely love to hear more about the historical case studies! One of the teachers around where I live was notorious for dressing up as a nazi for his history class and larping it for the day. XD Some cool stories there, he was also a huge Star Trek nerd.

Likewise, it was nice getting in touch with you again. Kinda one of my weak points is keeping in touch with things or with friends. A pattern I'm trying to break. XD BTW Sorry for the soppy violins time with me drifting on about my past. Pah, I wish for more brassy sounds and lounge singing- no need for the violins! Anyway, that sucks. Hope you feel a bit better and get on your feet before too long, sounds like you really need the rest, though. Don't push your self too much, you deserve some R&R, man!

@CaloenasNicobarica I'll try and remember some details from my OB class as we go. It was 20 years ago, though. Eep.

You had a history teacher who dressed up as a Nazi. My friend, you owe the world your autobiography.

I'm bad about keeping in touch too. Don't sweat it. Maybe it's an introvert thing, or a depression thing - don't know. I just tend to drift away very easily. Then I miss people. Oh well.

Don't even apologize for the violins, I'm always here to listen. I'll spare you my lounge singing, but have a little Chest Fever on me.

https://youtu.be/h_7q9_EJYvE

Talk to you soon!

@BurkeDevlin

Hooo, I know I keep sayin' it... but hope you had a restful weekend. Been hard for me to get to sleep lately, too much caffeine via Dew and treats. I usually hit the snack stuff/soda when I'm depressed, hormonal, or wanting to get a leg up on some work I've been doing. It just doesn't do it for me, anymore. Causes more harm than good. I drink tea a lot, but I have such a variety of teas for all sorts of moods and needs. A teapot full of chamomile milk tea with honey and a tiny dish of fruit or something dainty helps soothe me to sleep or calm. Been drinking a lot of milk teas lately. Way better than hitting up a bunch of Dew and pizza. God, my nutrition this week has not been so hot. XD

My eyes are all bloodshot and I feel like I barely slept for awhile. I'm pretty stressed, but I don't feel it so much right now. Haven't been able to focus well on my writing or my reading for university. I got half a class worth of chapters due by Tuesday. I should be able to do it fairly quickly if I'm a good girl and use Noisili or whatever and its Pomodoro timer. I use the Chrome extension frequently. Pretty handy. I've found it tough to concentrate due to Puer being around a lot more on the weekends. Never seen someone watch/play/space so much in my life. I did at one point and I've known others who've come close, each case had some form of depression or anxiety.

Was going back and reading your post that I was writing a response to. Kinda a hobbled together affair addressing this and that, and our chats. Y'know the thing that really strikes me about the one post up there where you respond to me about termagant and when she started her boyfriend hunt.... wow, these people really don't care what others feel and constantly make people clean up after themselves. She essentially made you responsible for her actions in a way, like how you had to explain the random booty calls and such. Just no. There's so much wrong with it. But I do get where you're coming from. Not wanting to rock the boat, and seeing it as getting her out of your hair... it's a temporary solution but at least you're not fighting and you're avoiding conflict, right? ...not so much. I understand how much even speaking simple truths gets you in hot water with these kooky types to put it cutely. But they are so skilled at giving others the bag and leaving them with it to deal with that you're still picking up after them when they've run off to do something stupid yet again. It's frustrating, and I give a hug of solidarity and friendship. I almost wrote fruitness- yeah, tired. XD

I dunno... thinkin' about that kinda stuff and reflecting on Puer's behavior and others I've known, I see that I've done that to some extent as well. I feel like my anxiety and agoraphobia often I'm putting my stuff on others or something. I know it's a bit different, but I know I've picked up some unhealthy dynamics and programs from my life. I just want to move forward with all this, be able to rely on my own efforts, celebrate my spirituality and not be persecuted for my personal quirks and such. A mutual feeling, huh? Think that's what anyone would want. I don't wanna ever have my personal baggage get in the way of stuff or cause me to get trapped or comfortable again. Especially if someone is darling enough where I want to spend my life with them. Also, next time a pre-nup. Speaking of which, I'm kinda scared for Thursday. Oh damn it, another wall of text. Sonofa... As much as I want the heat takin' off me, and it has been working already... I'm dreading my therapy appointment due to my psych setting up the arrangement with the marriage counselor or whoever. Good lord, I feel like I'm in some Shakespearian thing. I also don't wanna sacrifice my weekly sessions, but at the same time- things have taken a drastic turn. Not to mention, that I need to stick with my B.S. rather than off and hoppin' into a bootcamp. Anyway...

How're things at work and in general with you? Woooo! It's October.

@BurkeDevlin

Blah! Reading that last post... sorry if I came off as judgmental. Was more musing on the infuriating nature of how those types are so obstinate about taking responsibility.

Last thing you need is judgment and all that. You've got enough on your plate to deal with besides that kinda stuff. Anyway, have a good week!

Grrrr! NOT taking responsibility, rather.

Off you go to bed, Pigeon.

@CaloenasNicobarica Hey! I didn't take it that way at all (judgmental), so no worries. I'll accept friendly hugs, fruity hugs - whatever ya got!

I'm really proud of you for having the wisdom to reflect on your situation (and even mine!) and think about what you might have done differently, or might do differently next time. I try and do the same - take the last 10-15 years as a learning experience for me instead of becoming bitter and blaming another (whatever their culpability may be) for all the lost time.

I'm thinking of you and hoping Thursday's appointment goes well for you. I think it will.

And yay October! Things are going well. October is my favorite month for a variety of reasons. Today was a hugely busy day, with work and then my daughter had dance practice and a soccer game. I didn't get to my Trader Joe's Organic Spinach and Ricotta Pizza until almost 10! It was nice to sit outside at the soccer game in 60 degree weather.

Except now I'm home and I have an ominous rawness in my throat. This is bad! I want to run a 5K this month! I cannot get sick!

Off to bed with me. Please let me know how your appointment goes and keep me updated on your OB class. Talk to you this weekend, I hope?

@CaloenasNicobarica So last night I got desperate. Took the usual remedies - Vitamin C, zinc lozenges, ibuprofen, etc. Had to bite the bullet and down some apple cider vinegar. Have you ever tried that stuff? Don't be fooled by visions of orchards in the fall, that is one evil concoction. Blech.

However! So far so good, today. Just a slight cough. Even got my lunchtime workout in. I may swig a couple more tablespoons just in case, though.

I hope your special appointment last night went well. Let me know when you get a chance.

Have a great day!

@BurkeDevlin

I guess I do owe the world an autobiography at one point. Perhaps... XD

Ah, flu/cold/virusy season. Wheeee. Yeah, I know too well about that ACV stuff. Started out taking it for fitness stuff, shots of it before strength training or that kind of thing due to the studies I'd heard from other people. Then it became popular with the holisticy types of folks. Hooo, it is terrrrible. Every time I've tried it with stuff for healing purposes it's been a negative effect. Maybe it works for a bunch of people, but def not me. The stuff has the taste of some wicked potion or chemical from some old school horror movie where the quaffer contorts and screams. Not sexy. If you're into sado-masochism, then yes. But...eh, nah.

