callmeRM Member Profile

You know what the interesting part of growing up is?

General Support / by callmeRM

22 hours ago

...See more Another Wednesday without you I saw your mom I saw the boys You know what the interesting part of growing up is? Sometimes the people you thought would be a part of your life for a lifetime become strangers Then its times like this when we see each other and we cant even look at one another let alone talk to each other I wanted to go to them get a hug, cry, remenis, anything really I want one more late night, I want a few more long drives, I want one more staires night, a few more concert night, I want one more mall night, a few more pizza nights I want one more night when its a little to late and we are asking questions and making plans The plans on how we were going to stay friends forever and how we would visit each other no matter where we are I want one more concert day, when we couldn't believe we were there singing our hearts out being, being annoying because we were all messing around I want the moments back, the moments we hugged, played pranks and those small moments when we looked at each other and just shared love How did we become strangers We all hurt each other but it all feels so stupid I so desperately miss us We were young, stupid and so good together How did we get here What hurts is even if we have one more, it will never one more with you so it will never be the same Will Wednesdays ever be the same I cant express nor explain how much this hurts Seeing us all together and missing you, but at the same time not saying a word to one another But what are you meant to even say - 'hey how are you' 'not good, ya me to' How did we get here I miss you desperately I dont see that changing There will always be a part of my heart that aces every single day Where do we go from here At some point do we just act like things are normal Like you didn't leave or like im not missing a part of me This will never be normal to me Do we go back to not seeing each other or does the group become friends again and act like we aren't missing a piece whats the next steps How do you live life The hard part is you deserved better but the group deserve better to, we deserve to be there for each other and when life gets hard and you just need to know someone is on your side we deserve to know that any of us is just one phone call away I dont want to do this again, get a text saying something happened to another one of us and have these what if's and all of this, we derve to be in each other's lives as fully as we can or at the minimum be on speaking terms and be able to be in the same room Im still struggling with this You deserved better, I am so incredibly sorry we all failed you

Life is mike tison-ing me right now

General Support / by callmeRM

2 days ago

...See more Here the thing I know I am depressed Have been for a majority of my life Sometimes my depression is worst and other times its not Im aware of this, I live this I've never been formally diagnosed and a doctor would probably say I have some sort of mood disorder or something else just not sure what I'm also functional - there was always depression on the side or in the center through the peeks and valleys of life I'm also and introvert and I read way to much That means as much as I like people I much rather stay by myself in my room- the stay-at-home order during the pandemic was like a vacation for me If im honest I probably want to go out for the night more then I do but it is what it is I also read, a lot, and I often read rather then connect with others, I often read to 2-6am and be up by 7am, I often live life and big events through books and not reality Its a bad habit - im aware Im also a functional not wanting to be here but not doing anything about it I think its ideation but for the majority of my life it wasnt - I have exepted that I have to be here no matter how much I dont want to Im saying all this to say I am awair of the war that I am fighting, I live it every day and it is exosting, Im also aware of my vices A family member came to me and told me they thought I was depressed and if they had came up to me a month ago my reaction would have been much different but its not and im tiered Here's the thing, I know they are coming from a good place and im currently in a season where im not well at all and I understand that it concerns and worrys them but I dont need help no right now I dont want to pretend im ok and/or do things so they could be less worried, I dont have the energy nor will for that but I dont want to worry them - I also dont want to have this conversation again They want me to go to a doctor and figure it out and ya perhps I do need some professional help, im not opposed to it and I will get it eventually and hopefully soon but not right now Life is mike tison-ing me right now and I just need to figure out what my next step is and be on the otherside of this first I appreciate the concern and I know its coming from a place of life, there is water in my lungs I know im drowning but im trying to learn to fought and once im in calmer waters I will get help

