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callmeRM
1 1,232 M Little Steps 3
PathStep 12 Compassion hearts166 Forum posts61 Forum upvotes130 Current upvotes130 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2024 Member sinceJuly 25, 2020
Recent forum posts
How do I receive help
General Support / by callmeRM
Last post
 2 days ago
...See more How does once except help? I grew up being hyperindpedent Sure I have siblings but with the large age cab and them wanting nothing to do with me, I never got there help on the big thing in life From a young age I had to do things alone and by myself From doctors appointments to figuring out how im going to university to getting my first professional jobs I was alone in every step From birthdays to big accomplishments all I had was myself So I've never know how to ask let alone receive help I've always been the one to give it Is there a fire? Call me fireman cus im here to put it out Does someone need life saving care? Call me doctor cus im here to save it I know what its like to need someone there for you and never have it so I make sure I show up and do the extra mile for the people I care about Thats why I always pick up phone calls, in case anyone is in an emergency I want to be the first they call cus they know that not only will i pick up but I will be there  Thats why I make sure all my younger cousins know I will be there for them no matter what, no questions asked, I want them to know as they grow up and life happens I am always in there corner and will be there for them no matter what What happens when I need someone in my corner Its tricky because I do have so meany people in my corner There are so meany people that want to see me win, that want to help me I just don't know how to ask for help nor receive it Here's my train of thought:  I dont want to ask for help because I want to do it on my own the same way so many others have I dont want to ask for help because I dont want what I do to seem like its a reflection of the person giving it to me I dont want to ask for help because I the people around me are so much better and if they see me they will see im actually not good at anything  I dont want to ask for help because I think I'll fail Honestly, I feel like I have been faking it and getting by till this point of life, like yes I've been able to make it thus far but if you look closer you see that its all fake, like im not actuly meant to make it thus far I say all of this but I am getting help This period of my life has been the hardest and some of the darkest and in short people around me found out that I desperately needed help and gave it to me without me asking I want to say I appreciate them emincly and there is no way I can express my gratitude for them Now I'm faced with how do I even except it I get anxiety with every email and text message Every step of the way in the back of my mind I wonder how will I mess this up If I did it on my own - its me that know how I mess it up - but since im getting help the people I care about will see my mess up and will see how I mess up so easily  I tell myself that I need to slow down but I think I dont want other to think I dont value how they are helping so I want be fast but being fast leads to mistakes My mind is an interesting place because I can think of a million way on how things will go left but not one way crosses my mind on how things can go right I read somewhere that a true test of any relationship is not if someone reaches out to you in times of good but if they reach out to you in the times they need you the most, in times of bad When life gets hard I seclude, its not intentional but its a way for me to get my life back together and then I'll be back to society Everyone loves the bright side of life but life isnt always bright and some people are scared of the dark So I seclude on my own, know that my dark days can get pretty dark but sometimes you need somone with a flashlight to remind you that light exists and that you arnt alone in the dark
Im not good at being human
General Support / by callmeRM
Last post
 3 days ago
...See more I don't think I human well, or maybe I just don't know how It feels like I have to try extra hard to be a human The way I think, the way I talk, the way I do what I do is just so different from others and makes being human hard I can think im adequately communicating but im not I think I just fail at being human No matter what I do I cant seem to do it right Growing up I always heard the sayings that we are all not as different as we think and we are not alone So for a long time, I believed that who I am and how I act is very normal and im not as different as I think But maybe I am Its the most frustrating thing in the world because it makes me feel like I can't do anything correctly  Im just not good at this I know it sounds silly - how can someone not be good at being human  I think im just doing it wrong And no matter how hard or how much I try I am just not good at it
How do I swim to safety
General Support / by callmeRM
Last post
 October 28th
