Journal with Me?

Recently I saw a video to help me journal, and one of the suggestions were to write an alternative to my situation to see how I actually wanted it handled, how different it would be, and how it reflects what I value.

My mind is such a mess, so I didn't realize I was already unconsciously doing that in my own stories lol.

In one of my stories, there is a girl with a lot of flaws. I tried to make her awful, selfish, and arrogant, and ended up with a broken woman who achieved a lot, who loved much more, but was afraid of trusting anyone. There was guilt, there was regret, there was shame. She did not have peace.

The difference between her and I was the fact that she knew how to talk, she was very good at speaking her mind, but she did not have a filter. She didn't know how to listen, she just listened to what she wanted to hear. She presumed to have the best intentions, but failed to realize how manipulative she was, and if she did know, she didn't care.

She kept repeating mistakes due to her pride, and when she tried to repent for her wrongdoings, she didn't realize how badly she went about it. She wasn't humble in the slightest, and she didn't even know what she wanted.

Making this story, made me realize, that she was slowly starting to learn to be me. The whole point in making her this terrible was to make her grow, and that lead to me realizing my own good points.

Character + Me = Me but better

At some point of my life, I wanted to be an awful person just like her, but that's just the bitterness talking. I'm not trying to override my flaws, in fact, sometimes I see myself as this awful, manipulative person who tries to do good, but is not inherently good.

Then I realize, I'm too sad to try to be manipulative lol, people drain me, my own family drains me. But the flaws are still there, and the good things are still here. I just need to keep going in order to make it a habit. Practice, practice, fail, practice. I might not be a good person, but I can try to be one, and the first person will be me.

-Wheezing in laughter-

It sounds selfish, but it's really not.

I wanted to be this girl because it looked like she knew what to do, then I realized that she really didn't and it wasn't okay because she didn't see that. I don't need to know, I don't even need to pretend to know. I am but a speck of a universe, but I am not alone. I don't know anything, and that's okay, because I am not alone in this.

And that just makes the tension and anxiety and overwhelming loneliness drain away.

Does anyone else do this? Write stories like this? Write characters and villains that are absolutely awesome, but in real life, you would either hate/love them?

Or journal an entirely different way?

My cat is just messing with my computer as I write this btw. Help. But also don't help, because his paws are so cute and playfully tapping my hand, and I am in love with him 😍😍😍

Cuddles from my boy~

P.S. She is chillin' like a villain.