Grandma is gone..

@Jaeteuk God bless you ❤ I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad your mum got to be there is her. Just take it easy for a few days. She's a angel now in heaven, and she's heard you when you talk to her ❤ reunited at long last with your granddad ❤ hugs you tightly ❤ I'm right here for you ❤❤ we all are ❤

I think I'm going to be just sleeping today and tomorrow.. Going to see a friend who has a puppy on Friday.. Spend time with her dog and treat it as dog therapy. I messaged my mum saying I took a couple of days off, so if she needs someone to chat with, can message me anytime..

I just feel so saddened that I didn't visit her in recent years.. the last time I saw her was in 2008.. I don't know why I'm impacted so much.. it's not like I have many memories and past times spent with her.. From what my parents tell me, I was more close to my grandfather (dad's dad), rather than grandma (mum's mum).. And yet, I'm more emotional with the news of her passing than I imagined.

@Tinywhisper11

@Jaeteuk it's funny how much grief impacts us, there could be many reasons why it hurts so much. You have some memories of her ❤ happy memories you'll cherish forever ❤ just take it slowly and let yourself feel the emotions ❤ dog therapy sounds like a great idea, hugs you tightly ❤we are all here for you ❤

My heart feels heavy, I'm not sure if I'll be ready to return to work by Monday or not.. for now, I just need to take it one day at a time.. I'm sure my Manager will understand if I need more time off..

@Tinywhisper11

@Jaeteuk bless you🙁 just take it easy, take as much time as you need ❤ and remember this is your safe place, you can talk to us here ❤ hugs you tightly ❤

It's been a long time since I've felt so emotionally unstable.. I think this is the first time I'm feeling the grief of someone passing.. I didn't feel much when grandpa left years ago though.. With grandpa, he had a bad fall, and passed within a month's time.. He was in his 80s.. I should've been more close with the grandparents on my dad's side, rather than my grandma passing on my mum's side.. 

I think I'm feeling a little bit of guilt too.. because I didn't feel the grief with grandpa, compared to grandma.. Although grandma is in her mid-90s, she had otherwise been living a healthy life.. If it wasn't for that heart attack at the end of June, she would've lived a couple more years.. It's my Uncle's fault.. Grandma's only son, he was the one who aggravated my Grandma causing her blood pressure to rise and eventually led to the heart attack.. I believe they were arguing about Grandma's will, or that's what I heard my mum talk about amongst her sisters.

I didn't get to meet grandpa, mum's dad.. he passed while my mum was pregnant with me.. sometimes, I'd like to think, at least I got his blessings before he passed away. I met grandpa at his grave when I went to HK in 2008 to visit relatives and grandparents.. I had a little chat with him then, introduced myself and wished him well. Now, when I return to HK in the future, I'll be seeing both of them there.. As for my grandparents, only my dad's mum is still living.. but, she's got dementia.. so, she may not live that long either..

I feel so sad.. I can feel myself frowning..

@Tinywhisper11

@Jaeteuk 😥 it's ok to feel whatever emotions your going through ❤ it's not a easy situation, and it's not your fault you were not as close to your grandparents as you wanted to be, you all live far away, and different lives. But the love is there in your heart and theirs ❤ when the time is right (many years from now) you will get to meet them and get to know them well ❤ I'm sure they watch over you, and are very proud🙂

Come to think of it.. I wish my dog was still here.. she would've been such a comfort during this time.. it's been almost a decade since we lost her.. with her, I could've given her hugs, lay on her, and just have her presence as a comfort.. now, I feel like I'm falling apart when there's no one to lean on.. 😭

@Jaeteuk the thing is losing a loved one/family member, grieving for them never heals completely. It was my sons birthday 2 days ago, he would of been 13. Everyone here who lives at the carehome with me put flowers by his cross, and I wrote him a poem🙂 I attached it to a balloon and let it float up to heaven ❤ pain never leaves, so take it one step at a time, and lean on us here at cups ❤

I'm so glad I have Cups. It's my only outlet and place where I can express all my feelings.

I guess I'm someone who gets emotionally attached to another person, whether or not our times together was long or short. Once I've exchange true feelings with that person, the emotions cling on. The same goes for grandma, although the time spent with her may have only been a small portion of my life, but our times together was precious.

How do I go on with life without feeling the sadness of losing her?