Y'know what I found DOES work for pushing back or helping make the early symptoms of colds and such tolerable? Garlic. Seriously, Taking a piece of garlic like a pill or cut up raw. You could warm it up or something, I suppose... but I've just taken it raw. That works quite well for me. In fact, I'm gonna do that today because someone picked up a cold type thing and I'm startin' to feel it a bit. But ACV is a huge no. Took it for a stomach thing and even had a bath with some ACV...then it ended up "working" on whatever I had- was the only time I've been to the ER in my entire life. Had some gnarly gastrointestinal thing. Never again. Home remedy sites tell you to use it for everything- uh no. Just no. You know what doesn't suck for stomach, gas, nausea, or monthly lady problems? Mint tea with fresh ginger. You can use some honey with it and the flavor doesn't suck and it actually works. Y'know...unlikely putting some sickly acid into your gullet.

Hope you're feeling a bit better and find something that does work for you to provide some relief so you can get to your training and just livin' without the suckness of a cold and all.

Oh! My appointment. He believes I'm traumatized still from what happened in there previously. I dunno... I'm worried about myself and my perceptions. Abusive people tend to screw with your views a lot and tell you they know better- so that's always a thing. Not saying he's abusive, just that you start questioning everything. I have a tendency to make people nervous sometimes. Whether it's simply due to the strength of my anxiety/awkwardness that day or whatever, it is a thing. But not with most or all people.And I've also had staff or teachers pull crap like that. I'm honestly too scared to go into the waiting room now and will wait in the hallway outside of it. He mentioned talking to her, but every bully type that would do something like that would be able to fake niceties and innocence afterward. So yeah. I declined.

Not sure if I'm gonna be talking about marriage counseling at this next appointment. He's consulting with people and I'm gonna sign a waiver for him to speak with them about my situation next time. My worry is cost. Because It's expensive enough seeing him, even with insurance. Another thing is their gender. I don't care either way about it, but Puer listens more to men then he does women. He's very sexist and misogynistic. Not saying that loosely. But it's pretty obvious from dealing with this guy. Have no idea what's gonna happen with this or how long he's gonna last in there. I give... 2~4 sessions. Maybe 2 months tops. You know how it is... dealing with types of people who won't take responsibility for their actions and refuse to hear anything else than praise. Puer did agree to go last week, but when the heavy lifting needs to be done he's gonna run off to fantasy land again or tantrum, probably.

My organizational behavior class. A lot of reading. I'm on a chapter titled Conflict and Negotiation. I stared blankly at the title, "Ah, yes...Marriage..." I muttered to myself and then wandered over here to write to you. XD It's pretty interesting, and the last chapter was hard for me because I've not been very with it lately. I need to finish this class quickly, and I see myself done with it shortly. But I think I would like to study it a bit more at another time when I'm not so pressed- I am learning the material. But I feel like there are nuances that hard for me to grasp since I don't have much experience with it. At its base level, it's an interesting psychology course and approached it that way makes me it more interesting for me. Rather than dry study after dry study says this or this, and it MAY correlate with this. Ah, silly. No fun historical studies or anything.

Tomorrow I have my real appointment, so I'm less scared after speaking with my psych yesterday...but I'm still a bit nervous. I also realize I need a few more plainclothes type of items like a thin turtleneck or things like that. I swear, sometimes I dress like those chicks in Star Trek that just drape fabric over themselves and call it good. Not in the side-boob sense, but I have a lot of convertible fabric dresses. You can turn them into a skirt, a shirt, a cape, a dress, whatever. But I have a freakin' struggle with 'em sometimes- feel like a derping trapped animal. XD A couple of pieces I have come with a little flyer that shows how to fold and tie them into different items, blah! Also, I'm really short so the SKIRT length thing is dragging on the floor for me. And the top length one is a skirt for me. X_X; Anyway, the struggle is real. lol

How's work and life? Training? Hope they're going good.

BTW.

There is this exercise I've been meaning to mention to you. I'll summarize it here:

Make sure you have some alone time, and REALLY think about these things. Not to hard, let them flow to you if possible.

1. Take a piece of notebook paper or something like that and write down ten things you feel negatively about in life. Such as, "I'm not good enough", "I'm poor", y'know things along those lines.

2. On another piece of similar paper, write down the opposite of these ten things. "I'm good enough", "I have the money I need". Don't use negatives in the sentences, simple and positive. Also, present tense.

3. Read both the lists off to yourself aloud. Which one do YOU want to have in your life? Probably the second list, right? It's so easy to say the stuff from the first list everyday, practically. Yay, negative reinforcement. If you're ready to give up that BS that is the first list... make a commitment to the positive and the things you want to bring into your life from the second list.

4. Take the first list, the crappy one. And BURN IT. Mind the fire safety stuff, of course. Watch as the negative is burnt and only the positive is left to focus on and welcome into your life. You can say something empowering as it's burning. Like "I banish this negativity from my life" or something similar. I mean- you read LOTR and fantasy stuff...I'm sure you can use something along those lines.

5. Pick up the second list, and stand in front of a mirror or use a hand mirror and read the list aloud to yourself in the morning for seven days. When you think the negative BS from the first list, counter it with the ones from the second list. Therefore retaking control and empowering yourself.

I try to read the list every day and have continued to do so after this exercise. 'cept I read it in the evening now. Think the morning is a better choice for me, though. But this has helped immensely in realizing positivity and getting up the nerve to start making things happen for me. May it empower you towards progress and the life you want.

@CaloenasNicobarica I would say you are blessed if ACV does not work on you! Unfortunately for me, I do feel OK today, and I might just have to give it some credit. Don't know. It doesn't go down particularly well, but...tough call, because I'll do almost anything so as not to get sick. I've never heard of taking it before strength training. I'm mildly intrigued but I'll stick to the protein shakes.

I will also take your other suggestions on board! Probably should have consulted you the moment I felt a tickle.

More later, but I am definitely going to try that exercise. Started thinking about it already. Thanks for suggesting it and I'll let you know how it goes. One thing that feels nice - a year ago, "I'm skinny and in awful physical shape" would have been near the top of the list. While I still need 15 pounds, if possible, I feel like I can mostly cross that one off!

@BurkeDevlin

'lo Burkeyboo! Tis the weekend, and I will be around to chat if you're bored.

