Depersonalization/derealization/dissociation

@orangeCherry98

(Continuation of my story)

It is extremely lonely feeling like there is a veil between you and your environment, including people. It has affected everything for me from my health, social skills, relationships, memory, sense of time, and of course school. I actually dropped out at 15 because my symptoms were too intense. I have tried various adult schools since and have completed certain things but always ended up dropping out again due to feeling too separate and distanced which caused a lot of anxiety. This cycle and worrying about school, while isolating myself has caused me to have depression as well. So I figured I have to be alone to feel completely comfortable or surrounded only by people who I have a lot in common with. I at least have been educating myself in many ways since through the Internet and books but I wish my health could get better so I could study either in the Arts field or the Environment. I'm also an environmental/ethical activist and haven't done as much as I've aspired to in this area. I have chronic fatigue, depression, anxiety and depersonalization. I am tired of the mental health stigma in our society and I'm tired of people not being compassionate. I hope for a better, more understanding world one day and what I can at least do is be the change I wish to see in the world as much as possible and treat others as I would want to be treated.

@orangeCherry98

You might also want to check out the Dissociation Subforum in the Traumatic Experiences forum.

I don't know if I can relate because I haven't been able to relate to anybody since I was a child. I do find some similar things between your experiences and mine.

I've never been diagnosed or gone to a psychiatrist at all so I don't know what I have if I do have something. But I do feel like being able to relate shouldn't feel like is a chore or something to even think about. You just do, right? Or that's how it's suppose to work. I can empathize but seeing things from my own side. I feel like a foreign always, almost inhuman sometimes. I've been alone for so long that I never learned to function with others. I do feel joy, sadness, desperation, confusion, amazement, anxiety, hope, but I just cannot understand why I can't feel people, if that makes any sense.

Lately I've been trying to accept it and not fight it anymore. Let's see how the experiment goes.

I am not sure if the feeling in question can be classified as depersonalisation, so that's what I'd like to ask.

Since my childhood I had times I could swear upon my life that everything was... different? fake? Not making an,y sense whatsoever? As if I had a filter on my eyes that I had to gouge out. I refrained, because even if everything were fake it would surely upset those fake, weird, not-really-there people. A feeling that often, but not always arises at the same time is a feeling, that my brain and thoughts are being stirred. Like a gray swirling mass. A variation thereof is feeling kind of a numbness in my limbs, like they were not mine. Again I never spoke out, because the seemingly controlled limbs did the proper things in this fake, kinda distant world?

Those feelings always pass after a few hours to weeks, And I can conciously make them appear by thinking about the sense of things.

Quesrion is, is depersonalisation /realization the correct word for this?

@orangeCherry98 i thought I was the only here that experience dpdr ... Thankfully I'm not alone :)

TW: Mention of Drugs/Alcohol. Mentions of death.

Since April of 2024 I’ve been experiencing a seemingly never ending bought of what I’ve come to learn is DR/DP. I believe I’m more on the derealization side but I’m not a hundred percent sure. One night in April I got high off of gummy edibles some black package that said cloud 9 on it, I assume they were delta 9 or something. They were gummy ribbons, blue and pink. I don’t remember the exact amount I ate but each ribbon was rated for 500mg I believe. I also drank a Smirnoff wine cooler. I don’t remember exactly what kind. After I rode through my high I went to sleep. When I woke up nothing around me felt real. I assumed that it was just the after effects of the high and that it would go away like all the other times I had this experience. When I had gotten high previously during the high it felt as though my actions didn’t have consequences, like the world I was in didn’t exist. I didn’t feel invincible but I was able to somehow convince my own brain of things that weren’t happening. For example one time when I got high, I convinced myself I was dying and my cat (who almost always sat on my chest during the peak of my highs) was a guardian angel that was going to carry me over the bridge. Nevertheless I was assuming this morning after the combination was just an after effect and that it would go away. But it never did. For the past eight months I have been in an up and down state of varying reality. Some days are worse than others, like I can’t even focus on reading a single paragraph. But even on my best days I still feel like I’m not in my own body. I feel like the thoughts I have aren’t mine. The memories I have aren’t mine at all. This body isn’t mine. I can think of my past but that isn’t the same person that I feel I’m supposed to be. I don’t know who I’m supposed to be but this body and this name and these memories aren’t mine. This family isn’t mine. I remember my mother, I know who she is but she doesn’t feel like my mom. These sisters came from my mom but they don’t feel like my family.

I got into a relationship in September of 24. I’m constantly remembering that I’m with him but at the same time he doesn’t feel real. He doesn’t exist. I don’t exist. My mother and family exists yes but he doesn’t for some reason. It’s so frustrating. I’m so mean to those around me and I feel like there’s a wall between me and the person acting like that and I can’t stop it.

I know that there was a point in my life where I was able to think clearly. Exist normally. Function without consciously trying to function. But even with knowing the day it all went wrong I can’t pinpoint where I felt normal. I know I felt normal at one point but I’ve completely forgotten how it feels. I feel like I’m never going to be in my own brain and body again. I feel like there’s no escape.

This is all a huge ramble but I don’t know what to do. I feel insane taking about it to people or out loud. Trying to explain to someone that you don’t feel like you’re in your own body makes you sound insane. At least it makes me feel crazy. It’s not that I’m not willing to talk about it to get help. It’s that the people I’ve talked to thus far don’t seem to understand at all and brush it away like it’s not an issue. Is it not an issue? I feel like it’s effecting my everyday life, is it really not that serious? Is there anything I can do to just make it go away? Is it all in my head? I mean obviously it is but what can I do to snap myself out of it?