...See more I have been struggling for a while Last week/ the week before was my breaking point I found it hard to wake up and get out of bed I couldn't fake a smile no matter how hard I tried I was drowning and I was ready to drown I didn't understand how life could get this bad, still dont I couldn't understand how people couldn't see that I wasn't ok How could life require so much out of me when I have nothing to give What did I do wrong to deserve all of this I heard a lyric that said sometimes cancer go's away and sometimes it doesnt I dont have cancer but maybe I do lose it all and my mind in the process  How could life not pause for all of this I dont know what I did wrong Im a very private person, my justification is you cant hurt me if you do not know me I opened up slightly to someone last week, and not cus I wanted to but cus I felt like I had to I think they told my business to other people, initially I was beyond hurt - I still am a bit But what I think I'm realizing is sometimes you dont know how to ask for help someone needs to do it for you I wondered how people couldnt see I was drowning but what happens when they do and more importantly what happens when they try to save me Im so thankful that they are throwing me a life saver but my fear of not being able to swim to it stops me from going after it but also im so used to drowning that drowning has become my comfort zone and I don't know how to be saved Im so used to and busy saving others, I dont know how to ask for savings or be saved  That's what im struggling with right now, how do I swim to get saved  I dont know What I do know is there are a lot of people in my corner wanting me to win and doing anything in their power to help me get better  But I dont know how to receive there help and there is a thought in the back of my head that says I will mess up as I receive there help or somehow I will fall short My mind is such a dangerous place to be There are a ton of what if's runing through my head What if I do expect their help and I fall short What if I am not smart enough for there help, then they will discover I am not smart at all They are putting there name on the line, what if it all go's bad and I embarrass them This is what stops me from asking for help because at least when I am doing it on my own im not representing anyone else but myself Its funy how my mind works cus I never think, what if it all works out and I dont fall short or am smart enough or dont embarrass them Im at the point where I cant turn away any help that comes my way but I need to belive in myself the same way others belive in me but I'll be honest and say I also think they belive in me so much because perhaps they don't really know me, either way I need to belive in me  
Brake in the grief
General Support / by callmeRM
Last post
 Friday
...See more A week ago grief and this overwhelming sence of dume and helplessness set in I couldnt stop crying and have cried multiple times a day since It was life changing, it signified something, im just not sure what yet Today I woke up and a little bit of it was gone The sadness is still there and helplessness but a bit of the grief has lifted a bit On one hand I feel bad because the familly members of the one lost are still very much in the grief and may never experience it being lifted even to an extent On another hand, I am extremely thankful, athough I think a part of it will always be with me (I hope im wrong), I'm glad that I have a bit of it off it feels like I can breathe a bit more I'm still in the darkness but it just became a bit more bearable to   The greif is still there but it feels like I can breathe through it instead of it being suffocated Every now and then I remember and my heart aces  I've been wondering how do you live life through this All of it is so unbearable How can one live in this constantly  How can one live life to the fullest through this Before this I used to say that passing is a beautiful thing That it is the beginning to forever, that it is the most freeing thing After this I still thing those things but I add that it is a double edge sword Although it is free's one, it imprisons so many others  That what it feels like - like grief has me in prison and there is no way out Now I feel like I am walking the park of a prison, yes im outside and can see the light but im still in the confines of grief I woke up today being able to breath a little easier but who knows latter on I may break down but im thankful for the break   
How has life not paused
General Support / by callmeRM
Last post
 October 23rd
...See more How has life not paused  My life is falling apart and I am dealing with eminence grief Every day I wake up with a sense of overwhelming sadness, something small happens and all I want to do is cry I sometimes wake up and just cry, the tears fall down my face and my body starts to shake Sometimes I dont even know what I'm crying about, my life, the grief, all of it, I'm not sure Its debilitating and there is no way around it, everything reminds me of the person or what my life has come to - I cant escape it I coudnt tell you the last time I truly smiled  The last time it wasn't hard to but on a mask and pretend im ok, I dont think im even putting it on anymore  Yet life hasnt paused People reach out to me everyday and ask me to do something Sometimes in the middle of a break down I get a call I have to answer and act like im ok I clear my throught and pick up and when they ask what wrong I make an excuse like I think im getting sick How has life not paused Sometimes I'm glad for all