Oh hey, it worked for you! Goodgo as Hamtaro would say. OH! I just remembered something about it if you take ACV a lot or frequently, you should probably use a straw because it's acidity has a tendency to wear down tooth enamel. Not sexy. Yeah, it was like ten years ago when that study happened. I also know green tea before your workout is supposed to be good. For me personally, I'd rather have it in the morning because of dat female bladder. XD

Yeah, there's a lot of options kickin' around out there. Next to ACV is like coconut oil for fighting off stuff and various things. I use coconut oil for cooking, and sometimes take it with food. I also use it on my hair and it's very practical for DIY makeup or that kinda thing. It has a high burn temp. So it's easier to cook with than olive oil which I find burns easily if you're not careful. I'm not that well-versed in stuff, so I'm basically just throwin' out stuff I've seen. lol

Hope the week was good for you and all that. Take some time to chillax this weekend if you can. And that the training is going well, of course! It'll be interesting to see the results of your other exercise. I wish I could transfer my fat to you. XD One of mine is kind of general about being where you want to with your health. You don't have to share them with me, it's kinda nice to keep things to yourself sometimes. But I'm really glad you've got some focused intent that's working for you and you're taking your health into your own hands positively. Congratulations on that! Already got one off that list- well, like you said... if you did this last year. Non-alcoholic cheers to you!

I'm kinda busy doing my organizational behavior class right now, so I'll text-wall some more stuff in a bit about things. Like the talk of marriage counseling and the fact I got three recs to look over. Besides some other stuff. Things are going more positively lately, mostly in relation to the downtime after Puer's antics. I'm able to recuperate quicker and get on track again quicker these days. For a while I was in grief mode- but now I'm just angry with how he is and allows himself to be. I've been pretty forward with my psych about how I don't expect anything from this, especially a change in him. Part of me feels manipulative and selfish for doing this, but it's to a point where I can't even communicate simple needs. So I'm gonna need some kinda mediator to step in.

Well, little by little I'm getting better with things and being able to even go out on my own sooner than later- and with looking myself in the eye after a year or so with that list... I've focused positive intent into something real. Your circumstances now don't define who you are. I'm glad it's this way, that we can grow and change. That we're not Prometheus chain to a rock.

@CaloenasNicobarica Yo Miko! Kids go to bed around 10:30, give or take, on weekends - I'll look for ya later!

Thanks for the warning on the ACV. Trust me, though, I'm not intending to make it a regular thing. I was desperate to avoid a cold, but that stuff is naaaaasty. I diluted it with some water and I could barely get it down. It didn't sit too well, but it seems to have killed the cold virus, so as they say, 'the enemy of my enemy is my friend'.

I actually do have some coconut oil - it dates back to when my ex lived here, but I assume it doesn't really spoil. I'll check - that's an interesting alternative. I do cook with olive oil and I haven't had trouble with it burning, I don't think, but it's good to have something else to try.

Glad things are going better with you and hope to chat in a bit!

@BurkeDevlin

Hope the day finds you well. Today I got around to adding a little more to King Normalton, I'd say I'm halfway or so done with it. At the point where the Nightmarians plot to give King Normalton a taste of his own medicine via having the Normaltons invade Nightmaresville. I can post the unfinished story thus far if you're still interested. Not sure when I plan on finishing it right now. It's very spur of the moment. That Muse, you know! How's your literary progress? Hope inspiration smiles upon you.

Have had a tough day. Normalton himself is at home so that means conflict, usually. This time I said something about him telling me something wrong or different, and he freaked out on me. Said that I blamed him and *insert verbal diarrhea about how I'm evil and can only see things my way here*. I tried to talk to him, but you can't. So I just walked out after getting blamed for something that was kind of thoughtless and not directed as blaming him, and I would've apologized if it was handled in a not emotionally retarded and blame slinging kind of way. He was talking at me for five or so minutes after I left the room, demonizing and projecting. It gets so old. He ran off and sulked the entire day after this incident, then hid in his room listening to fantasy novels. Can't much more juvenile than that.

You know how it is. I mean, termagant and puer are strikingly similar creatures. These behaviors so colloquially named "crazy-making" are aptly named! Sometimes it's hard not to fall into the mire and think you ARE to blame, I cannot tell you how many times I've gotten slapped by the words "You don't have any perspective but your own." and variants. Happened today, in fact. Blah... sorry for the rant. I just had to say something somewhere about this or I feel like I would have my head explode.

Anyway. Because I simply feel like...I present to you the halfway finished work "King Normalton of Nightmaresville" for your reading pleasure!

King Normalton of Nightmaresville

One day in Nightmaresville, a certain haughty resident was making up a big stink about a town across the pond. For you see, Nightmaresville is very isolated. Practically an island and has limited contact with other nations or countries. The fellow in questions name was King Normalton of Nightmaresville as the other residents jokingly called him, but also what he insisted they call him himself.

King Normalton was giving one of his usual seminars or demonstrations as usual about his knowledge on the topic of Normalton which was very far away. These displays of "knowledge" or rather trivia were laughed at frequently by the other members of Nightmaresville for their sheer absurdity. The other residents didn't give a rip but still humored him, while some simply learned to ignore him. Occasionally one of the town drunks would wander by and sing a traditional Nightmaresville tune to block out King Normalton's lack of "patriotism". A spectacle which usually warranted informing others of.

Today, just like any other day in Nightmaresville... King Normalton was up to his usual antics, professing his absolute knowledge of Normalton and it's practices, culture, styles, and inhabitants. Even though King Normalton wore a small, lop-sided shining crown, he was still obviously a member of Nightmaresville no matter how hard he tried. The styles of Normalton(we think) looked rather awkward on him and lets not even get into how far from a member of Normalton he looked like in his garb and all.

For the countrymen of this noble borough of Nightmaresville were rather ghastly to look upon. Goblins, weremice, mangators, and even the impressive Koopersnockle took refuge here. The fashion of Normalton only served to make them more ghastly! Try as they might, the more willing Nightmarians at King Normalton's demonstrations merely got criticism and scoffs hurled their way by the "great" King.

"Hah and pshaw! You dare even attempt to wear that color when it is Wednesday! You MISS are a FOOL! A bumpkin! Be thankful your Highness is here to help you!" He huffed as young Ms. Jolak angrily tried to get into a large pink dress for the "wrong season".

"Well, that might look nice if you were to cut that horrid fang of yours off!" King Normalton trumpeted as he told off Mr. Sea Serpent, the fine.

Mr. Sea Serpent had no intention of cutting off his one good fang just to make some exotic fashion look more palatable to a troublesome wart.

The thunderous judgment of the King overtook the entire town of Nightmaresville.

Until one very dark and icy night in the late fall they came together in a secret town meeting under the guise of the Nightmaresville Folk Song and Brew Association. Mad cackles tore through the air as the citizens clanked their obsidian tankards. The Nightmarians celebrated most jovially. Displaying their traditional dances, folk operas, and drinking songs. The air was filled with the licentious scent of blooded mead and a wily chaos that permeated Nightmaresville itself.

...and the thrilling conclusion for later!

@CaloenasNicobarica I'm hearin' that subtext on FM, girl. Great story! So far. I know the thrilling conclusion will surely not disappoint.

I wanna be a weremouse for Halloween!

You write so well! I'm hooked and I mean that.

And please don't fall into that trap of letting him pin everything on you. Oh, I lived with it too. That kernel of doubt. "Well, maybe I am crazy and antisocial and unreasonable..." It's just manipulation.

