Sharing My Group Support Sessions for Grief

@Jaeteuk that's very nice of you, it would be helpful to share what you've been learning from that group. Hopefully you can be heard and receive what you need. I didn't know you lost your grandma recently so my condolences Jaeteuk. And I hope you can get more hugs! They do make things a little better 🫂 

@Jaeteuk I'm very sorry for your loss and I hope that you will be okay soon. Sending you lots of ❤️🤗 to help you to feel better. 

Although this is a Christian-based program, since I am not religious myself, I will not share anything regarding Bible verses.

1st Video Session

Topic: Is This Normal?

- Grief is the natural response to significant loss. Grief is difficult because it affects all aspects of your life. Processing your grief takes time, but you will be okay.

1. Grief affects everything: Affects you physically, mentally, and emotionally. First, recognize the many ways grief is affecting you. Then, take your grieving process day by day, at your own pace. 

Questions to ask yourself: How has grief affected you physically and emotionally? How has it affected other areas of your life (e.g., job, relationships)?

2. Unraveling your tangled emotions: In order to sort through the mess of emotions, you must first identify, or recognize, which emotions you're experiencing. Make a list of "common responses to the death of a loved one". Grief is exhausting. Some days you can't muster the energy to do much of anything. Your concentration and memory might be out the window. You may even feel like you're losing your mind. Grieving can wear you out, and that's normal.

Questions to ask yourself: What does your grief look and feel like? Describe your energy level and how it's affecting your daily life. 

Remember: It's normal (and okay!) if you don't function at 100% right now.

Start journaling. Journaling helps calm your inner storm. It takes the thoughts and feelings out of your head and puts them on paper, allowing you to sort through them in a tangible way. It helps your think more clearly and problem-solve. Simply jot down what you're thinking or feeling in a notebook (either paper or electronic). As you write, your journal becomes a record of your journey, and reviewing it allows you to track your progress and growth.

Possible writing prompts: Describe what you miss most about your loved one. Suppose you were going to write a letter to a friend, to prepare him or her for grieving, what would you tell your friend to expect? What cautions might you include?

As promised from the Grief Awareness Week chats before, Obs. Here I'll be sharing things I've learned in my sessions from GriefShare program.

@ASilentObserver

For any other members who are interested in being tagged to my updates, please let me know below.

Session #2: Your Grief Journey

Your unique circumstances: The closeness of the relationship. The suddenness of the death. Your stage in life. The influence of family and culture.

Your grief style: External grievers (focused on emotions and talking). Internal grievers (focused on problems to solve).

Scattered brain? How to stay focused:

1. Write it down: You can't expect yourself to remember everything, so it helps to get things out of your mind and onto paper or your phone. Writing a to-do list relieves some of the stress, because you no longer have to try and remember everything.
2. Tackle tasks, not projects: Sometimes you can get bogged down because you put projects on your to-do list instead of tasks. Break down large projects to manageable tasks. For example, instead of "clean my house", make it to "sweep the kitchen on Monday" or "wipe down the bathroom on Tuesday", etc.
3. Prioritize by importance: Sometimes unexpected, more pressing responsibilities keep us from doing regular tasks that are important. Be sure to plan time for tasks that will benefit you long term, like exercising, preparing healthy meals, spending time with people you care about, etc.
4. Chart your to-do list: It can help to put your to-dos in a chart that includes when you're need to do them (today, this month) and the resources you need to get the done (money, supplies, babysitter).

Finding Comfort: The way you find comfort is unique too. Maybe you seek comfort in: spending time with loved ones, working, eating, social media, exercising, watching TV, going shopping, etc. Doing anything to numb the pain.

• What types of things do you find comforting? List as many things as you can think of.
• What things have you done in attempt to relieve the pain that were not good choices? If you continue along those paths, describe what your mental and emotional state may look like in three months.

Remember: Turning to unhealthy things for comfort creates more complications in your life and makes it harder to handle grief. 

