I’ll never forgive you
You’ve convinced everyone that what I did was out of petty revenge when really i was having a god damn breakdown. How you said me and one other person were in cahoots when I only had a god damn brief exchange with her becuz she went to me and the other 2 ppl who were involved at the time who’s names I CANT REMEMBER. And I apologized for it not knowing wtf I was being accused of but i assumed I did something wrong. How u would make fetishy comments about trans ppl during our relationship while u were drunk. Remember what u said, ***? “Do you wanna have a threesome with a f*ta”? How u would constantly ask permission to stop drinking and u said the only reason why you will stop drinking is becuz we’re in a relationship. How much you placed ur trauma onto me and said how badly u wanted to die. How I was dealing w my own dysphoria and making sure u weren’t doing smth stupid. How u were controlling just becuz u got weirdly mad at some guy who wanted to hangout and talk with us. Becuz u said he was “trying to make a move” on me when I told u I wouldn’t let him do that. But no, u couldn’t just have trusted me and instead threatened to become a problem. How u would have your drunken tantrums when u didn’t get things your way. How u would profusely apologize just for me to reassure u becuz u clearly can’t take accountability for ur own *** guilt. How u were so weirdly *** fixated with the Amber Heard & Johnny Depp case & I felt off abt it but thought I was overreacting.
I was scared of leaving u becuz I KNEW U WERE HAVING A HARD TIME. I KEPT TRYING TO REASSURE U WHILE I WAS HAVING MY OWN FLASHBACKS AND COPING W DYSPHORIA. HOW I THOUGHT ME BEING TRANS WAS BECUZ OF TRAUMA AND HOW PPL IRL KEPT PUTTING IDEAS IN MY HEAD THAT TESTOSTERONE WILL MAKE ME VIOLENT. HOW MUCH I DENIED MYSELF THE RIGHT TO BE A PERSON BECUZ EVERYONE ELSE AROUND ME DID
HOW PPL WOULD CALL ME A *** FOR NOT UNDERSTANDING THINGS OR PPL MISTAKING *** I SAY AS A SLIGHT AGAINST THEM. ILL NEVER FORGIVE ANY OF U
I KEPT GETTING WEIRD TEXTS BUT ASSUMED IT WAS SPAM OR A SCAM TEXTER. I WAS SCARED BECUZ U HAVE MY HOME ADDRESS & PHONE NUMBER. I REALLY THOUGHT U WERE DEFENDING SOME *** *** BECUZ OF HOW MUCH U WOULD SAY U WERE A BAD PERSON BUT WHEN I WOULD ASK HOW? U NEVER EXPLAINED OR ELABORATED. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT? U KEPT TELLING ME NOT TO CONTACT AUTHORITIES SO I *** DIDNT.
HOW PPL USED MY BISEXUALITY AGAINST ME AND CLAIMED BEING PANSEXUAL WAS SOMEHOW MORE PROGRESSIVE. HOW PPL KEPT MAKING AWFUL BACKHANDED COMMENTS DURING THAT TIME AND I DIDNT *** KNOW IT WAS TARGETED AT ME
I TRIED GETTING THE OTHER TRANSMASCS TO UNDERSTAND TRANSMISOGYNY BUT CLEARLY THEY HAD THEIR OWN *** GOING ON. I JUST WANTED THEM TO BE CONSIDERATE THATS ALL I WANTED
IM NOT ON T BECUZ NOBODY IRL WAS ACTUALLY SUPPORTIVE. MY OWN RELIGIOUS GRANDPARENTS KEPT MEDDLING IN MY OWN BUSINESS ABT MY GENDER. HOW THEY NEVER WANTED TO CALL ME BY MY NAME. HOW MY MOM KEPT SAYING T MIGHT MAKE ME ANGRY AND VIOLENT. BUT MY ISSUES WERE BECUZ OF MY UPBRINGING NOT BECUZ IM TRANS
AND MY MOMS PARENTS WERE ABUSIVE AS *** AS WELL. HER DAD WOULD CALL ME AN “IT” AND A ***
ALL I WANTED WAS FRIENDS AND PPL WHO UNDERSTOOD MY SITUATION AS WELL. THATS WHAT I TRIED TO BUILD EACH AND EVERY SINGLE TIME BUT I *** UP SOMEHOW.
HOW THAT ONE PERSON, WHO ACTUALLY WAS AN ADULT AT THAT TIME, WAS IN VOICE CALL WITH ME WHEN I WAS 17 KNEW OF THE ABUSE THAT OTHER 17 YEAR OLD WAS GOING THRU. HOW THAT 17 YEAR OLD’S ABUSER WAS FISHING FOR VALIDATION OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP & I WENT ALONG WITH IT IN FEAR OF ME ENDANGERING THE 17 YEAR OLD. BECUZ I WAS WORRIED IF ME TELLING THEM TO LEAVE WOULD MAKE THEM END UP IN AN EVEN WORSE SITUATION
*** UP PART IS THAT IM SURE HE WONT TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY FOR IT!!! WILL YOU, KEVIN?
I ALSO HATE MY PAST THERAPISTS WHO WOULD MOCK ME FOR ASKING ABT TRAUMA. I *** HATE THIS
I ALWAYS QUESTIONED OF ME HAVING NPD OR TRAITS SINCE MY TEENS AND I CAN BELIEVE IN NARCISSISTIC PATHOLOGY IN PARENTING BELIEVE IT OR NOT!!
I WAS WORRIED SICK ABT THE TRANS PPL I WOULD COME TO KNOW IN VRCHAT. I WAS SO *** WORRIED SICK ABOUT THISE KIDS AND THAT SPACE AND WHAT PPL PERMITTED. I JUST WANTED EVERYONE TO BE SAFE BUT NO THAT ONE *** HAD TO TELL ME THE LIE THAT SPACE HATED TRANSMASCS. IS RAINBOWKITTY BEING HELD ACCOUNTABLE AS WELL???
IF U GUYS KNEW THE LIVES THE GROUP HAD U WOULD UNDERSTAND WHY I NEVER COULD *** SLEEP I WAS SO WORRIED IF THEY HAD COMMUNITY BECUZ NOT HAVING IT SUCKS SO BAD. IM JUST LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE UNDERSTANDING PARENTS DESPITE THEIR OWN ISSUES AND I ALWAYS RECOGNZIED THAT
PPL ALWAYS GAVE ME *** FOR BEING HYPERSENSITIVE THATS WHY I DONT TALK ABT MY PROBLEMS. I HAVE A HARD TIME TELLING WHEN IM BEING HURT OR ABUSED BECUZ I JUST ASSUME I CANT ACTUALLY BE
I DONT EVEN *** WANT PPL TO GET INTO TROUBLE I JUST WANTED ANSWERS AND FOR PPL TO BE ON THEIR BEST BEHAVIOR. THATS ALL I WANTED I JUST WANTED EVERYTHING SCARY TO STOP