I live with it still. Tonight she was supposed to drop the kids off here, but my daughter called me on her (the ex's) phone to say she's really tired and how about they just sleep at Mommy's tonight. I said no, it's their night with me. And I told my ex straight out on the phone and text that I didn't trust her and I didn't believe this was all coming from the kids. She insists that she isn't subtly trying to undermine me - but I don't trust her as far as I could spit a rat. Sad that I have to spend my kids' precious childhood watching my back from all this.

I need to kick myself in the pants and get this paperwork done.

Don't let the demon child get to you. I warrant that you are not evil.

I have been trying to toss around some ideas for literary non-fiction. Nothing's really sticking yet. I need to open my mind to the muse, I think. Something'll hit. I hope!

Have an awesome night! Talk to you soon!

@BurkeDevlin

Yay, I'm touched you think so found the story to be. I imagine a little zombie-esqe mouseling attired as a classic zombie- with pronounced fangs as well. Can't forget that. Seen a few pictures out there, but none of them come close to my vision of weremouse. Basically, the Nightmarians wear clothing from the early 1900s to the 1940s or 50s. Usually tattered, in very ill repair due to their features and activities. Some of them might look nicer than others as is in real life. I think Sea Serpent the fine has a nicely kept suit since he is kind of the town dandy. A heterosexual Oscar Wilde as a sea serpent. If I had illustrations, he would be mimicking his poses probably. XD

Hoo, you've been down this road, too. The manipulation. BS. Subtle jabs and controlling behavior. So frustrating. Sometimes I just shut down and go on autopilot and am not even aware. Because it's easier than dealing with the surmounting pain from their abuse. Your ex acts so according to the abuser script. It's just disgusting that she would manipulate and drag the children into it. I feel for you and for them as well. And yeah, we gotta keep not trusting these types of people. But what's kinda hard is making sure it doesn't pour over to everyone else. I had that problem awhile back- might not be a problem for you, though. I'm sorry you have to still experience her petty BS.

LOL I'm not evil! YAAAAAAY! Don't even have to pay a tithe or anything. XD

I found this article earlier about diffuse mode. Find that oftentimes I am VERY focused when I'm in my focused mode, so much so it burns me out and I have to take sometimes days at a time to let diffuse mode do its work. How does your thinking work?

http://calnewport.com/blog/2016/11/11/neil-gaimans-advice-to-writers-get-bored/

Hope today was a bit better for you. Sounds like we both had a frustrating kind of evening last night. *sighs* To top it off he went off with my sports car without telling me for an hour or two and then returned saying he needed to go out to clean it. C_C; That's why he left. And yeah, acted perfectly normal like nothing happened. How can this even... there was a blowup like last night where did the same thing 'cept went out for "lightbulbs" after he stormed out of the house. Like, seriously. Emotions or feelings. aren't tolerated or dealt with. BLAME BLAME BLAME. I didn't bother engaging them, but I still feel like I need some self-care time.

Have you been keeping up with self-care lately? OH! And good luck with your 5k! <3

Ciao for now!

@BurkeDevlin

DUDE! Was on r/learnprogramming and I found a post with a freakin' metric-ton of free Udemy classes! Sharin' the wealth with you and loading up my queue! <3

https://www.reddit.com/r/learnprogramming/comments/75ovw4/250_free_udemy_course_coupons/

@CaloenasNicobarica Hey you! Thanks for the coupons! You found the mother lode there. Who says Reddit is not a worthwhile place to visit?

I eagerly await the graphic novel version of 'King Normalton'. Imagine this illustrated by the late Jack Kirby. Weird creatures abound. Hopefully the Udemy (and other) classes won't delay the conclusion too much.

I guess I need to get myself more bored. My company's customers and my ex-wife do tend to conspire to keep my life interesting. Whatever am I going to do over Thanksgiving weekend with 4 free days? Maybe I'll find a way to get in that creative zone. Hey! Maybe I'll try and let my mind wander while I run. Solve two problems at once - kickstarting my writing career and keeping my mind off of the distance.

Speaking of which - I'm signed up for this weekend! My name is on the website and everything. 8:30 AM Saturday! I won't ask you to think of me as I hope to anything holy that you will be sleeping, but when you wake up, send some good vibes to my aching muscles.

My aching shoulder is a little better today - targeting Friday to get back to my strength training. I'll have to research how I can maybe modify the workout I do to be a little easier on the tendons. I did get some advice online. It just means so much to be to be getting back into physical shape - you can call it vanity or a mid-life crisis, I guess, but I'd be heartbroken if I lost the momentum. I don't know if anyone else notices, but my daughter said to me on the way into the store this weekend, "Dad, you're getting muscles!"

Self-care - thanks for asking. Dare I say, I think I am getting better at it? In addition to keeping up physically, I'm starting to put myself out into the world a little. The run, the show I'm working this weekend, the networking stuff. I'm trying to become someone I can be proud of again. I really didn't think I'd be able to. And who knows, maybe I can't after all. But I find myself trying. And I mean it when I say thank you for your friendship and encouragement. It really, truly helps. And I hope I do half as well by you. *Hugs*

Hey, you've got a clean sports car and a well-lit house, my friend - we take our victories where we can get them. Patience and strength.

Have a wonderful night and I'll talk to you soon!

@CaloenasNicobarica Thinking of you and I hope you had a nice and productive session today. Hugs of compassion if you need them, and good night hugs just for fun if you don't!

Crazy stressful day at work today, and my Friday is already jammed with phone calls today. Including two interviews. Really need to get some of that divorce stuff done, and I don't know why I'm putting it off. Fearing a showdown, maybe.

Cannot wait for the weekend! Hope you have a good one too.

@BurkeDevlin

NP! Was wandering around on figured some of them might be of use to you. I was laughing at the first comment on that Reddit post where they're saying that Udemy is crap and blahblahblah too cool for school. Only a few people said thanks at the time of reading that. I know the quality sometimes ain't too hot, but it can at least be used as a starting point for other topics. Not to mention incomplete coverage of subjects at times. But hey, free's free. Not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth. XD

I would love if some of my works got turned into graphic novels. Especially the more psychological ones. I dunno if I could resurrect Kirby through some kind of arcane methods and forbidden alchemy. Y'know how that ALWAYS goes well? XD Would love to see people's different imaginings of it. I seriously cannot draw. Little kids are stellar in comparison to my scribbles. lol

You seem pretty damn busy all the time with life circumstances and workyboo. Not sure how a human handles that amount of workflow, getting a lesson or article done in a day is good enough for me. But I do envy your productivity and am working my way to do more. Just don't wear yourself out too much! That sounds like a good idea for Thanksgiving. Reflection, diffusion. Christmas and Thanksgiving, that's pretty much how I spend them. Reflecting upon the happenings of the year and then thinking about them in relation to the future. Not to mention plenty of quiet creativity time and what not.

