Dealing with my first patient loss and struggling to cope

Hi everyone. Most of you know me as Hopeful. I work for my local hospital as a Behavioral Tech. And I am dealing with a loss that I didn't expect because I don't work on a floor where death is common. A patient, who I will refer to as Love to protect her confidentiality, died unexpectedly an hour before my shift began on Wednesday. Love was giving me hugs and blowing me kisses the day before and holding my hands and communicating with us all. She was acting how Love normally acts. There were no signs that this was going to be the last time I saw Love alive.

I came into work yesterday, and I was completely unaware of Love's situation. I overheard nurses talking about Love but it didn't really click that Love was dead until I heard Love's family screaming and crying while I was in the dayroom with my assigned patient. It came as a shock to me because I didn't realize that Love had died in her sleep.

Love had been in and out of our care for a span of over a decade. Love has touched many of our hearts and we have grown attached to Love. I know for one I always thought I would see Love around the hospital because she became a normal fixture within our units. Whenever Love saw me, she would be so happy and she remembered me everytime.

There were moments where Love irritated me with how loud she could be during the full twelve hours with her and I would get migraines but I always presented her with patience and love because I know she struggled her whole life with her mental illnesses that impacted her mental health. I told her many times that I love her and Love let me know she loves me too. She was such a loving woman and I am going to miss her.

I am sad that she is dead but at the same time, I hope she is now at peace after struggling for over a decade to get her mental illnesses under control. I don't have much beliefs but I want to hold onto the faith that there are spirits and a place where we go after struggling for so long on Earth. Love, if there is such a thing, I think you have more than earned yourself a spot up there. I am glad that you are no longer suffering with the voices or any of the other symptoms that came from the illnesses that you had. I am sorry Love that your family didn't spend enough time with you or call you for special occasions but I think it was amazing how much you loved them and told me about your daughters when you were lucid.

I love you, Love. I miss you. I am not happy you're gone but I am okay with you being at peace. It hurts.