@Jaeteuk baby steps, allowing yourself to cry and feel. Grief doesn't go away but it gets easier ❤❤

I don't know if I'm ready to return to work by Monday. I'm afraid I'd be emotionally unstable if colleagues ask me how I'm doing. Someone from Cups suggested I should return to work, as working will keep my mind busy..

But the last time I worked after hearing the news that Grandma had a heart attack, I was very sad and worried and on the verge of breaking down the entire work week. Also, a colleague complained about my productivity and efficiency, and hurtful comments were also said to me that week.

With my parents in HK, I feel like I'm taking this grief all by myself. It doesn't look like my brother had any impact from the news of her passing. I feel like I'm the only one grieving, not being able to get a good night's rest, and slowly losing my appetite..

@Jaeteuk I'm so sorry for your loss. I remember speaking with you about her a few weeks ago. I'm so sorry to hear that she's passed. I'm glad your parents went early and that they could be there with her. 

Maybe you could get some flowers or do something to honor her memory? Even though you can't be there physically you can still be there in spirit and heart ❤️

I'm glad my mum made it in time for Grandma's last moments, I hope she left peacefully.. I'll wait and see what my mum thinks.. maybe I'll pitch in to the flowers they prepare.

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk She was surrounded by her loved ones.  That I think would bring peace ❤️

I received a message from my mum.. says Grandma passed of old age, not from the heart attack.. and said all the siblings were at her bedside, so she passed peacefully.. that was a relief to hear.

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk

I’m sorry for your loss. I bet your grandmother was a wonderful person and will be deeply missed. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. If you need anything, I’m here for you.

Thank you. I'm struggling with my unstable emotions. I did not expect her to pass away the same day my parents arrived in HK. I was not prepared at all for the news of her passing. I'm truly devastated and heartbroken. 😭

I only slept for 3 hours last night.. I'm going to have a chat with my mum today.. when she wakes up.. I didn't chat with her yesterday, because I was about to take a nap.. Today, I'll wait for the nap after she wakes up and we've chatted.. But I've messaged her my feelings and the emotions I'm having with the grief.. see what she'll say about it.

@Jaeteuk It's good you can message her and talk with her about your feelings. I hope it helped you feel alittle better. There seems to be alot of emotions that come up. I hope you can get some rest

I haven't received any messages from my mum.. So, not sure how things are going. She didn't reply to my messages, but she sent a message in our family group chat, saying that she met with all her siblings yesterday and that Grandma left in peace. (My dad created the family group chat, just the four of us.. parents, brother, and I.. upon arriving in HK a few days ago).

I can't wait until tomorrow, when I go spend time with my colleague's puppy. Hopefully it will help, makes me think of my own dog that passed almost a decade ago. Would've been nice if Cocoa was still around.. she would've been a good therapy dog for me. 

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk Oh that's that great that your dad set that up. Much easy I bet for you all to keep in touch

I've lost my appetite.. haven't had any dinner tonight.. and it's almost 9pm.. Think I'll just go to bed, and have a breakfast tomorrow.. Said I'll be at colleague's place by 7:30am.. Will see if I could sleep tonight.. Last night, I couldn't fall asleep until after 3am.. then, was awake before 6am..

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk That's not good. I hope you ate some breakfast this morning. Even if it was just some toast. You need to keep your strength up. Especially if your sleep is being affected too

Yes, I had some almond butter toast this morning and some coffee.

At my colleague's now. Sleep wasn't great again, was awake around 5:45am. She works remotely at home.. so, in between her meetings, we chat. Her son is at home too, while the husband left for work earlier in the morning.

@Jaeteuk

im so sorry about your Grandma.  She sounds like a really special person and I’m glad you have some good memories over her.

I just got off the phone with my mum, we talked for 53 minutes.

She told me how grandma left, and what my Eldest Aunt said to Grandma by her ear during her last moments. My mum says in a couple of hours, her and her sisters will go to the funeral home and find out when they can cremate grandma. After cremation, Grandma will be with Grandpa. My mum told me a lot of things, even she found it awkward that I feel the grief and how much it has affected me.

So now, I'll just need to process all that she's said about Grandma, and hopefully I can feel like me again. I'm planning to take another week off, next week is a short 4-day week. As it's a holiday for us on Monday. So, I'll call in Monday, and leave a message saying that I'll be off for the week. I'll process everything this weekend.. and see if I can do something to adjust my sleep.. Then, I'll see how things go after next week..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, I went to my colleague's place as planned this morning. I was welcomed with a bark. I have not heard Timmy bark before, so that was a first. He remembers me. I spent the morning there and left around 12:30pm. Colleague prepared me some lunch before leaving. There's like a strip mall right below her complex, along with her son and Timmy, we went to the Vet to grab is medication. Then, we parted ways. She had to rush back for another meeting for work. I saw her going into her building as I walked back to get my car. It was nice to get out of the house, we chatted for a bit in between her meetings. It was nice to have someone understand what grieving is, as she shared she lost her dad 3 years ago. She suggested I take another week off, and just focus on grieving, rather than worry about whether or not I should return to work.