How has writing been going? I mean, you're busy with your training and tomorrow's the 5k! I'll be sending some good vibes since I'm usually up around those times, anyway. Those muscle're gonna need a serious rest. Not sure what kinda strength training you do and I don't know anything about it anymore, but yoga is pretty good for that kind of stuff. Y'know, I envision myself getting a bit more fit after my divorce, too. Not a mid-life crisis. A mid-life crisis is when you date someone half your age and buy a sports car. XD Seems to me it's just reshifting your focus onto your own health. You're seeing progress and so are others around you! Must be rewarding. <3

Sounds like you're doing good altogether! :) You've got a busy weekend. And NP. Friendship is always free to the right people. XD *huggle* It's been nice to have someone to speak with who is focusing on their health but not afraid to show their emotions or feelings in regards to their situation. We are pretty different people even though we're both pretty much nerds over here. Been nice to know that connections can be made and there are people out there. And that they are and can be decent people we can learn from. Not to mention solidarity and empathy on our matters. Hope to hassle for awhile still. XD

In regards to my session. It was pretty gorey. Some past stuff that was some of the most violent, but I'm working through it today. That's the thing! Working through, not around. Thanks for the hugs as always. <3 Hope today you can recover from all that stress and milling about that is thrust upon you by your work. I don't blame you for putting aside the divorce stuff, because you pretty much know what to expect. I'm the same way. Feel that way about marriage counseling right now... like, should I even bother calling them? I have a strong inclination of the result, and how the other party is so... X_X; Totally hear ya. But eventually, we gotta face the music. Plenty o' self-care, my friend.

Cheers to you! Will raise a Dew in your honor as I program and work on UI design tonight. Will try to have Normalton finished by the weekend just for you. Oh! Have you heard of Project Odin? Pretty wicked curriculum for free and well-rounded. They even cover pair-programming. If you want to attempt it for fun or something I'm just beginning. I know we can't give outside accounts, but hey it's a near curriculum for web dev stuff. I have a lot of fun with Web Dev even though I think Java/Android will be my main focus. ...Actually, kinda feel like I'm at that n00b area where it's WTF language should I even!? *foams at mouth* Blargag. Anyway, have a restful evening. I'll be on here if you wanna BS.

Ciao! And good luck! <3 Know you'll do great!

@CaloenasNicobarica Hey nerd sista. There's no wrong way to learn cool tech. I don't care what all those reprobates on Reddit say.

Had not heard of Project Odin! That's cool. Lemme take a look when I have time. I may catch up to ya.

And I get the 'OMG what language??' paralysis. My take on it, though, is that it doesn't so much matter. I mean, you don't want to pick something really niche or obscure - unless you just have a hankering to learn it. I mean, I taught myself 6502 Assembler before my daughter was born so I could pick apart old Atari games. But I really, really try, when hiring people, to focus less on the languages they know than on their programming competence in general, understanding of fundamentals, and intelligence and ability to lean. I mean, sometimes you just need JavaScript - or whatever. But learning a language (or DB, or framework, or IDE…) isn't or shouldn't be difficult for the kind of person I would want to hire, Does that make sense?

I haven't had much time to write, unfortunately. Work is just killing me. Today was another rough day, I've had to deliver bad news in multiple directions, and I'm starting to take a lot of heat. Some of it's fair - let's be honest, this has not been a mentally or emotionally healthy year for me, so you might imagine I haven't been capable of my best work. And some of it isn't - I really do get overloaded and I'm paying the long-term price for some short-term decisions that…were not my idea, let's say.

I feel like I'm being tested - hard - and not proving equal. My hope at this point is, if I make it to the end of the year (I mean at the company, not life!), the divorce goes smoothly, and I finally get a little recharge, I can come back to the challenge with a mental clean slate.

Hugs! Glad your session, though gory, seems to have been productive. <3 Eyes on the prize. Plenty o' self-care, indeed - you too, my friend!

More to come - I'm gonna try and get to bed soon. I need to get up super early to have a carb-laden breakfast before the race tomorrow. I picked up my packet tonight - got the T-shirt and all! Thanks so much for your support, it really means a lot.

Sleep well and catch you tomorrow!

@CaloenasNicobarica Hey, how is everything going? Did you finish that class this week?

I am trying to take the weekend to recover from my Boston trip. It was pretty intense all around. I woke up with a killer headache today, and my kids unfortunately were not cooperating. At one point my daughter dropped a bunch of boxes and trash in the living room in front of the stairs and told me, "I'm leaving that there because I'm going to use it later, and I don't want to hear it."

Uh, no. Not how things work here.

My sister called today with a business opportunity she needs a tech person for. I spent an hour giving her some advice and told her to call back in a couple of weeks to see if I'd been fired. If she needs actual help, I'll try, but I did tell her I have a divorce going on and my mental health is not so great.

Good news is my shoulder is feeling better. Getting back in the exercise routine. And got a lot of calories on the company's dime up in Boston!

Have a great night!

@BurkeDevlin

Oh Burkeyboo, been kinda AFK lately... I have things to say to you. You've been in my thoughts lately, even though I've been offa here. A mix between depression monster and misanthropy, some very dark thoughts. I hope you're doing well. But I'm a bit worried about you for several reasons. I know you're a grown man and can handle anything that is thrown at you, but we all have our weaknesses and society praises ignoring one's problems and feelings for the ease of appearing graceful and fulfilled. Appearing, but not necessarily being. Anyway, take care of yourself. Glad you got out a bit.

Passed my OB class, but coulda done better. Mainly high anxiety coupled with a possessed exercise bike making racket during my proctored exam. X_X; Thought they were gonna stop me because of that stupid noise- it's not my bike but some monstrosity puer picked up because random fitness inclination that is now long gone. I'm on UI Design right now, it's pretty easy for me just a lot of stuff to review and remember. Think I'll get a CIW cert from this but whatever. Feel pretty sick because I accidentally opened an e-mail from my advisor only to have it barf this stuff about how some dude with a newborn family to take care of ended up doing 106 credits in less than 6 months.

Needless to say, it's pretty demotivational for someone like me who doesn't have a stable environment and is working through some pretty thick mental stuff. Yeah, kinda have said this before... but still he spams this kinda stuff and says it's true devotion. BZZT-wrong. Still working up enough gall to tell him this doesn't work for me without seeming like a d-bag. I find it way more motivational when I hear about people's successes on here. Even if they're tiny steps or goals. Because they ARE learning, struggling, and growing. Not so sure about these other people that my school idolizes. Kinda like how high schools get all wide-eyed at the varsity and overachieving students- they already make them look good. A very narcissistic kind of view. Anyway, I'm trying to recover from quite a few things lately... and finish this class in time. However, I feel like if I were a drinking woman I'd throw back a couple and try to forget I ever looked at that stupid e-mail. Because SOME of us can't get nearly half of our credits and classes done in six months.

Anyway, I'll talk to you again sometime soon.

@CaloenasNicobarica Hey, I'd missed you! Nice to see you around. I understand about those dark thoughts, I get them too and sometimes go off to deal with them, but I'm very glad you've found your way back.

Please don't feel bad or demotivated in comparison to other students who may or may not even exist. Clearly the school is pressuring you to move through the program as quickly as possible so they can take your money and move on to the next one. If you're getting a lot of learning out of the arrangement, it's worth it to grit your teeth and bear it, just don't take that stuff to heart, OK?