When People Try to Rush You: Because most people truly don't understand the depth of your grief, they may make comments that cause you to feel the need to hurry up and get past your grief and pain. Do not let people rush you. They are not the authority on your grief. It's important to grieve, to feel the emotions and work through the changes --> at your own pace.

1. Describe when you've felt rushed or pressured by someone to get through your grief.
2. When your friends have made comments that are causing you to feel pressured to "move on" from your grief. What would you say to your friend?

Dealing With Emotions: Loneliness, anger, and fear are common in grief. But in order to find relief, at some point, you'll need to start recognizing and taking steps to work through these emotions. (It's okay if you're not ready to work through these emotions just yet).

1. If you're angry, what situation or person do you think has been unfair or unjust?
2. If you're afraid, what danger(s) do you fear?
3. If you're sad, what are some specific things you'll miss because of your loss?

Knowing the purposes of your emotions help you (1) change your perspective on them and (2) start to manage them in a way that moves you toward relief and comfort.

Tracking your Emotions --> Writing it down:

• Describe how your emotions have changed and fluctuated this week.
• Describe what helped you deal with the reality of your loss this week (e.g. talking about your feelings, working on a remembrance project, looking at pictures, gardening, etc). How was that helpful?

Session #3: Loneliness and Sadness

Sometimes it might feel easier or even comforting to be alone, but isolation can quickly turn into loneliness.

1. It's hard to be around people: People might invite you to spend time with them. Part of you wants to go, but staying home just sounds easier. Then you won't have to "put on a happy face," deal with awkward moments, or confront a new reminder of your loved one's absence.
2.  Adjusting: As you make adjustments in your life after loss, there will be two main types of changes to consider. (a) Relationships: Creates changes in your social network. You need other people in your life both to receive their help when you need it and, eventually, to offer them help when they need it. However, the people you reach out to might not be the ones you were closest to before your loved one's death, but there are people out there who want to help. Such connections are a source of stability in your life. (b) Roles/Skills: If your loved one lived (or worked) with you, you may need to change or expand your daily and weekly roles. This might mean learning new skills, such as handling finances, lawn care, or cooking. While learning new skills is challenging, it can also spark your continuing development as a person. Changing your roles will also be true if the person was someone you took care of (such as a child or a chronically ill person); you may find yourself at a loss because you suddenly have too much time on your hands -- consider what adjustments are needed: Think of someone you don't normally interact with who might be able to understand what you're going through. What tasks or responsibilities did your loved one handle for you? Who might be able to help you learn a new skill you'll need? What roles did you have when your loved one was living that you no longer have now? What might you be able to do that you didn't have time for earlier?
3. I feel hopeless. What now?: You had special plans with your loved one and looked forward to future days and events. Since the death, you may feel those dreams and plans have shattered. Maybe you're feeling abandoned or misunderstood by friends or family. Or you're in financial straits. Or you need to leave your home and move. Trying to face all these difficulties at once is no doubt overwhelming. At times it may seem pointless or hopeless to go on. (a) Hope is possible: The comforting fact is, other people have gone through the struggles you're facing and made it to a place where the feelings aren't so intense. They've found help through seemingly impossible situations, and found guidance for making important decisions. Knowing that other people have been in this same place is an important reminder that hope is possible, even now. What you need is a different point of view to see you way out of the darkness and chaos in your life.
4. Healing Through Writing: Learning from solitude. How has your loved one's death affected your relationships? Have you struggled to unburden your heart since the death? What makes it hard to do so? 

Session #4: Self-Care

10 Tips for Better Rest:

1. Be Consistent - Keep a consistent schedule. Get up at the same time every day, even on weekends or during vacations
2. Don't Fight it - If you don't fall asleep after 20 minutes, get out of bed
3. Develop a Routine - Establish a relaxing bedtime routine (eg, play soothing or comforting music)
4. Unplug - Turn off electronic devices at least 30 minutes before bedtime
5. Create a Device-free Zone - Avoid using your phone, tablet, computer, or TV after lying down for the night
6. Set the Stage - Make your bedroom ideal for sleep. Keep it quiet and relaxing, and keep the room at a comfortable, cool temperature
7. Eat Early - Don't eat a large meal before bedtime. If you're hungry at night, eat a light, healthy snack
8. Stay Fit - Exercise regularly and maintain a healthy diet
9. Cut off Caffeine - Avoid consuming caffeine in the late afternoon or evening
10. Reduce Restroom Runs - Drink fewer liquids before bedtime

Feeling Run-Down? Trying Changing your Menu:

Grief takes a toll on your mind and body. And right now you might not be thinking about what your body needs in order to stay strong. But if you neglect these things, your body won't be able to overcome the stress it's under.

