Hello. I really need to talk to someone, can you help me please?
I am currently 17 years old and will turn 18 in November. I live in Portugal.
Since I was 13, I discovered that my father cheats on my mother with other women, but I never revealed it because I'm afraid of what might happen, as my father is a very aggressive person. He has been violent towards my mother and me, has threatened us with death, kicked us out of the house, and physically abused us, among many other things. Besides that, he has been forcing me to work in his company since I was 12 years old, which caused me to miss many days of school, so many that I even had problems with the Child Protective Services (CPCJ). However, by luck and being intelligent, I was able to complete my studies with excellent grades. I am currently 17 years old, but I have already finished my 12th year of school.
Three years ago, I started dating a girl who is an immigrant in Switzerland, she is 18 years old. We met because she has family living near me in Portugal. Through this relationship, the opportunity arose for me to leave home and immigrate to Switzerland.
I have tried to talk to my family several times about this possibility, but it always ends badly. I have tried to talk to my father many times to ask him to let me go when I turn 18, but it always ended very badly, from very serious physical assaults to calling me names like "dog, idiot, worthless, cuckold," he even said that if I did it, I would no longer be his son, that he would be disgusted with me. But even worst than all of the times that he punched, kicked, and slapped me, was that he never apologized not even once, I swear that I'm not exaggerating.
As you can see, I have been abused for many years, but despite that, no one has ever done anything, neither my mother, nor my uncles, nor my grandparents, nor the neighbors, even though everyone knows about the situation.
Since all my attempts to talk to him have gone wrong, I decided to stop trying to convince him, but I still have my idea, even though I don't have the support of anyone in my family, many friends who know the situation tell me that the best thing to do is for me to leave, and I also think so.
So, I decided to create a plan to run away from home when I turn 18 and go to Switzerland with my girlfriend. The plan is well underway, I have already learned French, I have a house ready and waiting for me, and a guaranteed job as well.
But my problem is that I feel a little insecure about moving out. Despite all of the problems that I've been through, I still love my family. I want to move out and create my own life more than everything, but I'm sure that I'll lose my family if I do it. Do you think that they will ever forgive me for what I'm about to do?
What do you think of my situation? Should I really go ahead with the plan and run away from home?
@Charles17Hardy
With that kind of abuse...if it were me, I'd be leaving even if I didn't have a girlfriend to go with. If dad is physically and verbally/emotionally abusive, then to me, it wouldn't be a threat if he said he's gonna disown me... I'd be the one disowning him.
I live in the US and am not familiar with the laws in your country but I also don't think it would be considered "running away" once you turn 18. At that point you are an adult and are simply moving out on your own. In the US, 18 is the age of adulthood.
@Sid980
Thanks a lot for sharing your opinion with me.
The laws in my country also say that at age 18 I become an adult, so I don't think I'll have any problems related to that.
Thanks a lot for encouraging me, it is so good to feel that I'm not wrong for wanting to do this. Encouraging words are everything I needed to hear 💛🙏
@Charles17Hardy
No worries, wish you the best on your new live in Switzerland!
You'll be 18 soon and so much more of life come into your control. You don't have to tolerate hateful, horrible people anymore. Surround yourself with people who really care and want the best for you. In an ideal world that would be family, but here on Earth that isn't always how it goes. Good luck to you.
@Charles17Hardy
Go. You do you. You will feel guilty because you have been made to feel that way. You go mate. You are Intelligent. Go and shine your light. Leave the abuse behind you x
@Charles17Hardy I agree with the previous commenters ~ but just wanted to say that I'm sending you my love and support, and I truly wish you the best from this tricky situation. <3
@Charles17Hardy
Go. Leave that abusive and toxic family. Build a new life in a healthy environment.
Sometimes distance and time help transform family relations for the better.
Maybe living abroad is the best thing you can do to have a healthier relationship with your family in due time.
@HealingTalk
Thank you very much for sharing your opinion with me. I really don't want to miss this life changing opportunity and I want to believe that eventually they'll accept my choice.
Once again thank you very much 😊
@Charles17Hardy
You are welcome!
Even if they initially don't accept your choice, with the passing of time they might accept the new situation, and rebuild an adult-to-adult family relationship.
I wish you all the luck in the world in your life, whatever decision you make!
@Charles17Hardy
Hi Charles, that's really sad to hear, all the abuse and neglecting behaviors you had to deal with. At so young age.
I would be glad to know that you have chance to rebuild your life, i really wish you so, from the bottom of my heart.
But I also wonder how much the need to escape the abusive situation and to run away is playing a role in this plan. I say that, because I think it'd be good for you to reflect on everything . The pros and cons of leaving your country.
I'm not saying you have to stay with your family, I just wonder if you don't have any better option where you live, to become independent from the toxic family.
Think it well, see if you can also have a B plan in case things won't go as expected in the new country.
You saw just abuse till now, so I wish you to have time to process things and see yourself as worth for something better and for good relationships. It takes time to heal. I hope you don't see yourself just in a "run away" mode.
Ask yourself if you would have chosen Switzerland if you didn't happen to be in such abusive situation at home.
Have you checked how will be things in the new country? How about health care system? Will you have access to it freely?
What about social interactions? Do you have friends there? Anyone you know beside your young girlfriend?
I just wanted to offer you different perspectives and reflections about the whole plan. Your wellbeing in the long run and your safety is something you deserve, so I really hope you are considering everything carefully.
I didn't mean to put you down, i sensed your enthusiasm but I don't know all the details nor i know enough about you to say "go", without suggesting you to be sure of this big change.
Wishing you all the best and please take good care for yourself 💙
@MeaningfulSilence
Thank you very much for sharing your opinion with me 🙏 I completely understand what you mean, but believe me, I've spent a lot of time thinking about this.
My days are so sad and full of fear that my head is always worried about what could happen at any moment. I live in so much pain that the only time I feel safe and calm is during the night, when everybody is sleeping. I eventually ended up loving the silence of the night, it's the only thing that gives me the peace that I need to be able to think about my situation and my future. I've spent countless nights crying and thinking about the best way to be able to run away. I've been planning this for almost 2 years now. During this time I was able to connect with some people from Switzerland that used to live in the same town as me, most of them being older friends from school. I even met another boy who went through something very similar to my situation. He explained me that the step I'm willing to take was also the same thing he did, and that he suffered a lot from doing it but he doesn't regret anything. He also had similar problems with his dad and decided to run away, his dad only forgave him after 7 years.
I've already done a lot of research about things like job and career opportunities, housing prices, salary and all the bureaucracy needed to do things the right way. I feel pretty good and confident about all that.
All that I needed to know before taking this step was that I'm not being ungrateful, dumb or something like that. As I said before, despite everything they have done to me, they are still my family and I love them. I want to run away and build my own life, but deep inside I hope that one day they'll find a way to accept my choice and forgive me.
Once again, thank you very much for sharing your opinion with me and for worrying about me. It's really good to hear all of your opinions and to have someone to talk to. I wish you all the best in the world 🙏
@Charles17Hardy
Thank you Charles for your good wishes and for having understood I am caring for your situation and want you to be safe and improving your life!
Now I see that you have planned it in long time, you are very mature for your age, I'm feeling less worried about your future Charles!
Feel free to join to open up, whenever you want to share 😊