I'm telling you as Burke, the Engineering Manager as well as Burke, your friend, that if someone came to me for a job and told me they had completed an entire computer science curriculum in less than 6 months (with a newborn!), I would laugh them right out of my office. There's just no way they learned even CS fundamentals in any depth. They are not ready for professional programming. If you broke a leg, would you see a doctor who had finished medical school in a 6-month sleep deprived state? If you were being sued, would you hire a lawyer who had gotten her JD in less than 6 months?

If you do decide to take it up with your advisor, you can quote me on that.

However your school's bean counters feel about it, you're doing it the right way, Nic. Taking your time, absorbing the material, and supplementing your learning with outside sources and projects of some depth. You'll be able to answer the interview questions that Speedy Gonzalez is going to flub. Again, you are totally doing it right, and I'm so impressed with how you continue to progress despite adversity. Don't feel bad for a moment.

It means so much to me that you're thinking of me, and thinking well of me. Thanks as always for all the good vibes! I did re-read my post, and should make clear that, "…call back in a couple of weeks to see if I'd been fired" was said mostly tongue-in-cheek. I don't think things are quite that bad! Just pretty stressful. I think (hope) a lot of the dominoes will fall into place once I can get this divorce signed off on. When I think about it, I think it's mostly the uncertainty that's keeping me in a bad state. Hopefully sailing will be smooth and then maybe I can start to rebuild a little.

Hey, this week I went to a recruitment event for a Philly-based theater group! Everyone was nice, I mean really nice. I can't really audition or do tech for the show because of my schedule, but I might well join up and find a way to contribute. I miss doing theater.

*HUGS* See you soon, hopefully this weekend. Have a great night!

@BurkeDevlin

Much to say Burkeyboo! Glad you met some awesomely nice people. <3 Gonna update tonight and hopefully be able to interact with you more lately. BTW feel free to ping me on here or via the feed- I'm usually available to BS about anything. Holidays comin' up. Can hardly believe this year is almost over. Anyway, got an appointment right now. Will continue this later. Sending my holiday wishes to you.

@CaloenasNicobarica Hey, you! Yes, we must chat. I look forward to hearing how things are going with you!

The holidays are definitely on the way. I went to the mall on an errand at lunch today, and all the Christmas stuff is out, music playing, the whole business. Are you a fan of the holidays? I know you said they are a reflective time for you, as they are for me. I refuse to get cynical about them, though. Part of me still enjoys the colors and lights and music, like I'm a little kid. It definitely doesn't hurt that I finally get some time off from work! A 4-day weekend feels like Heaven right now. And I'm taking off the week between Christmas and New Year's. There will be at least 2 days in there where I do nothing but what I feel like, with no guilt whatsoever.

I am going to Boston Thursday morning (early in the morning), hopefully for some final interviews that will lead to a hire into my group. This is to finally replace the guy who left in September. It's been a pretty grueling process. Boston's always nice, although this time I won't be in the city. Actually in a suburb where I used to live. (So I know where to get good Mexican!)

Oh, this weekend the kids and I went to a small comic-con near us, and also found a retro video game store. Totally geeked out. It was like walking back into 1982. Meanwhile, in 2017, my lawn still needs to get raked and garage cleaned out.

Ex is still driving me a little nuts, but whatever. I dare to believe that 2018 is going to be a better year. I deeply hope it is for you too.

@BurkeDevlin

Certainly! It's been ages since we've sat down and had a late night chat session. Not to mention some fun mathematical times. :)

IKR! All the glittery pretty trees, holiday tunes, etc. like you just said. I LOVE the holidays! Even though they are one of the hardest times for me in terms of working through my trauma and the like. Sometimes I can get pretty cynical over stuff... but I still love the base thing of the holidays. Food, presents, that fun and excited air of celebrating. Kinda similar to the fact that I'm still very much a little kid about things. I have a pretty good reaction to presents still. XD Wow, a 4-day weekend with the busiest Sir on the planet, eh?! Phenomenal! <3 You need to take it easy more often Mr. Burkeyboo!

Hoo... things've been a little somber for me. Lately, I've been working on some of the most fierce trauma. Stuff that lands me into "Crying the entire session land". That was the first time I did that and couldn't hold myself together. It was in regards to working with the bullying/scapegoating that occurred in my family and from others. Not to mention near Halloween is when my closest thing to a mother's birthday is. I can't remember when she died...but it was maybe the fall or winter. Just pretty messed up stuff- especially around what the family did to me. Anyway, I've also gone out to very lively and crowded places- though a little awkward...I can handle myself pretty well nowadays. Find that when I do my check-ins and talk to you and other folks on 7cups I do better socially in the ol' IRL. Not that on here isn't IRL, but you get my drift.

So dealing with puer has been rather strange lately. I mean, when isn't it? XD He's actually kinda been straightening up or something. C_c; It's weird. I guess bringing marriage counseling into it has already kinda did something? I'm still leery and not going to expect him to change. Change lies in the power of ourselves- and I just don't really see that happening. Maybe surface-wise or for a short time... but nah. I'm taking it as it comes. He's been okay to deal with but very bratty and entitled here and there. As for myself, I'm improving more and more. Just gotta address my work ethic/stamina, focus, and health routines. I wanna do more! Much more.

Y'know even with all that, I've actually bought him presents this year. I don't really have much money or any due to my situation, but it's shared kinda. I want my own money and bank account so bad. It's a weird thing to wish for, but I look forward to managing my own money and having a place in my name alone. Puer doesn't believe in that. X_X; It's like one of the most controlling behaviors in the book. Not cool. But it's not like I wouldn't be honest with someone in a relationship about those things if they got serious- within reason. Anyway, I got him a Keurig some MtG and Star Trek loot. It was fun shopping for him. But as the holidays are kind of a mixture. Very bittersweet. Certainly, a time of reflection as you said.

Ah! The interview stuff continues! Been wondering how that's goin' for ya. You guys must have a rigorous process for that or it's just been busy! Never thought to get good Mexican in Boston. XD Over here every other restaurant is a home-style Mexican restaurant. Grr! Want some Mexican pizza now. lol My advisor is gonna have a developer come for us to ask questions to. I need to respond to that e-mail... but everyone is asking about trends and buzz words. I'm not interested in those- machine learning is waaaay over my head right now. I do like AI and robotics stuff, though. Automation. One guy kept repeating the word sustainable over and over again and I flipped out at the screen. XD Oh lord... I asked stuff like the buzzword thing to you before, but now I feel like prying for more practical stuff. "What are the most useful skills you take for granted every day in your profession?" "What do you wish you would've learned as a beginning programmer that you ended up learning on the job?" Stuff like that. Hm? Do you think those're okay? Heck! I wouldn't mind if you asnwered in your AMA thread. lol

Wheee! Game stores. A place this Pigeon frequents. Dude, retro games get SUPER freakin' pricey. Nintendo released these NES/SNES reboots and they instantly sold out. SO SAD. I wanted them. Stupid neck-beards! *shakes fist* Alright, my rage is over. I have a couple NES consoles floating around and some games. A PS2/PS3/PSP. Used to have a Sega master system with the works. We have two bookshelves full of games new and old. It's a little sad. lol Sounds like you and the kids had some fun! I'll let you know if they do a re-release of the NES or SNES things so you can get one if you want. Hooking up the older systems is so fun. Sometimes you just want simple. Here. A fun video for you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYjgHLFZMa0

EPROM. LOLOLOL. Ahhh, nerds don't really change.... Though that one mom who offered to bake a pie was awesome. Feel like she'd be replaced by the angry yet vapid soccer mom who hurls Starbuck's holiday cups at the fellow.

