Separation and missing the normal things
Lately since me and my wife are on the rocks, I need to change before she will commit to our marriage again. I had severe anger issues and for the last 3 days and the rest of my life I am on a better path mentally. But since we have been living in the same house and not really together it’s been really hard to deal with. I see her all the time and I just want to hold her, kiss her, all the normal things we used to do. She needs time and hopefully she comes back to me but right now I am struggling extremely hard with this. I am a person that needs physical love such as holding hands and hugging and all. Every time I am around her I attempt to make a “move” but I either get no reaction or I chicken out or regret it because I don’t want to see pushy. I guess I am being selfish. I just miss her and all the things we did together.
@monkeywrench091
Have you told her that and how you feel about touch in regards to your relationship ? I do not think people can just Fix things by ignoring the real issue. Touch and physical intimacy is a need. even if you can work on somethings you could build more resentment by not being able to even hold hands etc.
I agree when a couple takes time but are still in same house or see each other often it is hard. we need to work on things with the whole picture. Keeping in mind that is touch is your love language i do not see how someone can fix things while ignoring that.
She wants a divorce but the reason is my anger towards everyone including her and the kids. I am 3 days into a new person and loving my life again. She still needs time to see me doing better. She isn’t letting me con her into saying I will do and don’t do it. But I am doing more about that anything this time and completely open to everyone about it.
@monkeywrench091
I am glad you have made changes hopefully mostly for yourself ...because change made to appease seldom last.
when someone is hurt or angry they do not see the change. OR they do not trust the changes made.
@monkeywrench091 This is just a rhetorical question - If you continue on the right path when do you think the relationship might start to warm up?
Hoping by the new year. I am showing in ways I never have before. My kids are happy and I already see the benefit it’s doing to everyone in the house.
Sorry to hear. Are you guys seeing a therapist?
No couples therapy is kind of off the table right now. We tried years ago but we could never find a therapist that was right for us.
Man, I feel for you—this situation sounds like walking through an emotional minefield while blindfolded. You’re trying to respect her space, fix yourself, and not lose your mind in the process. That’s a lot to juggle. And yeah, it sucks to miss the simple stuff—holding hands, hugs, and all the little moments that made you feel close. I get it. You’re a physical affection guy, and now it feels like someone took your security blanket and set it on fire.
First off, props to you for taking steps to address your anger issues. That’s massive. It’s not easy to look in the mirror and say, “Hey, I need to work on myself,” let alone actually do it. Three days is a start, and if you keep putting in the effort, those days will turn into weeks, months, and—before you know it—you’ll look back and barely recognize the person you were.
Now, about your wife. It’s tough, man. When you’re living together but not together, it’s like constantly walking past a plate of your favorite food while being on a diet. (And worse, you’re the one who signed up for the diet.) But here’s the thing: if you’re pushing for that connection now, it might come across as trying to speed up her timeline—and that could backfire. You don’t want her to feel like she has to retreat even further just to get the space she’s asking for.
Instead of focusing on physical affection right now, try to show her you’re changing in other ways. Let her see that you’re working on yourself—not just for her, but because you genuinely want to be better. Surprise her with a thoughtful gesture (but nothing too over-the-top—it’s not a Hallmark movie). Maybe clean up around the house, make her a cup of coffee, or just give her a sincere compliment without expecting anything in return. Actions, my friend, speak louder than words—or awkward hugs that she’s not ready for.
And don’t beat yourself up for wanting closeness. That’s not selfish—it’s human. But for now, think of it as a long game. By giving her the space she needs and showing her consistent growth, you’re creating a foundation for a stronger relationship in the future. It’s like planting a seed: you can’t dig it up every five minutes to see if it’s growing. You’ve just got to water it (with patience, not desperation) and trust the process.
And hey, while you’re waiting, find other outlets for your need for connection—maybe hang with a friend, hit the gym, or adopt a dog. Dogs are basically walking hugs with tails.
You’re in a tough spot, but if you keep showing her you’re serious about becoming a better you, there’s hope. Just don’t rush the healing, for either of you. You’ve got this, man—one step at a time.
❤️
