My Grief Journey
This will be a space for me to vent and share my grieving journey. For whoever comes across this thread, is free to comment.
So, I have been off work since the first week of August, and have decided to take the remainder of the year off. I just don't want to be stressing about thinking of returning to work, as my Manager would ask me every month, if I'm ready to return the next month. Honestly now, thinking of returning to work, I still have a lot of anger lingering. So, I'm not in the best state to return to work without being angry, and returning to work will only build up more stress and pressure, as colleagues really have nothing nice to say to me.
So, I've started counselling and a Grief Group Support. The counselling, last week, was my first free session. My GP sent a referral in to a Community Network that offers free counselling sessions. Which makes a huge difference when I do not have medical insurance to cover for the previous counselling sessions where I had to pay out of my own pocket. With this counsellor, she says there is no "set" amount of sessions.. but it is usually around 6-8 sessions. But, even at the end of the free sessions, I'll just need my GP to send another referral in for more additional sessions. I chose to see an intern counsellor, and I've asked, she's there for her clinical practice until next June. So, if additional referrals are needed, I could ask to see her in the future sessions.
The Group Support, tomorrow will be the 3rd session. It's a 13-week program. Basically, only paid $40 for the workbook. Which is used after watching videos during the session, and we do the workbook at home. I think it's just helpful to show up to the sessions itself. Especially when no one around me seems to be impacted of my Grandma's passing as hard as it had hit me.. So, it's nice to have everyone in the group walking through a similar journey.
The other day, I suddenly thought about a previous coworker who also passed away a couple of years ago.. she dealt with the same type of cancer as one of the member's wife.. My heart still feels heavy whenever I drive past her house.. see the car she drove to work with.. The last time I spoke with her, she asked me for the contacts for the Manager in the Volunteering department from the Hospital I worked at. I actually didn't know she passed away, until I met up with another coworker that we both worked with at the same company before the 3 of us had quit. Thinking about her, saddens me now. We never got the chance to meet up because of COVID, then, when the distancing regulations were lifted, her condition wasn't getting better. She said her immune is low, and does not want to risk meeting with others aside from her family and close friends. So, I never got the chance to meet with her in-person. We just kept in touch through texting. I can still picture her smiling face when we laughed and worked together.
It's now been 2 months since my Grandma passed. The first month, I felt only pure sadness. Then, the second month, my mind had shutdown. I no longer can pinpoint my feelings, and my mind is blank. I've been zoning out more frequently since last Monday, especially when I was waiting to be called for my turn in appointments (had 4 last week). Sitting there in the clinic, for every 5 minutes, I'll zone out a few times.
My sleep and appetite are affected, in some nights, my nightmares are coming back to haunt me.
@Jaeteuk how lovely 🥰
@Jaeteuk Hi! It's heartbreaking to read your story. It's always not easy when someone who was important to you passes away. Doesn't really metter if it was a family member or colleague. It's ok if you don't have a strength to go to work. Now it's important for you to focus on yourself. I'm glad to hear that you decided to try counselling and support group. It's always nice to surround yourself with people who are going through similar life situations. I really hope that it will help you to heal. Or at least help you to find a strength to find a job you will look forward to go to.
I'm sending you a big hug 🤗
Thank you, @LeaRaccoon
I felt that after one month of sadness, that I couldn't handle the grief or process it on my own.. So, I ended up seeking counselling and the group support was actually recommended and introduced to me from a friend, who lost her father 4 years ago to cancer.. I was hoping we could attend together, but she couldn't accommodate her work schedule that allows her to attend the sessions.. The hosts also said that if the person knows they'll be missing more than 5 sessions, then to join at a time where they can make it work.. The group session is held twice a year..
Honestly, I feel that it is only when I'm in the group session is where it's like a breathing hole for me.. I don't need to pretend what I'm feeling and can show my true emotions and facial expressions without feeling the pressure to act happy or fine..
Thank you for the hugs.. a much needed gesture when it's not a thing in my culture unless we're seeing someone off (ie, for family, if they're going away for more than a week of vacation)..
