I Wish I Had Parents.
I feel like no one talks about the unique and isolating grief of having biological 'parents' that are alive, but have never been a true parent to you.
Who have not provided you warmth, safety, comfort, love, or support–but all the opposite, and so much neglect all around throughout your life. It's like being an orphan without the validation. A silent, unseen grief without the closure of death. It's a wound that's held open. But the pain of that parental absence is the same as if they were never alive with you at all.
There's no one to see you when you're at your lowest, no love to feel when all you need is a hug, no warm conversation to experience when you sit in an empty room, no guidance when you need to get on your feet and can't manage everything alone. It's just you fending for yourself, quietly, day by day, with no one to hear the crying.
Despite now being 23, the pain of being unloved and neglected hasn't grown out of my system or healed. I am constantly wishing that I had a second chance at having a loving parent, or parents.
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The discrimination of being FtM only serves to increase the absence of connection and worthiness of love in my life. No one seems to want or accept me for being different.
@UnseenxUnloved It might help a little if you develop a sense of being your own loving parent. It sounds kind of silly, but it actually helps me when I’m feeling down. We can’t change who are parents are and wishing it were different is something that still comes up for me, but I don’t stay there. You will be with you for life. You deserve to start practicing the skills of talking to yourself in soothing or encouraging ways. Lay down for twenty minutes and just let your inner self feel all the pain and frustration or whatever and then be there for that in a loving and nurturing way. You really are worth all the love and tender care you missed as a child. You really are just fine as the wonderful person you are. The world will judge or dismiss us because it’s a messed up world, but we don’t have to let that in. Who are they to judge? We don’t need their chatter in our head (because our mind naturally likes to replay their criticism) so just being aware that it’s there and ignoring it makes it go away. We have more important things to think and feel. Thoughts about how we are here in this world just as we are. Our existence is proof enough that we belong here in this place and at this time. So hug yourself sweet one, for you are a miracle, a child of this universe and this planet and you belong.
@FlatenedByLife I truly appreciate you taking the time out of your day to consider me with such thoughtfulness and compassion. To see me as more than just another face in the crowd–but someone else with a story as real as yours. Knowing you took your time to think about my suffering, to feel the same parental pain in your own way, and care enough to share that message makes me feel both very cared for, and very seen. Your words held a sense of healing I haven't received in a very long time. It really comforted me, like being wrapped in a warm blanket and made to feel that I belong. That I'm not out of place, if only for just this moment in my life.
You're right to say that some might judge this kind of loss, but it doesn't matter. Only someone whose shared this experience can understand it intimately, or the individual pain it leaves us with. I'm deeply sorry you know how it feels.
The fact you make conscious work not to stay in that headspace and better control where your attention goes shows a lot of progress in your efforts. I'm happy for you. Self love and self parenting really are so necessary in life, but especially in this case. It's wise, priceless advice, and it's wonderful you practice it.
—Despite learning and practicing both myself, there's things I'm still working to heal, and I've come to realize only recently that I've been stuck in an intense state of grief since I was very young. Underneath the self love lies bone-deep complicated grief. There's a lot to explain, but I don't want to overwhelm.
Even if there's still a lot of grief to move through, I'm very, sincerely grateful for the warmth you've shown me, and I'll continue to hold your words in a space of my mind. It was all deeply needed.
Your inner child deserves everything they didn't receive and more, too. To be seen, safe, and cared for. I hope they feel it all the time, in a way that always stays with you, even if it's not from the standard source of a biological family. You deserve it.
@UnseenxUnloved yeah! It's very sad, I can sympathise with your feelings. I'm 23 too🙂 unfortunately we can't change the past, or pretend to be someone we are not. I understand theese wounds, are something that will most likely not completely heal. But we can be the change we want and need ❤ we are in charge now, so do the things that make you smile, spoil yourself with many treats and love yourself that little bit harder. ❤❤❤ please know your not alone, gives you a giant tiny hug ❤❤squeezes you tightly ❤ we are all here for you ❤