ramblings of a lonely mind..
seeing all these journal threads around and decided i'd like one of my own ...just gonna come to vent as needed.
currently thinking about my anxiety getting the better of me. been putting off going to the doctor because im too afraid of having to call and set the appointment. i miss being able to do everything online like with my old one. it was so simple and no stress. tell myself each week that im gonna make the call and even though it weighs on my mind i never call. saying it again tonight since a fresh week starts tomorrow. it needs to be done and i have to push through it. hoping i make myself proud and get it over with. its so crazy that i put so much pressure on phone calls and they end up being more manageable than i let myself believe.
been away for a while..time to get some things outta my head.
so my therapy journey officially begins tomorrow 🙌 after reschedulings & screenings it's finally happening. i've waited so long and am excited for the journey. all the pushing back was taking away from my excitement at times. idk maybe it was a sign to keep some things to myself because when i share they don't always work out. other than that i'm just proud of myself for pushing through my anxiety enough to set these appointments. talking on the phone is a big trigger for me. one of the many things that makes me a walking contradiction. I have only worked service jobs and have been forced to do it for years yet the anxiety has yet to fade.
today is my second mother's day and it feels like another day. as it is. but it's a reminder of how i never feel celebrated. not birthdays or holidays. the occasional kind words but my love language is acts of service. words can be hollow. actions take effort. and i give a lot and would like to be thought worthy enough of the same. i planned today out expecting to have to take the lead on things but i find myself still disappointed. figured it best to come let my feelings out so i dont carry them for the day. it may not be the day i want but i can at least be calm.