I just wanted to cry in her arms

General Support / by callmeRM

Saturday

This isnt good by

General Support / by callmeRM

Friday

...See more Its been exactly month you left 4 weeks ago around 5:30pm while I was walking into Chase bank and I got a random text from my cousin letting me know you left us, as I walked out of the bank and called her I kept thinking no way - I was sure it was a lie I didnt think your passing would ever hit me the way it did At first, it didnt hit me at all, I didnt cry when I found out, my grandma or ant passed and I didnt cry once for them, I was sure this wasn't going to me any different, I've never dealt with grief You know whats funny, days before you left I was just talking about you - its so random to because I haven't spoken about you in years The thing is i dont realy know you, we grew up together and at one point you were such a big part of my life but now I didnt think you were - I was sure I was going to be ok The next day it hit, I couldnt stop crying for more then a few min's, I had breakdown after breakdown, I lost over ten pounds that week, I started talking to God about you, I started to talk to you, I couldnt function I would cry as I drove, between meetings, in line, everywhere all the time Everything I did reminded me of you I started to read then I remember you are the reason I love to read so much and introduced me to the first book that changed my life Every song sounds different, I think back to every word you said, every joke you made, every time you were there for everyone There hasnt been a day I havent thought about you I went to one of your memorial and as someone gave me a hug I nearly sobbed in their arms This is the first time that I have been able to write about you without crying How cruel is it that there is a world where you aren't in it I think of your mom, dad, son, brothers, sisters, girlfriend and friends You know they still do not know what happened I keep thinking how cruel is it to your family and friends for them to keep dragging this out As much as I want to know what happened I dont think it should be dragged out the way it way it has been and almost feels like it is robing them of the peace and closer they deserve I wish you knew how much you are loved How much of an impact you have left on us I still talk to you, on one hand, I'm selfish and hope you are here listening to me but on another, I hope I'm talking to myself and you are with your family You have left such a large hole I never thought would exist Some days are better than others I still think about how can life keep going on without you How has life not paused or stopped It sure feels like mine has Its funny because I think im so different then the person that grew up with you but you made me realize im still that little girl I know this is far to late but I want you to know that you were right and I was semi wrong, I still stand by the fact your approach could have been better but the more I think about it and look at the facts you were right and I was so appoled by how you whent about things I coudnt see that There so many I wish's I have There so many what-ifs Im having a hard time saying goodbye I dont think I ever will My heart physicly hurts I look at vidios and they hurt so much, hearing you laugh I'm still waiting from a group text from you saying that you are ok and you didnt have access to your phone and couldnt tell us sooner I know you are in forever and it is a great place to be, I know you are dancing, I know you are talking to anyone who is willing to lission, I know you are enjoing your time up there and I know I should be happy for you but I just wish you were here It feels like after today people will forget, it feels like some already have but not for me I've said this already but you are a one in a universe person, the type of person only exists ones in this universe, if I have kids I'll tell them about you, show them the books, songs, vidios, art ect. you will forever have an impact. There will always be an empty seet in the front row of every life event just for you, I will continue to look at the sky and look for you Here what I realy want to say, I'm sorry you were hurting, I'm sorry you were in so much pain - I think the reason it hit me so hard is becouse I relate to the pain and almost wished I could trade places with you, I wish I had know I would have been there and I know I dont actuly know if you chose to leave or not but it doesnt matter you were in so much pain and needed a freind at the time period. You were begging for somone to see you, hear you and realy care about you and we all failed you. I am so so sorry, you diserve better. You diserved the life you were planing for and the joy that was riped off your hands. Im so so sorry. This feels like a brake in the matrix, like it was supposed to happen, I dont think I will ever fully belive that you are gone. Im so sorry.

I see myself in infinity much more than I see myself at any age past 16

General Support / by callmeRM

November 12th

...See more I didnt think I would see 16 At 12 I remeber clearly seeing myself reach 13, 14, 15 I never saw myself past much of 16, I thought somewhere in 16 something was going to happen and I would leave At 18 I had a moment of realization where I looked around and realized that I was still here I was in a state of disbelief, I didn't know how it happened, I was unbalivebled shocked Now Im in my mid/late twenties Im still here but I still do not see myself here I know I made it past 16 and there is a very high chance I will make it to thirty, mentally I am aware of it but I cant for the life of me visualize myself at that age, 15 and parts of 16 is as far as I can imagine Even 16 is a stretch because although I could see myself 16 I couldn't plan for it because I believed with my heart something was going to happen Because I can't see myself past 16 I think I subconsciously make decisions with that in mind Like I dont date not because I don't want love but because I cant see myself getting older and I do not want to cause my partner's heartbreak I make sacrifices or do things that may not seem beneficial but since it doesn't actually matter because since I won't be here much longer they wont impact me Great example is I have aging parents and I've taken on the responsibility of them so my siblings can build there life and not worry about our parents, I dont think I have a life to build so I dont care about it I know more likely then not I actually do have a real life and future to think about but I dont see myself there I've been living a life I never actually thought I would have and still don't think I will have In highschool I pretended to plan for college but for the life of me I didnt actually think I would see it I dont know how to change this I need to be able to see myself getting older becouse if I dont I dont think I will be able to actually plan for a future that I will part of Its hard to explain, my heart and mind need to know that I will be here I also think this is all temporary Like this is the middle place to forever so its hard for me to care about it Like we all go somewhere after this and I hate the fact that we pretend that this matters A part of me just wants to be in forever so I dont care about here because its meaningless and pointless and temporary I know these few years here is such a small blimp in the context of infinity so I should be present in it but its hard I see myself in infinity much more than I see myself at any age past 16 How do I change this I want to care about the middle ground I want to be able to see myself at any age How

