Sharing My Group Support Sessions for Grief
So, I started a group support for grief Sept. 17th. It's a 13-week program, held in a church. My friend recommended me to join, and told me it's not religion-related, and that I don't need to be a Christian to join. But, as the first one to arrive, I chatted with the couple who has been hosting these Group Sessions since 2008, says that it is Christian-based. But since I've paid for it already, I'll stay to the end. They did say anyone can join, so maybe, during these 13 weeks, I would have the urge to return to church again. Who knows, the hosts were very welcoming. I chatted with them at the end of the session, was asked what my experiences with church were and they told me their church have a wide diversity of cultures, with people of all ages. She said, if ever I'm interested, to let her know.. and she could help introduce me to the groups. So, I'll see how things go in the spiritual-sense. At one point in the past, I did have the heart and open-mindedness to try attending church with my parents (they're already baptized).. But, I lost hope after meeting people who did not care about me during the peak times of my depression.
The first session, like all group supports, it's more of an introduction. Including the hosts, there were 13 of us, with 7 that didn't show up. By the looks of the first session, I seem to be the youngest, and may be the only person that is not a Christian. So, the payment was for the workbook, we get a workbook where we need to use it after watching videos. We were suppose to start the first video yesterday, but the introductions and overall sharing of our experiences took up all the time.
I looked at the workbook today, and read through the first chapter (13 chapters, 13-week program).
I stayed behind and chatted with the hosts. It was also nice to get hugs. Coming from a Chinese family, my parents and I never really expressed our love through hugs.. so to get hugs from others, during this time of grieving is really comforting.
Some of you may already know, I lost my grandma at the end of July this year. I've started some counselling sessions (paid, very expensive, $170/55 mins).. I just received a call back from another counsellor that my GP sent a referral in for, which are free 6-8 sessions. With my first session next Wednesday. So, I'll see how that one goes. I have the paid session this Friday, but, I might stop seeing her after this 3rd session.. and go with the free one, and the group support.
Here, I'll share my group session experiences and workbook contents. Hope it can help others who are seeking help, and we can support and share our experiences too.
Session #8: Grief & Your Household
Facing the Empty Chair at the Table
The trash is piling up. The weeds are overgrown. Your budget isn't working, and it feels like the once well-oiled family machine is now rusted and broken. The dynamics in your home are now different and the roles may have changed.
- How to Grieve Secondary Losses: You've lost more than your loved one's companionship--maybe you've lost your encourager, the one you confided in, the person looked up to you. You've also lost the contributions he or she made in your daily life. These are called secondary losses. For instance, maybe you've lost the person who mowed the lawn, managed your finances, or walked the dog.
Identifying and grieving secondary losses is an important part of healing. Here's a way you can do that.
List what you've lost in that person's absence. For example:
- My cook, mechanic, bill-payer
- The bedtime story reader, carpool driver
- The one who makes me laugh, my cuddler
- My traveling partner, event partner, retirement buddy
Say your losses out loud and how each loss affects you.
2. Strength for the Changes
Losing a family member can cause a shift in roles and responsibilities. You may have to take on and learn new tasks that feel overwhelming or impossible. Or maybe you no longer have certain responsibilities.
Healing Through Writing
Processing your grief: Everyone grieves in his or her own way. And that's okay. These prompts can help you process your emotions, thoughts, and experiences.
- What worries you about going through your loved one's belongings?
- How are you and your family members experiencing grief (and comfort) differently? How can you talk about these differences and be patient with one another?
- Where are some favourite places you and your loved one like to go (e.g., restaurants, parks, trips)? If you've been able to return, describe the experience.
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Caring for Grieving Children
If you're struggling to keep your own life together, the thought of caring for your children can feel overwhelming. Maybe you're worried that you're too distracted by your grief and circumstances to be fully there for them. No matter what you're feeling, the good news is that there are practical things you can do to care for you children while you're all grieving.
- Be Real: Your kids are watching you for direction on how to handle their own grief. If you hold your emotions in, your kids will think that's what they should do too. Instead, show them that it's okay to cry, be sad, and talk about your loved one.
- Understand that Children Grieve Intermittently: Children will experience strong emotions, then take a break. They might be upset one moment, and the next thing you know, they're playing, laughing, and having fun. Recognize that your children are grieving, and be there to help, but also allow your kids to be kids.
- Understand They May Not Grieve The Same Way You Do: Just because your children do not express grief as much or in the same way as you does not mean they're aren't grieving deeply. Provide opportunities for them to express themselves, and acknowledge their feelings.
- Give Truthful, Age-appropriate Responses to Their Questions: "You need to give as much information as the children can handle according to their age level, and you've got to be honest," says grief therapist H. Norman Wright. What this looks like for each child will take time to figure out. Be patient with your kids-and yourself.
- Be on the Lookout for Abnormal Behaviour: It's normal for grades to suffer, eating habits to change, and a child to be sad. But if your child begins behaving erratically-particularly in a way that's counter to his or her personality-consider seeking the counsel of someone experienced in helping grieving children. If your child talks about harming themselves, immediately seek a professional's help.
- Get Help: Your child is your responsibility, but it's helpful to ask a relative or friend to spend time with your child and help the child deal with his or her grief. This will give your child someone else to talk to about his or her feelings.
- Clarify Family Roles: If a member of the household passed, make sure everyone understands what roles each person should take on. For example, who will not do the dishes, take out the trash, and walk the dog? Clarifying family roles will help avoid confusing and lead to stability and routine.