So, that's the plan now. My brother has a 4-day long weekend. His friend came over and they went out for lunch.. I heard from my brother, that friend will come over on Sunday for a BBQ. Not sure if more friends will join or if it's just him. He brought over some fish they planned to grill over the BBQ stove, and brought a bottle of white wine. I guess I'll find out on Sunday if there will be more guests coming or it's just that one friend. 

@Jaeteuk I'm glad you ate. Sounds like you had a nice relaxing time with your colleague. How are you today? 

I've been feeling much better after the phone call with my mum. I was able sleep through the night. I still feel saddened, so I'm glad I've chosen to take another week off from work. 

My mum says she'll have a larger flower stand representing our family, and put our names on it. I've been looking to see what kind of message I can have my mum write on my behalf on the memorial book for Grandma. 

I feel that I'm more emotionally attached to Grandma, or to most people I encounter. So, when she passed, it had impacted more head-on than others. 

With brother's friend coming over.. I didn't really eat with them.. let them have their boys' time. But my brother did leave some food for me, so that was nice. Last summer, my brother bought a personal sized charcoal BBQ stove, the Japanese type. Where you have food on skewers over the charcoal to cook it. So, every time the friend comes over, they are sitting at our front porch. Eating and drinking. 

I went to take a nap before waking up around 7pm, and found there were some wings and fish left for me.

One of my PenPals here in Cups, suggested that if I chose to take this week off from work, to get out of the house more. So, since today is a Holiday, my Uncle asked my brother yesterday if we're free for lunch. He'll be coming into our city and have lunch with my brother and I. A late lunch though, 1:30pm, so it'll be the 4 of us. Uncle + Aunt, and brother and I. This Uncle, he retired from his job in HK last year, and is living his retirement here. His son, recently moved to New York for work, and has moved in with his girlfriend there. My cousin has been working in the States ever since he graduated from University. I think he's almost 30 now. One of our richer cousins. My Uncle used to fly here only during special holidays, now he's moved back here for retirement. Uncle lives about at least an hour's drive away from us. 

My heart still feels heavy when I think about Grandma. I think I will be like this for some time, or at least until Grandma is reunited with Grandpa. 

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk I'm glad you were feeling better after her phone call and were able to sleep through the night. I think it's normal to still feel sad and there will probably be times when it hits harder than others. I've found that grief seems to come and go in waves

I think my Uncle would rather be here. As my Aunt and cousin were on their own for most of year, and that he only visited maybe 2-3 months total per year? Back in HK, he and my 2nd Uncle were business partners in a Jewelry Factory that 2nd Uncle owned. Come to think of it, I'm not sure if my 2nd Uncle still has the factory or not. 

My Uncle moved here because of the complicated politics back in HK, I believe many young couples also came to Canada and the UK over the past few years because of it.

So, I'll be returning to work next week.. I'm actually afraid of people asking me why I had been off.. or if I'm okay.. You know how colleagues are, most of them don't actually really care, and is just out of courtesy to ask. I find many of them kind look away when I answer their questions, or you could see their eyes and ears are focusing on other conversations happening in the same space. Like yesterday, one of my colleagues messaged me, only to ask if I was going to work in the morning, as she received many call-outs. (I know that aside with my sudden absence, there are 2 other colleagues on vacation).. So, there's only 3 of them, when there's usually 5 of us throughout the day. Which probably means at least 2 of them will need to work overtime to cover the work, and probably ask the Nurses to help out when possible. I also told her I won't be working for the week.

When asked, should I tell the truth of needing time off to grieve? I'm not very good with lying.. and 3 people, including my Manager, knows the reason why I'm off.. How are you suppose to reply when others say they're sorry for my loss? A "thank you"?

At least the dates are chosen for the memorial/funeral. I wonder if the cousins in HK will attend.. if it weren't for the expensive flight and accommodation, I think I would've wanted to be there. My mum said notices were given out to all extended family and Grandma's friends. 

