Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav
Eva456
860 M Little Steps 1
PathStep 66 Compassion hearts52 Forum posts27 Forum upvotes31 Current upvotes31 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2022 Member sinceNovember 25, 2019
Recent forum posts
It doesn't feel like progress
General Support / by Eva456
Last post
 February 7th, 2020
...See more 60 days ago I decided (again) to stop purging after being stuck in various binge/purge cycles the last 6 years. Sidenote: it makes me sad to realise how many good years of my life I wasted on this. But anyway, as soon as I decided to start this journey again, I instantly felt that it was different this time. This time there is absolutely no way that i will purge ever again. I made a promise to myself and i s8tand by it. And indeed, i haven't purged for 60 days now, which I'm really proud of and I know in my mind that I'm doing the right thing, but it doesn't feel like progress ... I still have really depressive episodes, shorter but more frequent. It makes sense of course because I used binging and purging to cover these up or "deal with them", and now I have to find different ways to deal with them. I still have small binges and my eating pattern is messed up. Knowing that purging is not an option (i literally try to pretend that purging is physically impossible) I don't eat ridiculous amouts of food anymore, but i still overeat in smaller amounts frequently. I'm slowly dealing with this problem, but it's a difficult one. First I'm working on my sleeping pattern, then it will be water intake, then implementing a 3 meal structure again and then avoiding unnecessary snacking/binging. And finally, I feel like my overall energy is different. Before I would be crazy productive for about 4 weeks to then crash (and i mean, CRASH) for a week or maybe 2 and start the cycle again. Now, to avoid the crash, I try to manage my energy a bit better but I get so afraid of pushing now that the balance is tipping over more to the lazy side. I'm not sure yet what to do about this problem. Anyway, I'm sorry this post got crazy long. Actually all I want to say is, I know I'm doing the right thing, but my goal seems do far away cause the more I work on the problem the more subproblems and subgoals arise. I want to "fix" them all at the same time, but I have to be patient. So now I'm in this weird in between phase and it feels pretty shitty. But I'm hopeful for the future. Thanks for reading, if you made it this far 😅 and have a wonderful day 😘
Diaries of a recovering bulimic and confused young adult
Journals & Diaries / by Eva456
Last post
 March 11th, 2020
...See more It's a Sunday evening in Berlin, which means all supermarkets are closed. As usual I wasn't foreseeing enough to do a proper foodshop, leading to an empty fridge this evening. So, takeout food it is! I'm not gonna lie, I was kind of happy when I found out I 'had to' get takeout tonight, and the whole day I was thinking about what I would order and what I would watch whilst eating it. About an hour ago I opened the Lieferando website to have a look at my options tonight, only to be overwhelmed by the variety of food and different kitchens they offer. I wanted everything and nothing at the same time. After a long search going from indian to pizza to vegan food, I found a nice vegan place where I could order a mixed platter with naan bread and a slice of bananacake. As I was about to order it I started to panick. It was too much. I'm trying to get in shape and healthy (in a physical fitness kind of way, not estethically), how is this going to help me ever reaching my goals? I start to look for something smaller, but realise soon enough that these dishes will only make me want more food and I will end up going to the late night shop to buy shit food anyway. At this point I only see 2 options. I order a load of food and throw up afterwards, or I order a small portion which will leave me unsatisfied and will probably drive me to satisfy cravings by eating a whole pack of coockies. I close the website and try to still my hunger temporarily with some crackers. My housemate has some salad and tomoatoes I can use, I have a tin of chikpeas, if I get eggs from the late night shop that somehow makes up a meal right? This feels good, this feels safe, this I can do. I hope one day I can eat nice food without the need nor the fear to overindulge, but until then I will have keep to my safe foods: porridge, eggs, bread, spreads and vegetables. Don't get me wrong, I do eat other foods and every now and then I get take out, but it does lead to overindulging which is sometimes fine, but when I just want a normal meal without any inner conflict, eggs and veg it is.
Search more from @Eva456
Considering Therapy?
Talk to an expert therapist
Badges & Awards
19 total badges
Hand Shake Linked Quintet Chief Chat Honest Voice Reconnect First Post Debuted Reaching out Helping out Appreciated Voice Contributor First Compassion Helpful heart ADHD Forum Companion Meet & Greet Teammate Forum Friend
Report an issue