Getting My Insomnia Story Off My Chest

Hello out there. I'm really, really tired and I have six hours before I need to get up. I have had a long day, my eyelids are drooping, my legs ache, my head is heavy. But when I lie down, it just won't come.

Not once in my life have I been able to get enough sleep without medication. My mom has often told me that I didn't sleep through the night until I was two years old. I remember being four, lying awake and staring at the ceiling. I remember being eight, reading book after book and letting them fall to the floor beside my bed, trying to wear my eyes out enough that I wanted to close them. I remember being eleven and begging my parents to let me talk to a doctor about my sleepless nights. (They told me later, when I was older, that they were worried that a doctor would just try to put me on meds and they didn't want that at my young age.)

My insomnia has never been so severe that I went days without sleep--there was seldom a night when I didn't get at least an hour or two. But I cannot remember a time when lack of sleep has not weighed on me. During middle school and my first few years of high school, I probably averaged around four to six hours a night, depending on stress level (stress, obviously, amplified things). No matter how tired I was, I couldn't get to sleep at night. I would close my eyes, put on soothing music, turn off all the lights, and lie immobile, but my brain kept going. I've often likened my insomnia brain to a hamster wheel: It feels like it keeps turning and turning, faster and faster, but it goes nowhere. I'm not really thinking about anything, it just...buzzes.

In high school I became known among my peers and teachers for falling asleep in class. In my junior year I had some other mental health issues and finally saw a doctor and a therapist and I was prescribed medication for the insomnia. It was the only time I have ever been able to get regular, deep sleep. I was taken off it in the middle of the year, put back on it when I started falling asleep in class again, and taken off it again last year (my freshman year of college). I could tell that my system was starting to get used to it; the effect it had on me wasn't as strong as it had been before. Also, for the first time, I was sleeping relatively okay (probably because college was wearing me out so much). My sleep habits weren't the best and I still felt tired a lot, but it wasn't any different than any other college student I knew.

But this summer it's been really bad. I am so tired right now and all I want to do is sleep. My brain won't turn off. I'm afraid I'll never be able to sleep like a normal person. I'm afraid I'll never be able to sleep properly without medication. I feel a little guilty for wanting my meds back--but I still really, really want them back.

I'm sorry I've been rambling so much. I needed to rant a little, and maybe since this bit is out of my head there's less that'll be tumbling around in there while I try to sleep again. Goodnight friends. Thanks for listening.