Why healing is tough and scary? (TW, maybe)
So, after years of being tormented by different issues in my life, with different sources of pain and trauma that had broken me into someone who had forgotten how to feel only. I was numb for a very long time, cut myself from friends, family, doing activities to myself that i shouldn't just so I wouldn't get up from my study table and glue myself to the books inspite of not getting anything, constantly failing in exams, etc etc. I realised, I had maximum issues with my parents, and finally one day I snapped at that, had a very harsh argument with them but within a week that rather changed into a conversation, I never expected I would have! Like, they might have finally seen me suffering and I kind of got a closure talking to them, I don't feel any hatred within. But now comes the problem, now I don't feel anything.. like it's a different kinda numb.. I don't have any hatred left, I am rationally seeing things now, and.. um.. I guess, if not worst, I am kinda healing? But the problem is, mere thought of healing, getting over the things feels scary, I somehow don't want to get over things, I don't want to forget but I feel like my brain's saying get over it man, it really doesn't matter now (rational arguments), and as soon as I start to do productive stuff to help myself, I brain starts bringing counter statements like wait, why am i over it? Why don't i care nomore?, etc.. like i want to get over them, i want to help myself not remember the bad stuff now, i want to work for ME, i want to make my life for ME, i want to be selfish for ONCE! and it feels scary, it feels like, if i do that, if i remove those negatives, i'll be left with nothing, how will i face this cruel world..
What is this now? Has healing (not even sure if that's really healing or my brain's just hopelessly stupid now going into pure numb mode) always been this frightening? Why can i not be a normal person for once? Do i always need to bash all the time? Why do i not want to forget (if not forgive) the people who wronged me?
@lovingGrapefruit2611 I hear you, and I want you to know that what you're going through is a complex process, and it's okay to feel scared or confused during this time. It seems like you've been carrying a heavy emotional burden for a long time, and the recent conversations with your parents have brought some unexpected changes in your perspective.
What you're experiencing could indeed be a form of healing. Sometimes, when we start to confront our past traumas and address the issues that have been tormenting us, it can lead to a shift in our emotions and perceptions. The numbness you feel might be a way your mind is protecting itself as you process these changes.
It's natural to be scared of letting go of negative emotions and experiences. They might have become familiar to you, and the idea of moving forward without them can be unsettling. Additionally, forgiving or forgetting those who wronged you might feel difficult because it could be interpreted as letting them off the hook for their actions.
Remember, healing is a gradual process, and it doesn't mean you have to forget or forgive everything. It's okay to take your time and go at your own pace. It's also okay to be selfish and focus on yourself, especially if that's what you need to heal and grow.
Being a "normal" person doesn't mean suppressing your emotions or experiences. Each individual's journey is unique, and there is no single way to heal or deal with trauma. Embrace your emotions, even if they seem conflicting at times. Allow yourself to feel, process, and understand them.
If you find it challenging to cope with these emotions on your own, consider seeking support from a therapist or counsellor. They can provide you with guidance and a safe space to explore your feelings without judgment.
You're not alone in this, and it's okay to ask for help along the way. Healing is a courageous step towards a brighter and healthier future. Take care.