You will always be in my heart

General Support / by callmeRM

November 10th

I Will Never Be The Same

General Support / by callmeRM

9 hours ago

...See more The last year of my life has been life-changing I've had experiences I could only have dreamed of I've had disappointments I could not have imaged I've had lows I didn't know existed The last month of my life has been mind-altering I've dealt with a type of pain I didnt know existed I have knees that still hurt from kneeling and begging for God for help I have shoulders that still shake from the body-shaking sobs I've had I have a heart that is still recovering from the daily attacks I have a mind that still runs a million miles an hour I still can still hear that question that was asked that made me realize I am fundamentally not OK The question that still runs through my mind that broke me The answer to the question that made me go on a spiral The truth that I didn't know I was running from I will never be the same I still think this to shall pass I still look to God and ask him when The grief still hits me at random times I still ask God why all of this all at once The last year felt like I've dealt with enough to last two lifetimes The last month felt like I've dealt with enough to last ten lifetimes I've chosen to seclude and deal with it alone I don't know how I will be when I re-enter the world I don't know if I can re-enter it I don't know how I will be to my friends and family Will they see that my light has dimmed to the point of almost being out Will they see the reminds of my crull present Or will they just ask me when I'm getting married Will I have to ignore that my life will never be the same I am not the same I dont care the same I dont see the world the same There is a part of me that will always grief This is more than grief, the grief is just what pushed me over This is what happens when the truth I was running away from catches up to me It been over a year When will I see sun again Its almost been a month When will I breathe again Its like I'm in the ocean and I know I need to stay afloat but the waves keep taking me under and I'm getting tired When will this end I will never be the same

Do you think it hurts to drown?

General Support / by callmeRM

November 12th

...See more You know what sucks Constantly not wanting to get out of bed Not finding the point in life if at the end we all leave and its temporary Not being able to see a future that you exist in but know that you most likely will exist in Not planning for the future cus you dont think you will have it but still have it Constantly drowning but getting enough breath to survive Not wanting to do anything Not wanting to be around anyone Getting tired of existing Wanting to see a future but no matter how hard you try not seeing it Drowning Being in this perpetual state of this for as long as you can remember Giving up your life for others because you don't actually think you will be here long so you might as well make the sacrifice and let others build a life they want cus they will live it far longer then you All of the above suck and more You know what sucks Knowing there are people looking to you for guidance and mimic what you do and all you want to do is stay in bed in solitude so all they do is stay in bed in solitude and you don't want that for them but you can't find the will or energy to get up and do anything Knowing that you are the only one in your way Losing yourself so much that you may not know who you are anymore You know what sucks Knowing that you are so deep in the dark that in a few years you may not remember these years The pain that isnt pain, the sadness that isnt sadness, the darkness How no one understands, how you cant even explain it How its been bad for so long that it has become your normal How you dissociate so much so you can leave your current reality but you are still in it The fear The breakdowns The attacks You know what sucks That you cant remember the last time you were truly joyful That you cant remember the last time you really laughed That you cant remember the last you found peace and freedom That you cant remember the last time you saw your future as something to look forward to That you cant remember the last time you knew what to do and what your next steps are You know what sucks All of it I read a book recently and one of the characters looked at a lake and asked 'Do you think it hurts to drown?' Drowning is cruel because at times you breathe and it almost feels like your not being overtaken by the water, it gives you the allusion of and even hope of survival Other times it feels like the water is taking you under and no matter how hard you try, the water will keep you down You fight to flout, you fight for every breath, you hold on to anything to stay afloat But the truth is the longer you are in the water the more tired you will get and the more tired you get the harder it is to stay afloat Although I've never drowned I think I know what it feels like to drown

Recent forum posts

Talk to an expert therapist

I have worked in a variety of settings to include outpatient, intensive...

About Us

Get Started

Online Therapy

Terms

Don’t miss a message!

The 7 Cups app is available on iOS and Android

Recent forum posts

Talk to an expert therapist

I have worked in a variety of settings to include outpatient, intensive...

About Us

Get Started

Online Therapy

Terms

Personal Conversation Requests

General Conversation Requests

New Messages