Eat: colorful fruits and vegetables (dark green, red, orange, yellow), 2 to 3 cups a day.. Not eat: refined sugar (as in ice cream, baked goods, candy)

Eat: whole grains (including brown rice), 3 or more ounces a day.. Not eat: refined flour (as in baked goods, pastas), white rice

Eat: lean sources of protein like fish, seafood, yogurt, skinless chicken, 5 to 6 ounces a day.. Not eat: beef, pork, processed meats

Eat: olive oil, up to 2 tablespoons a day.. Not eat: high saturated fats (animal fats, butter, coconut oil, palm kernel oil)

Eat: seeds, and nuts, about an ounce a day.. Not eat: potatoes

Eat: skim or low-fat (1%) dairy products (milk, yogurt, cheese), about 3 cups a day.. Not eat: whole-dairy products

Being Real:

Sometimes the pain is so bad you're tempted to engage in unhealthy behaviors to avoid thinking about or dealing with the grief. Giving in to these temptations can create even more problems for you. As you seek to take care of yourself in your grief, learn to resist temptation and care for ourselves at the same time.

Writing prompts:

• Describe any temptations you've had this week to numb your pain. What types of things help you avoid those temptations?
• Plan a visit to a park, take a walk or a hike, or just go outside and get some fresh air. Afterward, describe in your journal something you appreciated about the experience. Write something you're grateful for.

Bonus: How to Ask for and Accept Help

Most people don't know what you need: Often people want to help and are able to help, if only they knew what you needed. They may bring food- when what you really need is a driver or babysitter. Or they may think you don't need help, when actually you do. Let your needs be known. And if people want to help, don't deny them the opportunity.

Think ahead about what you need: If people ask what they can do to help, you might not be able to think of anything on the spot. That's why thinking ahead is valuable. On a separate sheet of paper, create two lists: (1) Areas I need help; (2) People who might help. Then, share these lists with people who are willing to help.

For Example:

• Need Help: Household/Yard - teen next door, mow the lawn.. a friend - watch kids while I run errands.. neighbors - recommend a good plumber.. sibling - teach me a household repair or cooking skill

Asking for and accepting help is an important part of living in a community and being in relationship with others.

Session #5: Fearful & Overwhelmed

Facing the Unknown - Loss has taken your life down an unexpected path, and now it feels like you're lost in the wilderness without a map to get back. How will I get through this day? What will my future look like? What if I never feel like myself again? Fear, worry, and anxiety are natural responses in times of uncertainty, but those feelings can lessen in intensity and frequency.

How to Deal with Grief Overload:

1. Each day, make a to-do list with only three items, and concentrate on one at a time
2. Exercise
3. Eat healthy foods
4. Don't look too far into the future. Focus on today
5. Write in your journal
6. Talk with others about ways to alleviate your stress

What Are You Focusing On?:

• We need to replace the negative thoughts, and the falsehoods we pronounce upon our life and future.
• Mobilize connections with healthy people who can empathize and accept that this is how you feel, but then lovingly challenge [potential untruths].
• What negative thoughts and fears tend to keep spinning in your mind?
• What would you say to a friend who shares how she struggles with negative thoughts?
• What you're focusing on is what will guide your thoughts, emotions, and experiences.

