My mom passed
It wasn't recent. It was in March. March 11th 2024 at 3.05 pm.
I think part of me died, too. It was so traumatic. She lived in Texas, and I lived in Illinois. I thought she was getting better. She told me so, the family told me so. Then one day, my aunt texts me that my mom is in the hospital. I panicked. I realized.
I asked if I should come down. I didn't know how I would. We were paycheck to paycheck. Less than that even. Aunt said no. Several days later I get the text, "You need to get down here."
I borrowed the money off anyone who would loan to me. I got a Greyhound. I was on that Greyhound, including lay overs, for over 28 hours. Didn't sleep at all. The panic and worry of being attacked kept me awake.
I arrived. My other aunt hadn't figured for Daylight Saving time, so I had to wait at the cold bus station, which didn't have an inside, for over an hour for her to show up.
"We'll get you to my house so you can shower and sleep."
I looked at her like she was out of her mind. "We're going straight to her. Are you insane?"
So we did. And she was so bad. I can't get the picture out of my head. I relive walking in there. I relive my hopes being crushed to dust. No, more than dust. To nothingness.
I stayed with her. I left to shower. I stayed. I slept in a chair. We tried everything. They did everything they could.
The doctors and nurses and hospice was so kind. They eased it so much. But it's still there. Her last breath.
I ran. I don't even remember leaving the hospital. I don't remember anything until I was in my cousin's car.
We drove around. I didn't cry. Nothing came out.
I don't know. I had to share this. I'm sorry.
I want to add that it irrecoverably changed me. I was never the happiest, I've struggled with bipolar, depression, and BPD almost my whole life.
I can still get out of bed. I have to. My wife is disabled. I have to work. I have to shower. I have to eat.
But it's all autopilot. Sometimes I dissociate into video games. Sometimes I feel happy and then I remember and I'm nothingness.
I don't know what to do. I'm in therapy. I can't talk about it. I'm afraid I'll break and I won't recover. I have to work. I can't break.
I don't know what to do.
It's always in my head.
It's always there.
@witchybirdie
There is nothing to be sorry about sharing it...
I am sorry about your loss.
Having been acquainted with death and loss of a beloved person, I think there are two parts of grief. One part you will be carrying with you for the rest of your days, but another part you have to leave behind.
No guilt for anything making you smile for a while. No guilt for forgetting the person for a moment. That you lost, but loved, and I guess you are still missing someone - that is all that really matters.
I believe that is good you are trying to talk about it, because words of the pain unspoken might be more harmful than letting them go...
@jacek73
Thank you. I feel like I'm a downer talking about it, so it's instinctive to apologize.
Thank you. It's such a deep loss.
I'm so sorry you understand. I just can't imagine leaving any of this behind, if that makes sense? People say the grief doesn't go away, but the edges dull and don't stab, they're just uncomfortable and cumbersome. But I can't imagine not feeling an absolute stabbing pain in my chest when I think of her and what she went through.
I am, I am slowly trying to talk about it. I think it's important to try. I can't imagine losing this pain, but I also can't imagine living like this forever. I don't think I'll survive much longer if I do. I don't want to do anything right now, but I'm worried about the future if I don't let the lid off the bottle soon.
@witchybirdie
Yes, I understand that most people tend to ignore death until it hits them very close and personal...
I believe what you wrote is true: It's like a broken glass thrown into the ocean. The edges are smoother with every wave, but it never dissolves completely. It's still broken glass...
The silver lining is you learn to appreciate each and every moment with people, because you never know what happens tomorrow and how long they are still around. And when they are passing away you hope they never completely "dissolve", too, but they are waiting for you on the other side.
@jacek73
I don't understand how they do, I guess? My grandfather who helped raise me died when I was nine, my best friend when we were 19, one of my mother-in-laws died a few years ago.
But my mom dying? I've never felt pain like this. It's surreal.
Yes, exactly like broken glass. A perfect analogy.
I hope that I never forget them. I don't believe in an "other side", but I hope that for people who do.
@witchybirdie I'm so sorry for your loss.
I think losing a parent changes you. It doesn't matter whether it's a good relationship or a bad one. I lost my father a little over a year ago. We weren't really close but had reconnected and I never thought that I would react the way I have. There are so many regrets and opportunities I avoided because I'm an idiot. There's so many things I wish I would have said to him. Some many things I wish we'd talked about. I held on to the hope that he would get better and I thought there would be time but he went so fast and I'm numb mostly because I think there is a lot of fear to feel anything about his passing because I'm afraid it will eat me alive.
I've lost people before and none of them affected me like this loss has. I feel.... lost. Some days it's as though there's this gaping wound of exposed nerves. Every thought, every movement causes this excruciating throbbing.
Everyone keeps telling me it takes time and we all grieve differently and at different paces. I don't think the pain ever goes away. As you said it loses some of the edges as time passes so it's less sharp but it's still there. It hits harder for me around holidays, anniversaries and birthdays. But it also hits randomly too. Sometimes I'll see something or have a question and think "I'll call him" and then reality hits.
@mytwistedsoul
I'm so sorry about your loss and thank you for sharing. I also at times had a rocky relationship with my mom. At one point she was living with me because she's lost her house and a few years later it was so toxic between us all (myself, my wife, and her) that she moved out without saying bye.
I think about the fact that she thought that was the right move and regret every action I took. Even though she was incredibly mean sometimes, so it wasn't just me. I didn't do anything wrong. We just weren't cut out to live together as adults, especially in such a high stress situation. (Paycheck to paycheck, she wouldn't clean up after herself, she would insult us for the house being messy even though we were working 12 hrs 6 days a week to provide.)
But she was my mom, and I feel like I should have done better by her. But it is what it is, and I can't redo it.
I also feel lost, as well. At work one day I just broke down sobbing that I wanted my momma. Everyone was so kind to me, but it was so embarrassing.
This past Christmas was the first one and it was awful. I miss her so much. It was her favorite time of year.
I'm doing so much better than I was when she was alive, too. I'd like to think she'd be proud and she's not here to see it.
Again, thank you for sharing. You did the best you could, don't hold that pain. You did what you had to do to be safe, mentally and/or physically, so don't regret your choices.
