I don’t know what to do…
Today is my 13 year wedding anniversary with my husband. The last year and a half have been really challenging because I found out that he has been a porn addict and lying to me about porn for the entirety of our marriage. I am experiencing betrayal trauma, and the smallest things trigger me. I also have BPD, so I split very easily. Yesterday we were having a conversation and I felt myself getting triggered but I remained calm. I told my husband that there were a few things he could do to help me heal and he lost it. He said he couldn’t live like this anymore and I need to just get over it and that he isn’t going backwards anymore so I need to just accept what he did and get over it, and then after that he told me he “can’t or won’t” fix our relationship. He said it was too much and he couldn’t be in a relationship with me anymore. I feel like he hates me. I feel like I could die today and he would be glad. I find myself hating myself more and more everyday. The only time we aren’t having problems is when I don’t talk about my feelings and I keep them pushed down inside, and I just feel so alone.
@sunnyJet3171
I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way; it’s incredibly tough. Your feelings of betrayal and isolation are valid, and it’s important to prioritize your own well-being. Seeking individual therapy could help you process your emotions and find ways to cope. If your husband isn’t willing to work on the relationship, focusing on support groups or finding comfort in other connections might be beneficial. Remember, taking care of yourself and seeking the support you need is crucial.
@sunnyJet3171 communication is what makes or breaks a relationship and I'm not just talking about marriage, it can be friendships, family, even colleagues. Communicating your feelings is a must even if it comes off as awkward or overburdening to the opposite party. You did a great job communicating your feelings to your partner and I'm so sorry he refused to take part in making things better for the relationship. Marriage is complicated and I know that infact I have watched my parents marriage crumble in front of my eyes since childhood, my mom was exactly like you, she pushed her feelings to herself, never communicated her needs or when she felt upset. My dad eventually cheated and my whole family was gone in seconds, I know this is hard on you and it will be unless you both don't have partnership in this relationship, couple's therapy sessions could be of great help.
@crimsonPapaya7218 unless you both have*
I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it's hard but you can only control what you can control. You can't help him watching porn.... which sucks I realize that.
So work on the things you can control. See if there's a reason he does that. Analyze if the relationship can move forward without him changing behavior and/or if you can someday concede or overlook this flaw. Ask yourself what you can do to be happy.
Then do it.
And realize sometimes it isn't your fault. Maybe it's just a difference of opinions that cannot be reconciled.
One last thing, you cannot love someone else until you love yourself. Learn to accept yourself for who you are and grow from these situations as hard as it is.
@sunnyJet3171 Oof.
Take this with a grain of salt as I have no relationship experience, aside from what I see others experience.
Idk how long it's been good or olay or great between you two, but it seems like somewhere along the way he got sour. And I say, if the milk goes sour, throw it out.
Ofc it's easy for me to say having no attachments here, but I've understood that sometimes even if it is rough it's better to get out. I've had to abandon toxic friend groups before, to show my own experience on this.
Do think about it, make the choices best for your own well being.
@sunnyJet3171 Dump his ***. The right man would provide a safe environment where you don't feel the things you're feeling with this man, and that's 100% okay. You are allowed to set a boundary and dump his *** because your needs are valid and the right man will understand that, no questions asked.
You are a worthy human being with emotional maturity, especially living with BPD, and you don't put in the work on yourself just for someone like him to undo it.
@sunnyJet3171
I had been this path. Where any communication I find him silent.. or one excuse i am like that what I do. One sorry from his side ..i should forgive him. He never bother how much damage it was for me. How much lonely feeling n rejection I felt. Finally I realise it was waste of years compromising and keep understanding n trying to find peace in relationship.
Because in all this process we stop loving ourself. I have reach a point i want to love myself but so much resent is their for myself i can't love.
So I won't advice end n start refresh. It not easy thing. Do what make u happy..their is nothing. Wrong or right. Connect with people of same like minded n have ur life.
Maintain it whether he show effort or not.
Only one thing I say. I made mistake by drowning deep well. U don't do that. It tough spot to come out then. How *** badly u want to come out.
