ramblings of a lonely mind..

wondering if i'll ever shake this feeling of being an outsider. i only feel i belong in the family I've chosen to create, even then i sometimes question my place. i am jealous of people who have social lives and friends. I can't say i miss the one i had because it never felt real. i wasn't engaging in things that actually interested me but went along with the flow. i hope this changes at some point because i know i can't and shouldn't rely too much on my partner to be my source of socializing....

@ChelleTheBelle222 made the call but was on hold forever. was able to make a separate appointment online (yay) but will have to call again tomorrow to set the original doctor's. it was crazy how stressed out i was . constantly trying to rehearse what i was going to say. telling myself to calm down. we will see how tomorrow goes.

i've never really opened up to anyone about my concern about my mental health. literally only once at my postpartum visit. other than that i keep to myself. im not surrounded by people who are interested or focused on their mental health so i don't feel they will understand. i've been reading and watching videos about different things i suspect are affecting me. i hope to get some help very soon because my quality of life desperately needs it...

learning to accept that some things belong in my head. too many times i've spoken my mind and regretted it after. i try to be more open and honest because i want to create a space where others do the same but also for my own peace of mind. i think some thoughts i've shared should've gone on paper. this is one of those nights where i'm venting rather than sharing. i'm not always sure how to read things and my mind goes negative by default. if i assume the worse, i can be pleasantly surprised when it doesn't happen. putting things together can fuel these thoughts but i can't help but wonder if i'm being tested...

on a lighter note, i made it to the dentist and was grateful to find out things weren't as bad as i anticipated. i know things could've been worse and that's what i was expecting. i'm happy for the privilege of having access to proper care and being on a path to better health. i'm not gonna let this progress go to waste. now on to see a medical doctor and find out what's going on everywhere else. hopeful there will be more good news to come but i am ready for whatever comes my way...

another day i did something for myself 😊 went to the salon and got my hair done for the first time in literally 2 years..being a first time mom self care definitely has taken a back seat for some time. little by little im enjoying taking moments that make me feel like me again. happy mood today.

@ChelleTheBelle222

happy as my mood has been since my hair appointment..friendship has been weighing on me today. i feel that my relationship with my best friend is on the verge of being severed. now i dont have to outright say hey we arent friends anymore. i just feel that the distance is growing and we both seem content with it not changing. it saddens me because i have big plans in motion and i'd love to share them with her but i feel that her pain from her latest breakup won't allow her to fully show up for me. in a way a best friend would expect. im not asking for her to pretend any more than i want her to think i dont care what she is going through. i keep things to myself to spare her. seeing as she is literally my only friend, it's hard not feeling i have anyone to share things with. i am hopeful to find new (& closer) friends when the time comes but i never saw our friendship ending. i lost my other close friend years ago. didnt think it would happen again.

@ChelleTheBelle222

i can see that i have to accept that we are in different places. someone cant truly be happy for you having things that they long for. i've been what i feel is a good friend by keeping certain things to myself so as not to arouse any negative feelings from her. i've just been thinking about what im getting from that. not that if she knew there would be something to give, just in that its only leaving me lonely and disconnected to my friend. to have to hide happiness in my own life to not steal someone else's just doesn't feel right.

back on the topic of loneliness...still thinking about this friendship situation and i'm realizing as much as i don't wanna let it go, im not holding on to much. i think this friendship was formed as a trauma bond. and im in a much better place where i have so much to be happy about and i feel that they arent there yet. it feels like we're just in different places. im in a stable relationship and their single. i feel like that last break up really crushed them and its been tough moving forward, understandably. i expressed that they should take all the time they needed to heal and i would be here along the way. but i feel they cant connect with me without some sort of drama occurring. they have other "friends" they claim to not really be friends with yet they interact with and hang out with them often. we live in different states so its not like they could go out with me or anything. i dont want this to sound like its coming from a place of jealousy because its really not. i'd like to have people to talk to but as a new mom im not ready to juggle a social life just yet. this is weighing on me and i feel i may be forced to express these feelings since they arent fading yet. idk i have so much more to say but i've rambled enough as it is plus it wont change anything. i just dont have anyone to say this to.

i had a nice moment that sparked a thought in me that bro i should be a drama actor lol like for one those are legit my favorite types of shows to get lost in but also i can conjure up tears pretty well. not that i use it for bad things. just gave me a feeling like dang someone should see this lol random but it was an interesting thought. i was realizing just how great my life actually is. sure i nitpick about the little things but its one of those things that i picked up in my childhood, growing up around negative nancy's. its one of the things about myself i dislike. hopefully something that therapy will allow me to work through. i no longer desire to remain the person my trauma made me, i want to be truly and authentically the me i was meant to be.

i hate being so low energy every day. it affects my mood so much. i have so much i want to do outside of my responsibilities but they eat up what little energy i'm able to muster and what little "free" time i have i want to sleep. i dread waking up still but not because i hate my life anymore. i genuinely just don't even have the energy to enjoy it. so many years of suffering just trying to survive, when i often didn't want to. Now i actually have a life i want to live, i don't have the energy to enjoy it. i can only hope i find the cause and an effective solution because i want to stop living life on auto pilot.

happy to finally come here and share good news! so i've been to my pcp doctor and she was lovely. awaiting some test results and going from there but im hopeful that whatever comes it will be handled with care. on top of that i have an appointment scheduled with a therapist 😄 after so many years of crying out internally for help to know someone will be assisting me moving forward makes me so happy. i've waited so long to fix so much about myself and to finally be in a place to do that brings me joy i never thought i would get to feel! just here to say how thankful i am of all these things falling into place for me🙌

been away for a while..time to get some things outta my head.

so my therapy journey officially begins tomorrow 🙌 after reschedulings & screenings it's finally happening. i've waited so long and am excited for the journey. all the pushing back was taking away from my excitement at times. idk maybe it was a sign to keep some things to myself because when i share they don't always work out. other than that i'm just proud of myself for pushing through my anxiety enough to set these appointments. talking on the phone is a big trigger for me. one of the many things that makes me a walking contradiction. I have only worked service jobs and have been forced to do it for years yet the anxiety has yet to fade.

today is my second mother's day and it feels like another day. as it is. but it's a reminder of how i never feel celebrated. not birthdays or holidays. the occasional kind words but my love language is acts of service. words can be hollow. actions take effort. and i give a lot and would like to be thought worthy enough of the same. i planned today out expecting to have to take the lead on things but i find myself still disappointed. figured it best to come let my feelings out so i dont carry them for the day. it may not be the day i want but i can at least be calm.