It's so hard ☹️💔

Whys it so hard for me to just feel okay. I'm trying so hard to look after myself and stuff but then at the end of the day I just crash and wish I could be hugged irl so I can just cry. I'm trying to recover and I thought it was getting better. It's been a few weeks since I started recovery but I'm struggling so much. I had hope for the future and at one point I was so excited but im petrified, I dont want each day to end because I know soon it'll be the days I dread :( 

It's my birthday in 36 days which means I'll be 18 and my whole life will change all over again. I'm going to college on September 2nd so I know its awhile away but the thought of going scares me. I'll be adjusting to mainstream school again, its gonna be so loud and ill have to try make friends or something. I'm scared ill be beaten up again, it happened at my last mainstream school and I was hospitalised for it. I was to scared to go to school for weeks

Im just completely back at rock bottom and feel so alone and scared. Sleeping is so hard because of nightmares and my head plays tricks on me. My head feels like a tornado. The news is scaring me to and the fact the police are everywhere cos of the stuff happening in the country. 

I dont want to talk to people but at the same time I do 🥺 I cut everyone off that I know outside of cups. I deleted all social media except one app. I get a new number and phone in a few days which I guess will be good...idk 

My age regression is getting worse and it's coming out in different and scarier forms, I dont like it, it was just talking at first that it effected and then it became physical and mental 🥺 I wish I never had to deal with it, why did my head make me this way :( 

I stopped sh, I still get bad thoughts but nearly 2 weeks sh free, I guess thats good...idk ☹️ I miss it. I miss it alot but also like not having to wear hoodies.

Why can't I be me, I just want to be me, I dont feel like me, I'm scared, I dont like it, I dont like this feeling, I'm not in control.

Physically I havent been okay, ive passed out alot and just been hurting alot. My mental health has turned physical in so many ways. Have constant headaches, nauseous and pains :( nothing helps for it, I cant take medicine for a couple of reasons and nothing else works.

I just want to sleep peacefully, im tired, exhausted and drained. I'm trapped in a pit of darkness and I don't like it. 

Sorry 🥺💔