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RosyOctopus
67,996 M Big Steps 1
PathStep 137 Compassion hearts7,368 Forum posts135 Forum upvotes154 Current upvotes154 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2024 Member sinceNovember 9, 2015
Bio
Writer of stories. Giver of hugs. Baker of cookies.
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General Support / by RosyOctopus
Last post
 July 27th, 2017
...See more Hello everybody. I have a problem that doesn't sound like a problem: I'm very self-aware of my own mental health. Let me explain. For the past couple weeks, I have felt myself starting to fall apart. I've been crying for no reason, losing my motivation, my anxiety's gotten worse, I can't breathe, I've been scratching my arms to the point of drawing blood, and when I'm home alone I scream obscenities at nothing and rip up cardboard boxes. I feel like everything I care about is being stripped away from me piece by piece and I feel empty inside. I KNOW that these are all classic signs of depression, with dashes of anxiety thrown in just for fun. The problem is that, whenever I try to talk to someone, I can give very clear explanations for why I act the way I do and why I feel the way I feel. I scratch my arms because I feel empty inside, or because it gives my nervous hands something destructive to do during a panic attack (during panic attacks I get the urge to rip things up, etc). I can't breathe because anxiety. I scream and tear boxes because it helps with the release of frustration. The reason I'm losing my motivation is because I've had so much stripped away from me lately and it feels like nothing matters anymore. I know all this. I know myself very well. But because I know myself so well and can explain everything I feel so clearly, NOBODY LISTENS TO ME when I say that I need help. All they can say is that they admire how self-aware I am, and that it's the first step to doing something about it. Great. Glad to hear it. What's the next step? My therapist is constantly telling me how well I'm doing, and it's SO. VERY. INVALIDATING. Nobody will believe me when I tell them I'm falling apart at the seams and it's getting really, really lonely. I don't know what to do.
Getting My Insomnia Story Off My Chest
Healthy Living / by RosyOctopus
Last post
 July 23rd, 2016
...See more Hello out there. I'm really, really tired and I have six hours before I need to get up. I have had a long day, my eyelids are drooping, my legs ache, my head is heavy. But when I lie down, it just won't come. Not once in my life have I been able to get enough sleep without medication. My mom has often told me that I didn't sleep through the night until I was two years old. I remember being four, lying awake and staring at the ceiling. I remember being eight, reading book after book and letting them fall to the floor beside my bed, trying to wear my eyes out enough that I wanted to close them. I remember being eleven and begging my parents to let me talk to a doctor about my sleepless nights. (They told me later, when I was older, that they were worried that a doctor would just try to put me on meds and they didn't want that at my young age.) My insomnia has never been so severe that I went days without sleep--there was seldom a night when I didn't get at least an hour or two. But I cannot remember a time when lack of sleep has not weighed on me. During middle school and my first few years of high school, I probably averaged around four to six hours a night, depending on stress level (stress, obviously, amplified things). No matter how tired I was, I couldn't get to sleep at night. I would close my eyes, put on soothing music, turn off all the lights, and lie immobile, but my brain kept going. I've often likened my insomnia brain to a hamster wheel: It feels like it keeps turning and turning, faster and faster, but it goes nowhere. I'm not really thinking about anything, it just...buzzes. In high school I became known among my peers and teachers for falling asleep in class. In my junior year I had some other mental health issues and finally saw a doctor and a therapist and I was prescribed medication for the insomnia. It was the only time I have ever been able to get regular, deep sleep. I was taken off it in the middle of the year, put back on it when I started falling asleep in class again, and taken off it again last year (my freshman year of college). I could tell that my system was starting to get used to it; the effect it had on me wasn't as strong as it had been before. Also, for the first time, I was sleeping relatively okay (probably because college was wearing me out so much). My sleep habits weren't the best and I still felt tired a lot, but it wasn't any different than any other college student I knew. But this summer it's been really bad. I am so tired right now and all I want to do is sleep. My brain won't turn off. I'm afraid I'll never be able to sleep like a normal person. I'm afraid I'll never be able to sleep properly without medication. I feel a little guilty for wanting my meds back--but I still really, really want them back. I'm sorry I've been rambling so much. I needed to rant a little, and maybe since this bit is out of my head there's less that'll be tumbling around in there while I try to sleep again. Goodnight friends. Thanks for listening.
Looking for an occasional listener
General Support / by RosyOctopus
Last post
 June 5th, 2016
...See more I'm looking for someone I can talk to about challenges I face with anxiety (usually social, sometimes academic or general life-decisions anxiety), also challenges in a long distance relationship as well as being my bf's support system (he struggles with depression). Not necessarily looking to talk every single day, just would like to be able to have someone I can message whenever I'm struggling to help me get through the tough moments.
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