@Jaeteuk I adore you for the fact that you were able to go there completely alone. And also that you decided to go there at all. I get why you wanted your friend to be there but sometimes it's easier to talk to complete strangers (at least for me it's the reason why I am on 7cups -because here I can say totally anything and not feel judged or my family or friends dont feel sorry for me).
Group session just twice a year? That's not that much. But still it can help I guess.
And yeah, hugs are important. I hope that you have it at least from some of your friends. I wish I was able to hug you personaly but hope you can feel the hug even if its just virtual. ♥
So, with my counselling session this past Wednesday, I thought we were going to work through the anger I have with colleagues who compared their "problems at home" to my grief.. and said things like "we all have sh*t going on at home, and we still come to work".. And how that one colleague kept repeating the same thing 4 times during my shift, and where we only had 3.5 hrs of overlapping shifts.. imagine how stressful and overwhelming it was for me!
I ended up sharing things that happened in my Group Support the night before.. and visited with my history of depression.. Let's see if we'll be able to work on the anger next week..
So, since yesterday.. I've been feeling very tired/sleepy.. Yesterday, I woke up around 8am.. but by 11:30am, I felt like I was still half asleep, like my eyes were tired.. So, I ended up taking a nap.. and then, woke up around 2:30pm.. finished the leftovers I had from Wednesday's lunch.. fed the dog, and once my brother came home from work around 4pm, I went back to bed.. I woke up briefly around 7pm, went on my computer and checked some messages, then, since I wasn't hungry, I went back to sleep.. I figured, if I woke up in the middle of the night hungry, I'll eat then.. Although I didn't sleep through the night, woke up a few times.. I got out of bed around 9am this morning.. it is now almost noon, and I still feel like sleeping..
I'm not sure what's wrong with me this week.. I just feel so tired and sleepy, no matter how many hours I've slept during the night.. I haven't even been watching my dramas in bed at night the past 2 days either.. As I usually watch until 2-3am, then sleep and wake up by 8 or 9am..
Hi @Jaeteuk ! Im glad to hear that you want to work on your anger. Its strange how grief also brings lots of anger. And it's absolutely normal. For me it helps when I imagine myself at the times when I wasnt grieving. At that times I wasnt able to imagine how difficult it is to lose someone close. People dont always want to be mean... they just can't imagine what you're going through. I am also happy that you have dog. Animals are helping a lot when grieving.
It's sad to hear that you feel so tired. It can be some illness but hopefully it isn't. If you often feel like that maybe you can try to do some sport activity to make you feel exhausted so you can sleep all night long and be fresh during the day. If you are not that much into sport think about it the way that it's healthy and keeps you fit so you will be able to take care of those who are still with you and may need your help someday. Imagining that helps me a lot when I am finding motivation to move my body a little as long as I don't like sports that much. For me the biggest motivation to wake up everyday, while feeling like there is nothing to look forward to, is my family and the fact that I have to be there for them if they need me one day. They were always there for me so I owe it to them.
I've imagined that if it wasn't for the grief, what my colleagues have said to me, I'd be over it in a couple of days.. but, it was partially my fault.. as I returned to work five business days after the passing.. so with the complex emotions that came with grief, to have that colleague to say that to me.. I was totally overwhelmed and felt disrespected. Even though I knew their intentions were not to make me feel bad, but what has been said had already created hurt. So, it's difficult to not feel any anger against that person.
Having the dog around is not long-term.. as he is the joint custody from my brother's divorce.. We only get the dog over when the ex-wife is on vacation..
I'm getting some bloodwork done next week, then, seeing my GP the week after.. I'll have to tell her about this tiredness thing..
Exercise.. definitely something I lack doing.. I'll go and walk outside once a week.. I figure, since I don't have the energy.. being tired already.. why would I go out and exert more energy than I have?
@LeaRaccoon
@Jaeteuk it wasn't your fault. And you have a right to feel disrespected. Returning back to work after losing someone is one of the hardest parts. Not everyone is empathic enough. I returned back after 3 days but I remember how afraid I was of doing that. It turned out that my colleagues, with whom I got along the most until then, were a great support for me. Some of my colleagues probably still don't know what happened. I don't even need them to know. Yeah, sometimes it feels like we want the whole world to know that a very important person is missing but then we realise that some people don't really care. I think the first few days after returning to work were difficult but now I consider it a good choice because it keeps my head busy.
