@HealerRecel02
Thank you for being so supportive 💖 💓 💗 💕
I've seriously rarely had anyone talk like this to me before 🥹🥹
But the thing that makes me feel ugly inside is that other people sometimes make me feel unwanted ☹️
For example, they would forget about me. Forget to tell me things, or sometimes blatantly tell me they don't want to tell me their secrets
(I mean, it is completely okay to not want to tell me their secrets, but what hurts is that I am supposedly their best friend and I am usually the last to know. I never broke their trust before, and yet the 'friend' who is untrustworthy gets to know before me. Am I just worse than her?)
Plus, to others I am just a background character or filler friend. They don't notice my presence, they don't notice my absence. They don't even notice my blatant cries for help.
(Like, I posted on *** the line 'if I disappeared, would anyone care?'. Nobody even bothered to go out of their way to check in on me. Not even the friends that claim to love me).
I never hear people say 'where were you? I was looking for you' or 'i missed you'.
It's like I don't matter at all to these people.
They don't bother to go out of their way for me. To check in on me, to talk to me, or even to listen to what I say. Literally, I am used to being talked over or practically shoved out of the conversation.
I wonder sometimes if I 'stopped breathing', would anyone really care?
This all just fuels my low self esteem.
I wonder sometimes if people intentionally ignore me.
Is my personality just that dull and grey?
I never even understand their interests, they always talk about a celebrity I never heard of, a show I never watched, or a song I never listened to.
I don't share many of their interests. I don't do the same things they do, such as wear makeup or 'stylish' clothes.
(A girl literally made fun of me once for having a 'small chest'. I thought it looked average 😟)
So I am just naturally left out. I feel boring, and people don't engage with me because I am not interesting enough.
Like I said earlier, I just don't like doing what why do.
I don't want to sound like a 'not like other girls' person, but I feel it is true. In a bad way. I prefer more modest clothes, no makeup (partially because I don't know how to do makeup lol), and classical over pop.
I hate this, it is ruining my social life. I just can't make myself like what they do.
((I'm really sorry if I sound like a 'pick me' or 'not like other girls'))
I also don't go out to social gatherings or birthday parties. My mom never let me go to birthday parties or have one growing up, now I am just scared to attend one. I don't know what it's like and I'm not used to them.
I don't like the loud music, the crowd, the partying that I hear about.
Plus, I wouldn't want to attend one anyways. People will still ignore me.
Even at my own party I had many many many years ago, my mom actually let me have a birthday party with friends when we were around 6 or 7.
I was ignored. At my own birthday party.
Literally, not one kid gave a *** about me. I tried to get people to play a game with me, ignored. I try to join in on a game? Ignored again. I try to just join the conversation? Ignored like I was literally nothing.
Now I just don't know how to handle lots of attention, and I don't want another party in fear of being ignored at my own party again.
People didn't care about me then, why would they care about me when I attended someone else's party?
But this complete lack of attention or care, it hurts me deeply. I hate being ignored, so sometimes I just be alone. I don't give them the chance to ignore me.
Why can't they just talk to me? I don't know how to keep up a conversation, so whenever someone else does it is like godsend to me. But why would anyone care about me enough to do so?
If i stopped breathing, I don't think anyone would care.
I'd better stop before this gets too long. Thanks for caring enough about me to read my sob stories. ❤️🩹