Alleviating Worry:

• When you face hard decisions and new responsibilities, it's easy to become weary with worry. How am I going to function now?.. I've never had to do that before.. What if..? You may wonder how you're going to handle it all. But there's another way to face each day.
• List your top three or four worries. Is this concern your direct responsibility? Answer Y/N. How much control do you have over it? Rate 1-10 (1=no control, 10=full control).
• What resources do you have to address those concerns? Where could you get the resources you don't have?
• What's the relationship between your level of worry and the level of control you have over a situation, or your responsibility for it?

Healing Through Writing:

Releasing Fear and Anxiety - Fear and anxiety can build and take over your days. If you're burdened with these emotions, unload them into your journal. These questions will help you think through your concerns and lessen your anxiety:

1. Write down the "what if" questions (worries) you've had since your loved one's death. What makes each of these "what if's" haunting?
2. If you to build a habit of replacing negative thoughts with the truth, how do you think that would change your mental state? Describe what it would look like for you to put this into practice.
3. Have you felt overwhelmed by the changes you've had to face? Describe your thoughts and feelings. Who could you talk to about feeling overwhelmed?

Breathing Exercise to Manage Anxiety

Did you know that there is a clear connection between your breathing and your ability to deal with the physical effects of anxiety?

Monitor your breathing: Here's how it works. When you get excited, your breathing rate naturally increases. However, if your breathing gets too rapid or too shallow, your lungs aren't able to function effectively. As a result, you ight experience shortness of breath, light-headedness, an increased heart rate, nausea, or even a full-blown panic attack. This makes monitoring your breathing (and sometimes adjusting it) a very important part of managing anxiety. You want to make sure you're breathing in a slow, deep manner so your lungs can do their job.

Try This Breathing Exercise: This breathing exercise is called "diaphragmatic breathing" because it involves intentionally using the sheet of muscle under your lungs called the diaphragm. The more you use your diaphragm for breathing, the more effective your lungs can be. Find a quiet, comfortable place to sit or lie down. Start by taking a normal breath. Then take a deep breath: Breathe in slowly through your nose, allowing your chest and lower belly to expand as you fill your lungs. Let your abdomen expand fully. Exhale slowly.

1. As you breathe in, silently count to 4.
2. Hod your breath, and silently count to 7.
3. Breathe out completely as your silently count to 8.
4. Repeat 3 to 7 times, or until you feel calm.

Or you could breath in for a count of 4, hold for 4, and breathe out for 4. The exact timing matters less than the overall process of keeping your breathing slow and deep.

Some experts recommend setting aside 10 to 20 minutes a day to practice this. If that sounds daunting, think about how you could incorporate it into your existing schedule. Do this exercise at your desk during your lunch break or on the bus during the morning commute. It might not feel easy or natural at first, but with practice you can make it a habit. And it's worth it, since breathing well is fundamental to living well.

Session #6: Anger

Anger is a common part of grief. Learning how to process your anger in a healthy way is important.

You are suddenly face-to-face with the knowledge that life can be unfair and people can be unjust or insensitive. But please be careful, because anger is powerful and can be destructive.

Blame and Seeking Justice:

If your loved ones' death was due to a crime or someone's negligence, acknowledging that person's responsibility is part of your healing process. And seeking justice in human courts to prevent others from being hurt or to protect the memory of your loved one is an option to consider.

But if your desire is to dispense hurt or get payback, allow legal matters to resolve. Otherwise, bitterness and vengeful thoughts can keep you from processing your grief well.

Overcoming Bitterness:

Maybe you've struggled with bitterness (resentment), which is a type of anger. Bitterness festers within us. It gets projected onto people who care about us. Make every effort to live in peace with everyone.. see to it that no one falls short and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble.

Remember: If bitterness has taken root, it will poison relationships touched by it.

Healing Through Writing:

What frustration with your loved one are you struggling with? If you could, what would you say about this to him or her?

Are you struggling to forgive someone associated with the death of your loved one? Describe how this is affecting your life?

Why Should I Forgive?

Anger and bitterness can complicate your grieving process if they're not handled properly. To manage these emotions, forgiveness is key. Unfortunately, when a clear wrong has been committed, anger and bitterness may seem to make more sense than forgiveness.