Of course she is. Feel like folks like that get way worse during the holidays. Like some switch is flipped and it's OH! Sweet destruction and mayhem time! Scary. Many family memories, and puer doesn't exactly make things inviting at times. Not to mention the looming cursed inlaw cloud. I don't deal with them anymore, but puer usually has miasma dripping off of him from dealing with them. Extra poisonous time, but like you...trying to make the best of it. AND YOU ARE DAMN RIGHT! It will be a better year! I'll non-alcoholicly toast to that! Wish I could get you a present, but 7cups rules and all. Maybe I'll post you a card on here or a hand-written letter. And thanks! Hope it's profitable in many ways for you.

@CaloenasNicobarica Oh, I didn't tell you the NES Classic story. So last year they came out and were one of the popular 'things' that no one could keep in stock, but my ex had gone out on Black Friday and gotten one for the kids to give to me. This is after we'd agreed to split but before she moved out, so we were still in the same house. However - she later sold it to one of her co-workers to spite me because I insisted on taking the week after Christmas off to spend with the kids. She'd wanted them to herself that week. So she made sure to bring up that I was going to get an NES Classic, but since I 'stole her vacation', now I wasn't.

So that's why I don't have an NES Classic. Oh well. I have plenty of things to do.

That video was great! Now I know I've seen that guy on something else, and I can't for the life of me remember what.

Retro games can definitely be pricey, but we got some good deals. My son got a Spider-Man PS2 game. (PS2 is 'retro'? I'm gonna cry.) When I was learning 6502 assembler to program the Atari, I was on some forums and there were people discussing vintage game collecting, which made me want to get into it. At the time I thought maybe when I had some space (I was in my bachelor pad at the time, no room even for my comics, which were still in Mom's attic), I would do that. Now I could make the space but don't really have the funds. Maybe when I have the ex paid off in a few years - although then college will be looming!

I will definitely make some time to answer those questions as best I can! Please remind me if I'm slow. I'd do it tonight, but I have to get to bed shortly as I will be up at a very ungodly hour tomorrow to catch that plane. Just took my sleeping pills so I don't psyche myself into being awake all night - which has happened.

I'm glad things have gotten better for you lately, or at least that you've gotten a break. I'm glad you're looking forward to the holidays, even though the associations aren't all positive. Please plan to come join me here for a Christmas chat, if you can and would like. The kids will be here to open their presents, but they won't be here all day, and I'll have no other plans. That would be the nicest present I could get from you.

Well, winging it to Boston tomorrow and I must pack - sweet dreams!

@CaloenasNicobarica Hey Pigeon! Back from Boston - no impromptu dates this time, just a whole bunch of interviews that will hopefully bring me a new team member shortly. I did have some Colombian Fudge Explosion ice cream at Lizzy's in Waltham, which might be the best ice cream parlor on the planet. Worthy of taking a selfie in front of it.

Not so much sleep, though. And if you get divorced in NJ and have kids, you have to complete this long online class, which took up a lot of my spare time this week. Personally I enjoyed taking AI algorithms much more, but at least this is one step forward on my own personal Freedom Trail.

How are your classes going? How about the counseling? Sending you some good vibes across the continent!

@BurkeDevlin

Hooo. Burkeyboo. I just passed with a 90/100. No webcam issues or crashing! Whee! I'm free for now save the speaking with my term break counseling and my advisor. Holy carp that was down to the wire. And YAY! I qualify for my financial aid. Oh man, we gotta sit down and chat one of these days. Soon! So feel free to tag me on here whenever- or I can bother at you at the usual later hours. Believe our little thread needs a new post from me to help decorate for the holidays.

Anyway, I hope things are going well for you. I know the holidays can be a tricky time when you deal with certain people, but so far I'm trying to have fun with it. We talked about it before, gotta enjoy the holidays and stuff with a child-like wonder or some such thing. XD I got a box of chocolates today for passing my exam. I gotta wonder if my advisor had bets running on if I'd pass or something lolol.

Happy Holidays to you, Mr. Burkey! Got some reading/catching up to do with you. :)

@CaloenasNicobarica Congratulations!! With the strong finish and financial aid, you must feel like a huge weight is off your shoulders. A box of chocolates sounds like a perfect celebration to me. I actually have a carton of Belgian Chocolate in the house right now, and I may just eat the whole carton if no one stops me. Seriously, way to go and I am so proud of you.

How was your Thanksgiving? What did you do, anything? The kids were with my ex, so I did nothing. I ate chili. I am just so glad to be off for 4 days, though, believe me, I didn't care. I really needed this break, even though I just spent a couple of hours catching up on some work and have a bit more to do tomorrow.

I was remembering back to earlier Thanksgivings and the traditions we had, we used to drive up to my grandmother's in Jersey City. And I used to dread that drive, because my sisters all insisted on listening to 'Alice's Restaurant' on the radio. Nic, I hate that song. I can't even articulate why, exactly, but it annoys the hell out of me. And it's like an hour long. It would take us halfway up the turnpike. Every year I want to send a Christmas card to whomever invented the Walkman. Saved my life.

Speaking of the holidays - the kids came here Thursday night and left this morning. (With a brief coda when my irate ex brought my son back in tears because she thought he'd left his hat here - he hadn't - nothing like your 7-year-old clinging to you in fear while his mom screams at him. And she has the nerve to insinuate that the kids cry when they have to come here and don't want to stay. BS.) Last night, the 3 of us put Christmas songs on the digital TV station and just talked for two hours before bed. About our favorite Christmas traditions, and ones we want to establish in the future. I love those moments of relaxation and bonding with them, without a million other things that need to get done. This morning we woke up and had pancakes. It was really, really nice.

Let's see, what else is going on…I hired someone for the Boston office, finally. He starts on 12/11, so until I get another headcount I don't have to worry about recruiting for awhile. I do have to go to Atlanta next Sunday - Tuesday for a management offsite. Not much else - looking forward to that Christmas break!

And looking forward to talking to you soon! Now that you are basking in your 90/100 glory. Catch you tomorrow or during the week, maybe.

Have a great night and congratulations again!

@BurkeDevlin

Hoo! Thanks! XD It totally is. LOL The box I got was also Belgian chocolates! OMG There's so many, and two layers. They're good quality, the kind where it's hard to eat them all at once. I've had a handful of them already- but I've SO got to stop myself from eating one each time I pass by it. Can sympathize!