the tasks, it keeps my brain else where my the overwhelming since of sadness stays Other times I hate the tasks, I just think cant others clearly see im struggling and give me a break How has life not paused I try to do things for myself but I just breakdown or feel so dejected  I fear that this feeling is forever and something I need to live around, I'm not sure I can How has life not paused I tried talking to someone about what I'm going through, bad dissection they dont understand and are more passive then anything How has life not paused How do I continue in this, in the constant sadness and grief  Life is still moving on, life is still happening - how? How has life not paused Things still need to get done and I need to do them I still have a responsibility I need to show up for I cant break down and drown - but how How has life not paused I just want to be by myself and drown in the pain I want to let it consume me I need time to process but all the time in the world won't be enough How has life not paused Will the pain get better Will the grief go away  How? How has life not paused Even as I write this and as my throught closes up becouse all I want to do is cry  I got a text needing my response How has life not paused Im struggling Im not ok I know im not alone but it sure feels like it How has life not paused Sometimes I get mad because of all the pain  Sometimes I get mad because of all that is being asked of me Sometimes I get mad because I am drowning and I go back and forth on if I want to be saved How has life not paused 
1 week since Liams passing
General Support / by callmeRM
Last post
 Wednesday
...See more Its been a week since liams passing and I took it far harder than I thought I would I've cried every day since and its just really hard to describe  I didnt know him personally at all but he passed in such a tragic way and was begging for help and it feels like he was failed in so meany ways The more I learn about his passing the more I feel like it could and should have been prevented I've also been thinking about how he and the others were treated in 1D and after and I came to the realization that they were prisoners to fame that some members put them in During there formative years they couldn't do anything because of the fear of mobs and I feel myself morning an adelences they should of had Im not even 100% certain this is what it really is, I just keep finding myself hurting for him and the amount of pain he must of been in maybe I realte to the pain and wish he didn't have to feel it Im not sure, but I cried non stop for days and now im just sad maybe numb and it hits me at random times It's weird because I have lost people in my life and I had not cried for them but here I am uncontrollably crying over someone ive never met When will it get better, when does the pain stop, am I crazy to feel this way I also want to note that I know he is not a perfect person but it still hurts
All I do is cry
Depression Support / by callmeRM
Last post
 October 22nd
...See more I was crying Iv been crying non-stop for the last 6 hrs My eyes are puffy and red My mom came in and caught me Its almost like she caught me doing something I've been trying to hide She told me shes scared im depressed  I was shocked - cus I think shes right Then I started crying I hide my pain realy well and for the first time ever it feels like she found me hurting before I even realized it I know I've been hurting but to the point of depression didn't even cross my mind Till she said it and now that I think about it she may be right Typically I'm not textbook, I've been down this route before and I know my signs and I didnt see any of them This time I am textbook and my mom just so happens to be a nurse  I think because I live with her she caught it But I'm also really good at hiding it and TOM is here and I was able to blame today on TOM To an extent I think TOM is playing a big role, I wouldn't have been crying for 6 hrs straight otherwise She bought it She says she doesn't know what she can do, and neither do I  Next week when I'm on the other side of this I'll decide if it was really all on TOM but for now im really hurting  Anyways I'll keep hiding it but I'll say it is getting harder and harder
I cant stop crying
General Support / by callmeRM
Last post
 October 23rd
...See more I have lost everything My retirement plan My savings My friends My spirit  Im weeks away from losing my house and im just expecting it I've held hope for so long that things are gona work out that I will have a merical Its not and I wont I dont know what I did to diservice this What am I being punished for What did I do so wrong Its getting hard to breath What do I do next how can I help myself I'm so lost No one understands and im glad - no one should go through this Im drowning  Then the liams passing pushed me over the ege I cant stop crying For my life, for his for how lost I am, for my childhood, for my hurting, for his hurting  for it all I havent gone 5 min straight without crying I'm broken Im beyond repair I've tried it all And nothing is working How did it get this bad How did I get here What did I do wrong my heart hurts  What should my next step be I cant see I tried God, that's a completely different story I cant stop crying
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