Trapped and lost
TW in advance for sh sa ed and bullying
sorry in advance its so long....you dont have to read it...
im trapped...im stuck...i really dont know what to do anymore...im on cups for support i havent really even gotten that since i came to adult side...im terrified to join rooms at this point unless i see some1 ik there because im scared ill just be bullied like usual....i dont have any listener i really trust at this point apart from 1....cups used to be a safe place for me....key word used....when i was on teen side i enjoyed coming onto cups to see my friends each day....i felt safe....and i felt heard....but now on adult side...i got nothing...even any of my past friends from teen side that have aged up dont even really talk to me anymore....even my friends who are still on teen side who said would keep in contact dont even talk to me....whats even the point me being on cups anymore....im alone constantly....
i graduated school on the 21st....i thought i was happy about it...but im not...im scared...im going to college next year...i had gotten my acceptance letter...but im terrified as much as i hate to admit it...im terrified for it...going to a place...where i know no1 in the class....and will probably just end up alone all over again...i dont know what to do...i have so much trauma related to school...from all the bullying ive had...recently we were playing a game in 1 of my classes before we graduated and my class said they would want to lock me up...without any reason....ive also had teachers picking on me and stuff....i had a practical cooking exam recently for my final grade...and well it didnt go well...i burnt 2 out of the 3 dishes i had to make because i had rushed out of panic of not getting them done...i have written exams coming up aswell...and i really struggle with studying so i dont know what to do....i know they wont go well....
ive relapsed recently and it really wasnt good...i was 3 weeks clean and then everything got to much...family aint been the best and well everything just got too much...and i had lost a really good friend of mine...im tired of leaving people...i just wanna know who are true friends and wont leave me...i dont know who to trust anymore....people i used to trust...well i dont fully trust anymore...and that keeps hurting them when i dont mean to hurt them....
the flashbacks recently have been really bad...i keep remembering the time i was 15 and was sa online....along with all the stuff i had to deal with last year...with people adding me specifically to be mean to me and everything...i dont know how to stop them...they keep getting so bad that i regress a lot more now...but i dont even have a safe place to regress really...its just...its all too much and i hate it....
my ed has been playing up aswell...i tried to get better with it then well it went downhill again and when i tried to get better with it again...it lead to me being up most of the night really nauscious from eating....i dont know how to get better...i keep getting shouted at for not eating...and i hate it...i get in trouble for everything but the thing that hurts the most is for eating....i also get in trouble for wanting my safe foods a lot...its too much for me to not eat my safe foods and im trapped....
i dont know what to do anymore with anything...and im sorry if you read all of that...im not bothering tagging anyone because tbh i dont think anyone would really care...so yeah....i guess ive said enough...sorry again if you read all that....
@kylersartpace hi kyler ❤ nice to see you in forum land ❤ I'm sorry you've been bullied so much😥 and you don't feel like you fit in very well😞 trust can be a big issue for bully victims. Perhaps a change will do you good, try to work on confidence. Then when you go to college, with confidence along will come many friends and respect. If you need a break from the group chats, why not stick around forum land for a while🙂 I would check out the icebreaker/game forums ❤ their alot of fun , gives you a giant tiny hug ❤
@Tinywhisper11
*hugs* idk...ive been thinking of just fully leaving cups....even though itll affect me a lot more...and i have no confidence....i have nothing in me to work on it either to make it better.....
@kylersartpace perhaps don't leave cups, just take a break from here. Kyler I can see life as beaten you down. But you can do this, come on muster up the little drive inside you, and possibly take the break to work on your self esteem and confidence ❤ I'm right here routing for you
@Tinywhisper11
idk how to do that though....like really....especially not alone...i honestly feel trapped in a box thats all dark...and i cant get out of it....as in its taped shut really tight....so yeah...idk how to do it anymore...
@kylersartpace I'm sorry kyler😥 in not really sure what to say, sorry 😥 although there is a quote I really like
"But darling, there is no light at the end of the tunnel you must realise you are the light"
❤❤
@Tinywhisper11
its fine....no1 ever knows how to help me really...
@kylersartpace Jules out of cups what is your support system like?? Do you have a social worker?
@Tinywhisper11
i have nothing....cant even escape parents....even if i tried no1 would believe me....
@kylersartpace kyler your the only one who can change this for yourself ❤ you gotta do something
@Tinywhisper11
ive been trying...but i cant get a job to try save....i cant do calls to try help get out that way....no1 will believe me with things ive been through because i have no physical evidance....so i got nothing i can do....
@kylersartpace I'm sorry kyler😥 it must be hard, but your an adult if you call the police they will help. It at least give you tempora ry joking suggestion
@Tinywhisper11
i cant call the police....1 they wont believe me....and 2 id be shouted at for it....and 3 i just cant do calls in general...
@kylersartpace so kyler what do you want to have happen?
@Tinywhisper11
i want...out.....to leave...to even be with my gf....but i think shes upset with me rn....
@kylersartpace your still young, but your also a adult, if you want out then your gonna have to walk out, make it happen for yourself ❤ your the only one who can change this
@Tinywhisper11 ik....but i dont have money to get out....i have nothing to get out...if i just walk out....ill be on the streets....
@kylersartpace is there other family you can go stay with, or your friends gf?
@Tinywhisper11 not really family wise....my parents would find me there....and all...and my gf....she isnt living near me....
@kylersartpace I'm not sure what you want me to say😕 you need to try harder to get a job if that's your only way out. You gotta do something or your just trapped
@Tinywhisper11 im trying...but ive gotten a student grant now for college....and well i have it said that i have no income at all...so i cant get 1 until after i finish college....
@kylersartpace so your just gonna stay in a abusive household for another year or so?😕
@Tinywhisper11 mhm....ive been here for 18 years....so....yeah....i have no other option...
@kylersartpace I'm sorry kyler😥 your situation sucks! And I'm lost for words, and suggestions. Gives you a giant tiny hug ❤❤ I'll pray for your safety and we'll being ❤
@Tinywhisper11 thanks tiny....and i hope to get out soon....but yeah....