How can you shift your thinking? Forgiveness makes more sense when you move your focus away from the wrongdoing.

An absence of justice? - Sorting out the emotions of grief is complicated. It's complicated even further when your loved one's death occurred because of someone's negligence or violence. In the midst of your pain and confusion, remember that it's very important for you to forgive.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The host of my group support session, once said, "You are forgiving yourself".. Forgiving yourself, so you can move forward.. The "forgive & forget" is just a saying.. in grief, you do not need to forget, and you will never forget the person you have lost for the rest of your life. The host also said, "Grief is just another word for Love".. So, the grief you feel for whom you've lost, equal to the amount of love you have for that person, and even when that person is no longer with us, our love for her/him will never stop. So, we will grieve for that person for the rest of our lives, but as years pass and we learn tools to move forward with our lives, the intensity of our grieve will slowly, very slowly, subside. But there will be good days and there will be bad days, no matter how many years have passed. 

Session #7: Regrets

Dealing with the "If onlys"

"If only I'd encouraged him to go to the doctor sooner. If only they'd stayed home that night. If only I'd known what to do." Feelings of regret are common after the loss of a loved one. But, left unchecked, can lead to guild and shame, which can complicate your grief and slow the healing process. The good news is you don't have to be stuck in a place of regret and guilt.

How Others Can Help:

Regrets are common in grief. I wish I had done this.. If only I had said that.. The problem with regrets is that they often lead to feelings of guilt, and even shame. One way to manage these emotions is to talk with other people about what you've been thinking and feeling. Other people can help you determine if you're dealing with false or true guilt. "When you share that guilt in community, that helps you heal."

Other people offer a new perspective - Other people may be able to see what you thought is your fault, is not true. Ask trusted friends for their support, someone you can share your burden with and join you in your struggles. Let them know about your feelings, the guilt or shame.

False Guilt:

You may have been berating yourself about what you "should have" done differently to prevent your loved one's passing. Sometimes we confuse responsibility with accidents. "I should have been home. I should've have let him buy that motorcycle. I should have filled the car with gas." Maybe the "shoulds" need to be challenged because in many of the situations, we find out there wasn't much you could have done. Even if you had done something or hadn't done something, it doesn't mean the accident wouldn't have occurred.

Other grieving people have come to realize they shouldn't feel guilty when they haven't actually done anything wrong. "We make the best decisions we can at that time, and sometimes the outcomes are not good."

If you are not clear whether you are dealing with true or false guilt, share your concerns with a few people you trust. Ask them whether they think your guilt is false or is based on something you need forgiveness for.

Is My Loved One Upset With Me?:

Many people feel they have unfinished business with the person who passed. Maybe the last words you said to your loved one were angry or hurtful. Or maybe you'd been holding a grudge against the other person or had an estranged relationship. Be rest assured that they have nothing but love for others, your loved one is not angry or upset with you. Any ill feelings that may have existed before teh passing are no longer present with him or her.

Think Helpful Thoughts:

If you keep thinking negatively about the choices you made surrounding your loved one's passing. You'll tend to worry, doubt, feel unreasonable guilt or shame, and place blame, which makes your grief even more difficult to bear. "Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honourable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent." Instead of focusing on your regrets: Write down some positive things you did for your loved one.

Tell yourself the truth - Let's say a grieving person is feeling guilty by having the thoughts of, "I should have done something differently." That person needs to replace the self-condemnation thought with a reality-based thought.. And what is the reality? "I did the best I could under the circumstances." That will help [you heal from your grief]. You have come to the place where you realize, "The truth is, I did the best I could with what I knew at the time." And you move on. Think about what is true: List the limitations you had during this time (e.g. time, money, knowledge, expertise) and the truth of your situation.

Writing Prompts:

1. Replace unhelpful thinking with honourable, true, and right thoughts - and "keep putting it into practice". How could you do this? Describe what it would look like, if you practiced this for a month, what changes will you see in your mental health?
2. Write about any "unfinished business" between you and your loved one that weighs on you. Who could you talk to about this?