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Dealing with a manipulative parent as an adult
michaelh June 20th, 2022
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My entire life my mother has been extremely needy. I remember apologizing when I was in my early twenties because I was spending so much time with my friends rather than at home.


Now I am 41, with three children and on a pretty regular basis (every 6 months or so) she will demand that I come to her so she can tell me all of the ways that I have wronged her (from not allowing her to give my children bibles, to how she felt slighted during my wedding ceremony 16 years ago) This just happened again, she sent my father to talk to me and request that I call her to set up a time to come over and continue this ritual.


I hold no illusions that I am perfect by any means, I second guess my self obsessively and have no confidence at all. My wife wants me to just cut ties and be done with it, but I can't help but worry that there is something I'm missing, some thing I've done that warrants this kind of ritual.


The last time this happened, about 8 months or so ago, i said I needed time away from my parents, it took every bit of courage I had to do it. The time away lasted all of a week before I started receiving angry texts, things like "how dare I keep her from seeing my children" and such. I managed to ignore it for about 5 weeks. It was absolute torture. I was a wreck constantly.


I don't know how to resolve this, how to make it stop without completely cutting my family out of my life. I can't keep going like this, it is affecting my marriage and my relationship with my own children, because I'm constantly distant and worrying about the next explosion.




4
Hypergraphia June 20th, 2022
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@michaelh

I'm in my 20's and have the same experience of having a needy parent. Sometimes I think my mom is becoming toxic, I feel I have no freedom at all. I should be exploring life at this stage but she always discourage me to attain big. I feel like she doesn't trust me at all. She sees me as still a kid who needs her in every action I do. I grew up very weak and doubtful, even simple in decisions I have to consult her first.


michaelh OP June 21st, 2022
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We need to be able to succeed or fail on our own terms. I'm sorry you have to deal with this situation. Believe me I understand.

Hypergraphia June 21st, 2022
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@michaelIh

It is so sad that unconsciously and unintentionally, I am becoming an extension of my mom. She needs to understand that I have my own individuality.

Rexy0705 June 21st, 2022
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I had a very similar situation with both my parents and pretty much my entire extended family. I'm only 18 so I can't say much about the marriage thing but I can say that you just need to set boundaries. I know it's hard, I'm still struggling with my father, who's terribly similar with the demands of contact. But in the end you need to put your family first if not you.


The fact is, your mother has no control of your life now. If anything you have more control over her because the older she gets the more she may have to rely on you for aid. That being said, I say either confront her about it, or do what you did last time and ghost her for a while. It may start with her constantly berating you but slowly and surely she'll get the point. And if you can't handle the berating, block her for a little while.


i know this all comes off as mean but even courts do something similar when it comes to things like divorce. If one party refuses to respond or accept the summons. Then the court case goes on without their input. In your situation, if your mother refuses to accept your negation and setting of boundaries then you need to set them without her input because in the end you need to do what's best for your family.


Best of luck

Rexy

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