It doesn't feel like progress
60 days ago I decided (again) to stop purging after being stuck in various binge/purge cycles the last 6 years. Sidenote: it makes me sad to realise how many good years of my life I wasted on this. But anyway, as soon as I decided to start this journey again, I instantly felt that it was different this time. This time there is absolutely no way that i will purge ever again. I made a promise to myself and i s8tand by it. And indeed, i haven't purged for 60 days now, which I'm really proud of and I know in my mind that I'm doing the right thing, but it doesn't feel like progress ...
I still have really depressive episodes, shorter but more frequent. It makes sense of course because I used binging and purging to cover these up or "deal with them", and now I have to find different ways to deal with them.
I still have small binges and my eating pattern is messed up. Knowing that purging is not an option (i literally try to pretend that purging is physically impossible) I don't eat ridiculous amouts of food anymore, but i still overeat in smaller amounts frequently. I'm slowly dealing with this problem, but it's a difficult one. First I'm working on my sleeping pattern, then it will be water intake, then implementing a 3 meal structure again and then avoiding unnecessary snacking/binging.
And finally, I feel like my overall energy is different. Before I would be crazy productive for about 4 weeks to then crash (and i mean, CRASH) for a week or maybe 2 and start the cycle again. Now, to avoid the crash, I try to manage my energy a bit better but I get so afraid of pushing now that the balance is tipping over more to the lazy side. I'm not sure yet what to do about this problem.
Anyway, I'm sorry this post got crazy long. Actually all I want to say is, I know I'm doing the right thing, but my goal seems do far away cause the more I work on the problem the more subproblems and subgoals arise. I want to "fix" them all at the same time, but I have to be patient. So now I'm in this weird in between phase and it feels pretty shitty. But I'm hopeful for the future.
Thanks for reading, if you made it this far 😅 and have a wonderful day 😘
@Eva456
I'm proud of you for going so long without purging--it's a great accomplishment and takes a lot of strength. I can understand feeling like you aren't making progress because you don't "feel" better yet--but it's true when people say things get worse before they get better. I am in a similar boat with regard to going through intensive eating disorder treatment over the past year and feeling like "ok now what? I'm not restricting or purging or overexercising but I feel terrible what's the point" but I've had glimpses of why it's so important to stick with it even when it's painful and slow and frustrating. Reasons why it's worth it. I'm really glad that you feel hopeful about the future and even if you can see it, I certainly think you've made progress. In terms of tipping over towards inactivity--it's okay! We need rest! We don't need to go go go at all times! And in terms of bingeing it's important to believe and behave as if no foods are off limits--this may increase binges or urges to binge at first but over time your brain and your body will come to trust that they aren't being deprived and they don't NEED to binge. You aren't bad or failing for using this behavior still in some ways from time to time--it's HARD to change our behaviors and it's normal to lean back on what's familiar. And there's nothing wrong with snacking too--sometimes it actually is necessary.
Very proud of you, wishing you all the best, and feel free to check out the ED support community in the forums or to message me anytime if you need some extra support or resources.