I think I will feel a bit more relieved after Grandma has been reunited with Grandpa. For now, I still haven't had a good cry.. I've been so used to holding in my tears for purposes of sadness that I can't cry over the loss now, maybe that's why my heart feels so weighted down..

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk That must have been hard for all of them being so far apart during that time. Omgosh politics complicates everything doesn't it? The world needs to work towards more peace all over. There's just so much turmoil everywhere

You know, just thinking about how I'll have to say that my Grandma passed as the reason to why I've been off, just the thought of saying it out loud to those who ask me, makes me feel sad all over again. But then, I don't think it's a good excuse of not returning to work (excuse: it saddens me if asked). So, I'll still go to work on Monday and see if I can control my emotions. If it's too overwhelming, then, it probably means I'm not ready to return to work yet. I'm sure they'll be understanding.

Grandpa had been on his own since a year before I was born. So, it's nice to know that he's finally finished waiting for the reunion with Grandma. I remember, when I last went to Grandma's place in 2008, I saw many pictures of them. Those black and white wedding photos. Grandma was a beautiful lady and Grandpa was very handsome in his military uniform. For some reason, even with just looking at the pictures, I can still remember what Grandpa looks like, although I never got the chance to meet him in person. 

Crying is so difficult. That is so true, especially when we've been bottling up our emotions because of depression for decades. Now that when sadness comes, it's like my natural instinct to hold back the tears. But you know, I can't hold them back when I'm watching emotional TV drama scenes. It's weird. So, it's not like I lost the ability to cry, but I just can't do it during sadness or when needed. The most that I can progress is feeling teary, or I'd be sniffling. But, the tears just won't stream down my face.

@mytwistedsoul

@Jaeteuk Saying it out loud makes it real. Maybe that sound stupid but that's how I always looked at it. You start to feel that stinging in the back of your eyes and your voice cracks alittle

@Jaeteuk So very sorry for your loss. I truly am. Your in my prayers and thoughts, during this time.

So, I sent my mum a message on what I have chosen for words for Grandma. Dad suggested I go buy my own card and mail it. Then see if I can send it through express, so it arrives in HK by next Friday, the latest. Since the funeral/memorial will be for next weekend. I'd better head out to the mall now and buy the card. First maybe ask the post office if regular mail can be sent through express first, then, purchase the card.

My first day back at work yesterday. Only 2 colleagues cared enough to say they're sorry for losing my Grandma. Unexpectedly from those two.. But honestly, I don't feel I'm 100% ready to return to work yet.. Once I'm back, the colleagues on my team have a way to make me feel that it's my mistake for not being able to work the past 1.5 weeks.. This one colleague makes me feel like I must work next week, because she's on vacation.. (I'm supposed to be off, and I was looking forward to it).. But, she made it sound like it's my duty as a Casual to pick up those shifts, as our second Casual got a full-time position at a different hospital and starts today.. she was supposed to be working next week, and I get to have it off. But this colleague made it sound like, I MUST work it.. so, I ended up agreed to working Tues - Thurs.

But honestly, I still don't feel like working this week. I'm still quite saddened when I'm at work.. yes, it keeps my mind busy.. but, my mind is entirely at work either.. Still going through the mixed emotions stages of grief..

Typo: My mind is not entirely at work either.

So, when I got to work today (Wednesday), I got into a heated conversation with my colleague near the beginning of my shift. I'm just so upset and angry, that she keeps comparing my grief to what they call "we all have sh*t going on in our lives and we still come to work like a normal person".

Maybe I'm not a normal person. So, just as I've planned, I have called in sick for Thursday and Friday's shift this week. I called after my shift tonight (Wednesday), in my car. I also went for my comfort food after work. A Korean restaurant that I just went to the past Sunday by myself too. That place was packed, they open everyday from 11am - 11pm. I arrived around 8:30pm, and had to wait for a seat! It's a small restaurant though, maybe only seat 28-30 people in total. 

Tomorrow, I'm going over to my colleague's/friend's place and spend time with her puppy again. My only dog therapy for now.. maybe I need Grief Counselling.. But I don't have extended medical insurance to cover for it..

@Jaeteuk I'm sorry this person is lacking in compassion and understanding. What she said was so wrong and insensitive. She doesn't have to agree with how you're grieving but those comments she should have the decency to keep to herself. Nobody knows how they'll grieve when they lose someone. There isn't some rulebook for grief. It's not a one size fits all experience. I lost my father in December. I never imagined that it would affect me the way it has