I'm sorry. I didn't know that it is not your dog. If you are planning on staying home and you like animals maybe it would be good choice to adopt one. So you have someone to care about and have to get out of the bed every day. But of course it is big responsibility (also financially).
Hope your bloodwork will be ok. With the exercise it doesn't have to be something super difficult. It can be just walking or yoga. Just to keep your muscles working. But if you're having some health problems then rather ask your GP what activity will be good for you.
You know, I think what hurt the most was how that colleague repeated the same comparison to me 4 times in 3.5 hrs time.. Then, saying things like coming to work is good, keeps the mind busy.. but in my mind, if I wanted to keep my mind busy, I can do things at home too.. Going to work after those 5 business days, was definitely the worst choice of my life.. and I felt so stressed and pressured.. With the complexity of emotions with the grief already, going to work with non-empathetic colleagues only complicated those feelings even more.
That's okay.. this time, we have the dog for nearly 3 weeks.. then, he's back again for another week in November.. this time, I was thinking, because I haven't been working (I don't smell like the hospital), that the dog likes me more.. and I've also been feeding him his meals.. so, when it's time to eat, he'll come find me in my room.. He also lets me pet him more.. before, when I was working.. he would growl at me whenever I tried to pet him.. I'm guessing because I work at the hospital, I might smell like the vet..
I'm thinking, now that my parents are back.. as long as I don't have my sessions, if they're going out for groceries.. I'll go with them.. although it won't be like cardio exercise, but at least it'll be walking around and leaving the house.. Like today, I usually don't join my family for breakfast in a restaurant, especially when I've already had some grilled cheese and coffee at home for breakfast.. I still went with them.. and even drove.. We went home after eating, as my mum wasn't feeling well.. she slept funny and her hip muscles are hurting.. But, she said after resting, they'll head out for groceries (dinner).. as we don't have much food at home nor have many fruits.
I ate so much today.. I probably won't need to have much of a dinner either.. I'll stick with feeding the dog when it's time, have some coffee.. and back to my napping..
@LeaRaccoon
I've been so tired/sleepy the past few days.. this will definitely be something I'll need to mention to my GP when I see her next Thursday.. Last night, I couldn't fall asleep until almost 2am.. then, was awake at 4am.. then, couldn't fall asleep until 7am.. then, finally waking up at 9am.. I tried to go for my afternoon nap around noon, but I couldn't sleep.. Could be because our dog was barking a lot.. and I hear my dad talking right by the top of the staircase many times (where my bedroom is closest to).. So, I just ended up resting my eyes.. I had already felt sleepy before 11:30am.. So, I just ended up getting out of bed around 3pm.. Need to drink my afternoon coffee.. I've been drinking two cups the past few weeks.. once in the morning, and once in the afternoon.. I love coffee.. not that I'm addicted.. I just love the flavour.. the darker the roast the better.. So, most of the time, I drink it black.. As caffeine has no effect on me.. So, it's not like I must drink it to feel more awake..
I finally have my blood test appointment this Thursday.. I heard if cortisol levels are high, we get tired more easily.. I feel my grief has made me more tired, physically and emotionally.. I still feel numb of emotions.. and definitely have some brain fog to some extent.. Most of the time, I feel so tired and sleepy that I can't think properly or remember what I was thinking.. When parents ask me how I feel.. I'm at a lost of words.. it's like, I don't "feel" anything anymore..
This week's counselling session was cancelled, as my counsellor said she needed to take a sick day off.
