Trapped and lost

TW in advance for sh sa ed and bullying

sorry in advance its so long....you dont have to read it...

im trapped...im stuck...i really dont know what to do anymore...im on cups for support i havent really even gotten that since i came to adult side...im terrified to join rooms at this point unless i see some1 ik there because im scared ill just be bullied like usual....i dont have any listener i really trust at this point apart from 1....cups used to be a safe place for me....key word used....when i was on teen side i enjoyed coming onto cups to see my friends each day....i felt safe....and i felt heard....but now on adult side...i got nothing...even any of my past friends from teen side that have aged up dont even really talk to me anymore....even my friends who are still on teen side who said would keep in contact dont even talk to me....whats even the point me being on cups anymore....im alone constantly....

i graduated school on the 21st....i thought i was happy about it...but im not...im scared...im going to college next year...i had gotten my acceptance letter...but im terrified as much as i hate to admit it...im terrified for it...going to a place...where i know no1 in the class....and will probably just end up alone all over again...i dont know what to do...i have so much trauma related to school...from all the bullying ive had...recently we were playing a game in 1 of my classes before we graduated and my class said they would want to lock me up...without any reason....ive also had teachers picking on me and stuff....i had a practical cooking exam recently for my final grade...and well it didnt go well...i burnt 2 out of the 3 dishes i had to make because i had rushed out of panic of not getting them done...i have written exams coming up aswell...and i really struggle with studying so i dont know what to do....i know they wont go well....

ive relapsed recently and it really wasnt good...i was 3 weeks clean and then everything got to much...family aint been the best and well everything just got too much...and i had lost a really good friend of mine...im tired of leaving people...i just wanna know who are true friends and wont leave me...i dont know who to trust anymore....people i used to trust...well i dont fully trust anymore...and that keeps hurting them when i dont mean to hurt them....

the flashbacks recently have been really bad...i keep remembering the time i was 15 and was sa online....along with all the stuff i had to deal with last year...with people adding me specifically to be mean to me and everything...i dont know how to stop them...they keep getting so bad that i regress a lot more now...but i dont even have a safe place to regress really...its just...its all too much and i hate it....

my ed has been playing up aswell...i tried to get better with it then well it went downhill again and when i tried to get better with it again...it lead to me being up most of the night really nauscious from eating....i dont know how to get better...i keep getting shouted at for not eating...and i hate it...i get in trouble for everything but the thing that hurts the most is for eating....i also get in trouble for wanting my safe foods a lot...its too much for me to not eat my safe foods and im trapped....

i dont know what to do anymore with anything...and im sorry if you read all of that...im not bothering tagging anyone because tbh i dont think anyone would really care...so yeah....i guess ive said enough...sorry again if you read all that....