How has life not paused

How has life not paused 

My life is falling apart and I am dealing with eminence grief

Every day I wake up with a sense of overwhelming sadness, something small happens and all I want to do is cry

I sometimes wake up and just cry, the tears fall down my face and my body starts to shake

Sometimes I dont even know what I'm crying about, my life, the grief, all of it, I'm not sure

Its debilitating and there is no way around it, everything reminds me of the person or what my life has come to - I cant escape it

I coudnt tell you the last time I truly smiled 

The last time it wasn't hard to but on a mask and pretend im ok, I dont think im even putting it on anymore 

Yet life hasnt paused

People reach out to me everyday and ask me to do something

Sometimes in the middle of a break down I get a call I have to answer and act like im ok

I clear my throught and pick up and when they ask what wrong I make an excuse like I think im getting sick

How has life not paused

Sometimes I'm glad for all the tasks, it keeps my brain else where my the overwhelming since of sadness stays

Other times I hate the tasks, I just think cant others clearly see im struggling and give me a break

How has life not paused

I try to do things for myself but I just breakdown or feel so dejected 

I fear that this feeling is forever and something I need to live around, I'm not sure I can

How has life not paused

I tried talking to someone about what I'm going through, bad dissection they dont understand and are more passive then anything

How has life not paused

How do I continue in this, in the constant sadness and grief 

Life is still moving on, life is still happening - how?

How has life not paused

Things still need to get done and I need to do them

I still have a responsibility I need to show up for

I cant break down and drown - but how

How has life not paused

I just want to be by myself and drown in the pain

I want to let it consume me

I need time to process but all the time in the world won't be enough

How has life not paused

Will the pain get better

Will the grief go away 

How?

How has life not paused

Even as I write this and as my throught closes up becouse all I want to do is cry 

I got a text needing my response

How has life not paused

Im struggling

Im not ok

I know im not alone but it sure feels like it

How has life not paused

Sometimes I get mad because of all the pain 

Sometimes I get mad because of all that is being asked of me

Sometimes I get mad because I am drowning and I go back and forth on if I want to be saved

How has life not paused