Saw my GP this morning, I have been seeing her Locum the past couple of time. So, it was nice to finally see my own GP (she has 3 young kids, so she took a lot of time off during the summer and fall). Anyways, she read the notes of my case the Locum has written on my chart, and she asked me my current state. So, I told her the usual.. the lack of appetite, as in, do not have the desire for food, and will only eat when I'm feeling hungry. That I get like 1.5 full meals per day only. I told her my sleep is still not very good, as in, started 10 year ago, that I could only stay asleep for 6 hours max. I gave her an example, if I wanted to wake up at 8am, I'll go to bed by 2am.. and if I went to bed earlier, I'd be up by 4am. I said, now that I'm not working, I could easily nap in the day time to recover the sleep, but if I do get back to work in the new year, that won't be an option.. Also I mentioned the lack of short-term memory and the lack of concentration, and how I feel my brain is not functioning properly.. She asked me, if I feel my depression is back.. I told her, I feel it's different, with the grief, so she says, after what I've told her, she feels that I'm not having a relapse of depression.. hence, she doesn't feel I need medication. She then said that I have good insights/maturity to my current situation, and she feels hopeful that I will be able to move on with my life.. She also suggest I explore with my counsellor if I can get CBT, she says it will help in my situation.
With the CBT, I'll have to ask my counsellor at our next session next week.. because mine is just an Intern, I'm not sure if she's qualified to do the CBT with me.. or if it has to be with a certified Counsellor.. I'll find out next week.
Oh yea, when I saw my GP this morning, she also said I should expect a call from my Internal Medicine doctor, regarding my blood work. She was right! I got a call from his clinic late afternoon, said I needed another blood test and urine done again.. So, she sent me the requisition, and I've booked for my appointment for next Friday.
For the Grief Support Session I had this past Tuesday. I ended up talking to the same member in the parking lot after our session.. We both were waiting for our windows to clear up.. So, I stayed in my car with my windows rolled down (thank goodness for my heated seat) the air was chilly, as the other guy stood outside and we chatted a good 20 minutes.. Or until his windows were all cleared up.. I spoke with the same guy the week before.. it's good.. To be able to share my current grieving journey and feelings, and having him understand completely.. It's so good to have that kind of support and understanding.. This session, only about half the people showed up, with two members leaving earlier.. I didn't share in the group this time, there wasn't much I wanted to say.. and by the looks of it, a lot of us look very tired and sleepy.. At the end of our session, the hosts were saying they'll send out some dates for us to choose.. to have a gathering for breakfast for one Saturday.. So, I'm waiting on that now.. It'll be nice to meet each other outside of group.
So, Group Session is cancelled for next week, November 5th.. so, we meet next on the 12th.. It's going to be a long 2 weeks.. of no support.. so, I'm not exactly looking forward to the next two weeks.. Tonight, we watched both videos, Anger and Regrets.. they are both very heavy.. I think with my grief, it's more of the regrets than the anger.. Anger I do have, but not towards the grief itself or who I'm grieving for, but more of how others have treated/said to me when I had the complex emotions with the grief that caused the anger to those who were disrespectful of my emotions and how grief had impacted me.
I will say more later this week.. It's another busy week of appointments.. with my usual Group Session tonight (Tuesday nights), my counselling session Wednesday mornings.. additionally, I'm seeing a Dermatologist on Thursday morning, and getting a second blood test on Friday afternoon (hope everything is okay).. oh, I've also started seeing a Traditional Chinese Doctor last week.. so, I have to go see him again tomorrow after lunch to get checked and get some new tonics..
So, there is no support group tonight..
I'm a bit anxious though.. this morning, my mum told me that we haven't sat down for our "talks" in a long time.. I actually talked about this with my counsellor last week.. Although I know it's needed (to talk about my grieving journey and my plans for the near future, as in, what happens when I return to work in the new year).. But these "talks" are always something I dread.. because it makes me feel I'm cornered or put on the spot, which makes me feel very uncomfortable and uneasy..
Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm still grieving for the loss anymore.. All I know and feel is, I'm so used to not going to work (been off since August and will be off for the remaining of this year), that I don't want to go back.. or maybe even quit.. Also, with the lack of appetite.. I don't feel like cooking nutritious meals.. I feel my mind still feels blank.. that I don't know what my feelings/emotions are at the moment.. My concentration and memory is still lacking.. when asked a question.. it takes me forever to think of an answer.. Like when my counsellor asks me something.. I try and think of an answer but nothing comes to mind.. it's like, my brain stopped working properly..
