Things you remember of the loved one you lost
Let's imagine we are sitting in a circle around a campfire at dusk.
There might be darkness out there, but we are together, sharing our stories, and the fire brings us light and warmth.
Someone asks "What things you remember most vividly of the loved one you lost?"
Questions:
- What things you remember most vividly of the loved one you lost? Might be a character trait, a situation, a habit, an anecdote, or any vivid memory that comes to your mind.
- How have you been feeling these days?
These questions are optional. You can add any comments you wish, as they come to your mind.
I look forward to your answers!
And I wish you all the best!
Marcelo.
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This piece was first posted as the Grief & Loss Check-In of August 1st, 2023
Their sense of humor and their voice. The best voice in the world. I miss that voice so much. But it still hurts to hear it ❤️🩹
@mish3l I am sorry for your loss. I am sure your loved one knew just how loved they were by you. I hope you always hold onto the memories and that one day, you will find healing and comfort. ♡ Your loved one must have been such an amazing person with an incredible sense of humor and you are so blessed to have been able to love them. Cherish their voice and always keep them close to your heart. You sharing will keep them alive and when the healing happens, there will be the time that comes when you think of them or talk about them that you smile. Take care of yourself. ♡ XOXO.
@mish3l
Thank you, Mish, for coming to this check-in and sharing your thoughts and feelings.
It seems heartwarming that you remember so beautiful things. Their humor, which made you feel cheerful moments. And their lovely voice. That you still appreciate vividly in your memory as incredibly beautiful.
Those kinds of memories are bittersweet. You might appreciate the privilege of having enjoyed, and even still enjoy today in your memories, such a beautiful voice and uplifting humor.
And at the same time, feel the pain of their real absence. The absence of something so immensely good in your life.
It's very noble of you, Mish, that you honor their memory by appreciating such a wonderful side of them. That all that beauty has been preserved in your remembrance of them.
Thank you again, Mish!
I hope we talk again soon.
Marcelo.
The times my grandfather visited when I was young and taught me to play Mahjong. I sadly don't have much memories of him, as when I was even younger, I don't remember him. Even when my parents tell me, that whenever we went for walks/hikes, and I get tired, he would always pick me up. I don't remember any of that though.
When my parents' friends ask who taught me to play, I'll always say it's my Grandfather. It's been nearly a decade since his passing, my dad almost didn't make it back to Hong Kong in his last moments.
I missed my dog too. She was such a sweetheart, had been by my side during my depression days. She was my comfort dog. She'd either snuggle at my feet or I'll go and lay beside her. My brother has a shared custody of a dog with his ex-wife, we get to have him whenever she goes on vacation. But even with him, we're often reminded of our dog and we compare their behaviours.
Can I also say one more thing? I'm also quite sensitive to celebrities passing. Especially with those who has sudden, unexpected deaths. There was this one, who lived by himself, got out of the shower, slipped, and banged his head on a bedside table. Manager went to his place in the morning because he didn't go down to the lobby to wait for his ride, and found him already breathless. Then, another guy, he was participating in a variety show, where there were a lot of running around, thought he caught a cold and wasn't feeling well, but ended up having a heart attack. Both losses of these celebrities, for the longest time, I was unable to watch videos of them from YouTube. Just seeing their face, broke my heart. The one with the heart attack, it took me a few years, before I could start seeing his face, but I think that it will always be with a heavy heart.
Then of course, there are those who take their own lives (celebrities/idols). Those are heartbreaking too. Difficult to listen to their songs and see their face. The sadness in the faces of the other members of the group, it's unbearable.
@HealingTalk
@Jaeteuk
Hi, Jae!
Thank you for coming to this check-in and for sharing your experiences and feelings.
It's very moving that you have such deep love for your grandfather, even if you can't recall specific memories. You may not have many conscious memories, but it seems like, deep inside your unconscious, all the love he gave you when you were a child made a great positive impact on your life. It's like his love was food for your soul, and contributed to making you great loving and lovely person you are..
