A little thing like a diary

October 13th, sunday.

It's 11 01 am as i'm writing this. I was rudely awakened at 9 50am by my brother throwing my favourite plush toy in my face. I feel guilty. I ate too much yesterday and today i'm eating again. But what can i say? mcdonald's hashbrowns are sinfully good and i can't get enough.

Sometimes i really question my existence. Would my friends really care if i was gone? Do i mean anything at all? The thoughts make me frown a lot. I never seem to be happy anymore. Yes, i laugh, yes i smile, but... i'm not happy. It's 11 04. My brother just kicked me under the table.

I don't want to exist, but at the same time, i want to exist, i'm scared of the idea of non-existence in this world. No worries, i'm not suicidal, i promised myself to always be alive as long as i have new music to wait for. And i do. 5sos4 and LT1 are on their way and i'm gonna wait. I have a bucket list yet to tick off and imma be here to complete that.

My mood: not very good, but not very bad. Like it always has been. My meds control me to a certain extent, i guess. I don't really feel the extremities that i know my moods can go to anymore. But i'm not sure i want them to be controlled.

I'm really confused about myself. I don't know what i want. Can someone help?

It's almost 11 11. I'm going to make a wish. I'll be back.

I'm back again.

I feel like i'm choking on air, i feel the weight of it on my chest, trying to force my lungs out. This isn't normal. I feel so upset today for some reason. I feel so incapacitated.

Everything's a blur. What did i do just now? I don't know, i don't remember. Was me seeing some daisies by the side of the road today or yesterday? I'm not sure. All the things i've done have become a mess, a bundle of emotion and i don't know what to do with it, don't know how to start untangling the mess which is me.

Time is weird. The sixth dimension, or is it the fifth? It seems to adjust to my perception at any given point. It seems to drag on and on sometimes, but at the end of the day, i look up and question where the time went. My youth is slipping away. I feel trapped. I don't want to be where i am, but i don't want to be anywhere else either.

I'm glad for this thread, it helps me put my emotions somewhere. I might be back again today.

Oh no i screwed up, pretend you guys didn't see that

@menigma

I know that chatrooms have a rule against linking your Listener and Member accounts together. I'd assume the same thing applies to forum posts?
https://www.7cups.com/wiki/chatroom-rules/

9. Please refrain from revealing any other Listener, Member or Guest account that you own other than the one you are currently using.

It might be worthwhile to save a copy of what you're written, ask a Forum Mentor to delete the post, and then re-post it from the right account.
https://www.7cups.com/BrowseListeners/?badge=108