All I do now is daydream, a lot.. Like, how I wish my life would be like.. in terms of career and relationship-wise.. Listen to music on my computer whenever I'm at home (which is for the majority of the time).. or watch dramas (during the daytime, as well as before bed in bed).. The reason for me to be out and about is to go to appointments.. which is usually three times a week.. with the group support and counselling sessions.. I'll be "out" for a longer period during counselling days.. because I usually end up eating out for breakfast before my appointment, then, go have my comfort food as lunch.. then, walk around at the mall and go to another appointment in the afternoon.. Wednesdays are my longest days to be out of the house..
Ever since I started grieving, I've also been checking in with my GP once a month.. my next appointment is in about 2.5 weeks..
Every day is very unproductive.. and yet, I'm getting used to it too.. but also know, it is not the lifestyle that should continue.. as it's no longer as healthy as before.. I don't know anymore.. I don't want to think about it..
The past Tuesday, during my counselling session, I was asked to write about how I'm feeling about my grief. As I posed a question near the end of our session, wondering if I'm actually still grieving for the loss of my Grandma.
So, I felt I went into grieving mode as soon as I received the news that Grandma had passed. Went into pure sadness and regret for the entire month of August. By September, I felt my brain had shutdown, that I no longer had feelings of sadness and regret, but felt my mind was either blank, or that it was so full of complicated mixed emotions that I couldn't think or feel anymore. And it has been in that state up until now. Aside from not feeling or thinking, my short-term memory is horrible, my concentration levels and interests are lacking, I'm feeling tired/sleepy all day, everyday, and not feeling hungry.
With the not feeling or thinking, it's like, I cannot pinpoint the type of emotion I'm feeling with the loss. That's why I kept telling my counsellor that I feel my brain had shutdown, because I don't know what it's telling me when it comes to feelings. And when people ask me questions, it's like my brain isn't able to come up with an answer.. that's why it feels like my brain is either blank, or that it's so occupied of complicated emotions (emotions that I cannot identify), that there is no room for regular thoughts to be processed.
When I say short-term memory.. a recent example would be, I woke up one morning, asking my mum if I should go get a flu shot, since I'm taking a leave from work (at the hospital) that it's not mandatory when I'm at home. She gave me an answer, but then I went upstairs to get changed, then, when I went back into the kitchen and saw my mum, I had forgotten what she said about it. I had to ask again. Also, when I see familiar faces (like when I see people at the mall), I would either be able to recall who they were, or I would dig in my brain after our encounter and try to remember who they were. There was this one time, when I went to the supermarket, and saw a couple who kept looking at me, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw the wife point at me and said I looked like "my name". But for the longest time, I couldn't recall who they were, even after I got back into my car, I couldn't remember who they were.. If it wasn't for the grief, I would've thought on it until I remember who they were.. At that time, I just felt my brain wasn't able to gather any memory to help me figure out who that couple was.
As for concentration levels and interests.. my brother and I started our own online business last year. Let's just say, since the Grief, I have not had enough concentration or interest in working on it. All day now, I'm just on my computer watching YouTube videos or watching dramas and listening to music. Coming here, in Cups.
Feeling tired/sleepy all day, everyday. Even after waking up, getting my maximum of 6hrs of sleep the night before.. I feel tired/sleepy all day.. Now that I'm not working, I can take naps in the afternoon for a few hours.
The lack of appetite, it's like, I don't feel hungry.. Now, I just eat breakfast and dinner.. and snacks for lunch.. Except on Wednesdays.. I have all 3 meals.. I must have breakfast and dinner, because I'm drinking tonics after twice a day, after meals.. So, it's after breakfast and dinner.. On Wednesdays, with my counselling session, I go eat lunch, my comfort food, at a Korean restaurant.
I just don't know if all these side effects stemmed from my grief. Because my brain had seemed to shutdown, with the lack of feelings, I no longer know if I'm still processing from my grief or not. Or if it's just I'm so used to not going to work, that I'm used to this meaningless lifestyle.
Yesterday, my mum told me Grandma is now reunited with grandpa. Their names are now side-by-side on the tombstone and are now together. Thinking about this now, I'm getting mixed feelings with Grandma's passing.. almost like relieved that they've reunited now, as they have been apart the past 38 years.. but at the same time, my heart feels heavy too.. getting teary just thinking about it.. the sadness I had before seems to be returning to some degree.. it's weird.
