Sorry... for the ranting
I feel lonely, worthless and ashame too, the only person I can talk too is my mom, sometimes I want to tell her everything that happened to me, but I don't want her to feel bad or blame herself, she is not really good at emotional stuff sometimes, she is a strong person, so crying is something she really doesn't like me doing, I'm very sensitive, and feel overwhelmed easily, I don't blame her, I didn't tell her what happened, I opened up a bit to her recently, it was weighing me down, I had to talk, it helped a bit talking to her, the dark thought left, it's back, I don't know what to do, nothing has been said since I told her, she said I should try and forget about it, I had unconsciously repressed thing that happened to me, I remembered one event, deep down I want to know all, but she doesn't think I should, she said that might have been the only thing that happened,
She is worried a bit as I choose a college far to apply to, I'm trying hard to study, but I just keep having these thoughts that I'll fail, I can't shake it away, all the insult I've gotten from my childhood, of them telling me how worthless and stupid is coming back, when I try to read, I told my mom, not everything but how I'm finding it hard to concentrate, I ended up crying, she told me to wipe my tears, she doesn't want to see me crying again, that I wrote three exams before now, my final exam in secondary school, I passed , why I'm I afraid now, I had a partner I read with then, I read alone now, maybe that why, and this is a college application exam, many people are writing, the oral interview scares me, I can't talk in front of a crowd, I know what to say, but it's like I just freeze, I don't know what to do,
My bad habit are back, even if I promised myself I wouldn't do it again, my weight has dropped, I can't seem to get it
back
@Awele2005
I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling lonely, worthless and ashamed. Those are some really hard and heavy feelings. But I am glad to hear that you are able to chat to your mom. Its important to have at least one person who can support us in tough times.
It can be hard to open up to people at times. Do you think it might be helpful to write a note or a letter to her? Sometimes people have an easier time opening up through writing.
When we are told things as a child, it can definitely have an impact on us and can even change the way we talk to ourselves. It sounds like that might be happening to you right now?
I struggle to concentrate too. Its definitely tough at times! Maybe you just need a little more support, a different type of support.
@beck1
Thank you, Yeah it is, I've never thought of using paper, it's easier to write your feeling down, I might try it one day, it's just that she thought she was doing the right thing by allowing them raise me, I just feel like if I tell her, she might start blaming herself, she has a lot on her plate I wouldn't want to add to it, I did tell her wanted a therapist, I was surprised she didn't ask me why, but I've to wait till she is financially stable, the school stuff is going to drain her, sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision, why didn't I choose a cheaper one, she said it's alright, it's her job as a parent, and the fact that she is already preparing before I even write the exam is a bit scary and the pressure too
@Awele2005
It sounds like you care about her a lot, which is sweet! But I'm sure she would want to be there for you too!
I know for me, personally, writing things down is a lot easier than saying things out loud! Even if you don't share it with her, maybe it would be good for yourself to just write her a note so that you can get it out of your mind? There's no pressure to give it to her but maybe it would be helpful for you.
