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Lost a parent
intellectualmaya8120 September 4th
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I lost my dad very recently and I'm having such a hard time with guilt and grief. We had a very complicated relationship and he was very abusive towards my siblings and my mom growing up but my mom left when I was a toddler and I never experienced any of that. It did affect my relationship with him because we truly didn't have one. Despite living in the same town he'd never see me more than oncea year when I was younger, and once I became an adult he never reached out and just stopped trying to be a part  of my life. 

I hate that I'm sad that I lost the possibility of ever having a relationship with him, that he never tried and even in his last days he never asked forgiveness for not wanting to be a part of my life. The loss still hurts so much because I did love him and wished for him to be here for me. 


The loss doesn't feel real. 

6
BlueDarkAurora September 5th
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@intellectualmaya8120 You're grieving the loss of the hopes and wishes you held on to for so long<3 It's hard to let go and try to heal when the closure needed is not given. I'm sorry that you feel the guilt, sorry that you never got to have a relationship that you deserved. Your feelings are very understandable, sometimes the loss of the idea of something hurts even more. 

intellectualmaya8120 OP September 9th
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@BlueDarkAurora Thank you for this!! Feeling like what I'm feeling is valid is so important

BlueDarkAurora September 9th
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@intellectualmaya8120 it is <3 Hope you're feeling better<3

mytwistedsoul September 5th
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@intellectualmaya8120 This is so similar to what I'm dealing with. I lost my father this past December. I go from dealing with so many mixed emotions to total numbness. We were trying to reconnect but he had been out of my life longer than he had been in it and I was stupid and didn't try hard enough at first. I never imagined that my father's passing would affect me the way it has. I feel a little lost now. Adrift and alone because his relationship with his GF and her daughter was so different from his relationship with me


Similar to what @BlueDarkAurora said there's so much to grieve. You grieve the relationship that never was and now what can never be. You grieve the loss of closure that he could have given you. That closure you have to try and give to yourself now

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this too
BlueDarkAurora September 6th
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@mytwistedsoul Loss loves to exaggerate all the things we never did or the things we did in a wrong way. It's always a feeling of you never tried enough and if you tired then it wasn't right enough. I believe the relation we have with someone is exclusive and not up for comparison with others<3 Cause if we do put it in the 'who's had who for longer' then everything seems bleak and meaningless. I hope you find an anchor to help you feel a bit more stable and connected, hope you find forgiveness for yourself and for all that hurt you. 

mytwistedsoul September 9th
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@BlueDarkAurora Thank you so much for your kind words ❤️

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