Thanksgiving was good, no blowups or anything like that. Made some food, just a little bit since I usually don't have anyone over- just me and puer. Sometimes he goes over to his family's. I remember MIL tried to put Thanksgiving for the cult on me at one point. Yeah- gonna cook for everyone that hates me. Pretty g-damned logical. e_e; Glad I have the ovaries to say no. lol Anyway, watched some Macguyver and it was pretty chill. The day after I don't do Black Friday stuff- we usually get a tree and go to Taco Bell. Yes. That IS a tradition. XD Dude! They outlawed chainsaws at the lot we got to, in the northwest where I live EVERY guy has a chainsaw and there's a lot of U-cut places. But some insurance thing. Hmm... it was still very... lonely. You can't really be close to such people when they are so poisonous and far away even when things go "well" with them.

Glad you were able to get some breathing room! Good lord, you deserve a break. I hope the chili was at least tasty! Your work seems to not leave your side. I hope you take a real vacation where you're not called every so often for technical explosions or playing catchup. It feels so good to be able to just do simply nothing or what you really want to sans obligations! But...I do get my situation is quite a bit different.

LOLOL OMG Alice's Restaurant. One of those talking country songs. Y'know... it's like the drawling incessance of how a rather self-absorbed or narcissistic person is. How it goes on and on ad nauseum. It's cute the first or second times. But geez. I can def sympathize with you! The gent who invented the Walkman was a very industrious fellow. Nobutoshi Kihara would have prototypes available practically the next day or the day of discussing an idea. He worked on a lot of useful stuff. So glad I never had any siblings. XD

Nothing like an irate ex to put the resentment of ol' St. Nick in ya. The more you mention about her she is very much like my own mom. However, even though there was that unpleasantness, I'm glad you were able to at least see them and chill holiday style. It's fun to establish new traditions and speak about the older ones that are favorable. Y'know what's funny... we got a Costco membership the other day and I got bingo-ed at checkout because of our industrial-sized bag of pancake mix. Asked if we had children and I got pretty silent. Puer managed to divert with "It's a Sunday tradition." without insinuating anything further. XD Tis the season for apparently only parents to celebrate. I just say the cats are kids, anyway. lol But there is a definite kinda "magic" with the wonder of children at these times of year. One that should be mirrored in enthusiasm by adults. My personal opinion, of course. But I do get how the holidays can be hard.

So...I did something miraculous. Dunno if I ever mentioned this. But I never do very well at strategy games against people. Against computers, okay. But... I actually beat puer in a game of Risk. We were watching MacGuyver for our holiday stuff with random holiday fireplaces in between. After I beat him he complimented me and then had the nerve to insult me by saying I was horrible to play with before because I'd get so frustrated. So yeah, Risk + Malignant Narcissist = Frustration to say the least. All I said was I'm changing. I wanted to share a couple articles with you. Ones that had little keys to me realizing stuff about who I'm dealing with that may be helpful to you. If anything, I'm learning to keep cool and navigate BS properly.

https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/

https://www.chumplady.com/2014/09/the-mindfuck-channel-only-has-three-stations/

What I've learned so far: Don't listen to the content in their mindf***ery. Find out why you felt the need to stay with them or put up with their BS. Don't focus on trying to "fix things" but about healing and caring for yourself. Don't let them overtake your life by letting them live in your head, even though they are so freakin' obnoxious. That's what they want.
"Remember: toxic people dont argue with you, they essentially argue with themselves and you become privy to their long, draining monologues. They thrive off the drama and they live for it. Each and every time you attempt to provide a point that counters their ridiculous assertions, you feed them supply. Dont feed the narcissists supply – rather, supply yourself with the confirmation that their abusive behavior is the problem, not you. Cut the interaction short as soon as you anticipate it escalating and use your energy on some decadent self-care instead." From the Thoughtcatalog article above.

Anyway, hope those're useful to you.

Wow, you always sound so busy. It took awhile for that person to get hired...then again I'm kinda a lifen00b so maybe not? Glad you finally got someone there to fill the gaps. Hope your Christmas break will be restful. <3

OH! Shiat. I just remembered. I'm on break but I'm struggling with what learning resources to use. Whether I should stick to LPTHW or my comp science course. Feel like I do better with LPTHW because in the comp science course you use an interpreter within the course. Whereas I have more freedom with LPTHW because it's using my own editor and shell for execution. They also throw you right into it whereas the comp sci one is pretty slow with it but includes cool historical tidbits. Meow. I also ordered a math book. I ordered the one that was older but I think the one you told me to get was the newer one where it was the yellow workbook on Amazon. I plan on buying a care-package for myself after the holidays, so I can get it later I guess. So many things to do, so little time!

Look forward to seeing more of you again!

@CaloenasNicobarica Thank you so much for the links and advice there. What you wrote was exactly what I need to remind myself at this moment. You are so right about people like that thriving on the drama and the conflict. That is my ex in a nutshell. If she can't corner me in person or on the phone, she'll send these long emails full of not only rants and insults, but little digs to try and prod me into fighting back and getting into it with her.

It took me a long time to understand the mindset of someone who breathes conflict like oxygen, the way she does. I'm still not sure I do, but at least now I can take a few deep breaths, remind myself, as you say, that her behavior is the problem, not me, and cut off the oxygen supply. Some days it's not easy! But if I'm going to build my life back up, I've got to stop giving her space in my head.

Seriously, I really appreciate you and your support.

Congratulations on your well-earned conquest of Puer, even if only at the Risk board. Yeah, you're 'horrible to play with' - because you kicked his butt! It is actually nice that you guys can do stuff like that and celebrate holidays together in spite of the problems you're having.

And OMG, after 25 years, you may have pinned down as well as anyone why I can't stand "Alice's Restaurant". Don't get me wrong, I'm all about peace and love and sticking it to the Man, but does half an hour of hippie stream-of-consciousness really need to be experienced every single year? It's like you pulled that out of my head. No wonder you're such a brilliant writer.

Yeah, it did take awhile to hire that guy. It's how it goes, though. It's a delicate operation you have to get right. I just found out I may be getting another headcount as soon as January, so I may get to do it all over again! Expanding the group is good, though - as long as the sales keep rolling in to pay for it.

Hey, guess what? The kids and I are going to NYC tomorrow! Bright and early, so -looks at the clock- I should get to bed soon. But we are so excited. My son has never been there. We did take my daughter to the American Girl store there for her 7th birthday. We have tickets to an off-Broadway show! They also want to see Times Square and the Lego store and we should have time to see the tree at Rockefeller Center all lit up. I will try and get some pictures. Maybe with my daughter's phone, which is more capable than mine.

Then Sunday I have to fly to Atlanta for a management offsite, coming back Tuesday. Joy.

I hope you're enjoying your break, and I'm very impressed that you're continuing to sharpen your Python skills. Can you use both LPTHW and the online course?

Talk to you soon!