It also seems like your connection with him has come to represent more than just your grandfather, but your connection to your cultural heritage as well. For example, it might seem a small thing, but you continue to honor him and his memory by cultivating his same passion for playing Mahjong. Your grandfather’s legacy lives on in many ways in you.
Regarding your dog, it seems like she was not just your pet, but your emotional companion and support. She was there for you at the lowest points in your life, and that bond you two shared is a memory to treasure. Dogs can feel and act in such a therapeutic way. In fact, there are dogs trained for that purpose ("service dogs"). But even if not trained, they are very healing. I know people with severe emotional issues who went to great lengths to get a dog accepted in their building or even in their dorm (in the case of university students) based on their needs due to their mental health. They did a lot of paperwork, but finally got accepted, because mental health professionals confirm and formally certify the therapeutic effect dogs as permanent companions.
I imagine that spending time with your brother's dog might be a bittersweet experience as you enjoy its company, but you might remember with sadness your own loved dog that was so supportive in critical moments of your life.
You are a very empathic and compassionate person. You feel intensely such compassion and pain, even for celebrities who you’ve never met, but with whom you've connected through their art.
It's understandable that hearing about their sudden or unexpected deaths might be extremely hard, and it might feel like losing someone close to you.
Sometimes, knowing that a person has passed away untimely or tragically, can make it impossible to enjoy any more things they did that you appreciated very much. It's understandable and totally okay to feel all the sadness you feel for that.
Thank you again, Jae, for sharing your moving experiences and emotions.
I wish you all the best today and I hope to meet you soon!
Marcelo.
Hello Marcelo,
Thank you for your understanding and insights to the memories of my grandfather. It didn't occur to me that playing Mahjong is the same as carrying on his legacy. Although I'm not good at playing, especially when playing with my parent's friends (I always lose), but to be able to play does bring back a flow of memories of both my grandfather and grandmother, as they both visited us in Canada when I was young. My grandmother now is in the early stages of dementia, my uncles in Hong Kong take turns caring for her. I hope I can go back to visit her and both my grandfathers.
My mum's dad, he passed away a year before I was born. So, I've only seen him in photos. He was a very handsome military man. I belive he was in the WWII. My brother had memories of him, not me. But at least hearing from my mum, he knew my mum was pregnant with me before his passing. So, at least, I would be remembered by him im his last moments.
@Jaeteuk
Jae:
I am glad that the idea that you incorporated in some significant ways the legacy of your grandfather, resonates with you. And that by doing so, your assimilated and carried forward your family's cultural heritage.
I wish you that you can visit your grandmother and your uncles in Hong Kong.
I am sure that your mum's dad was very aware that you were coming, and he loved you as we love a child that is about to be born into our family.
@wittyHuman4937
It sounds like you're describing a truly deep, and profound love. You can see that the love she gave you was unconditional, and that love is truly irreplaceable. She made you feel seen, heard, and important.
This is a blessing you had in your life, and losing someone so meaningful is a profound loss. Your words show such deep care and love for her, and I think that speaks to the beautiful soul that she was, and that you are now.
@YourCaringConfidant
Your beautiful words enter my heart and make me happy when you talk about my father with such tenderness... I did not feel this experience before because I cannot talk about him from the day he passed away .... Thank you and for your kind feelings I love you💔🕊💐
I liked this post. That's absolutely sth not asked or dared to self-check. I get very numb, and mute after a loss. I wish I could say something now. I can't. This question made me feel better though. Some space to feel the grief.
@WavesandSea
Thank you for your kind, grateful words!
Getting numb is a natural reaction.
As you might now, this way our mind protects us from feeling too much pain.
You will be able to express yourself fully in due time.
In the meanwhile, how good that this space served you to allow your emotions be felt and validated.
This is exactly its purpose.
I invite you to continue coming to this Community when you feel like it, and share your feelings.
Or just read.
Or support others, which might also be healing.
Thank you again for your presence!
You are always much welcome here!
See you soon!
Marcelo.
(By the way, I saw in your Profile a link to "Sein und Zeit", maybe the most challenging and rewarding book I read in my life. Everything is different after that.)
