intrusive thoughts making me sick.
*this could be triggering to anyone suffering from panic attacks or intrusive thoughts*
Ok so i know why this happened a second time but the emotion is so raw it really terrified me, basicaly one day i caught a bus, got mildly irratated and thought, 'what if i hit someone?' this lead me to have a full blown panic attack and vomit due to the intensity of the fear, i know i would not hurt anyone and i am not an angry or violent person, the thought alone triggred me to panic and that made me feel like i was losing control, that i could just as easily lash out on someone else... the whole thing was awful, because of the thoughts i couldent stand being around anyone trying to comfort me that day.
anyway, this happened a second time today, i was on the bus and i remembered this happening, suddenly i had the urge to get off the bus to calm myself, i felt so trapped and scared. i tried reasoning with myself 'i would not even hurt a fly, what could i even do?!' and as soon as i thought of anything vaguely menacing i had all the symptoms of a panic attack wash over me aside from shaking and crying.. which helps release that tension... i was proud i did not have a meltdown on the bus, but i was obsessing over the thought and then my hands, like they alone would reach out and grab without my consent. as soon as i stepped off i vomited into a hedge, i was so disgusted with myself for having thoughts i could not control, even though i know i would not act on it
to cut it short the main triggering thought was, if i could lose control of my anxiety, why not my anger i have never expressed? i have a horrible phobia of anger and expressing it, like i'll open something i can't close and it will get worse... i just need somone to tell me im not crazy because the severity of the panic attack made me not want to leave the house again.
sorry if this was too much.
@Shipwreck
Hey there. I don't profess to have much of any knowledge about panic attacks. But I noticed your post was unanswered, so I thought I would pitch in. Apologies if it's unhelpful 😳
Firstly, well done on managing that panic and getting off the bus. It sounds like you're trying very hard to reason your way out of this panic, to recognise your thoughts are unlikely to come true....in fact they're pretty irrational aren't they?
You say you have a phobia of anger. Do you know that anger is a basic human emotion? It's okay to be angry.....in fact it's very normal. And if you can control your panic, why would you fear being able to control your anger?
I wonder if you could start trying to express your anger in a safe environment? Maybe at home, or with a trusted friend. Think about things in your life that have caused you to feel anger, why they caused that feeling, how you dealt with them, whether there were alternate ways to handle situations. Hopefully you can see that anger can be processed safely, and doesn't have to pose a danger to either yourself or others.
By the way, you're not crazy, and your thoughts are not too much. Take good care :)
@Shipwreck I know this post is from a while ago but I'll bet many other people feel the same and thought I would reply in case it's helpful to you or anyone else...
First of all, no, you're not "crazy" and these feelings do happen to many other people. However, they can be really overwhelming (as you experienced) and then it's very common for people to avoid leaving their house because of fear this will happen again.
For what you describe, I do think that therapy (whether it's here, or with someone in your local area) would be really helpful. There are a few things a therapist would help you practice so you can feel confident that you'll be able to control and monitor the anger and anxiety for the long-term.
A big thing is to look at other times in your life when you have been angry and what happened when you did express it. What were you taught about anger? How have you witnessed people in your life expressing anger? Looking at these things will give you insight into why you are avoiding anger and what may be underlying the fear of expressing it.
Practically, there are also things to help with a panic attack in the moment. Things like deep breathing and focusing on one specific thought can help with this. When you're having a panic attack, it's nearly impossible to think rationally or to focus on a multitude of coping skills. So practicing just 1-2 things to do during a panic attack can help a lot.
Hope this helps and thank you so much for sharing!
-Maelisa
