How do I receive help

How does once except help?

I grew up being hyperindpedent

Sure I have siblings but with the large age cab and them wanting nothing to do with me, I never got there help on the big thing in life

From a young age I had to do things alone and by myself

From doctors appointments to figuring out how im going to university to getting my first professional jobs I was alone in every step

From birthdays to big accomplishments all I had was myself

So I've never know how to ask let alone receive help

I've always been the one to give it

Is there a fire? Call me fireman cus im here to put it out

Does someone need life saving care? Call me doctor cus im here to save it

I know what its like to need someone there for you and never have it so I make sure I show up and do the extra mile for the people I care about

Thats why I always pick up phone calls, in case anyone is in an emergency I want to be the first they call cus they know that not only will i pick up but I will be there 

Thats why I make sure all my younger cousins know I will be there for them no matter what, no questions asked, I want them to know as they grow up and life happens I am always in there corner and will be there for them no matter what

What happens when I need someone in my corner

Its tricky because I do have so meany people in my corner

There are so meany people that want to see me win, that want to help me

I just don't know how to ask for help nor receive it

Here's my train of thought: 

I dont want to ask for help because I want to do it on my own the same way so many others have

I dont want to ask for help because I dont want what I do to seem like its a reflection of the person giving it to me

I dont want to ask for help because I the people around me are so much better and if they see me they will see im actually not good at anything 

I dont want to ask for help because I think I'll fail

Honestly, I feel like I have been faking it and getting by till this point of life, like yes I've been able to make it thus far but if you look closer you see that its all fake, like im not actuly meant to make it thus far

I say all of this but I am getting help

This period of my life has been the hardest and some of the darkest and in short people around me found out that I desperately needed help and gave it to me without me asking

I want to say I appreciate them emincly and there is no way I can express my gratitude for them

Now I'm faced with how do I even except it

I get anxiety with every email and text message

Every step of the way in the back of my mind I wonder how will I mess this up

If I did it on my own - its me that know how I mess it up - but since im getting help the people I care about will see my mess up and will see how I mess up so easily 

I tell myself that I need to slow down but I think I dont want other to think I dont value how they are helping so I want be fast but being fast leads to mistakes

My mind is an interesting place because I can think of a million way on how things will go left but not one way crosses my mind on how things can go right

I read somewhere that a true test of any relationship is not if someone reaches out to you in times of good but if they reach out to you in the times they need you the most, in times of bad

When life gets hard I seclude, its not intentional but its a way for me to get my life back together and then I'll be back to society

Everyone loves the bright side of life but life isnt always bright and some people are scared of the dark

So I seclude on my own, know that my dark days can get pretty dark but sometimes you need somone with a flashlight to remind you that light exists and that you arnt alone in the dark