Thank you Marcelo! Reading Heidegger gave me a very different perspective, I wouldn't find anything supreme in just "floating" in everyday life otherwise. But, then it became effortless and enough again, just being too. Happy to be able to talk about it with you, thanks for mentioning. I will be reading the posts here under your lovely compassionate post which I believe holds a space for anyone who has been suffering. Thank you again.
@WavesandSea
Thank you so much for your kind words!
I am glad that you like the approach of offering a space for anyone to be themselves, to channel their emotions, and hopefully, this way help mitigate their pain.
It's okay not to feel ok, particularly with grief, which is not a mental disorder that must be "cured", but part of the human experience, a distinctive result of our human condition.
In my opinion, issues relevant to this Community resonate with some themes by Heidegger, like his very down-to-earth approach and focus on "real" and not "ideal " life, how relationships with close others define us, the uncertain duration but certain finitude of human life, the opportunity to live with authenticity on the face of this most dramatic fact that defines us so much, etc.
Thank you for reading! You are also invited to post your ideas too, and hopefully, who knows, in the future become a member of the Team (yes, this is an invitation 🥰).
Thank you again for your heartwarming, encouraging, and honest words!
I hope we stay in touch.
See you soon!
Marcelo.
How do I find someone to help me get rid of this feeling? I am very distracted by my thoughts
Hi, Saly!
You are invited to share your feelings as much as you feel comfortable sharing.
Sharing this side of our lives is what this community is all about.
You can start at any point.
Just write down things as they come to your mind, in no particular order.
We will read attentively your thoughts and try to answer in the most supportive way we can.
I personally welcome anything you write about those topics that you feel annoy some people.
I am sorry that you had such a succession of severe losses.
It might be difficult, I think, to get rid of that feeling after such great losses.
But you can get stronger, get better at coping with it, so it doesn't hurt so much, and then you might begin to have more comforting feelings as well, not only the sad ones.
You have been contributing a lot to this community, supporting others with genuine compassion.
You deserve all the support we might be able to give you.
This space is yours.
You are loved and your words are much welcome here!
Marcelo
@Saly33
My father he was so courageous. He was a Vietnam veteran. I always felt protected around him. He was the only one in my life who gave me advice and rooted for me. He wasn’t the type of father to ever yell or hit. Instead he would talk me down and reason with me. I miss everything about him but what I miss most was his 5-10 phone calls a day asking how I was doing and what I was doing. He really knew how to make someone feel loved, appreciated and most of all heard. You can’t replace that so when I lost him I lost myself.
@blueCranberry4808
Your love and admiration for your father is palpable in every word you're describing him with.
He was as a gentle, caring, compassionate, and fiercely loving man who would do anything to make you feel heard, safe, and comfortable.
It seems like you had a very special relationship, where you felt seen and protected.
He sounds like such a wonderful father and person, and the intense grief you're feeling at his loss is entirely understandable, healthy and valid.
It is very noble of you that you honor his memory with so much love and admiring words, for all of us to know what a great man he was.
I lost both my parents, grandparents, and Aunt in a short period of time. But lately I have been missing my Dad the most. I miss his strength and I'm his wisdom. Possibly because I need those both right now. I just miss him.
right now I'm feeling anxiety. I need to make some changes in my life and I just want to curl up in a ball and hide under the covers.
@toughTurtle4871
What a heartbreaking series of losses!
You have been through such an intense period of grief that must have felt overwhelming and exhausting.
You lost so many important and significant people in your life, so quickly.
It might take some time to process all the things that happened.
I send you all my appreciation and my wish that you might find the strength and peace of mind to cope with so much grief.
Losing your dad seems to have been particularly grievous and painful, because he was such a powerful source of strength for you. This was a really, really huge loss.
While you won't have him back, and you might keep feeling the void he left, you might take his inspiration as a legacy he left you.
He left you a role model to build your own strength and wisdom.
Regarding your anxiety due to significant life changes, when you feel overwhelmed it's ok to retreat and hide away from the world from time to time.
Hiding under the blankets might be the best thing to do sometimes.
I send you all my appreciation and warmth from here and wish you all the best.
Marcelo.