How do I swim to safety

I have been struggling for a while

Last week/ the week before was my breaking point

I found it hard to wake up and get out of bed

I couldn't fake a smile no matter how hard I tried

I was drowning and I was ready to drown

I didn't understand how life could get this bad, still dont

I couldn't understand how people couldn't see that I wasn't ok

How could life require so much out of me when I have nothing to give

What did I do wrong to deserve all of this

I heard a lyric that said sometimes cancer go's away and sometimes it doesnt

I dont have cancer but maybe I do lose it all and my mind in the process 

How could life not pause for all of this

I dont know what I did wrong

Im a very private person, my justification is you cant hurt me if you do not know me

I opened up slightly to someone last week, and not cus I wanted to but cus I felt like I had to

I think they told my business to other people, initially I was beyond hurt - I still am a bit

But what I think I'm realizing is sometimes you dont know how to ask for help someone needs to do it for you

I wondered how people couldnt see I was drowning but what happens when they do and more importantly what happens when they try to save me

Im so thankful that they are throwing me a life saver but my fear of not being able to swim to it stops me from going after it

but also im so used to drowning that drowning has become my comfort zone and I don't know how to be saved

Im so used to and busy saving others, I dont know how to ask for savings or be saved 

That's what im struggling with right now, how do I swim to get saved 

I dont know

What I do know is there are a lot of people in my corner wanting me to win and doing anything in their power to help me get better 

But I dont know how to receive there help and there is a thought in the back of my head that says I will mess up as I receive there help or somehow I will fall short

My mind is such a dangerous place to be

There are a ton of what if's runing through my head

What if I do expect their help and I fall short

What if I am not smart enough for there help, then they will discover I am not smart at all

They are putting there name on the line, what if it all go's bad and I embarrass them

This is what stops me from asking for help because at least when I am doing it on my own im not representing anyone else but myself

Its funy how my mind works cus I never think, what if it all works out and I dont fall short or am smart enough or dont embarrass them

Im at the point where I cant turn away any help that comes my way but I need to belive in myself the same way others belive in me but I'll be honest and say I also think they belive in me so much because perhaps they don't really know me, either way I need to belive in me